Man Who had Birthday During Facebook Outage Wins Thousands of ‘Likes’ in Lawsuit

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MENLO PARK, California –

Tuesday’s Facebook outage was tough for its hundreds of millions of users around the globe, but for Detroit resident Peter Ferguson, it took more of a toll – at least according to the judge that awarded him thousands of ‘Likes’ in a groundbreaking lawsuit.

Ferguson, whose birthday was on the day of the outage, sued the social media giant, claiming that they’d ruined the only day on which his life seemed to matter to the outside world.

“I know it’s not all that it’s made out to be,” he told reporters. “I know that most people don’t even visit my profile to send their messages, and that some of them don’t even remember who I am. But that’s all I got. At least they’re getting that little red notification that puts me momentarily at the center of their attention. That’s all a guy like me could ask for.”

The court agreed, ordering Facebook to grant at least ten thousand ‘Likes’ to Ferguson’s next post – whether it’s a warped political opinion, or a video homage to his pet cat, Brock. They further ordered Facebook CEO and owner, Mark Zuckerberg, to personally comment on every status or shared media that the broken man posts over the next month, making up for the ruination of what was meant to be a very special birthday.

Legal experts around the world hailed the outcome as a victory for the common man against growing tech corporations.

“More and more, we’re seeing these companies taking advantage of the average citizen’s personal life,” said advocate Jerry Greenfield, talking on Fox News and Friends. “They think there’ll be no consequences to a move like this, taking away our most poignant means of connection. But now they know what happens when I don’t get to show off dinner to those undomesticated Philistines I call my friends.”

In response to the legal debacle, Facebook posted an update to its terms of use, stating that unplanned downtime will now be considered a feature, rather than an inconvenience – adding the thrill of uncertainty to its usually flawless usage. At the time of writing, Facebook executives reported that so far 73% of users have agreed to the new conditions without reading them.

Supreme Court Finds ‘Happy Endings’ To Be Legitimate Massage Procedure

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supreme Court case of Ming’s House of Pleasure v. The state of Maine has ruled in favor of Ming’s in a shocking 7-3 vote. The Supreme Court of The United States has ruled that “happy endings” can be considered a legitimate massage procedure, and in no way should be considered prostitution.

”This case has been a court favorite for a while now,” said Court reporter Luis DeJesus. “The Justices asked to hear testimony from all 15 of Ming’s massage therapists. The early goings of the case did not look good for Ming, but the turning point of the case came when Ming offered the justices each a free massage.”

“The day of the free massage was the only time I ever saw Ruth smile,” said Ruth Ginsburg aide Sarah Nicole. ”I knew the men would enjoy it, but who knew the old girl was a freak?”

“The happy ending was a real pleasure,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. “I had my reservations, but once I experienced it, I had a change of heart. I can see how it’s the perfect ending to a relaxing massage. To think this was considered prostitution is outrageous. Now that I’ve experienced it, I can’t think of anything more natural than a good ol’ fashioned to finish off a good deep tissue massage.”

“Well, it’s about time those old bastards finally got something right,” said frequent Ming’s patron Carmine Classi. ”Now my wife can’t give me hell when I go to Chinatown for a little release. Shit, now that it’s legal and I don’t have to worry about the cops busting in, I’ll probably go 3 or 4 times a week instead of my usual 2.”

‘The Simpsons’ Creator Says Show Is Nearing Expiration Date, Major Changes To Come

Posted on January 29, 2015 by thebluntman

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Virtually everyone in America has been exposed to The Simpsons at some point in their lives, whether young or old. It is no surprise, since the half-hour show has been broadcast for over 25 years. It is only common sense that any television series run for such an extensive length of time will ultimately run out of ideas, which is quickly becoming reality for the show.

Matt Groening, creator of the dysfunctional family, agrees that the episodes are degrading as time goes on. “What I’m beginning to be concerned with is the fact that the quality of our episodes are suffering,” Groening said. “I honestly think Season 30 will be the last for the Simpson family, if I can even make the series last that long. The episode ideas are becoming harder to write by now. I mean hell, do you think we would have ever done a Family Guy crossover episode 10 or 15 years ago? Get real.”

Series executive producer Al Jean weighed in with his opinion. “I don’t really want the show to end, but if Matt thinks Season 30 will be a good stopping point, then I’m with him on his decision. Our ratings on the show have decreased from an average of nearly 28 million viewers in Season 1, to a meager average of 5 million viewers in Season 25. I’d like to go out with relatively good ratings rather than be the executive producer for a repetitive piece of crap,” Jean said.

For the final few years, Groening does have some ideas. “For the remainder of time the show has, I would like to provide a change in wardrobe to see how people react. I know the change won’t be widely accepted, but honestly it’s time for them to change their clothes,” Groening said. “I would also like to have the Simpson kids age, if only by one year. It would be interesting to have them experience things that come with growing older than 8 and 10. We can get new actors to voice older characters, too. Really shake things up”

Lifelong Simpsons fan Roger Allison posted his thoughts on Facebook. “The Simpsons have gone from a small production 25 years ago, to a worldwide phenomenon. If the series ends, I don’t want to see what will happen. People will riot and things can get ugly really easily,” Allison’s post read. Later on in his rant, he remarked, “I swear, if they change the wardrobe that has been consistent except for a few rare occasions, I will absolutely go crazy. Homer’s white shirt and blue pants are a symbol of a lazy American slob, and should stay that way. I didn’t get that image tattooed on my arm for them to go and change it now.”

Man Faces Jail Time After Hanging Obama Prop From Tree In Front Yard

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CARYVILLE, Tenneesee –

A Caryville, Tenneesee man is in hot water after hanging a life-size look-alike prop of President Barack Obama from a tree in his front yard.

Clyde Harrison Jones, 58, faces several charges including threatening the life of the President of the United States and various hate crimes. Jones was arrested by FBI agents after being informed of the incident by the Caryville Police Department. Caryville police had received several complaints from neighbors and passers-by for over a month, and had done apparently nothing to resolve the issue. Caryville police chief, Gary Monroe, said that he did not know what to do about the issue.

“Well hell, I just didn’t know how to approach Mr. Jones about it. He is a damn good friend of mine. What was I supposed to do? Ask him to take it down? I thought it was pretty damn funny really,” Monroe said. “This is supposed to be a free country, and as long as you keep your mouth shut, you should be able to do anything you want. I mean shit. So, I called the FBI and asked for advice, I told them he had hung a fake body that looked like the President from a tree, and you would have thought he actually did hang the president the way they stormed into town.”

The FBI says that the dummy, which was wearing a Halloween mask, intentionally resembled the likeness of the president, which can be taken as a threat not covered by free speech. Jones says he meant no harm by what he called “a prank,” and hopes that the case will be dismissed.

“I don’t hate the president – well, I don’t hate him because he’s black. For crying out loud, it’s not a hate crime,” said Jones. “Hell, it’s not a crime at all. But they’re all saying it’s a threat on his life. Phooey. If I was threatening his life, I’d buy a rifle and a book depository or something, not hang a dummy in my tree.”

Jones faces a possibility of several months in jail and a $10,000 fine.

Justin Timberlake Sells His Shares of MySpace For One Dollar To Unsuspecting Fan

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Singer, songwriter, and actor Justin Timberlake, who was a co-owner of Myspace, reportedly sold his shares of the company to a fan for one dollar yesterday afternoon.

The 33-year-old Timberlake said in a statement from his publicist Michelle Hendrickson, that he no longer felt that Mypsace was developing the cause for which he signed up for.

“Mr. Timberlake would like to thank all of his fans for support in his venture with Myspace, but he felt that his goal of bridging the gap between artists and fans was not being achieved,” Hendrickson said.

Myspace has steadily declined in popularity since Facebook has taken over social media in the United States, and every year the number of Myspace users has dropped off signifcantly. Timberlake bought into the company with hopes of reviving the once upon a time king of all social media.

“Justin feels that he let a lot of people down, and just wanted to get out from under this thing, so he decided to take a loss and sold his share of the company to a fan for whom he was signing an autograph for. He casually asked the fan if she wanted to buy his share of Myspace for a dollar, she laughed, and said yes. And Mr. Timberlake then set up a meeting with the fan and lawyers to make the deal. And the deal was made,” Hendrickson said. “To be quite honest, Justin is glad to wash his hands of Myspace. I mean, did you know that Myspace was even still around? If you think Google Plus is a ghost town, you should try logging into your old Myspace page someday. It’s like a relic or a time capsule or something.”

Timberlake’s share of the company was worth $15 million, according to financial experts, making the the new unknown owner the luckiest Timberlake fan of all time.

Division One Athletes To Begin Receiving Annual Salary Based On School’s Revenue

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The National Collegiate Athletic Association has announced an unprecedented change to its rules, when the organization officially announced today that all division one athletes will be paid a salary based on the revenue created by their respected sports and schools.

The NCAA Labor Revenue Act (NCAA-LRA) will go into effect January 1, 2016. This is huge news for college athletes involved with the top college programs in their sport. For example, basketball players for the University of Kentucky could bring home as much as $50,000 for one season of basketball, according to NCAA-LRA Chairman Bob O’Dell.

“We believe this is a fair arrangement. The top programs, such as Ohio State, Alabama, Kentucky, Louisville, Oregon, and Notre Dame, just to name a few, bring in millions of dollars in revenue every single year based on the performance of their sports programs. This is a new age, and we must give back to the student-athletes what they put in,” O’Dell said.

Many division-1 athletes have fought for years with the belief that they should see some of the money that they help bring in to their respective schools. The University of Louisville basketball program, which is endorsed by ADIDAS, has been the number-one revenue earner for college basketball for several years running. The money earned by the program went straight to the university, used for whatever use it deemed necessary.

Kentucky head coach John Calipari says that it is about time. “We have technically been paying these kids out of our pocket for several years. We appreciate the fact that our boosters and alumni have made sure our basketball players have been driving around in nice cars and sporting bling, but the university itself should have to pay also,” Calipari said. “They make millions, and it’s time they shared the wealth.

Man Arrested For Assault After Filming Sex Acts With Stuffed Animals

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BROOKLYN, New York –

Theodore Ruxpin of Brooklyn, New York, was arrested by detectives of the New York Police Department’s Special Victims Unit after posting a video of himself having sex with his daughter’s stuffed animals.

NYPD spokesperson Juanita Cruz said that Ruxpin videotaped himself having sex with five different stuffed animals, and sent the video to several friends via email. One of the friends reportedly sent the video to police. New York state law says that any sexual act committed on a stuffed animal marketed toward children is strictly prohibited, and that offenders are to be charged with rape.

“The stuffed animals which Mr. Ruxpin sexually assaulted in the videos included a Hug-N-Oink Peppa Pig, a Let’s Imagine Elmo, a Tickled-Pink Minnie Mouse, a Puppy Surprise beagle, and a Disney Princesses Elsa plush from the movie Frozen,” Cruz announced. “The last of which was the most erotically disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in all my years on the force.”

“In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous,” said Detective Olivia Benson, of the NYPD Special Victims crime unit. “This is not something to be taken lightly, and here in the state of New York, we seek out those who are sick and twisted enough to commit these crimes, and bring them before the court of law. We will not tolerate sexual misconduct by any means, especially when the victim is totally incapable of consent, such as in the case of Peppa Pig, Minnie Mouse, and the others.”

Ruxpin is currently being held on $10,000 bail and faces up to 5 years for each object sexually assaulted, which adds up to a possible 25-year sentence in prison.

Facebook Announces Plans To Start Charging Users For Likes, Shares

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Abe Abrams

MENLO PARK, California –

CEO Mark Zuckerberg made an official announcement this morning, outlining the plans for Facebook’s new business model. According to reports, Facebook will start to charge for ‘Likes’ and ‘Shares’ in an effort to increase their already massive revenue.

“I know people aren’t going to like it at first, but I owe it to shareholders to keep increasing profits,” said Zuckerberg. ”Charging for users to Like and Share is just the next obvious step in the progression of the company. The good news is, that with a billion active users, we don’t have to charge a lot to make a lot. We are planning, currently, on 2 cents to Like something, and 5 cents to share. These numbers should more than double our revenue. Coming in the next several weeks, all users will see a notification, asking them to link a PayPal or Google Wallet account to their Facebook page.”

“We always said the service would remain free – but we never said anything about the separate things you can do with the service. But, just think how much more special you will feel when someone likes that stupid picture you posted of your dinner last night, knowing that it cost them a couple cents,” said the head of product development for Facebook, Joey Goldsmith. “Or maybe you made a witty comment, probably something you stole from Workaholics, but your buddy Joe shares it. That share just cost him a nickel, so it’s now obvious – You’re the man!”

“I tend to like lots of comments, including my own, each day,” said Facebook user Jorge Pell. “I don’t think being charged will slow me down, liking comments is what I’m about, a few bucks a day won’t get me to change my online lifestyle.”

“Personally, I love sharing funny animal videos – my friends call me ‘the funny animal video lady’,” said Debbie Ranch, who has had a Facebook page for just over 6 months. ”Sharing funny animal videos is my life, and it makes me feel good, so no amount of money will ever get me to stop.”

If the product continues to thrive, Zuckerberg says that next year, users can expect to pay 10 cents to leave comments on posts, and 15 to 25 cents for Facebook game privileges.

Homeless Man Caught Sleeping In Family’s Basement, Admits to Cops He’d Been There For 10 Years

Posted on January 28, 2015 by JP

LAREDO, Texas –

A family was in shock to find a homeless man sleeping in the basement of their Laredo, Texas home late Tuesday night. The man, who has been identified by police as Carl Noon, is being charged with breaking and entering along with other minor offenses.

Homeowner Tim Henry says that he and his family have lived in the house for about 14 years. “I tell you, finding that man sleeping in his basement was enough to scare the hell out of me, but when I found out later that he told police that he’d been living down there for over 10 years, I nearly passed out.”

“Well, I mean, I did hear noises downstairs a lot, but I always thought it was the dryer or heater kicking on,” said Tim’s wife, Julie. “Tim said that it was nothing. He put some mouse traps down there, but really it wasn’t ever that concerning. This is just too much to believe.”

Police are continuing to question Noon to see if he had actually been staying there for as long as he says he had. So far, they say there is no evidence to dispute in him making this claim.

“He has no reason to lie about it,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Laredo Police Department. “I’ve heard of this kind of thing before. They call it ‘frogging,’ I believe, which is a more insane version of ‘squatting,’ where you move into an abandoned or empty home. ‘Frogging’ is where people will sneak into your house and live, secretly, with you and your family.”

Noon told officers he thought the house was empty, originally, as at the time the Henry family had been on vacation. When they returned, he says he planned on leaving, but when no one noticed he was there, he just stayed. After only a short time, he become aware of the family’s schedule, and would shower an eat while they were at work and school.

“I always thought that someone had been eating my cookies and milk,” said Tim Henry. “I punished the kids so many times, thinking they were lying about it. Guess I owe them an apology!”

If convicted, Noon faces 6 months to 1 year in jail.

Food Study Shows Papa John’s Pizza Crust, Boxes Have Identical Ingredients

Posted on January 28, 2015 by JP

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Papa John’s is known for its fast, cheap, and convenient pizza, and it’s obnoxious commercials that always prominently feature owner and founder John Schnatter. The company has been all over the media in recent years, facing controversy over poor wages and their stance on healthcare for employees.

Although the media scrutiny has worn off in the last several months, it looks as though it’s set to rise again. After a recent food study, performed by world-renowned doctors and scientists, it was discovered that Papa John’s pizza and take-out boxes are made from the same ingredients.

During a test on their sauces, cheese, and dough, scientists found that the company has been cutting corners by using recycled pizza boxes as a base for their product. The scientists were initially hired by Papa John’s, working with the company to help create a new pizza dough recipe.

Dr. Tom Matosaus claims that when bringing up the problem to CEO John Schnatter, he denied all claims. “He’s in some serious denial, I tell you. He went on and on about how their company had the best pizza crust in the entire nation, and if they didn’t, he wouldn’t be worth over half a billion dollars. He talked a lot about money, actually. Way more than he talked about pizza.”

“To be honest, it’s not going to hurt you to eat their pizza,” said scientist Dr. Moe Zarella. “Just because the founder is a little on the annoying side, and just because their pizza is made out of the same things as their carryout boxes, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a good slice once in awhile!”

Neither Schnatter nor any company representatives have yet to comment on the controversy, but they are urging customers to try their new pizza deal.

“Only 11.99 for a large specialty pizza, delivered right to your door!” said Schnatter. “Ignore the naysayers. You love our pizza. Just listen to your Papa. Mmmm, it’s delicious!”