Deluded DEA Junkies Think They Can Win Drug War

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Deluded DEA junkies have once again expressed unwarranted belief that they can win the “War on Drugs.” Members of the administration, who must be high on something really potent, told reporters that they’ve made a lot of headway in the last few years, and are close to a decisive victory.

Michele Leonhart, head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, who recently expressed her insane fear that rabbits might get stoned if the legal marijuana industry grows, says that her team are doing all they can to keep humans and animals away from drugs.

“Rabbits are getting high,” she slurred. “And Obama-Pama-Llama thinks that marijuana is safer than alcohol. Well that’s dumb and not cool at all. Rabbits deserve to drink alcohol. Alcohol deserves to be legal. Drugs are bad… Drugs are baaaa-aaad.”

Second in command, Rudolph Potgieter, agreed with her sentiments.

“Drugs are baaaa-aaad. Rabbits are safe. Alcohol must not be getting high,” he said at the same press conference. “We can win. We’re almost there. No teenagers do drugs anymore it’s not cool and all the dealers are in jail where we put them woohoo. Walter White is dead and blue meth a bad dream. You killed Uncle Hank!”

Drug dealers across the country were unphased by the DEA’s assessment.

“They’re our biggest customers,” said a dealer, identified only as Clayvon. “They don’t know they getting drugs. They think it’s magic powder. It is, sorta, and we feed them ideas bout how they winning and all, and that drugs no longer exist.”

The Obama administration expressed their dismay at the level of delusion the DEA has sunk to.

“The rabbit thing was bad,” said spokesperson Jay Carney. “So was the whole ‘alcohol is safer’ debacle. But this? They think they’re winning? They think they’ve even got a chance? They really need to get off whatever it is they’re taking.”

Mariah Carey Ordered To Pay Nick Cannon $1M Per Month In Child Support

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Mariah Carey has been ordered to pay ex-husband, Nick Cannon, one million dollars a month in child support. The ruling comes even though Carey has retained custody of their kids. The money is reportedly for Cannon’s own use.

“It’s always the kids who get hurt most in a divorce, and Cannon is clearly the victim here,” said Judge Tina Walters. “He’s just a small boy, trying to live a functional life in a normal, happy family. And yes, technically the ‘kids’ are living with Mariah. But who needs it more? Poor little Nick does, that’s who.”

Carey will not feel financial pressures from the ruling, as her reported net worth stands at a staggering $510 million. However, the former American Idol judge, which is perhaps the most condescending way of describing this legendary singer, plans to appeal.

“It’s not about the money, it’s a matter of principle,” said close friend, Hilda Hatsley. “Yes, Nick is a child, but he’s not her child. She married him – that’s not the same as adoption. She looked after him, which was never in the marriage contract in the first place. It’s not her job to keep him above water.”

Nick Cannon himself thinks that the order is fair.

“I’m not rich. She’s rich,” the rapper explained, using his words. “Therefore she should give me money. That’s how it works. I’m Robbing Hoodster – that guy in tights. I am the man. I am the man-child. I rock.”

Friends of Cannon have come to his defense.

“Nick’s not a child,” a source told us on condition of anonymity. “He’s a self-made man. Wikipedia calls him ‘an American actor, comedian, rapper, entrepreneur, record producer, and radio and television personality”. That’s a lot of things so kudos to him… Oh, wait, I don’t want to ruin his chances as real money. Er…I was joking about his accomplishments. Nick simply cannot look after himself. He needs all the help he can get.”

New England Man With Agoraphobia Hasn’t Left House In 10 Years, Still Bitching About Snowstorms

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire

You may have heard the term “agoraphobia” and you may even know that it refers to a fear of stepping outside your home. Maybe you learned it from that old Incubus song, or maybe you’re simply not a dumbass. Whatever the case, you’ll have sympathy for this New England man who hasn’t left his house in 10 years. Yes, that’s 10 years.

Daniel Wiley was a well-adjusted 22-year-old when he experienced his first attack of agoraphobia. The year was 2003, and New England was in the midst of a terrible snowstorm.

“That fucking snowstorm ruined my life,” he muses. “I had everything I had ever wanted. A job, a steady girlfriend, a family who loved me. And then one day I had it all taken away. Goddamit, it was cold out. Anyone would’ve done the same.”

The condition progressed to the point that Wiley could not even bear the thought of going out, in case there was another snowstorm.

“I hate when it’s too cold. It’s just plain uncomfortable. I’m not strange, I just don’t like the cold. It makes me shiver.”

Friends and family have urged him to move to Florida or California, where the climate is much warmer and not conducive to snow, but Daniel says he won’t let his condition dictate his life.

“Move? I’m not moving because of a stupid snowstorm. Only a sucker would do that. I looked outside the other day and there was 6 feet of snow on the ground. I almost vomited. But it’s not gonna stop me from living where I want to live and doing the things I want to do. I’ll just wait it out. Snowstorms are just a way of life up here. My way of life, though, happens to be staying the hell away from them. It’s nice and cozy in my house. ”

The Black Keys Told By Record Company to ‘Liven Up’ for Next Album

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

The Black Keys may be one of the most popular blues bands around today, but their record company thinks they’re due a change. In order to increase sales of their next album, Nonesuch Records has told the melancholy rockers to “liven up”. The band has been very successful with their sombre sound thus far, and this potential change could see their audience changing.

“The boys are a bit… whiny,” said Nonesuch spokesman, Jack Wilkinson. “Dan [Auerbach] and Patrick [Carney] have gotten rather self-indulgent, don’t you think? A bit more happiness and fun would do us all some good.”

Fans of the duo have been mixed in their response to the news. However, a significant minority say that it’s about time.

“I love the Black Keys, I do,” said superfan, Carrie Knight. “But… they moan a lot – like, a lot. Life’s not that bad, come on. I’d love to see what they do with faster beats and some major chords, along hopefully with fun lyrics about love affairs which have worked out swell.”

Others have been less than enthusiastic.

“If they become happy, that’s it,” said emo kid, Johnny Galbraith. “It’ll be like My Chemical Romance did with [final record] ‘Danger Days’. It was so disappointing to hear Gerard [Way] sound like he actually enjoyed life. I don’t want that to happen to any other of the artists I love and wish the best for.”

Guitarist and vocalist, Dan Auerbach, spoke to Empire News, letting us in on the background that led to their label’s latest prompt.

“I’ve written about twenty songs for the next album,” he said. “We were gonna choose about eleven or twelve for the final cut, but Nonesuch’s dude got real down while listening to the samples. He went home and killed himself, so they sent a new guy with the same result. That’s why they’ve dropped this bombshell on us – it’s not for the sake of the music; it’s their selfish desire to avoid lawsuits.”

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Gay Republicans

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In a landmark ruling in the New York Supreme Court, the progressive state will be the first in the US to legalize gay Republicans. The ruling is in response to years of activism from all three of the gay Republican senators in the state, including a protest which made use of a tear-jerking viral video showing gay elephants humping.

“We’re delighted at this huge step forward,” said the leader of the three, Bono Williams. “It’s been a long time coming, and we’re relieved that we can finally be acknowledged in living a lifestyle that for centuries has been seen as immoral and unlawful.”

Chair of the LGBTI Rights Foundation of New York, Pepper Staysoft, applauded the courage of the three unique freedom fighters.

“Everyone deserves their liberty, and gay Republicans are a group who have long had their rights neglected,” Staysoft wrote. “Yes, it affects only a tiny proportion of the population, but for those three people the ruling will be life-changing.”

The ruling is another victory for supporters of the right for bi-partisan sexual preferences and, according to Bono Williams, sets a precedent for future political freedoms.

Speaker of the US House of Representatives, Republican John Boehner, said however that its another step in the “erosion of the moral stature of our country. I have nothing against homosexuals. Some of my best friends are homosexuals. But allowing the recognition of gay Republicans compromises the sanctity of Republicanism. How are our children meant to grow up into proud conservatives when their role models are liberal anarchists?”

Other Republicans disagreed with Boehner’s sentiments and expressed their approval of the decision.

“I think it’s great for those folks,” said 2012 presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “From what I understand, homosexual simply means ‘A member of the primate genus Homo, especially a member of the species Homo sapiens, distinguished from other apes by a large brain and the capacity for speech’, and I see no reason why these individuals should be treated any differently by us heterosexuals.”

Congress Passes Law Banning Pit Bull Ownership After Another Attack, Death

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Two tragic incidents in the past month have led to a bill being passed by Congress criminalizing ownership of pit bulls. The drastic move comes after a West Virginia native was attacked and killed by a pit bull as he tried to resuscitate the dog’s dying owner. Both men were pronounced dead on arrival at the local hospital.

“It’s a tragedy that could have been avoided, no doubt,” said Chief of Police, John Stamson. “We’ve seen time and again that ownership of dangerous animals leads to these kinds of incidents, and it’s about time something was done to stop it.”

In February, a 2-year-old girl in Pittsburgh was killed by the same aggressive breed.

“It’s unconscionable to say that there should be no laws pertaining to these beasts,” said Congressman Bill Flambert. “I myself own a dog – a beautiful black lab named Tubby – and I know that they become part of the family, and the feelings of current owners should be taken into account. But to say that they’re ‘gentle and harmless’ as most owners do, is just blurring reality. Just as a dangerous family member needs to be incarcerated, it’s time pit bulls were removed from suburbia.”

The Pit Bull Owners Association of the US hit back at the new law, saying that unfair media prejudice is to blame for a misperception of their breed.

“Most pit bulls are no more dangerous than any other dogs,” said chairperson Robert Foundling. “Yes, occasionally a formerly gentle specimen goes apeshit and kills a toddler, another dog, or sometimes a feeble adult, but it’s the exception not the rule. I understand people are attached to their toddlers, but that can’t mean any threat to their wellbeing is dismissed or euthanized. Soon they’ll be outlawing cars in suburbia, because of the rare occasion that someone backs over a kid playing in a driver.”

Flambert responded that the Pit Bull Owners Association members are “missing the point.”

“The dogs have the words ‘pit’ and ‘bull’ in their name, for fuck’s sake. What more evidence do you need that they pose a drastic danger that is far beyond that of a chihuahua or a Bichon Frisé?!”

The Pit Bull Owners Association say that they will fight the new law, or be forced to take every single Pit Bull and move to Canada.

‘Mad Men’ Star Alison Brie Gains 80 Pounds For Upcoming Movie Role

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Petite actress, Alison Brie, known for her roles in Mad Men and Community, has shocked Instagram followers by revealing her current figure – eighty pounds heavier than the last time she was seen. The photo was captioned, “Work I’ve gone to in prepping for new movie has payed [sic] off. Bigger is not always better!”

Brie will play an overweight former model in Get Hard an upcoming comedy about a businessman (played by Will Ferrell) who enlists a never-before jailed black man (Kevin Hart) to prepare him for life behind bars. Brie will only make a brief cameo appearance, in a flashback in which Ferrell’s character reminisces about the time he fucked a hideous fatso just to prove a point to his mother.

“Alison is very much a method actor and really committed to her work,” said former Mad Men co-star Elisabeth Moss, who herself gained sixty pounds for a plot point in season one of the hit series. “She usually plays annoying characters, and for years she’s been annoying the shit out of people in real life, so that when she’s on screen she can pull off the necessary squeals and anal retentiveness which have characterised her roles.”

Friends and family of Alison, however, indicated that her growth may not be as innocent as the little lady seems. Their gut feeling was that “she’s been comfort eating, ever since losing the fight against anorexia. It’s hard to watch, and especially hard to swallow – not that she has any problem with that.”

Joel Mchale, former Community co-star and acerbic host of E! Entertainment gossip show The Soup, used the platform to make fun of the usually tiny and delicate actress.

“Alison Brie seems to think she’s Jared Leto,” he drawled in his unsympathetic monotone. “Putting disproportionate effort into little (or in this case, not so little) roles in mediocre movies. Talking about disproportionate, have you seen the way the fat squeezes into that miniscule frame? Seriously, the Michelin Man should be worried about his job security.”

Doctors To Classify ‘Binge-Watching’ As Severe Mental Disorder

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Eager to re-watch the first four seasons of Game of Thrones in anticipation of the April release of the next chapter? Well, your urges may be cause for concern. Binge watching has in the past year been clinically verified as an addiction, and now doctors are saying it might be in line for classification as a ‘severe mental disorder’.

“We all know that television gives us an escape from the harsh realities of life. It also allows us to dissociate from our bodies into a state of mental inaptitude,” Dr John Wallans, editor of psychiatric diagnostic handbook, DSM-V, explained on his YouTube channel. “What it can do is turn our brains off and make us sink into depression and apathy. Some people do not recover as quickly after watching one episode, and they are drawn into watching two or three at a time. The habit slowly develops into a disorder, in which they are never free from the psychological disintegration, and use excessive television marathons as a distorted coping mechanism.”

The public at large remains unimpressed.

“I coulda toldja that,” said chronic watcher Jim Bellic. “I know what’s wrong with my head, and I know why I binge watch. Doctors just wanna make everything into an illness ya know. It’s so they can make money on drugs. They’re in it with the pharmaceutical companies. I think it’s called pharming.”

Television personality Dr Oz has jumped onto the mental illness bandwagon, using the latest episode of his show to spread terror of this “terrible malady” and promote BingeKiller, a so-called “wonder-drug which cures tv induced depression in mere seconds.”

For more information about the symptoms of the disorder and how to treat it, stories of diagnosis and cure, and fear-mongering by irate Googlers, WebMD has added binge-watching to its catalogue, and has already built up over ten million comments sharing non-expert advice.

Lawsuit Filed Against Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian By Small-Bottomed Women

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The nation’s small butts have finally gotten together to file a class-action suit against Nicki Minaj and Kim Kardashian, along with other big-bootied celebrities. The lawsuit has been a long time coming, with small butts having voiced numerous complaints about their treatment in recent media.

“What Minaj and Kardashian and their ilk have done to us is nothing short of defamation,” said leader of the Big Butt Coalition, Sonny Peru. “We used to be proud of our size, even when Sir Mix-A-Lot couldn’t lie to us about liking big butts. That was all in good fun. But Minaj’s assertion that her ‘anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun,’ maligns us, turning us into a laughing stock. We’re the butt of everyone’s jokes,” he added, and laughed awkwardly at his cheesy quip.

Other body part groups have hailed the action as a possible landmark move, stating that if the small butts win their suit, it will pave the way for their own future actions.

“We’ve been struggling under the pressure of our bigger counterparts for decades now, maybe centuries,” stated head of the Small Breasts League, Melissa Jacobson. “Big butts have got it together better than we do, and their action has been relatively swift. It will serve as an inspiration for the small boob community to pool our resources. We’re generally self-sufficient – we don’t need much support, you know – but if we work together we too can make our mark on society.”

Legal experts are divided on the predicted outcome of the lawsuit.

“I think they’ll win,” said our own correspondent, Nick Haymaker. “After all, there are still plenty of men and women out there who love the small booty.”

Donny Hubert of CNN, however, disagreed.

“Big butts are in, and that’s just the way it is. Nicki Minaj and the like are simply a sign of what the public wants. Anacondas need their homes, ya dig?”

Skinny People ‘Insulted’ by Kelly Clarkson’s Disregard of Celebrity Body Type Standards

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Society has revealed its collective disgust at the blatant disregard shown by Kelly Clarkson for its standards. This comes days after Clarkson reacted nonchalantly to Katy Hopkin’s description of her ‘baby fat’ as just ‘fat’ and accusation that Clarkson ate her backup singers.

“We’ve worked for millennia at creating a globalized world in which our standards are… standardized,” said Monica Peele, a fashion model and self-proclaimed ‘fatist.’ “Miss Clarkson is spitting in the face of our long history of shaming anyone who does not conform. As a celebrity, she is meant to model exactly what we want of her. We feel betrayed by her continuing insult.”

Friends of the singer came to her defense. They said that her decision not to worry about her weight had nothing to do with society’s expectations, and that they know she still has respect for the people who gave her her fame in the first place.

“Kelly is fat, there’s no denying it,” said one anonymous friend. “She has decided not to conform to body-image standards set by skinny bitches, because of her – well, because of her own reasons. It’s nothing personal towards society as a whole. Also, we think there may be some other issues we’re not quite aware of.”

People like Peele, who consider themselves authorities on ‘fatties in the media,’ however, have hit back, saying that’s “just not the point.”

“Whether or not it’s personal has never mattered to Society,” said Joe Howerbrick, Peele’s underwear model boyfriend whose six pack abs are featured on billboards across the country. “What’s important is that societal norms are acknowledged and upheld. It’s exactly Clarkson’s indifference that is so difficult to stomach. If others follow her lead, the entire Social Contract will be at risk. What’s next – women with small breasts proudly walking around topless?”

Feminist leaders have praised Clarkson for her “courage to stand in the face of what a misogynistic world expects of her. She’s fat and disgusting, and we support her in her decision to stay that way. We can’t wait until her obesity hits record heights, and she’s still in the public eye. It’ll literally crush these skinny douchebags, pardon the pun.”