Microsoft Founder Bill Gates ‘Comes Out’ As Homosexual

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

At the end of October, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in an interview that he was homosexual, and that he felt that being gay was the ‘greatest gift God had given [him.]’ The acknowledgment made Cook the first CEO of a Fortune 500 company to ever ‘come out’ publicly as homosexual. Not to be outdone by Apple, Microsoft founder and former CEO Bill Gates announced today that he, too, was gay.

“Yes, I’ve been married for many years, and I’ve got a great, loving family,” said Gates. “But in reality, I’m gay. I’m actually extra, super gay. I’m at least twice as gay as Tim, and God gave me this gift first, I just didn’t want to brag about it. Yup – gay gay gay.”

The announcement came as no shock to Gates’ family, who said that over the years he had always been driven to be better than his competitors, no matter what the topic at hand.

“Bill has always wanted to be the best. If he couldn’t be the best, he borrowed from the best, bought out the best, or just stole from the best – and then improved on it,” said wife Melinda Gates. “I think that’s what he’s doing here, with this whole ‘coming out’ thing, and announcing his ‘extra gayness.’ Tim [Cook] is a friend and a colleague in the industry, but Bill can’t let anyone beat him at anything, no matter what. I support him, regardless.”

“Right now, I’m actually discussing options for changing the name of the XBox systems to something else, because ‘box’ is slang for women’s genitalia, and I’m just so gay that I don’t even want to think about that,” said Gates. “Personally, I’m leaning towards calling it the XBoner, but we might just call the console ‘GayPenisGayGayGay.’ I think it will work either way. Marketing and development are working on going over the changes as we speak. Gay!”

Reportedly, Gates is spending several million dollars to have his mansion painted in hues of pink and purple, as well as installing Greek marble statues of naked men throughout the grounds, just to prove how much ‘more homosexual’ he is than Cook.

Flatulent Airline Passenger Forces Emergency Landing

Posted on November 6, 2014 by DvanL

QUEENS, New York –

A Cincinnati, Ohio bound Delta Airlines flight, originating from New York’s LaGuardia Airport, was forced to make an emergency landing this morning, after a ‘violent episode’ occurred moments after takeoff.

The event was officially classified as ‘environmentally hazardous and life threatening’ by an on-board federal air marshal, who filed the following incident report:

A passenger seated near the rear end of the aircraft experienced an intensely violent episode of flatulence as the plane gained altitude. Oxygen masks were deployed and passengers throughout the cabin began to panic. It was determined that the best course of action would be diversion of [the] flight to the nearest airfield for an emergency landing. JFK International was contacted, clearance obtained, and emergency landing took place at 10:42 a.m.

Passenger Mark Theissen, seated behind the offending passenger, provided details.

“The woman in front of me started bouncing up and down right after we took off. I leaned forward and asked her if she was okay, and she said something about ‘her condition.’ The next thing I knew, there was this foul odor and all the masks came down. She turned back to tell me something but her seat snapped back and slammed me in the head. My eyes started burning and I blacked out.”

“People were jumping over their chairs to escape,” said flight attendant Becky Constantine. “My senior attendant went back to make people calm down, but she got stomped in the face! I hid up in the overhead ’til we hit the ground. Delta-Schmelta, I quit!” she said. “I’m going back to my job at Subway where it’s safe.”

The identity of the passenger was determined after the passenger manifest was released to the press. Former showgirl Cyprienne O’Malley, 70, was fingered as the woman responsible for the unfortunate incident.

Doctors call O’Malley’s disorder Gastric Abdominal Systemic Pancolitis (GASP). “GASP makes an already bad situation worse,” says Dr. Paul Hazelton, of New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital. “A sudden change in air pressure causes rapid release, and the path of least resistance is always the anus. The bunghole is Mother Nature’s little whistle-blower.”

“Many people suffer from this disorder, and to hide it is to deny it. I attend a support group called ‘Silence Is Deadly.’ It’s a place where we can all come together and air out our grievances,” said O’Malley. “This whole thing really blew up in my face. If I could take it all back, I would. Next month I’m going to attend the GASP National Convention in Pottstown, but I’m going to take the train.”

No charges were filed against O’Malley, but the airline is asking that she compensates them for damages, and donates an undisclosed amount toward the injured flight attendant’s hospital bills.

Amtrak officials have been notified of O’Malley’s upcoming travel plans.

Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

LOS ANGELES, California –

Amid speculation that Oprah Winfrey is sporting a conspicuous baby bump, the queen of media announced this morning that she will be giving birth to a baby girl. Winfrey turned 60 years old this year.

Sources close to Winfrey say she is thrilled, and can’t wait for the surgery to have the bundle of joy excised in a minimally invasive surgery to take place in February. “I wish I could move the appointment to tomorrow, but I’m afraid she’ll show up without taste buds and eyelashes, or missing several fingers or something,” The Big O gushed in a recent interview.

Stedman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend since 1986, is reportedly not the father, as the pair were way too old to get pregnant naturally. Curiously, instead of the couple claiming the baby together as parents, Oprah has decided instead to name life-long best friend Gayle King as the baby’s father for ‘public purposes.’ On being a new father, King reportedly stated, “I never wanted children myself, but if it makes Oprah happy, it’s all worth it! And being baby-daddy to a billionaire’s kid doesn’t hurt either!”

As excited as she is to become a parent and have someone to pass her extreme wealth onto after she passes, it’s well-documented that at Oprah’s advanced age, risks of possible complications for both the mother and unborn child are significant.

According to Dr. Jan Foster, M.D., an obstetrician who did not treat Oprah; “I personally would advise her that she is exceptionally vulnerable to complications that can lead to preeclampsia, a potentially fatal condition. Plus the child could develop a learning disability, blindness, or worse.”

But the once daytime TV giant’s determination is unshakable.

“I look better than I did in the 80s, and I’m pretty sure my uterus does too. I may be 60, but I feel like a million dollars. Hell, I feel like 3 billion dollars – and I would know exactly what that feels like, too! Now – you get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!” Said Oprah, casually handing away Lexus sedans to anyone standing near her. “This is just the happiest I’ve ever been in my life!”

When asked if a name had been chosen, Winfrey replied, beaming, “I’ll either name her after my Grandmother Hattie Mae, or Harpo after my production company. Hattie Mae is a little old-fashioned, so I think Harpo might be the way to go!”

We reached out to Oprah’s long-time friend and mentor, writer Maya Angelou for comment, but a rep for the author stated that she was ‘dead,’ and as such was unavailable.

ESPN Announces All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball To Air In 2015

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Abe Abrams

MIAMI, Florida –

In a change that most men say they are very excited to see, ESPN has announced this morning that they will begin coverage of an all-nude women’s volleyball league starting in 2015. The action will take place on a new ESPN pay-per-view channel starting next June, with matches costing $39.95 each.

“ESPN realizes that ratings for beach volleyball peak every four years during the summer Olympics, and lets face it, the only reason people watch is to see girls from Brazil and the Ukraine in skimpy bikinis,” said ESPN announcer Kurt Kramer. “It’s safe to say Americans don’t even consider beach volleyball a real sport. It’s just T&A. In an effort to give viewers want they want, and to increase revenue for the network, of course, in 2015 we will air the All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball. Some of the biggest names in the sport have already signed on, and are looking forward to showing the world their skills and assets.”

”This is an outrage. Women already have to put up with sexist comments coming from the fans all the time. I don’t think I have ever been at an event without a ‘Nip Slip’ chant coming from the animals in the stands,” said Jane Jensen, 2012 volleyball silver medalist. “I for one will be sitting out the 2015 season in protest, and I am disappointed that many of my fellow American Olympians have been signing up – although I was not surprised to hear the Ukraine sluts were raring to go.”

“This is great! Women’s beach volleyball may become bigger than football,” said Mark Miller, an avid sports fan and ESPN viewer. ”Let’s face it – women’s sports are a joke, but this is a game changer. I would even watch women’s golf if they were nude. I don’t care that it’s on pay-per-view at forty bucks a pop, I’ll watch the shit out of volleyball now. I can’t wait for the season to start. The U.S. girls tend to be flat chested, so right now I would think the Brazil and Ukraine teams will have the upper hand in the games.”

When informed that the size of their breasts had nothing to do with the scoring during the matches, Miller went on to say “Yeah, whatever. Tittays, FTW!”

Colorado Residents Vote To Legalize Prostitution Throughout The State

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BOULDER, Colorado –

The people of Colorado overwhelmingly passed amendment P-69, better known as the ‘Freedom To Work Act’, yesterday afternoon in state voting. The little known amendment had not seen much press, and the politicians that sponsored the amendment have no idea how it got on the ballot.

“Potter and I wrote the amendment at a bachelor party as a joke, we were both pretty drunk and at the time and it was getting annoying proving to the girls we weren’t cops,” said Rep. Brian Brown. “Apparently, though, the people have spoken – or in this case voted, and amendment P-69 has legalized prostitution in the great state of Colorado. The only two possibilities are the name of the amendment was deceiving and people had no idea what they were voting for, or 87% of Coloradan’s are in favor or prostitution. This is why I urged people not to vote stoned.”

It’s going to nice not having to worry about getting arrested anymore. One of my friends is getting t-shirts made that say, ‘I’m a Prostitute – ask for prices!'” said working girl Havana Humphrey. “Me, I’m going to set up a business in my house, it will be just like a doctor’s office with a waiting room and magazines, except instead of anal probes and cancer screenings, we’ll give blowjobs. Actually, on second thought, we’ll give anal probes, too. That costs extra though.”

“I had no idea, amendment P-69 sounded good, I mean ‘freedom,’ ‘work,’ – those are good things, right?” asked Wilma Wilson, an 89-year-old retired nurse.”I had no idea it was about prostitution, this state is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell ya. First the marijuana and now this – what’s next, public nudity? I’m packing up and moving to Florida where people still have some good sense.”

Obama Enjoys D.C. Marijuana Legalization, Smokes Celebratory Blunt

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Voters in many states were able to cast their ballot on the topic of marijuana legalization yesterday, and in two of those elections, the people have spoken. Voters in Oregon and Washington D.C. have elected to allow marijuana use and possession among their citizens.

In Washington D.C., president Barack Obama, who freely admitted to smoking weed in the past, celebrated the news with a tightly rolled blunt and a few words for the people of the United States.

“As the President of the United States, there wouldn’t have been a lot of questioning if I wanted to sit in the Oval Office and rip a mad bong hit,” said Obama. “I didn’t, though, out of respect for the laws of the District, and of those states that had yet to pass laws to deregulate or legalize marijuana. Now that the voters in D.C. have spoken, though, I see no reason not to smoke a joint and relax with some Netflix and Fritos chips.”

Although the voters have spoken, the repealing of the laws actually wouldn’t take effect until signed by state congressional leaders. Residents of several states, including Florida, voted to keep or increase their marijuana laws.

“I don’t understand Florida, if I’m being honest,” said weed-smoking Miami resident John Peele. “I’ve been smoking illegally here for the last 30 years, and the vote for legalization for medical use can’t even been voted in? My God, Florida is 90% old people! They need weed for their cancer, cataracts, and confusion! They need it more than almost any other state in the country!”

“I don’t see marijuana being illegal that much longer,” said Aaron Silver, a D.C. resident who works in the White House. “It’s here in D.C., the backyard of the government, as it were. How long can we really keep throwing people in jail for growing a plant, anyway? Obama doesn’t have much time left in office, but here’s hoping that the ‘Change’ he kept talking about while running is about loosening marijuana laws.”

Fort Lauderdale Law Created To Kill Homeless People Via Starvation

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida –

This past Friday, a new city ordinance in Fort Lauderdale took effect, causing the public handouts of food to homeless to become a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

No sooner had the ordinance become law than city police found it compulsory to cite three men for handing out food to the homeless, including 2 church pastors. All three men, including a 90-year-old Arnold Abbot – who has been feeding the homeless for over 20 years – could face fines of up to $500 each, and 60 days in jail.

“They don’t understand why this law was created, and why we’re just trying to do our jobs,” said Officer Joe Goldsmith of the Fort Lauderdale Police Department. “See, we have a severe homeless population here, and when you feed them, they just keep coming back. Homeless people aren’t any different from feral cats. Once you give them food, more come around, and they never leave. We’ve got to nip that problem in the bud.”

Fort Lauderdale officials say that they created the ordinance specifically to eradicate the homeless problem ‘plaguing’ their city.

“It’s disgusting. I hate homeless people,” said one city council member. “I mean, my God – get a job for crying out loud. The fact that we have so many homeless people here, it’s just mind-boggling. This new ordinance is perfect. Once we start fining these damn do-gooder types who feed the homeless, they’ll stop helping. Once the homeless can’t get food, they’ll either move on to other towns, or they’ll just die off. Either way, problem solved.”

“These people are just down on their luck, and they need a bite to eat and a friendly face,” said Mark Stuart, a resident of Fort Lauderdale who has often brought food to homeless shelters around the city. “This ordinance spits in the face of what everyone knows is right, and that’s helping your fellow-man. No one wants these people, who just need some help, to die.”

“Actually, that’s exactly what we want to happen,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, come on, they’re homeless. A lot of them even have mental illnesses or diseases, for crying out loud. We don’t need that kind of shit ‘uglying up’ our city. Let’s get rid of them, and we can become a nice, happy place once more. This law will just bring more pain to the homeless, and they’ll suffer. It’s great!”

‘Turkey Drought’ Expected To Cause Prices To Skyrocket This Thanksgiving

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An official statement has been released this morning by the Department of Agriculture, confirming that the United States is in the midst of what could only be called a ‘turkey drought.’

According to the spokesperson, the United States receives the majority of its turkeys manufactured for consumption from various states throughout the Midwest. The spokesperson confirmed that turkeys have been dying by the thousands over the last 4 months from a virus that only affects land birds, and has been appropriately dubbed The Foul Flu.

The flu has been claiming the lives of turkeys since late July 2014, however the epidemic has not been brought to the public’s attention until now because the Department of Agriculture did not want to cause a massive panic before the biggest turkey-eating holidays of the year.

“Look, the bottom line is that if your family typically eats turkey for Thanksgiving you may want to plan on foregoing the classic holiday bird this year,” USDA spokesperson Larry Carmichael said in a statement this morning. “Turkey prices are going to skyrocket as the holiday approaches. We’re going to be looking at prices upwards of 7 times higher than what we are used to, so it won’t be out of question to see Butterball Turkeys going for $100 – $120.”

The Department of Agriculture is warning citizens to be highly cautious if they decide to purchase a turkey this month, as they are concerned some unscrupulous stores may decide to sell counterfeit turkeys.

“If the price appears to be too good to be true, it probably is,” said Carmichael.

In response to this morning’s news surrounding the upcoming turkey shortage, the government has released an official statement asking lower-class citizens to just plan on eating chicken this Thanksgiving.

“We can’t make it mandatory that our citizens within the lower tax brackets eat chicken instead of turkey this year, however the reality of the situation is that a with the supply dwindling, a warm turkey dinner is a luxury that should be reserved for the elite, wealthy, and worthy,” said Carmichael. “We plead with our citizens to leave the purchasing of turkeys to those that can comfortably afford it.”

Experts speculate that the classic Thanksgiving turkey dinner should be able to happen again by 2016, once they have eradicated the disease.

38-Year-Old Man Sues Parents, Blames Them For His Small Penis

Posted on November 4, 2014 by JP

DURHAM, North Carolina –

David Jones, age 38, is in a heated court settlement this month and the case is raising eyebrows all over the nation. Jones is currently suing his parents, Mary and Jon Jones, but for something that most would agree they had no control over.

Jones has been in court trying to get a settlement for over a month, and it appears his lawyer is making a good case for him.

Late in September, Jones filed the lawsuit in a Durham court that blamed his parents for his very small penis. His defense is that it has caused him depression, anxiety, and problems finding a girlfriend or wife because of it. At age 10, David had a penis that was only 3 inches when erect, and he has confirmed that it has not grown since.

“I’m tired of this little boy’s penis,” said Jones in his court appearance. “I am ashamed of it. I just want to hide my face in sorrow. That’s why I’m suing my parents and making a giant, public spectacle over it, because I don’t want anyone to know how tiny my penis really is.”

Jones’ parents are in shock over the case, and are pleading to the judge that they had no control over the situation. Their claim is that although they wish that they could have provided David with his desired penis size, like a lot of things David wanted growing up, this is just one more thing they had no control over.

Jones parents have admitted that this is an issue he has been upset about since he was a child, but they continued to tell him that it would grow as he got older.

“He always wanted a bigger penis,” said Jon Jones, 61. “He saw me in the shower once by accident when he was about 7, and I think it’s given him emotional distress ever since. I mean, not to brag, but I’ve got more hose than a nervous fireman. If he’s got a baby penis, then those genes came from his mother’s side, not mine.”

“David’s parents have admitted he complained about his penis size, or lack thereof, non-stop growing up, but they did nothing about it. If he was begging for food and didn’t receive anything to eat, his parents would have behind bars years ago. That is the angle my client is taking, and I can tell that people are starting to see things in a different light,” said Jones’ lawyer Joseph Goldsmith.

If a settlement in the case can be reached, Jones has said he will undergo surgery to increase the size of his penis, both length and girth.

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Littering

Posted on November 4, 2014 by JP

PLANO, Texas –

A man in Plano, Texas is looking at a life sentence in prison after a strange event occurred last September. Barry Lutz, age 34, is behind bars fighting for his freedom after being sentenced to jail for littering.

The events following the littering have currently given Lutz a life sentence, with no possibility of parole. A representative for Lutz is attempting to clear the air for him and change the drastic and unfair sentence handed down by judge Alvin Spenser.

“This is just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in all my years as a lawyer,” said Lutz’s lawyer Miles Jarlin. “This is just a ‘good ol’ boys’ kind of deal, because the incident involved a police officer who happens to play gold with the judge.”

“That insinuation is absurd,” said Judge Spenser. “I just hate littering, and I think the punishment, in this case, fits the crime perfectly. This will serve as a message to every other damn litterbug in the state of Texas.”

According to witness reports, the littering t took place on a local road in Plano, and most of the people say they think that this could have ended in a much brighter outcome.

While walking down his street, Lutz threw a crushed soda can on the ground, and an off duty police officer witnessed it, and demanded he throw it away. Lutz begrudgingly picked up the can and whipped it towards a public trash receptacle nearby. Unfortunately for Lutz, the can didn’t make it to the trash, as the wind took it and sent it flying directly into officer Jason Mills’ eye. The metal from crushed can punctured his retina, and doctors have confirmed that it would be a miracle if the officer ever regains vision in the eye.

While Lutz is claiming he was aiming for he trash to throw away the soda can, the now half-blind police officer testified in court that Lutz was aiming for him the entire time.

Lutz was convicted with assaulting an officer, attempted murder, and littering.