Iran’s Supreme Leader Not a Fan of ‘American Sniper’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TEHRAN, Iran –

Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, has spoken out against critically acclaimed film, American Sniper, saying that he is “not a fan.” The screenplay, which portrays a real-life US soldier who killed 160 ‘enemies’, struck a nerve with the spiritual head of the Islamic country.

“The dialogue is poorly written, and some of the secondary cast is very poorly chosen,” Khamenei told TMZ. “In addition, the soundtrack does not do the visuals justice.”

Some have criticized the film for portraying Islamic people as ‘uncivilised’ and the conflict as ‘simplistic’, but the supreme leader’s criticisms have gone far beyond what he calls “possible thematic inaccuracies”, sparking a feud with director and producer, Clint Eastwood. “What bothers me most is the way the camera angles make the action look contrived, bastardized to resemble any other Hollywood action movie,” he added.

Eastwood, who reminded us that he is the man responsible for the highest-grossing war film in history, hit back at Khamenei’s comments, saying, “Who is he to judge? I’ve seen his work. [1991 Iranian drama] Mother totally sucked – yes, it wasn’t Hollywood-ised, and it was gritty and moving, but it hardly had a budget, and some of the actors were clearly amateur and didn’t even speak English!”

After half an hour of Googling the Ayatollah’s filmography, we managed to track down the movie in question, and found it to be attributed to Iranian director Ali Hatami, and not Khamenei, to whom Eastwood inaccurately credited it.

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, publicly disagreed with the supreme leader, simply saying, “Eastwood is legendary. Don’t f*** with him.”

Miami Coast Guard Rescues Hundreds of Dolphins Stranded in the Ocean

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

In a day hailed as the “peak of marine heroism,” the Miami coast guard has rescued hundreds of dolphins from the Atlantic Ocean. The majestic creatures were reportedly stranded there for an undetermined amount of time before their plight was spotted by an observant tourist on Sunday morning.

“These poor animals have been stuck in the sea longer than anyone we’ve rescued in the past,” said head of operations, Warren Bailey. “We attribute their survival to their well known ability to adapt to harsh conditions. They are the second smartest mammals on earth, after all.”

Trent Richman, the man who initially called attention to the dolphins’ plight, has been hailed as an “all-American hero.”

“Trent epitomizes our great nation’s values,” said Miami mayor, Tomas Pedro Regalado. “We’re hospitable to anyone in their time or need, American or foreign, human or animal.”

Richman himself played down his role in the rescue.

“Anyone else would have done the same,” he humbly told reporters. “Who could leave innocent beings to drown in this huge ocean? I saw them desperately jumping into the air for what they must have believed were their last breaths. I called the coast guard and they’re the ones who should be applauded for their quick response.”

Mayor Regalado is apparently doing everything in his power to find housing for the dolphins until they recover from their ordeal, which may have lasted years.

“Our hotels are filled up right now – this is a favorite city for vacations all year long. Also, due to their corpulence, they can’t fit in most citizens’ houses, so we have quite a dilemma on our hands. For now, we’re working hard to build tent cities for them to stay in, but with the huge amount of refugees on our hands, some of them will inevitably sleeping under the stars for the next few nights.”

At press time, the survivors were resting from the drama on the beach, out of reach of the projected tides. When asked for comments, their lack of response was likely due to their need to sleep off the exhaustion. They are, however, expected to be up and running within the next few hours.

Tobacco Companies Begin Shamelessly Stealing Marketing Ideas From ‘Mad Men’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

RICHMOND, Virginia –

After John Oliver’s recent expose on Last Week Tonight portrayed tobacco companies as using evil tactics to promote smoking around the world, said companies are reportedly following up with campaigns shamelessly stolen from hit tv series Mad Men.

“Oliver himself gave us the idea,” said Philip Morris CEO Louis Camilleri. “He referred to a commercial of ours as over the top ‘even for Don Draper’.”

Don Draper is the main character in Mad Men, which follows the lives of morally corrupt, chain smoking, womanizing, misogynistic advertising execs in the early sixties. He is an expert at finding new ways to manipulate viewers into buying products, even when conventional wisdom or emerging health hazards are making them difficult to market.

“Mad Men portrays a very accurate picture of what we do,” said a source at advertising giants, Omnicom Group, on condition of anonymity. “There’s no honesty and integrity in this industry and that’s how we like it. It’s still an old boys club, because we’re the ones who have insight into people’s wants and desires. And we smoke because we know that the health claims are overblown. We couldn’t function any other way.”

Expected campaigns include one which portrays smoking as a manly activity that is done in spite of the danger, another that shows how women can impress their men by smoking with them, and a third which explains how the smell of a cigarrette can cover up the scent of adultery.

Major critics have blasted the “amoral behavior of this murderous industry” but admit, regardless, that they “wish [they] had those guys balls.” After having previewed examples of the upcoming campaigns, they realized that they could actually achieve that, by smoking an assortment of tobacco products.

Taco Bell To Begin Serving Alcohol From Midnight To 2:00 AM At Participating Locations

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

IRVINE, California –

CEO of Taco Bell, Brian Niccol announced earlier today that the franchise will begin offering cold, alcoholic beverages to customers 21 years of age and older between the hours of 12:00 midnight – 2:00 AM in drive-thrus at participating locations.

The announcement marks an unprecedented marketing strategy in the world of fast food giants. “We at Taco Bell know that a good majority of Taco Bell craving customers between the hours of midnight and 2:00 AM are indeed bar-hopping twenty-and thirty-something year-old alcohol consuming citizens who want a quick bite during drinking sessions,” Niccol said. “Available May 1, 2015, Taco Bell will begin offering Budweiser and Bud Light beer, as well as frozen margaritas. We are very excited about this long over-due venture.”

Many college going co-eds and hipsters are very intrigued about the news. However, members of M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) are outraged at the announcement, and are asking the American public to boycott the franchise. Mary Jane Weedman, one of M.A.D.D.’s most recognized spokeswomen in Denver, Colorado, says that alcohol should never be offered in any drive-thru location.

“This is simply not a very well thought out plan, we could understand offering customers good quality marijuana, but not ice cold beer and margaritas, this is totally unacceptable,” Weedman said.

Blake Mitchell, a freshman at Colorado State University disagrees. “Dude, I think it is totally legit!” the aspiring hip-hop artist stated. “I mean like, sometimes when you are trying to maintain that buzz and have to go grab a bite to eat, it is totally inconvenient, you know what I’m saying? This way we can grab a cold brew and a few chalupas and be on our way. I paid good money for a fake I.D., so I’m like stoked!” Mitchell said. “Plus, I heard Taco Bell is also going to have some, like, gooey Cap ‘N’ Crunch dessert balls thing, so they are definitely going to be getting a lot more of my money from now on.”

Muslim Man Creating Long Lines At TSA Security Check Must be a Member of ISIS

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK, New York –

Reports emerging from one of the queues at JFK Airport suggest that the Muslim man responsible for the current delay must be a member of ISIS. Although no weapons, flags, or other indications of allegiance to a terror cell can be seen on him, he is being searched for the third time, with contents of his hand luggage being laid out on the desk after passing through the scanner with no clear problems.

“I’m almost certain I’ve seen his face before,” says Angela Mason, 45. “He must have been on the news or something. That big beard and turban do not cry innocence.”

Other commuters are less certain, but all acquiesce that he must prove his loyalty to America before he is allowed on their flight.

“I’m not saying he’s a terrorist or anything,” says businessman Wayne Parnell, 53. “But would you be comfortable sitting next to him on a plane? Nope, didn’t think so.”

Sources insist it’s only a matter of time before ISIS or another Islamic extremist group claims responsibility for the delay.

“Frankly, I’m surprised we haven’t heard anything from them as yet,” political analyst, Steven Rockstead. “Usually they’re quick to jump on the bandwagon, to increase their publicity and try to display their power. Here, however, no videos admitting guilt have been released online, which may just mean that this obvious terrorist must have something else lined up.”

As of press time, officials are allowing the ISIS member to board the plane, although without his shoes, turban, robe or underwear, where he may have been hiding some undetected weapon. His beard and hair have all been shaved off as well, in case he could be carrying a tiny knife in there.

8 Things You Already Know About Next Year’s Oscar Host

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California –

This year’s Oscars may have come and gone, but already the Academy is preparing for their next major showcase. And while you have heard trivia about 2015 host, Neil Patrick Harris, there are also things you may already know about next year’s host. Here are our top eight:

It won’t be Neil Patrick Harris. The Oscars have never had the same host two years in a row, so chances are slim that NPH will get a second go at presenting the show he so badly butchered.
It won’t be NPH’s husband, David Burtka. David Burtka is not famous enough to host the Oscars, and we can be pretty sure he won’t be in the limelight in February 2016.
S/he is not married to David Burtka. David Burtka’s husband is NPH, and NPH is not the 2016 Oscars host. The 2016 host is therefore not currently married to Burtka.
S/he did not play the iconic character of Barney Stinson in sitcom How I Met Your Mother. After finding out that Neil Patrick Harris played that character throughout all eight seasons, we now know that next year’s Oscars host did not.
S/he is not known for the catchphrase “Legen-wait-for-it-dary”. That was Barney Stinson’s catchphrase, and NPH played that role.
His/her first major role was not as child doctor Doogie Howser, M. D. That plaudit goes to NPH, and not next year’s Oscars host.
His/her parents are not Sheila and Ronald Gene Harris. Those are NPH’s parents, and he does not have famous siblings.
S/he will not be the worst presenter in the history of the Academy Awards. That title will likely belong to NPH for the foreseeable future.

These are the most significant attributes that you need to know about the host of next year’s Oscars. Are there any we left out? Leave your suggestions in the comments below.

Michael Keaton Only Now Realizing That ‘Birdman’ is Based on his Own Life

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Birdman star Michael Keaton is only now realizing that his character, for which he was nominated for an Oscar, was in part based on his own life. Keaton plays Riggan Thomson, an actor best-known for his once iconic role as the lead man in the Birdman franchise. Since then, however, Thomson’s career has faulted, and he is portrayed in the 2014 film as attempting to recapture his former fame by acting, directing, and producing a major theater production.

The acclaimed box-office hit loosely mirrors Keaton’s own career, having peaked in the 80’s and 90’s when he played the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman, in Batman and Batman Returns. His later roles were in films of various levels of success which never came close to reaching the stardom he gained from playing of the reclusive superhero.

“I realized that Birdman sounds sorta like Batman,” Keaton said. “But I didn’t put two and two together. I thought it was just a coincidence – that [director] Alejandro [González Iñárritu] had contacted me because he was a fan of my work and adaptability. I should have known, I guess, that roles in Cars and Robocop weren’t enough to bring my career back to the heights it once reached.”

Iñárritu, for his part, told reporters that he hadn’t considered the need to tell Keaton about the connection, and had assumed he had caught on when he agreed to take the meta acting part.

“Why else would I have called Michael Keaton?” he said, somewhat bemused. “It’s not like he’s been at the top of everyone’s minds for the past 20 odd years. When he expressed doubt over whether he could realistically play the role of a former iconic superhero, I assumed he was messing around. I said to him, ‘I see. This part doesn’t reflect your own life in any way at all.’ We laughed, but obviously he only pretended to get the joke.”

Keaton is reportedly preparing to go through the same existential crisis that character Riggan Thomson faces throughout the entire film.

‘50 Shades’ Actor Jamie Dornan Cast in Exciting New Film Role

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

Following the Box Office success of recent release, Fifty Shades of Grey, leading man Jamie Dornan has been cast in what he is calling an ‘exciting new role’. The Irish actor has gained prominence from his portrayal of Christian Grey, and he attributes the success for his casting in his next challenge, a film that has been tentatively titled Fifty Shades Freed.

“Personally, I’m really proud,” Dornan said in an interview with celebrity gossip magazine, Heat. “Getting to play Christian Grey was a dream come true, and it was exhilarating and sometimes frightening to have to widen my range of acting abilities. This new role should be even more thrilling.”

The character he will be playing is not yet finalized, but Dornan believes it to be that of a “domineering, sexually driven man. He is a wealthy entrepreneur, who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.”

These characteristics will bring out the best of Dornan’s skills.

“I think I can do it; I think I can be that man. Usually I’m quite reserved, and I have too much respect for women to try and dominate, but with a bit of effort I can put myself in his shoes. Fifty Shades of Grey was a challenge in a very different way, but it’s given me the belief and confidence to get out there and take chances with my parts, to audition for movies I never would have in the past.”

For this new role, however, Jamie says he did not have to audition.

“Sam [Taylor-Johnson, director of Fifty Shades of Grey] called me and simply told me to come in for rehearsals and have a look at the script. He didn’t ask or anything, just assumed that I was willing and capable to take on such a tough role. His confidence in me is really touching.”

Heat has since found out that Dornan’s costar in Fifty Shades of Grey, Dakota Johnson, will also be appearing in this exciting new project.

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Business magnate and celebrity, Donald Trump, is in the process of donating nearly all of his wealth to cancer research. The billionaire’s estate is known to be associated with many charity organizations, but Trump seems to have a personal sympathy for this cause.

“It’s long been his dream to find a cure for cancer,” said daughter Ivanka. “He cares so much for all those poor, hideous people going through the rigors of chemotherapy.”

Other, more cynical commentators have however shed doubt on the purity of his actions. One of the major critics is son, Donald Jr.

“Dad would never give his money away for no reason,” young Donald said. “He has some sort of smart business plan, that’s going to make me… I mean him… lots more money. He has to, doesn’t he?”

Much of the conservative community has agreed with Trump Jr. Their argument is that “Donald typifies the ideal capitalist. He ruthlessly makes as much money as possible, uses it philanthropically when it will serve to make him more money, and never gives anything away for free. He embodies the values on which America was founded. If you give people handouts, they’ll never learn to take care of themselves. Cancer patients are no exception. It’s because of all the charity they get from liberals that you never see the dying victims themselves sitting in labs researching. They’re so entitled already.”

Trump, however, is not budging on the insistence of his pure motives.

“This is charity, plain and simple,” he announced at the American Association for Cancer Research (AARC) annual fundraiser. “All I want is for our esteemed biologists and doctors to come up with a way to relieve the torments of cancer. Especially the hair loss factor, and the pasty white skin. If they can just find a way to cure those symptoms, a lot of people’s lives will be vastly improved. I know mine will.”

New Series of ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things’ to Portray Children Accusing Bill Cosby of Rape

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

CBS has announced that it is bringing back the popular 90s series, Kids Say the Darndest Things, which will portray children accusing host Bill Cosby of rape. The network explained that the charges of sexual assault which have brought Cosby back into the limelight, have increased demand of a return to the nostalgic favorite.

“During the three seasons of Kids, we got to hear the craziest and cutest things being said,” CBS executive Kevin Heller stated at a press conference. “I still laugh at that iconic line, ‘Sometimes you just need to take a nap and get over it.’ And I think it will be rivalled by an eight year old girl who says in the new season, ‘You hurt me when you did that thing to my privates.’”

Not everyone has received the news positively. Critics from RogerEbert.com have called the development nothing more than a publicity stunt.

“Yes, we all want to see Kids Say the Darndest Things return to our screens,” one wrote. “But the circumstances under which it’s been developed. Bill has found fame again with those rape charges, and now he wants to advance it by bringing children into the picture too. It’s shameless, the way a former great is now desperate for ratings.”

The director for the new season, Steven Howard, dismissed those claims, saying that the show will “speak for itself”.

“It’s set to be the series of the year. There are just such great conversations that have been recorded so far. Here’s a sneak preview, quoted verbatim from the first episode.”

Cosby: Hi Greta. How old are you?

Greta: I was five when you stole my virginity.

Cosby: Hehehe, that’s so darn cute. And what is your favorite thing in the world?

Greta: There is no joy in my life any more.

Cosby: And why would you say that, young girl?

Greta: It’s because you raped me, tainting my childhood and ruining my future sex life.

Cosby: Hehehe, this five year old girl says the darndest things!