Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Shortly after confusing the world with his assertion that racism “no longer exists,” Kanye West has caused further controversy, by insisting that “black people are no longer a thing.”

Last week, West seemingly showed us his blinkered view of the lives of African-Americans, believing that because he has made it big, other black citizens do not face discrimination based on their color. But his latest quotes, from an exclusive interview with TMZ, have given us insight into the more bizarre ideas that the self-proclaimed genius holds.

“Black people are an outdated concept, used to divide the world,” he said. “Maybe once they existed, but in the 21st century we’ve got to accept that civilisation has changed. Everyone is now white.”

The controversial rapper was asked to explain the different skin tone and other physical differences of those who identify as Africans or African Americans.

“Physical differences don’t make someone different. What’s a bit of melatonin among friends? I can assure you that, as a white person, I’m willing to look past the superficial differences and accept that these people are white like me.”

Kanye went on to say that, not only did black people not exist, no race “other than whites or caucasians actually represent a factual construct”.

“Chinese people are white too, even though they may look shorter and have different eyes and hair types. Hispanic people? They’re even whiter. And while we’re at it, let’s talk about this language thing. Just because we don’t understand what someone’s saying don’t mean they’re not talking English.”

Towards the end of the interview, he startled questioners further, by admitting that he believes every man is actually a Kanye, and that every woman is a Kim.

“Don’t let them fool you with their fancy names for themselves. They’re Kims and Kanyes and don’t deserve to be treated differently.”

When asked where his daughter North fits in, he said, “Nori (North) is a unique construct. We have brought her into the world as a superhuman, and she cannot be measuerd in the same way as the rest of us. She is the first of many Norths.”

Rick Salomon Accuses Pamela Anderson of Eating Babies

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Acclaimed poker player Rick Salomon has outraged ex-wife Pamela Anderson, by telling news outlets that the model and actress eats babies. His allegations come just days after he received criticism for calling her a “serial baby-killer” referring to abortions she had had performed without his knowledge. Now he has taken the back-and-forth to a new, unprecedented level.

“Pamela has a serious problem,” he told to anyone who would listen. “She eats babies and there’s no stopping her. When we’d go out to restaurants, I’d have to keep her far away from the kiddies play zone, at least until she was full from appropriate food. But I often failed.”

He said that the former Baywatch star turned into a different person around babies.

“Her teeth get sharper somehow, and she roars like a psychopath. Then she sticks the baby’s head in her mouth and bites it right off, chewing through the skull like it’s nothing more than a piece of candy. Blood spurts out, it gets messy, but she does a good job of cleaning up by eating the whole body and licking the blood off her arms. She has ruined a few very expensive evening gowns.”

Mothers around the country have spoken up, confirming Salomon’s claims.

“Pamela ate my triplets,” said one distraught 32 year old. “She stuffed each into her mouth as the others looked on screaming, until they were all gone. It was traumatic for me, as I’ve always been a big fan of her work. Seeing her like that was the most difficult thing I’ve had to witness. Also, I was sort of bummed about my children.”

Anderson’s spokesperson, Layla Tov, responded by playing down the accusations.

“Pam, like everyone else, likes to eat a baby from time to time,” she said at a press conference she had convened. “But it’s nothing like Rick implied. She does it in moderation, and usually in private. Also, the babies are generally dead before she eats them. Only when she’s really hungry does she eat them live. And Rick knows he’s not innocent here. On their third date, he invited her over to his place for dinner, and cooked a gourmet meal made from parts of five different colored infants.”

Live Sex Show Pulled From NBC After Accidentally Broadcasting Necrophilia

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NBC have given up on their controversial ‘Live Sex Project’, just three days into airing. The 24 hour reality series, which broadcast live from a gritty motel room, showed everyday people who had been screened by the network having raunchy sex. But the project hit a hitch when, unbeknownst to the other fornicator, a woman died in the middle of coitus.

“The poor guy had no idea, and just kept on fucking her,” reported Ellen Degeneres, one of the producers of the show. “All of a sudden, he realizes he’s committing necrophilia on live television. Afterwards I saw him compulsively washing his dick, as if that could remove the everlasting taint of dead pussy.”

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church have announced that they plan to attend the funeral, protesting any further broadcasts of this sort.

“She got what she deserved!” spat a crazy woman at our reporter. “The whore! Fucking on live television like there was no tomorrow. Well guess what? There is no tomorrow! God has shown his vengeance against immoral sluts.”

Dead rights group, The Dead Have Feelings Too (TDHFT), have however responded with condemnation of the media’s handling of the event.

“Everything is permissible these days,” said headless head of the organization, Lord Jackson. “Sex before marriage, homosexuality, in front of people – but dead people aren’t allowed to have sex. No, if the person is dead, it’s ‘sick’. It’s time we took a stand, and asserted our right to have intercourse, whether or not it’s broadcast on those fancy boxes.”

NBC executives are reportedly planning a new 24 hour show to replace the botched experiment. Anonymous sources say they have drawn inspiration from the proverbial cock up, and plan to start production on live visuals from a mausoleum, in which the doings of dead people will be broadcast.

“People want to see what goes on in deadville,” said one source. “They don’t know what it’s like to be locked up in that place. We think it’ll be quite a thriller.”

‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Will Have Darth Vader Reveal That He’s Also Luke’s Mother

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

A GALAXY, Far Far Away –

Although the original Star Wars trilogy revealed the fate of antagonist Darth Vader, and the prequel trilogy showed his extensive backstory, writers for the next episode of the franchise have hinted that flashbacks to Vader’s lifetime will reveal new and exciting information. One of the foremost reports states that Darth Vader reveals himself to Luke as, not only his father, but his mother as well.

“The interplay between Luke and Anakin Skywalker is some of the most classic cinema in our country’s history,” said Harry Mandable. “It’s vital that that returns in Disney’s take on the Star Wars universe. That’s why it’s encouraging to hear that Vader’s motherhood is examined in the next film. It is perhaps the only thing lacking from the original trilogy.”

Speculation indeed ran rife that Vader was Luke’s mother ever since the famous scene in which he tells Luke he is his father. Lukesmom.org, a fansite dedicated to the theory, explains that the backstory of Luke’s mother, Padme Amidala, is slightly blurry throughout. She is the secret wife of Anakin Skywalker, but that does not explain why neither Luke nor his sister Princess Leia do not have exactly the same eyes as her.

“If you watch all six movies very carefully, you see the occasional allusion to it,” said professional Star Wars analyst, Richie Prince. “For example, that time when Luke says, ‘My father, mother’ without saying and in between. And also, when Vader tells Luke that he is his father, he never says, ‘but not your mother’. So actually it’s pretty clear that something’s going on there.”

Creator of the franchise, George Lucas, has neither confirmed nor denied the rumors. Rather, he has stated that everyone should “calm the fuck down and wait for the movies. Jesus, it’s not like this is real life or anything. Vader is Luke’s mother if I decide one day that I want that to happen. That’s why it’s called a movie and not called something that’s happening on a distant star right now.”

Government Considers Replacing Bald Eagle With Sloth As National Animal

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US government is reportedly considering replacing the current National Animal. The bald eagle has served as a symbol of the nation’s dreams and values since the 1700s, but policymakers no longer feel the sentiment is in line with the country’s current outlook. Instead, the sloth will take its place in American culture, representing how US citizens are seen by themselves as well as by the rest of the world.

“The bald eagle was originally chosen as a comparison to the ancient Romans, who also held the eagle as representative of their civilisation,” says political analyst, Jan Spencer. “It made sense for a long time, because we were a nation of immigrants – pioneers who did whatever it took to establish our own country. But now it’s more than a little out of place.”

Republican Senator John Persephone agreed with the sentiment, but warned that the sloth alone has important lackings.

“Yes, it’s the symbol of lethargy and inertia, and that’s pretty much most of America,” he told reporters. “And yes, it eats and becomes fat, and sleeps a lot, and leaves a lot to be desired in terms of appearance. But we cannot underestimate the greedy opportunism of the American people, which is represented so well by the bald eagle. It swoops out of the sky, catching up the unsuspecting small fry. It’s sneaky, in a sort of cowardly way. That’s what the USA is all about – maximum gain with minimum work, through dishonest means if necessary.”

Media outlets have since launched a campaign, urging viewers to help come up with the “next national animal of the American people.” The government has agreed to use the most popular choice in this important role. At present, Grumpy Cat is in third place; eagle in second; and sloth in first.

Johnny Depp’s Next Role To Be As Oddball Actor Who Only Plays Weird, Dark Characters

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Dreamworks Pictures has announced that Johnny Depp has been cast in the leading role of their next, as yet unnamed, big production. The screenplay is said to focus on an oddball actor who only accepts roles of weird characters in dark storylines.

“I’m very excited that I’ve been chosen to play this part,” said the Edward Scissorhands star. “It’s not what I’m used to, and it gives me confidence that directors recognize my adaptability.”

The basic plotline follows Donald Jepson, from his beginnings as a young actor as he slowly develops and gets pigeonholed into a very specific niche. Initially, Don is a regular young adult. He plays for a mediocre band which is going nowhere, until he gets cast in an action-comedy tv series. But as he progresses, he starts wearing irritating hats, with equally annoying scarves everywhere he goes. People start to view him as pretentious.

A pattern emerges. It seems Don is into weird things. He plays quirky, deformed, evil, and occasionally clinically insane characters. He often teams up with a director who has the same interests, and whose wife is a benefactor of his nepotistic disposition.

Casting of the secondary characters is yet to be finalized, but according to an unnamed Dreamworks source, a woman “who looks vaguely like she could be from the middle ages and is as pigeonholed as [Depp’s] character” is wanted. When asked if he had any premonition as to who it would be, Depp told us that he was stumped.

“I don’t know any actresses who fit that description. I’ve never worked with anyone like that, and I don’t know where they’re going to find her. Maybe they should ask Russell Crowe – he starred alongside a good one in that French film.”

Uber Slammed For Not Having Attractive Female Drivers

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Transport and travel phenomenon Uber has had its fair share of problems. The smartphone app works efficiently and is especially useful, but major issues have ranged from accusations of rape against drivers, to criticisms of the company raising prices in emergencies. Now they face a new volley of complaints, this time for not having enough attractive female drivers.

“We believe that Uber is intentionally bigoted against our community,” said Attractive Females for Equal Opportunities head, Stephanie Andreason. “They’ve certainly got a ‘type’ – usually dumpy males with a little body odor. Accordingly, we’ve initiated an inquest as to whether this phenomenon constitutes discrimination and violates employment ethics.”

Uber’s founder and CEO, Travis Kalanick, has however hit out at Andreason, saying that they’ve continuously tried and failed to attract beautiful women drivers.

“Trust me, Stephanie. If we could get hot chicks to drive our cars, we would. We’d even charge extra for their services. Our male customer base would benefit, and we’ll do anything to assuage them and further our business interactions in that arena.”

LGBTI activists consequently spoke up against Kalanick, calling him homophobic and shortsighted.

“Their male customer base would benefit?” said Hilton Herring. “What about their lesbian clientele? What about the queers? What about transgender persons born male but identify themselves as female? What about gender-non-specific individuals? Obviously Mr Kalanick is out of date with the modern world, and is still living according to Victorian values. We’re going to protest until he apologizes or resigns his post.”

Andreason responded to Kalanick as well, saying that “we have hundreds of models in bikinis waiting to get into a car and drive drunk teenagers around. Don’t pretend there aren’t. We even have one who turned up to an interview topless, and she was dismissed wihtout even getting interviewed. It’s because she has massive boobs, and apparently the Uber employment don’t like that.”

Kalanick was overheard saying to a close associate, “Shit, they read our minds.”

NASCAR Fans Disappointed That No Drivers Have Been Killed Recently

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

It’s been a quiet few months for NASCAR, and fans are beginning to grumble. Since August 2014, not a single driver has been killed, meaning the sport is nothing more than grown men playing racing cars. Kevin Ward Jr. was the flavor of the month when Tony Stewart seemed to accelerate into him, killing him and ending his short career.

“It’s no fun anymore, since Kevin’s death,” said long time fan, Huxley Turncroft. “They’ve increased safety regulations, and I can’t imagine we’ll see any further accidents of the kind in the near future. Drivers are just too scared to be reckless right now.”

NASCAR driver Jamie Dick has been hospitalized in the last few days, but apparently it’s because of health issues unrelated to driving. He certainly wasn’t hit in the head by debris on exiting his car after a crash.

“Dick is in our thoughts,” said NASCAR spokesperson Reynold Howards. “Dick is in the hands of gentle and caring nurses. But he has a boring illness, and no signs of having hit his head on the steering wheel.”

Stefan Howitzer, an analyst of sports injuries and deaths, says the world is going through an unusual dry spell.

“A couple of weeks ago, a footballer in England collapsed due to minor issues. Basically, he fainted. Nothing exciting. At the Cricket World Cup in Australia a batsman went to the doctor for a common cold, but no one has been killed by having a cricket ball hit them in the back of the neck. And NASCAR has been even worse. Drivers have been escaping serious injury by either not crashing or by having excellent safety equipment built into their cars. New technology is destroying the world of sport.”

A representative of the NASCAR Drivers Association hit back at reports, saying “we’re trying really hard to cause injuries and death. However, it is getting harder to do so without having legal recourse taken against us. Our experts are working hard on coming up with new strategies.”

Neurologist Says Getting Tattoos Literally Makes You More Dumb

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN DIEGO, California –

If you do a simple Google search, you’ll find long lists of ill-thought out tattoos, featuring accidentally inappropriate or insulting examples, such as ugly representations of pretty people’s faces, or simply bad spelling and grammar. “Only God Can Juge Me,” and “Never Don’t Give Up,” are two such examples.

This phenomenon may have led you to believe that those who choose to get inked are not particularly intelligent, but new research has indicated that it is actually the other way around.

“Our study found that getting tattoos literally makes you dumber,” said neurologist, Doc Klein. “We tested the intelligence levels of 10 000 individuals before and after getting such tattoos as barbed wire around the bicep, or elaborate dragons across the arms and back. The results certainly surprised us.”

One such test showed that inked individuals are less coherent than before. They were unable to form well-constructed sentences and occasionally gave up in the middle of a word.

Another test had the subjects doing simple mathematical problems. While 100% were able to solve them in the first test, only 20% solved the same problems after.

“Right now we are unsure of the reasons, but we have a couple hypotheses,” said Klein. “The most convincing is that the act of getting a tattoo is essentially a dumb idea, and acting it out affirms that reality to the individual.”

The results help us to understand why it is repeat customers who get the most ill-conceived tattoos. Neck or face tattoos are among the most common for those covered in ink. There are even a few examples of heavily tattooed individuals getting penises tattooed to their heads or necks.

A man with “Fuck you” tattooed to his forehead, who chose to remain anonymous, explained his terrible choice.

“I like ‘Fuck you’ because it good me good. Dark colors make head red and good again.”

Study Suggests Movie Theatre Butter Can Make Men Sterile, Impotent

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

AUSTIN, Texas –

A worrying new study will have hordes of men staying away from popcorn at the movies. The startling research reports that the butter used by cinemas around America has the potential to make men sterile, and even impotent altogether. Apparently due to the chemical, PEW, the snack causes hormonal chaos, with testosterone among the major losses.

“We found this information due to a previous study in which the testicles of male rats fell off after the input of copious amounts of PEW,” said head researcher Peter Darren. “Immediately, we drew up a list of all edible products which might use the chemical. Popcorn butter was the only one with significant amounts.”

The researchers then did a longitudinal study, remarkably over only two years.

“Already in two years we saw the consequences of popcorn butter. 200 normal, adult males participated. 100 of them stayed away from popcorn for the period of time. The other 100 ate what would constitute a regular measure of the product.”

Out of the 100 who ate the popcorn, 15 were found to have low sperm counts, and 3 were completely impotent.

“18% is a shocking proportion, especially since movie popcorn is so heavily and widely consumed. It means almost a fifth of our population could be sterile or worse. That might explain the lower-than-expected population growth over the past few decades.”

The Independent Cinema Foundation (ICF) initially released a press statement refuting the claims made by the study.

“There is absolutely no need to panic,” it read. “We would not put our customers at risk were there even the slightest indication of harm. The reported study is being looked into, but at the moment it looks like one big hoax.”

Three hours later, however, and members of the ICF were already jumping ship.

“We’re totally fucked,” said former head of operations, Jonah Maddox. “This will be the financial ruin of us, as well as our moral downfall. We’ve been causing all this damage to so many innocent Americans, there’s nothing left for us to do but throw ourselves to the sharks.”