New Film Features Crossover Between ‘The Hangover,’ ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’

Posted on March 23, 2015 by Justin Birch

HOLLYWOOD, California –

It’s a crossover that no one expected but everyone is raving about – ‘The Hangover,’ directed by Todd Phillips, and ‘Nightmare on Elm Street,’ directed by Wes Craven, come together as the two great minds collaborate on ‘Hangover on Elm Street.’

Canonically, the film is removed from both preceding series, meaning it is meant to be taken as an entirely standalone story. Familiar faces from both films are expected to appear: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifinakis, and Justin Bartha, as well as the legendary and the apparently immortal Robert Englund, better known as Freddy Krueger, whose career has shown no signs of slowing since 1974.

While not many details have been leaked, as the film is still in the midst of production, the plot appears to lean heavily toward the horror original. It may involve just about everyone passing out drunk after an epic bachelor party, and falling victim to Krueger’s claws in an almost satirically cheesy manner similar to the original ‘Nightmare on Elm Street.’ Ken Jeong as Mr. Chow is expected to make an appearance, doing something racist and drug related, and then promptly dying.

In order to attract the greatest male audience, most of the female roles have been re-casted with much younger actresses. Craven and Phillips fully intend to imbue the same or better sexual content in the new film.

Initial responses to the film have been varied, some citing it as a possible “bad sequel” to the legendary classic art film and the lesser but still noteworthy horror flick. The idea seems to be warming, though, as fans from both sides realize that compared to most recent films, it would take serious effort for this to look like anything other than gold.

Azealia Banks Playboy Spread Proves No One Actually Reads Articles

Posted on March 23, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

With the recent appearance of Azealia Banks posing nude in an edition of Playboy, the magazine’s editors still seem to be unaware that no one actually reads the magazine.

When asked about Banks and her insightful comments in the issue of Playboy, straight men and lesbians everywhere divided into two camps: those who didn’t even realize there was text alongside each picture, and those who know what Google Image Search is.

From the first camp, Sarah, 26, explained her surprise.

“Wow, it’s like an optical illusion! First all I saw was boobs, but after you pointed it out the words just magically appeared!”

She later commented that she still wasn’t going to read it, since she didn’t really care what Banks had to say and was more concerned about how much wasted space the text takes up when it could be filled by pictures.

On the other side, 20 year-old college student Zach mentioned that he didn’t understand why or how Playboy still published a magazine:

“People seriously still pay for that? I can find an endless stream of dirty pictures – including all of the ones in this magazine – on Google in a matter of seconds.”

Banks herself took to social media to explain that she really wanted her fans to read her comments, and that she didn’t just do it for money or attention. She cited it as a move toward equality, or something, and then posted more scantily-clad photos of herself. Despite her request, even loyal fans find themselves in either Zach or Sarah’s situation.

Dentists Retract Years Of Research, Now Say Candy Helps Teeth Stay Strong

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Warnings of rotting teeth and early dentures immediately spring to mind for many who grew up with health-conscious parents, but a recent trend among dentists may mean that is all about to change.

Dentists all over the world are declaring that candy and other sugar-packed sweets are actually the secret to strong, healthy teeth. This is backed by the ADA, or American Dental Association, who seem to be the originators of the claim. The ADA Seal of Acceptance, which previously appeared on products like toothpaste and some gum, will now appear on many types of candy.

“Hard sugary candies and the sticky stuff that gets stuck to your teeth are the best,” the ADA’s executive director explained. “The old idea that sugar rots your teeth out was akin to the idea that the Earth was flat – really just ignorant assumption.”

Everything in moderation, of course – too much isn’t good for you, experts say, just like drinking five gallons of water in a day isn’t good for you. Most dentists agree that if your teeth end up rotting out and you have to shell out thousands of dollars to them for operations and dental products, you most likely have poor dental hygiene habits in other areas. The “sweet spot” seems to be five to seven pounds of sugary candy a week.

Researchers across the country have taken an interest in this new return-to-candy movement as people seem to be visiting dentists more than ever. Many have mysteriously also retracted their statements, instead praising the ADA for its great research.

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire –

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

Museum Says Shootings In Tunisia ‘Good For Publicity’

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

OAKLAND, California –

With the recent museum shooting in Tunisia, many museums stateside are seeing increased traffic. The Oakland Museum of California in particular came forth to talk about the shooting and its hopes for the future.

“My thoughts go out all those affected by the shooting – but it’s been great for business. People have a renewed sense of appreciation of the importance of museums, even if it’s superficial and based on sensationalism,” a representative from OMCA said in an interview.

“I’m not saying I want it to happen, but a shooting is incredible for publicity – maybe if the gunmen are just really drunk or have bad aim and don’t take any lives?” he added.

While his words may be met with an incredulous glance at first, a closer look reveals them to be true. Each year fewer people visit historical, art, and educational museums, leaving many of them with no option but to close their doors. The culprit: apathy of the new generation. When something dramatic happens, however, people suddenly regain interest.

OMCA recently dedicated a research team to this effect which they termed “Hipster Empathy.”

“Thanks to social media, whenever something happens, people gobble up the headlines in an attempt to seem cultured,” the head of the team explained. “We originally thought one of two things: either they make the connection that visiting a museum will ACTUALLY make them more cultured, or the faint possibility of danger makes it seem more exciting,” the head of the team explained.

In the end, the team leaned more toward a subconscious link to the shooting in Tunisia, adding that explosions or some kind of blatant racism would have been more exciting and could make the effect stronger.

Adding Cheese To All Foods In Your Diet Could Be Great Way To Die Young

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

CARSONVILLE, Iowa –

With retirement funds disappearing, job security becoming a myth, debilitating diseases running rampant, and old age divorces at an all time high, early deaths are becoming an attractive prospect for many resourceful men and women. This presents several problems, of course: pain, effort leading up to death, and possibly unpaid life insurance – not to mention open caskets and closure for family members. The solution is surprisingly simple: cheese.

By eating cheese with or for every meal, depending on the starting age, one could expect to die as young as 23 – the ideal age for college-goers who do not wish to experience the soulcrushing rigors of normal adult life. The cause of death will most likely be stroke or heart attack.

While these are not without pain, they are much less painful than other methods. Furthermore, eating cheese often is an easy, snowballing method that requires no effort; in fact, since cheese is such a varied and great tasting food, it can even be fun. It is a nonviolent way to go, leaving families with better chances for closure, an open casket, less likelihood for life insurance denial, and less likelihood to chicken out at the last second.

Experts say as much as a single ounce every other day is enough for many, but to be sure, an ounce per day or more is suggested. Many people, Americans especially, consume this amount on a daily basis without even realizing it; all that’s needed is to stop exercising and perhaps drink less water, which certainly isn’t a problem for the USA.

Israel Does More Stuff That Americans Pretend To Care About

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

JERUSALEM, Israel –

BREAKING NEWS: leaders in Israel are currently doing stuff, things, and other stuff. As news of this reaches the United States, many citizens are shocked, outraged, proud, happy, and unsurprised.

Empire News took to the streets to hear what people have to say about the most recent actions of That One Guy, the Prime Minister of Israel.

“It’s crazy,” Rajesh, 22, said, “The way they treat their people is just unacceptable… I have such strong opinions about this.”

We asked Rajesh for a more in-depth explanation of his thoughts, to which he simply kept responding “It’s crazy” or “really shocking.”

Another young mind had a different take on it, though: “I think it’s great that they’re making progress with, like, social issues, and peace and stuff,” Anita, 19, said.

With each interviewee, we conducted a short poll:

Roughly 80% of responders said they saw headlines of new events in Israel on Facebook but didn’t actually read the articles. 98% agreed that pretending to be knowledgeable of current events in Israel made them seem more worldly, cool, intelligent, and sensitive. Less than 1% actually had any idea what they were talking about, and finally, 100% of all responders said they weren’t sure if it was the country of Israel or Isis, or if either of those were even countries.

As sensational headlines fill social media, millions of Americans continue to pour out their cocktail of emotional support for anyone and everyone they possibly can. That One Guy is expected to do another thing in the near future, which already has many making vague and embarrassingly uneducated comments.

Texas Family Fined For Not Removing Christmas Lights From Outside Home

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

In a monumental decision by the State of Texas, a new law has been enacted that resulted in one family being fined $12,000 for leaving their Christmas lights up too long.

The Sorenson family is just like any other – except that they are always the last to take down their decorations, for any holiday. Many neighbors have filed complaints about the annoyance of light pollution at night far into the new year, but it wasn’t until mayor Ivy R. Taylor passed through and noticed the decorations that anything was done about it.

“No one wants to see Christmas decorations that late in the year. It’s just obnoxious and tacky,” said the mayor.

In the case Sorenson v. City of San Antonio, an intense debate sparked over how long was too long to keep decorations up. The mayor’s initial declaration was a single week, stating: “These late compliers tarnish our beautiful city’s reputation and create tension for other residents. If we come down hard, it will stop – immediately.”

The ultimate decision, however, was the end of January, to accommodate for various religious and cultural beliefs associated with the holiday season. The initial fine for the first offense starts at just $100, with a small additional fine for each day over the limit.

Many residents are ecstatic about this change, citing the same frustrations. The Sorenson family plans to fight it any way they can.

Mayor Taylor declined to comment on stores putting decorations and festive food out for sale several months in advance.

U.S. To Replace St. Patrick’s Day With More Diverse ‘National Drunk Day’ In 2016

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Following years of racial inequality, the United States is finally making the right move: in 2016, the previously Irish-centric holiday St. Patrick’s Day will be replaced with the more diversity-friendly and honestly titled “National Drunk Day.”

Proponents of this change say St. Patrick’s Day, while historical in nature, had little to do with Irish history in modern times and was really all about drinking green beer. With the holiday declared, certain traditions are encouraged to remain intact, including said green beer and women having an excuse to wear tight and revealing green clothing. The hope is that these colors will still be relevant as people will get so drunk they end up puking up green bile.

President Obama recently spoke of his support for this change. “Most Americans are too stupid to understand the real meaning behind St. Patrick’s Day anyway. It only tarnishes Irish history and gets in the way of things our country is really about – alcoholism, degrading women, and partying.”

By removing the Irish component to the holiday, people of all backgrounds will be able to feel more welcome to celebrate it. In fact, changing the title to National Drunk Day invites the diversity of the American spirit, as it truly defines the nation’s Greatest Past-time.

Some opposition to this change has made its way to the surface, mostly in the form of those trying to “maintain the intellectual integrity of our nation.” Their cries fall on deaf – and mostly drunk – ears, however, and show no promise of having any sway.

Nickelodeon Announces Remakes Of Over 40 TV Shows From 90s

Posted on March 21, 2015 by ZGHarris

MIAMI, Florida –

For many the ages of 27 through 35 can be a tough transition into full-fledged adulthood. But for all the 90s kids in the world, life has finally thrown them a juicy bone. Nickelodeon has announced that starting in the Summer of 2015, a revamping of nearly 40 classic Nickelodeon shows will be reproduced and re-aired.

“It is time to return to the nostalgic era of Television,” said Director of Programming Arthur Nicholson. “The 90s kids are the reason we are where we are today, and we have to remember that.”

While the entire lineup has not been revealed, initial shows fingered for recreation include: Pete & Pete, Rockos Modern Life, Art You Afraid of the Dark?, Doug, Legends of the Hidden Temple, and Ren & Stimpy. Nichols hinted that nearly every show aired throughout the 90s will find its way to reproduction.

“I’m super stoked, man,” said Jake Festein, a 32-year-old clerk at a local Best Buy. He stated he grew up on the many shows on Nickelodeon.

“Those shows were so awesome. I can’t wait to chill out and watch all those shows again, man. I’d come home from school before my parents were off of work, and I’d like watch them and like laugh and stuff. It’s going to be great. Those shows were so awesome, man.”

As soon as the revamping of shows was announced, General Mills noted a influx of demand for their varied cereals, including many that had gone out of circulation.

“We haven’t seen demand like this in over 15 years,” stated General Mills Vice President of Supply, John Church.

“Thank God we brought French Toast Crunch back when we did. We have seen the demand for the product spike by nearly 2,500 percent since Nickelodeon made their announcement. We’re also getting high demand for Sprinkle Spangles, Minibuns, and Berry Berry Kix. It’s like nothing we’ve seen since I was in high school. These numbers are out of this world.”

In likely related news, marijuana dispensaries have noted a shortage in supply after a run on product, which appears to have been in line with Nickelodeon’s announcement.

Said Nicholos of the situation, “We’re just happy to see the fans are responding so positively. We can’t wait to introduce a whole new generation of kids to programming that will know will have a large impact on their lives.”