Would-Be Bank Robber Foiled By Bad Heart

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SKOWHEGAN, Maine –

Some people aren’t cut out to be criminals, as would-be bank robber, Tommy Perry found out the hard way.

Perry entered the Franklin Savings Bank with a backpack and a note instructing the teller to quickly empty her drawer. Witnesses say Perry seemed to be leaning on the counter as if to steady himself as she filled the bag. The teller had not even emptied her drawer before Perry suddenly fled out the door.

It is unclear how Perry planned to flee the area, but he did not make it out of the parking lot before collapsing.

Police discovered Perry lying between two parked cars, suffering from a heart attack and was detained and rushed to the hospital.

His wife says this may have been a blessing in disguise. “Tommy’s been under a lot of stress. He could’ve had a heart attack mowing the lawn, and we don’t have insurance right now. We would’ve been stuck with those medical bills. Now the state of Utah is footing the bill and he’s receiving the care he needs. All I can do is pray that if he doesn’t make it the life insurance policy will still go through. I’ll never forgive him if this means me and the kids won’t be taken care of.”

Cam Girl Kidnapped By Admirer, Escapes Homemade Dungeon

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

Dark fantasy became reality for on-cam erotic performer Cassie Grant, who goes by Lolly Baby, when she was kidnapped from her apartment April 3^rd. Grant was able to gain her captor’s trust, by playing along with his fantasies and telling him she loved him.

“I know what men want to hear. Even sickos like him. When I found myself in his basement, Cassie was worried she was going to die. Lolly took over and went along with the disgusting things he wanted to do to me, and Cassie tuned it all out.

“It took me a couple weeks he trusted me to come upstairs. He had me in a bathtub with all these baby toys when I got my chance to slip through a window. He took my dirty dress with him and went to find another one, so I had no clothes. Scraped myself pretty bad, but I ran through the woods like a bat out of hell.” Cassie eventually made it to a neighbor who gave her clothes and called the police.

Real-world Cassie, told her family that she worked from home as a medical transcriptionist, when in reality she made a living as cam-presence, Lolly Baby. Twenty-two year old, Lolly specialized in “innocent role play” where she assumed the role of a submissive underage girl. She talked to many men, who would give her “tips” to chat with them and perform sexual acts on camera.

One of her admirers took the roleplay so seriously, he managed to track her down, first finding her real Facebook account. Police say the suspect, Fred Wheeler then hired a local private investigator to find her location, claiming he was an ex-landlord, who had been stiffed.

“I thought I was safe. I never gave out my real name. I think I may have let a few details slip about my location. You say things in the heat of the moment. I don’t know. There’s definitely no way I’m going to be able to keep doing this kind of work. Lolly Baby died in there.”

Kids Lure Cats to Death with Laser Pointer

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

Cat owners can sleep a little easier now that suspects have been apprehended for luring at least five local cats to their deaths, endangering unsuspecting drivers. The names of two juveniles have not been released, but the laser pointer allegedly used was reportedly found upon strip-search of the boys.

Distressed neighbors had put signs around the community, warning drivers to be extra cautious.

The Bangor Daily News reports that Bill Dodge, 44, was the hero that finally caught the boys. He had seen the signs posted in the neighborhood and immediately slowed down when he saw suspicious red light.

“Big orange tabby. Smart fella- didn’t follow it into the road. I chased them boys now got a holda one of them. Pinned him down with my knee and dialed 911.”

Jenny Jackson, 37 was the first victim of the vicious trick. “A while off I saw a red light flashing on the side of the road. Then it stopped. I just thought they were messing around with me when I saw the little red dot in the street. A second later I saw the poor cat, and it was too late.

There was such a horrible thud. It was dark so I couldn’t make out much, but it looked like teenage boys in baseball caps, and I heard them cackling as they ran away through someone’s yard. Laughing! I couldn’t believe it. What if I swerved and hit a pole?”

BFFs Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King Not Speaking Over ‘Underwear Dispute’

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MAUI, Hawaii –

Long time best friends Oprah Winfrey and Gayle are officially on the outs, and Oprah says she will not get over the betrayal.

“All those times she screwed Stedman. I got over it – But stealing my most personal things is something I will not tolerate,” said the billionaire TV personality.

King has apparently admitted to secretly stealing and selling granny panties from Oprah’s underwear drawer for years.

“So here and there I slipped some drawers into my purse? She’s one of the richest women in the word, and the tightwad won’t even consider loaning me a few thousand. So, I found a harmless, quick way to make a grand. I’m sure most people would do the same.”

King says that she has been selling the panties as “worn by Oprah” or “moistened by Oprah” for several years on different websites, sometimes fetching up to $5,000 for a single pair of panties.

“I don’t even want to think about what became of my personals. It’s downright disgusting. Of course, I’m just a little flattered, but it’s also insulting they didn’t go for more than a measly few grand.”

Sources say that Oprah has considered selling her own underwear and bras online to supplement her income now that she has learned of their possible value.

Prenatal IQ Test Developed – Find Out How Smart (Or Dumb) Your Baby Will Be

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DUNEDIN, New Zealand –

What if you could tell how smart your baby would be while still in the womb? Doctors in New Zealand have begun administering prenatal tests that not only screen for chromosomal disorders like Downs Syndrome, but they can give expecting parents an idea how intelligent their baby is likely to be.

Louis Barnett, lead scientist behind the new test stresses the test is important so parents are aware their child has the predilection to be stupid as early as possible. “There’s always hope. It’s important to understand there are many factors that contribute to a person’s intellectual potential, and genes are only one. A person’s intelligence is affected by nurture, in the womb and throughout childhood. Even if the genetics aren’t the best, the right environment can maximize a child’s potential.

Our goal is ultimately to advance the technology so parents can tell as early as two months.”

When asked whether they were concerned this type of testing would lead to more parents selecting to abort less than perfect embryos, Barnett replied that he is pro-choice. “If a woman decides to abort the dummy before it’s too late, that should be her choice. Ethically, doctors would not sway patients one way or the other.”

Teams of pro-choice advocates in the US hope this technology will be helpful in developing tests to detect Republicans in the womb.

Foster Parents ‘Rent Out’ Child In Exchange For Crack

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

Think you had bad parents? Reggie and Amanda Knowlton have been charged with criminal neglect and child endangerment after allegedly “renting” there foster child, whose name has not been released, to settle drug debt.

Although neither party has commented, the pair allegedly alerted police when their daughter had been missing for five days. Police became suspicious of their involvement in the kidnapping when the couple admitted the girl had gone with her “uncle Larry” for a visit, days before, and that it had taken this long for them to file a missing persons report.

The twelve year old girl was recovered from Larry Cosley’s van, when local police happened upon his vehicle in an abandoned lot. Officer Brown says the girl is receiving medical care for the alleged rape. “She’s still in shock. Cosley did not admit to any crimes involving the girl, but when crack cocaine was discovered, he did admit to holding the girl as collateral until he was paid.”

Text messages tell a different story. The Knowltons appear to have agreed to trade her for one night to settle past debt. They then agreed to let her stay another night if she would be returned the next day with “an eight ball” of cocaine.

Yankee Candle Releases New ‘Cat Piss’ and ‘Homeless Wanderer’ Scents

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SOUTH DEERFIELD, Massachusetts –

Yankee Candle Company, one of the largest retailers of specicialty candles in the world, has recently announced a new line of ‘horrible smelling’ candles, which they will begin selling in their retail locations in the summer.

“We have been known for having long-lasting, sweet and almost delicious smelling candles for years,” said Yankee Candle spokesman Kyle Durkins. “Our Yankee Smellentists have been hard at work in the lab for months, seeking to create our new line, which we hope will be for those of our customers who want to try something a little different.”

Durkins says that among the new line of candles will be scents such as ‘Cat Piss,’ ‘Homeless Wanderer,’ ‘Dog Shit,’ and ‘Sweaty Pubic Hair.’

“We really wanted to get a vast variety of smells out there, and for years, our customers were asking us, ‘Hey Yankee, when are you going to make a bad candle for once?!’ We certainly didn’t want to let down our fans, so our new like of Yankee Skanky Candles will be released starting in June.”

“Personally, I can’t wait to get my hands on ‘Hot Garbage’ and ‘Next Morning Mexcian,'” said frequent Yankee Candle shopper Carlie Frost, 33. “My family loves their current smells so much, I can only imagine what something like ‘Fart Forrest’ might smell like. It’s like collecting memories, that’s how I think of it!”

Durkins said that they are accepting pre-orders for their candles in stores and on their website.

Secret Emails Reveal Hillary Only Running To Be Able To Have Affair In Oval Office

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A shocking set of emails were leaked on the internet this morning which seem to indicate a romantic fling between presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, and an anonymous stranger. In the emails, Hillary indicates that she is only running for president so that when she wins, she can “take a pounding” on the resolute desk in the Oval Office, much as her husband, former president Bill Clinton, was said to do while serving in office.

“Ohh…Billy thinks he’s the only one who can get some in the Oval Office? Screw him – I cannot wait to [expletive remove] your huge [expletive removed] with my tight [expletive removed] and my sopping wet [expletive removed],” read the email from Hillary’s private GMail email account. Responses included “mmm” and “Ohh yeah, Hills, tell me all about it, baby.” The anonymous emailer has not been identified. His email address is listed in the leak as 2Big4DatPoon6969@sexmail.com

Clinton’s handlers and campaign team say that the leaks are “completely fabricated” and that if they were real, they probably are “coming from the desk of her husband.”

“Former president Bill Clinton has a fun sense of humor, as well as some…kinks…and often likes to pretend he’s a random guy from the internet, hitting on his own wife,” said Clinton’s spokeswoman Gene Chandler. “We all have our sexual vices, that’s his. It’s really the private business of two consenting adults, and this leak is being researched.”

Bill Clinton, who was reached for comment at his family’s home in Arkansas, said that he doesn’t even know how to use emails, but that after being informed of their content, said that it was “pretty hot.”

Man Beats Wife To Death After She Burns His Steak Dinner

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOBILE, Alabama –

A Mobile man, Joel Randolph, 51, was taken into custody after he admitted to police officers that he had murdered his wife of 11 years, Janet Randolph, 38. According to police reports, Randolph murdered his wife after he arrived home from work and found that she had burned his steak dinner.

“For years, my lovely cooked the meat perfectly. Oh, how lovely cooked the meat,” said Randolph. “I came home from work, and I could even smell it far away. I walk in the door, and she had burned the steak. Burned that bastard to a crisp. It was disgusting. I work hard for the money that purchased the meat, and I’m sorry, but it’s unforgivable.”

Police chief Carl Moore said that Randolph was being arraigned later this week, and if convicted, could face life in prison.

“I wish this was still the good ol’ days, when only men served on the jury,” said Randolph. “I’d never be convicted it it were men. They know how to keep a good wife in line, and if she burns the meat, she deserves whatever is coming to her.”

Randolph says that although he regrets admitting to the crime, he does not regret that it happened.

“She tried to apologize, too. ‘Hope you got strong teeth today, Joel,’ is what she said. ‘I’m sorry, I burned the steak!’ Well bitch, I have strong teeth, but I got a stronger backhand, apparently. We used to have no strife in our relationship – she was a lovely, lovely wife. What a shame to have it end like this.”

Several States Look To Outlaw Passengers In Vehicles To Avoid Driver Distractions

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

Representatives in congress for the states of Idaho, Mississippi, and Georgia are looking into legislation that would outlaw any vehicle operator having passengers with them. The states say that after cracking down on cell phones and texting while driving, this was the next logical step.

“We have seen the rate of car accidents and deaths reduced drastically since we implemented laws that would force drivers to stop using their cell phones while behind the wheel,” said Idaho state representative Joel Madden-[R]. “We plan to initiate new laws that would make it an offense to be riding in the vehicle while it is in motion. Under new regulations, no vehicle would be allowed to be on roadways with more than one person in them.”

Many state voters in Idaho say that the law is “outrageous,” and will never pass.

“It doesn’t make sense. I can text and drive no problem, I can eat and drive no problem – hell, I can put on makeup while I’m driving, and I’m totally fine,” said Miranda Jewel, 17, of Boise. “This new law will really put a damper on my Friday nights. If I can’t go driving with my boyfriend, then how are we going to drive into the woods together to have sex in the back of his pickup truck? Laws are stupid.”

Most members of congress say that it’s not about putting a damper on freedoms, it’s about making sure everyone is safe.

“Once we have a handle on these horrible in-car conversations, which have caused countless accidents over the years, we will move on to other regulations, including disallowing the sale of any vehicle with a radio, and also forcing car manufacturers to remove cup holders from cars sold in our states – drinking or eating and driving also kills,” said Madden. “We want everyone to be safe, and make it to their destination without veering into a telephone pole or another car.”

State representatives are scheduled to vote on the new regulations May 1st.