Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Michelle Obama has made a name for herself as a particularly active and community-oriented first lady. Now the mastermind between the Healthy Eating Act is taking her public relations a step further. She has announced that she will be posing fully nude in an upcoming Playboy centerfold.

“Women’s issues are always at the top of my agenda,” she stated in an open letter to the public. “Something that has plagued modern day females is expectations of modesty and shame about how they look. While women such as Lena Dunham have done their bit to change the norms of girls being ashamed to show their ‘societally imperfect’ bodies, the First Lady appearing naked will make body pride all the more normal.”

President Obama has expressed his support and delight at his wife’s announcement.

“Michelle is a very sexy lady. She should have the privilege that any other woman has, to show the sides of herself that she chooses,” he told the press. “The First Lady has the right to bare arms. And legs. And thighs, and breasts.”

Conservative radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has used his platform to bemoan what he calls “proof that liberals are bringing on the Apocalypse.”

“First, they took over Hollywood and practically turned acting into nothing more than pornography,” he raged. “Now they are going way too far. The First Lady should be a role model, not a Playboy model. What about the children? Has she forgotten about the children?”

But not all conservatives feel the same way. Republican senator Mitch Mcconnell has voiced his approval at the groundbreaking news.

“I think it’s sweet,” he wrote on his blog, ‘Republican Matters’. “Michelle is a close friend of mine, and I’ve always thought she’d look good in the buff. If anything, it’s a travesty she’s kept her body from us this long. The First Lady belongs to the people, and the people have spoken. It is time to see Michelle Obama’s lady bits.”

Bill Cosby Brings Up Rape Allegations In Interview Because No One Was Talking About Him Anymore

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In 2014, Bill Cosby carried out what seemed to be one of the worst PR decisions in history. In the midst of rape allegations, his publicity team released a web app that gave users the capability to create memes of the iconic actor, with almost no effort. Of course, almost every meme centered on the charges of sexual misconduct. Over recent months, it’s become clear that the maneuver was not a mishap.

“Every interview we’ve had, he’s brought up the rape charges,” said Tonight Show host, Jimmy Fallon. “And there’ve been lots. I tried to draw him out on other topics, like the glory days of The Cosby Show, and Kids Say the Darndest Things. But all he wants to do is speak about all the women accusing him of heinous sex crimes. Clearly he sees that as his biggest publicity opportunity.”

Other TV personalities have confirmed Fallon’s assessment. The Late Show host, David Letterman, revealed that Cosby has been contacting his secretary, asking to be interviewed in response to the charges.

“He’s called six or seven times,” Fallon told us. “Every time it’s the same. He’s in the limelight again, because of these charges, and he thinks we should interview him. Initially, I agreed, but he said he was all booked up for the next few months. I told him I was retiring and he’d have to contact Stephen [Colbert], but he doesn’t seem to get it. He thinks I’m just going to wait for him, to deal with what he calls ‘sensational’ accusations.”

Cosby’s former publicist, Joan Tarshis, who herself has accused the comic of rape, says that bringing up dirt on himself is an old tactic of Cosby.

“He made me leak the story of his daughter’s drug addiction, just for the extra press. Seriously. That’s almost as low as he went with me. He’s a horrible human being. It almost makes me forget about the time he ate cake. Those times were awesome.”

New Mexico Crematorium Found To Be Giving Families Grilled Steak Char In Place Of Ashes

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CARLSBAD, New Mexico –

Staff of a crematorium in New Mexico have admitted to giving hundreds of grieving families the charred remains of barbecue, instead of their loved one’s ashes. The fraud was first discovered when a certain mourner opened the jar containing supposed human remains and smelled a strong odor of grilled steak.

“It was a harrowing experience,” said James Innet. “I thought that my Martha was in there, but what I found was the ashes of a very different type of cow.”

Innet would not reveal why he had opened the jar in the first place, discovering what scores of others never would have.

When the true destination of the corpses received at the crematorium was investigated, it was revealed that they were sold as novelty items to the rich and eccentric.

“People love our service,” said salesmen Jose Hernandez. “They take the bodies home to show their friends, put them on display, that sort of thing. They aren’t worried about laws, because these people are rich. They do not know the rules, and do not care.”

The discovery may explain the latest trend started by Better Homes and Gardens magazine, which advises readers to set up recently deceased corpses in the entryways of their houses in order to improve the feng shui, and impress visitors.

“You may have a deer head on your wall,” the latest edition read. “Why not add a human head to your collection? It hurts no one, and will show your readiness to try new things. What’s more, it costs a fortune which you can repeatedly tell your friends!”

Woman Posts ‘Ten Hours Walking in Heels’ Video To Internet – The Comments She Gets Are Disgusting

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Justin Birch

CHICAGO, Illinois –

One of the most recent fads on the internet is the “ten hours walking” video – a montage of a person, usually with some particular identifying characteristic, walking down the streets of a city to prove a point. The latest of these is “Ten Hours Walking in Heels,” filmed by possibly the bravest woman on the planet.

Sandra Gaaf said she got the idea one day when she was trying on a pair of high heels at a shoe store, walking up and down the aisle to get a feel for them, when a man walked by and said simply: “those look painful.”

That was the only spark she needed.

“I still can’t believe we live in a world where a woman can’t walk around in bone-deformingly high heels without getting comments about them,” said Gaaf.

The following day she set out wearing the same pair of heels and walked the streets of Chicago. Men and women alike turned their heads and grimaced as she walked by. Out of all the comments and looks, Gaaf says one stood out and stuck with her for the entire day.

“This woman had the nerve to act compassionate and concerned. It’s about three minutes into the video – she says, ‘hey lady, I’ve got a spare pair of sneakers – you look like you could use them!’ Can you believe that? I mean, what was she trying to say with that last part?”

As part of Gaaf’s experiment she bit her lip and kept walking, but couldn’t shake the remark even during our interview.

Prince Reveals Shocking Truth About His Hair

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The artist formerly known as “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince” has revealed the truth about his hair – and it will shock his hordes of fans. He is actually a natural blonde. Yes, you heard that correctly – Prince is a natural blonde.

“I’m not ashamed of it,” he said in an exclusive interview with Empire News. “It’s haunted me my whole life. When my momma saw I had blonde hair – and I had a big bush of it when I came into the world – she screamed in horror. She didn’t know what to do, having had a black baby with blonde hair.”

Once she came to terms with the fact that it was a genetic defect, Prince’s mother, Mattie Della, decided never to let her son out in public without having his hair dyed to a perfect black.

“Every morning she’d wash my hair in black dye, and not even I knew at first that I wasn’t a natural. She didn’t think I’d be able to take the news. But when I was five years old, she thought I’d better hear it from her, rather than waking up from a hair growth spurt and realizing I had blonde roots.”

Prince later took on the responsibility of treating his own hair.

“It simply became a part of my routine. For most kids, bathing and brushing teeth and hair is what they must do in the morning. I just had that little extra task of keeping my identity in tact.”

When he became a professional artist, he considered letting his true roots out, as his identity was already flamboyant and idiosyncratic.

“I could’ve told the world I was blonde, but I thought I’d wait until a time when I wasn’t successful – when I needed something to gain more publicity. That time never came, so I decided I might as well come out with it now. After all, my popularity has peaked and stabilized. I’ll never need to resort to stunts.”

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress ‘Just To Piss Off Republicans’

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In the latest round of exchanged animosities between the Republican and Democratic Parties, Barack Obama has officially invited Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, to speak before Congress. The news comes in the wake of House Speaker, John Boehner, inviting Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak in what is usually considered a ‘sacred’, constitutionally defended forum.

“We think it’s only appropriate that President Rouhani gets the same opportunity as Netanyahu,” Obama told a press conference. “After all, Netanyahu’s speech was designed as a defamation of Rouhani’s country. Also, we happen to know that the Republicans will hate this. Two can play at this game.”

Political experts around the country have been frantically throwing their opinions at our reporters.

“Get ready for a fight night like never before!” said Rita Harlow. “I expect Boehner and Obama to get physical this time around.”

“Rouhani is gonna blow those Republicans away,” Noel Reed told us. “Not literally – I mean, not with a nuclear bomb or anything. I mean, oh God, I didn’t mean… I don’t know anything I promise!”

Congress has already been likened this week to a ‘high school’, a ‘neighborhood watch meeting’, and a ‘parents-teachers AGM’. The Republican invitation to Netanyahu – which was kept secret until all plans were finalised – was an unprecedented breach of protocol. All the more so, since Netanyahu’s agenda was apparent – as the speech coincided with the upcoming Israeli elections.

“We’re organizing new elections in Iran,” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “Our move has to be just as petty as theirs. Otherwise, they still have one up on us. Which is entirely unacceptable when dealing with petty politics.”

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, for his part, has thanked the Democratic Party for inviting him to speak before Congress. Although his gracious acceptance did have one caveat.

“I’m delighted to have the opportunity to speak to Congress,” he said. “However, I want to ensure that no partisan politics are reflected in the decision. Otherwise, no deal. I will not compromise the stature of Iranian Democracy for the petty infighting of US politics.”

Man Drives Car Through Donut Shop After Learning They Are Out of Maple Glazed

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MILFORD, New Hampshire –

Johnathan Elm, 27, was arrested Tuesday morning after driving his car through the front window of a local donut shop. Elm was apparently upset that the store, Wicked Good Donuts, had just run out of his favorite donuts, maple glazed.

“He started yelling and screaming and cursing at us, calling us ‘Donut-Hole Whores’ and ‘Pastry Pimps,’ seriously bizarre and crazy things,” said shop owner Marlene Simmons. “It was scary. We asked him to leave and he wouldn’t, but when I went to call the police, that’s when he ran out of the store.”

Reports by people outside the shop say they heard Elm screaming, and saw him running out the door, where he bolted across the street and got into his car.

“He was parked outside, across the road,” Said Joey Goldsmith, an eyewitness. “I watched him get into his car and then immediately drive it straight at the front window of the donut store. The glass shattered and then there were donuts and crullers flying all over the place. Sugar and liquid glaze went everywhere. It was like a diabetic nightmare out here.”

Elm was knocked unconscious during the accident when his airbag failed to deploy, causing him to crash directly into a rack of freshly made muffins.

“Blueberry corn muffins, our top seller. On sale this week for 4 for $6.99. Best deal in town,” said Simmons.

Not surprisingly, there were several police cruisers in the vicinity of the donut shop at the time of the accident, and Elm was immediately arrested and taken into custody, charged with reckless endangerment, attempted assault, and rampant destruction of delicious breakfast foods. He was initially brought to Milford Memorial Hospital to treat minor injuries sustained in the crash.

Police say that Elm blames his actions on Michael Vale, the actor who played “Fred The Baker” in many early Dunkin Donuts commercials.

“Fred knew when it was time to make the donuts. He was always making the f—— donuts. He’d have never run out of maple glazed! Never!” Said Elm in a police interview.

Elm was held and released Friday on $15,000 bail, and is currently restricted from entering any establishment that sells donuts or donut paraphernalia.

Court Jester Set to Perform at Democratic Party Dinner

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The official spokesman of the White House has announced in the public square that the court jester will be performing at the upcoming party being hosted by the Democratic Party. His services are being employed for the first time this decade, after his last disastrous mishap at the First Lady’s banquet. The public is expected to be given pavilions from which to watch the official jester’s performance on a first come first serve basis.

“This is very exciting,” said one peasant. “I’ve heard so much about this dude’s talent, and I just can’t wait to watch him juggle, jest, and make a fool of himself for our entertainment.”

Lord of the court, Barack Obama, says that the renewal of the loyal servant’s services is appropriate, due to the climate of the times.

“We need some lightheartedness to bring to our people,” he told his aides. “With nuclear weaponry, sewerage, and the plague of Ebola having cast a dark cloud over our beloved country for the past few years, it is time to welcome our most important entertainer back from exile.”

The jester was sent into exile in 2006, after he spilled blood on then first lady Bush’s elegant gown. He was in the middle of a caper in which he cut open a large growth he had been cultivating on his forearm, and had grown to massive proportions. Unfortunately, as he stuck in the knife, the pressure from the growth caused a massive expulsion of blood and pus into the crowd, contaminating viceroy Dick Cheney and First Lady Bush. The administration sent him to live in the dark jungles of Africa, where he was recently located and returned to our shores.

In his own statement to the local press, the jester said that he was “grateful to the king and all his servants who worked to restore my honor. I have learned from my mistakes and will exercise the necessary caution this time when I cut off my manhood for the entertainment of my dear leaders. I promise that this time there will be no stray blood, urine or even semen.”

Baby Mermaid Washes Ashore In Caribbean, Proves Existence of Mythical Creatures [VIDEO]

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PACIFIC OCEAN, CARIBBEAN –

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has confirmed that a baby mermaid that washed ashore just off of South America is, in fact, a real mermaid.

The creature, the first specimen of its kind to be studied by the agency, washed up on a beach, and was unfortunately already deceased. NOAA officials have said, though, that they had been tracking mermaids for some time, and although they had been able to photograph them previously, this was the first time that one had made its way to shore.

NOAA spokesperson Sandy Nixon first reported the findings to the Weekly World News, where she insisted that these “magical females,” which have been part of the lore of many different groups of people over thousands of years, were real.

“At least 65 mermaid researchers and experts gathered on the island of Tahiti to examine the known evidence and have concluded that the half-human, half-fish hybrids are living peacefully among us,” Nixon told WWN.

Experts indicate that the mermaids generally stick to warmer waters of the Caribbean, but are not unknown in the waters of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, including a small group of mermaids said to live off the shores of the coast of Maryland.

White Teen Murders Her Black Baby, Gets House Arrest; Judge Says ‘Child Would Have Been Gangbanger Anyway’

Posted on March 7, 2015 by ZGHarris

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a stunning turn of events, a Colorado woman has been given a sentence of 6-months house arrest after she was convicted of murdering her child. The reason for the crime is almost as heinous as the crime itself, as the judge noted the loss of life being “less than substantial,” due to the color of the child as well as the background of the mother/father.

“Due to the father being a less-than-stellar member of society, as well as the mother being one to consort with this type of individual, I find no reason to extend her sentence longer than necessary, at a cost to the tax payers,” said Judge Jeffery Reinhold.

Social advocates have been in an uproar since the judgment, with many citing an obvious line of racism in the Judge’s sentencing.

“The man is a bigot and it’s as simple as that,” said Nancy Hartford of Conscious Social Change, a progressive action collective of citizens in Colorado. “Just because the father is African-American and may have a history of violent crimes, does not somehow wave the child’s rights.”

In response to the outrage, Reinhold has stood firm in his position.

“The bottom line is that incarcerating the mother would be a waste of taxpayer dollars. The father was a criminal, the mother a drug addict. Putting her in prison would make her a better criminal and cost us all more money. What is done cannot be undone. While tragic, it is logical to assume the child would have grown up to be a poor citizen. More than likely he’d listen to gangster rap and dream of being a gangbanger. So the loss of life is really not that big. Babies grow up, and this baby would have decidedly grown up to be a criminal, too.”

Nancy Hartford and the entire CSC collective stated they could not even find the words to respond to the ridiculous and heartless statements of Reinhold. And only questioned if the mother was given a short sentence due to her being white.

“The mother has a chance to be rehabilitated,” said Reinhold. “Six months includes visits from clergymen and from community members that can help her see the error of her ways and turn back to being a proper citizen that does not consort with gang members and drug addicts.”

When pressed for comment Hartford could only respond with “Some people in this world have a sick sense of right and wrong.”