Man Loses Arm After Smartwatch Explodes

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

An unidentified 32-year-old man was rushed to the emergency room in Louisville yesterday after his Apple smart watch exploded, removing most of his arm in the blast.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this, but it’s definitely a good warning to not wear stupid Apple products,” said Dr. Charles LeMar of the Louisville Regional Hospital. “According to bystanders, the man began to scream in pain, as if his arm was burning, and then a loud explosion blew 90% of his arm clean off. It’s crazy. He’s lucky he survived.”

This is the 3rd incident in as many months of smart watches exploding, although this was the first time it happened while the owner was wearing it. The previous times, the watches were charging when they overheated, causing them to blow.

“I think this provides enough proof to show how dangerous smart watches are,” said anti-technology advocate Mark Churn. “Wearable technology is highly volatile, and things like this could happen more and more as we begin to wear stupid, electronic things. This man should be glad he wasn’t wearing Google Glasses, or he’d have lost his eyes. iPhones are stupid enough – do you really need to wear an iPhone on your wrist, too, you pretentious bastard?”

Apple representatives could not be reached for comment.

UFC Champion Ronda Rousey Admits To Being Born A Man

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

UFC Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey has reportedly admitted that she was born a man, having undergone gender reassignment surgery when she was 15.

“I was born a man genetically, but I was definitely a woman on the inside,” said Rousey. “Coincidentally, I am still kind of a man on the outside, and that has definitely helped me to have a bit of an advantage in the ring.”

According to UFC rules, the only thing that designates whether a contender is a man or a woman is their genitals, and several people have come forward alleging that Rousey is, indeed, a woman now.

“I can honestly say that she definitely has the girl parts now,” said an anonymous UFC fighter. “I had no problem taking her in bed, but with that in mind, I can honestly say there’s no way in hell I’d ever want to step into the ring with her.”

“It doesn’t matter that I was born with a penis, which would also mean I was born with a completely different body style and ability to gain muscle mass and strength equal to that of a man, giving me a massive advantage over skinny, ugly women in the ring,” said Rousey. “What matters is how I feel about myself, and damn, I feel like a woman.”

Internet Sensation ‘Grumpy Cat’ Dies After Losing Bout With Feline Depression

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tardar Sauce, best known as the internet’s “Grumpy Cat,” has reportedly died after committing cat suicide, say sources from within the cat’s entourage. Tardar, the most loved pessimist in the world, had suffered from a severe case of cat depression, and could reportedly no longer handle the pressures of being a meme.

“I am very sad to announce that Tardar Sauce, better known as Grumpy Cat, has died after purposely inhaling and overdosing on an extremely large amount of catnip,” said the cat’s manager, Joey Jones. “There was no note left, because like all cats, Grumpy had no opposable thumbs, but we know she was depressed, and often meowed about taking her own life. It’s sad, as she was so young. I only wish we had gotten her the help she needed.”

“Tardar was a joy to look at, as her face had that great look for anyone who wanted to use a picture of it to make a meme about their crappy day,” said Grumpy Cat superfan Joanne Joyce. “I have Grumpy stuffies, pictures, toys, t-shirts…all sorts of things. It’s sad that she’s gone, but she’s in cat hell now, where all cats go when they die. She’s probably complaining about something as we speak, and that’s beautiful.”

Tardar Sauce rose to popularity after a picture posted of her online went viral, people dubbing her “Grumpy Cat” due to her face, which appeared to be in a perpetual frown due to a case of dwarfism. She would have turned 4 this coming April.

Woman Who Was Born With Giant Legs For Body Becomes Nude Model

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MENDOZA, Argentina –

Misty Lendzo, 27, was born with a rare body disorder that left her with a normal-sized head and arms, but her body is entirely a set of legs with extraordinarily large feet.

“I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I thought my body was so ugly,” said Lendzo. “As I got older, though, I embraced my body, and I started to show it off more and more, and I became more confidant.”

In a chance encounter with world famous photographer Carl Xavier, Lendzo was asked to pose for a series of nude photos.

“I’d never done anything like that before, but Carl said I was gorgeous, and he wanted to photograph me and show the world that beauty can mean anything,” said Lendzo. “It took me awhile to decide, but I’m so glad that I did it. My pictures are everywhere now, and I think people find it inspiring. That makes me happy.”

“She is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and she’s simply enchanting,” said Xavier, 60. “I’ve photographed thousands of girls in my career, and Misty is by-far the most amazing. She’s also the first one I haven’t been able to have sex with, because she has no vagina, but that’s okay. She still has a hell of a mouth.”

Teen Violently Disfigured After Glass Bong Explodes, Rips Off Face

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

A 16-year-old teenage girl has reportedly been hospitalized after a bong she was smoking marijuana out of exploded, causing severe damage to her face.

“My daughter was told not to smoke the weed, but she didn’t listen, and now her beautiful face is gone,” said the teen’s mother. “I wish that I had been a better parent and paid more attention to her. She only started smoking weed because I worked so much, and now she’s going to be disfigured. I blame myself. I blame myself!”

Doctors say that this is the 12th bong explosion incident since Colorado legalized marijuana two years ago.

“We have seen, too often, these explosions of marijuana bongs. Teens do not seem to realize how volatile and dangerous smoking ganja can be, especially when smoking out of a giant piece of glass,” said Dr. Emile Jones. “In this specific situation, the girl’s face has been almost entirely removed. It will take years for skin grafting to be completed, and she will definitely never be sexy again.”

The unnamed teen’s parents are urging anyone who smokes to stop as soon as possible.

“Never light the bong again, or your face could also be ripped away,” said the teen’s father. “This is the most depressing thing to ever happen to anyone ever. Please learn from my daughter’s mistakes and put down the pot.”

Several Major Companies Start Paying People To Be ‘Walking Billboards’

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Companies such as Oreo, Coca-Cola, Burger King, and even Marlboro cigarettes have begun offering hefty paychecks to people who are willing to use their own body as walking billboards – and people are lining up to get the job.

“I was struggling to make ends meet, but Oreo pays me damn good money to wear their logo on my head,” said Shaniqua Sh’niqua, 36. “Only downside is how damn hungry I get all the time now. Wish I could just open my own skull and pull out some Oreos, but it just can’t happen!”

A spokesman for Coca-Cola, who also has been paying people to brand themselves, says that they like the combination of people showing brand-loyalty, as well as the advertising.

“In this day and age, we pay YouTube ‘celebrities’ to talk about our product, and they get the word out. This is another step to talk about our product,” said Coca-Cola spokesman George Glass. “If you see someone on the street with their hear dyed red and the Coke logo painted in, you’re going to ask them about it. And we paid them a good amount to do that to themselves. We’ll pay even more if you tattoo our logo on your body. We’ll pay extreme amounts if you’ll tattoo your face.”

Many companies have said they’ve seen a spike in sales after they began paying people to advertise for them, and several giant corporations say they’re “watching the trend” closely.

U.S. Postal Service Says They Are Closing After 2015 Holiday Season

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After many years of floundering and struggling to make ends meet with a fast-dropping budget, the United States Postal Service say that they will be closing completely after the 2015 holiday.

“There are other companies who do what we do, but they do it faster, cheaper, and better,” said USPS Postmaster General Marge Lampoon. “Between UPS, FedEx, and – of course – email, we cannot compete any longer. It’s a sad day, for sure, but people have been doing without us for years. We think that they will be okay.”

The USPS says that they will be staying open through the holiday season, but that times for delivery will be much slower.

“We’re starting to cut back immediately, so there will be less delivery drivers, less people to sort, etcetera,” said Lampoon. “If you normally get your mail by 3pm each day, you may find you’re not getting it until 10 or 11am the following day. We urge you to not use our service at all if you need to get your package somewhere quickly. If it’s not time-sensitive, by all means! We’d love to still send it along for you.”

“It’s too bad, really, that they’re closing. I have all these Goddamn ‘forever stamps’ that, I guess, I don’t need,” said former USPS customer Mark Clemons. “I’m wondering now, actually, if I can sue them for false advertising. I mean, I just bought these things two weeks ago. I don’t consider two weeks forever. Ah, the hell with them.”

TSA To Begin Using Drug-Sniffing Cats At Airports

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for security at all U.S. airports, said that they are beginning to switch from drug-sniffing canines to drug-sniffing cats at security checkpoints. The change comes after a 4-year-old with past dog-related trauma was hospitalized when he suffered a mild heart attack at the sight of one of LAX’s dogs.

“Cats, although much more difficult to train, can smell drugs, too” said TSA spokesman George Richards. “They’re not quite as adept at it, because their noses don’t work like a dog’s, but they can certainly smell cocaine, marijuana, and catnip with no issue.”

Cats, which unlike dogs are notorious assholes, are internet sensations in their own right, but there are many concerns that a cat will not be able to find most of the drugs that may slip through TSA security, leaving a major hole in our nation’s plane travel.

“We are very aware that cats will not find everything that comes through, but frankly, neither do the dogs,” said Richards. “There will still be backups, such as our TSA agents, working the checkpoints, just as there has always been. Frankly, we just want to make sure that people are safe, and if dogs are going to be an issue, then cats are the next logical step.”

Richards says that cats will become the norm at all major airports by the end of 2016.

Quentin Tarantino Goes Into Hiding After Threats From Police Unions

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Film director Quentin Tarantino has reportedly gone into hiding after vague threats made against him by The Fraternal Order of Police, which is the largest police union in the country.

“The Fraternal Order of Police didn’t like the things that Quentin had to say about officers of the law, despite his statements being founded in nothing but truth,” said a friend of the filmmaker. “The FOP responded by making vague threats against Quentin, saying that ‘anything could happen’ between now and the release of his next film, The Hateful Eight, in December. Quentin doesn’t normally run from a fight, but being on the shit-end of the Fraternal Order’s stick would get anyone nervous. That’s over 325,000 officers nationwide.”

According to the anonymous friend, Quentin has left his Los Angeles home and has gone into hiding, most likely outside of the United States, where his views on police brutality would be more shared.

“The only people who think that what police are doing – killing innocent people, the brutality, the violence – is okay, are the police themselves, and only the police within the United States,” said the friend. “Everywhere else in the world, people can see that the violence is reprehensible, and even their police forces look at the US law enforcement system as a massive joke.”

According to representative for Tarantino, he is scheduled to begin touring the TV talk show circuit later this month in promotion of his new film. No word, currently, on if he will continue supporting the movie from within the United States.

Jeb Bush Looks To Reach Younger Voters By Legally Changing Name To Jeb Shaved

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Jeb Bush has been running his campaign based almost solely on his family name, following in the footsteps of his brother, George W., and father, George Bush, but seemingly failing to connect with younger voters.

“I think that too many people look at me, and they see my family, and although that’s okay, it’s not winning me any points lately,” said Jeb Bush. “In fact, I think having the Bush name is really becoming a hinderance in this race.”

Bush says that he thinks that his name is “too old fashioned,” and that a change is definitely in order.

“I am working with lawyers to have my name legally changed,” said Bush. “No longer will the Bush name be in my way. That name is old and dated. A relic of the 80s and 90s. From now on, I will go by the name Jeb Shaved, because that’s what the younger kids are about these days.”

There was no comment made by anyone else from the Bush family.