Premature Baby Dies After Parents Try To Put Her Back Inside Mom

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GARDNER, Indiana –

A young couple, Mark and Jessica Grover, both 24, were arrested after they called 911 to report that their baby had died. The couple had given birth at home only a few hours before, and accidentally killed their child after trying to insert her back inside Jessica’s vagina.

“This couple knew that their baby wasn’t due for another 6 weeks, and they panicked, thinking that something was wrong,” said police chief Mario Ruben. “Instead of calling for an ambulance, they tried to push the baby back up inside of the mother, causing severe brain and spinal damage to the baby. Unfortunately, it died before paramedics arrived.”

Chief Reuben says that both parents are being charged with negligent homicide, and that they are still in custody.

“I know that people are having children younger and younger these days, but these parents had been doing everything right – going to their appointments, mom was eating healthy, and the baby just came early, and they didn’t know what to do,” said chief Reuben. “It’s extremely sad that this happened, but a crime was committed none-the-less. Please, if you’re having a baby, do not try to put it back. It’s not a Thanksgiving turkey. They will come when they come, and that’s one oven you can’t put something back into.”

Glacéau SmartWater Plans To Mine Antarctic Ice Caps For Fresh, Colder Water

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

SmartWater, everyone’s favorite overpriced bottled beverage, say that they now have plans to mine into the melting antarctic ice caps so that they can get water that is more fresh, and always ice cold.

“The ice caps in Antarctica are melting, thanks mostly to global warming,” says Glacéau CEO June Hastings. “Because of this, we are able to get up there, and get some of the coldest, most refreshing water on the face of the planet, and it will become our next level of SmartWater brands.”

The company says that they are “overjoyed” with the effects of global warming, because it has led them to be able to get this water that would otherwise be unattainable.

“Currently, you’re paying $2 or $3 a bottle for our product, and it’s basically filtered tap water,” said Hastings. “With this new colder water, which is more expensive to mine, expect for that price to rise substantially, but for it to be totally worth it.”

Pepsi Announces New Version Of Cola With 50-Times Sugar Content Called Pepsibetes

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

PepsiCo, Inc has announced another new product that they plan to launch later this year, following in the footsteps of their 1893 brand, which uses real kola nut in its processing. Now, the company says they plan to launch a version of their original cola that has 50 times more sugar than their original blend.

“Pepsibetes is going to be, essentially, more sugar than anyone should ever consume in one sitting,” said Pepsi spokesman Rick Harris. “It’s delicious, and totally sweet. We have spent years developing this particular recipe in hopes that people will enjoy a new, amazing drink that will really kickstart your day.”

The caffeine content of the soda is expected to also increase, but Pepsi is reportedly not planning to market the drink as an energy beverage.

“We just want another soda option out there, to give someone who maybe hasn’t had a Pepsi in a while a new reason to buy our soda again,” said Harris. “Be sure to keep your insulin at hand, though, because this soda will turn your blood into paste.”

Company Creates Candles, Perfumes That Smell Like Dirty Sex Organs, Sweat

Posted on April 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Kansas –

A new startup company has begun selling candles that smell like dirty sex organs and sweat, in scents they are labeling as “adult friendly.” The new business, called Dirty Birdie Scents, was started when couple Rick and Sheena Morrison realized how much they loved the smell of their home after a long, dirty sex session.

“Whereas some people have sex, and then need to air out the room or spray it down with colognes, we would have sex, and the stench of sweat, pussy, and ejaculate would fill the air, and we loved it,” said Rick Morrison, 30. “Sheena and I used to have sex in every room in our house just so we could keep it smelling that way all the time. We knew we couldn’t be alone in loving it.”

As it turns out, the couple was right. They began selling their products in 2014, and have since sold over $7.3 million dollars worth of sex-scented candles and perfumes.

“We love that people love the ‘smell of the fuck,’ as we call it,” said Sheena. “It’s a beautiful thing to make love to your partner, or even to some random man or woman you’ve never met, whatever floats your boat. Either way, the smell that is left behind is wonderful, and it’s obvious people agree.”

When they were asked about how they collected and bottled the scents that smelled so much like ‘dirty, raunchy pussy,’ ‘swamp ass,’ and ‘crusty limp dicks,’ the couple would only smile and shake their heads.

“That’s definitely our secret,” said Rick.

Hollywood Says That They Are ‘Done’ Making Reboots, Remakes; Original Content Only Starting 2017

Posted on April 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

All the major studios in Hollywood, including Paramount, Universal, Fox, and more, released a joint announcement today saying that they have “heard the call” of the movie fan, and will no longer be rebooting or remaking films, and plan to release nothing but original films and content going forward.

“People have been complaining a lot, and the internet is really the most important fan we have,” read the statement. “We have listened, and starting in 2017, there will be no more reboots from any of our studios. No remakes, either. We will still have sequels, because they’re built-in audiences that are usually cash cows, but no longer will we decide to make a movie based on another movie that is only 10 years old, that itself was based on a comic or TV series that was only 3 years old.”

The internet let out a collective yell of celebration at the news, praising Hollywood filmmakers for the first time since Avatar was released.

“Finally, they’re doing something right, and listening to what we want,” said Kip Hendrix, who says he ‘loves movies more than sluts love dick.’ “I’m so glad that I will never again have to see a movie in anticipation of another version of it being released by the time I get home from the theatre. Hollywood has sucked lately, and this is going to fix it.”

Japanese ‘Crap Steak’ Approved For Use in United States By FDA

Posted on April 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOYKO, Japan –

Japan, much like the rest of the world, has long had a problem with overcrowding in major cities. And with overcrowding comes a horrible issue with waste – but not just garbage, human waste as well. Several years ago, in a lab in Japan, several scientists were able to work to put that waste to good use by creating edible steak and meats out of human feces.

“We took the best parts of human waste, which is to say, the fibers and nutrients, and we formulated those to create a new, totally safe, edible product,” said Dr. Buru Tawagoto. “Japanese people have been eating it for several years, and it has made waste go down and nutritional values go up throughout the country.

Just this week, the United States FDA cleared the Japanese “shit steak” for use in both the private and public sectors of the food market. Starting at the end of the year, people will be able to buy this same product in grocery stores, and order it in restaurants.

“We waited quite some time to come to this decision, basically watching, waiting, and checking to see how the project went in Japan,” said FDA spokesman Mario Carson. “In the end, we felt that there was nothing stopping us from clearing it for use. It is healthy, and there have been no noticeable side-effects. We think it tastes like shit, but hey, that’s not the issue at hand, here.”

Gang Initiation In Detroit Causes Panic After 30 People Killed In 30 Days

Posted on April 5, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

A new gang trying to make a name for themselves in Detroit, Michigan is said to be playing a deadly game. The crew, known on the streets as The Detroit Hitmen are allegedly looking to kill 100 random people over a 100 day period. So far, police say the gang has killed 30 people, none of which had gang affiliations or ties of any kind.

“These people, this gang, they’re killing anyone. They’re killing young or old, black or white. The deaths have no connection, and we are at a loss on how to stop them,” said police chief Gabe Miller. “We want everyone to stay inside, keep your doors locked. They are not killing at any time of day. The deaths have been random, from stabbings to shootings. The violence is unreal.”

Chief Miller says that the gang is made up of at least 50 different members, all of whom are white.

“Unlike the black gangs, which usually wear colors or have identifying marks or signs, this gang doesn’t do any of that,” said Chief Miller. “That’s what makes them so deadly. All of the suspects we’ve dealt with were white, mid-to-late 20s, educated, and articulate. Most of them come from middle-class or upper-middle-class homes. Trying to handle this violence when it’s being perpetrated by white kids is extremely difficult.”

McDonald’s Says ‘Secret Menu’ Item McGangBang To Be Added To Official Menu This Summer

Posted on April 5, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

For those in the know, most fast food restaurants have always had a ‘secret menu,’ a place where savvy customers could order crazy items built from other items off the ‘common’ menu. At the top of the list of secret items was McDonald’s McGangBang sandwich, which is the biggest, cheapest, item you can get. The sandwich features a McDouble burger, as well as McChicken, smashed together to form a towering heart attack.

McDonald’s long denied the existence of their secret menu, but in the day of the internet, nothing stays a secret for long. With the McGangBang sandwich becoming public knowledge, and a slew of people beginning to not only order the item, but also post pictures online, McDonald’s has said that they are now going to be putting the item on their official menu.

“We are sad that the internet has ruined our secret menu, but at the same time, we’re happy to offer the McGangBang to all our customers,” said McDonald’s CEO Charles King. “We will be officially releasing the product in August to most locations, and it will still only be $2.00 before tax, the cost it is now when ordered as two separate dollar-menu items.”

Stores To Begin Charging Deposit For Diapers; Will Be Redeemed Like Bottles and Cans

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

One of the biggest problems plaguing the entire country is the increased garbage in our landfills. One way that has been combated over the years is with bottle and can redemption, where – depending on the state – you pay an extra charge for bottles purchased, and those can be redeemed and recycled later with the consumer getting their money back.

A new plan set in motion by congress, which will take effect nationwide, will see the same plan take on diapers, which are one of the leading causes of overfilling of our nation’s dump and landfill centers.

“Going forward, a redemption charge will be added to all diaper sales, at the rate of an extra $1 per diaper in each pack,” said congressman Joel Hill. “We expect that in this way, people can start recycling their baby’s diapers in the hopes that they can be re-used, and no longer simply tossed into the trash.”

Major diaper manufacturers say that the idea is brilliant, as the materials that are used in collecting the waste of children is “easily recyclable.”

“We could use the diapers dozens of times before they become unstable,” said Huggies plant manager Roger Kern. “We don’t get the chance to, because they end up thrown away, but now we’ll finally start being able to use materials over again, saving us money, which we can pass to the consumer.”

The diaper recycling law will take effect in most states on June 1st, with the entire country set to begin collecting by the end of the year.

Woman Arrested For Squirting Breastmilk At Man Who Tried To Publicly ‘Shame’ Her

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STOCKTON, West Virginia –

A nursing mother was arrested yesterday while breastfeeding in public, after she squirted a man in the face with her milk. According to police, Wanda Rogers, 25, was arrested because Joel Marks, 38, was yelling at her to “put her damn tits away” while she was in public, and Rogers retaliated by squirting him in the face.

“This is a simple assault, yes, but an assault none-the-less,” said police chief Joel Chambers. “Mr. Marks was ‘extremely embarrassed’ by the incident, and even though he’s a jerk for yelling at her in the first place, it was his right to press charges and have her arrested.”

According to witnesses, it was Marks who should have been arrested.

“He saw that poor mom sitting there on the park bench, minding her own business, feeding her baby, and he went right up to her and started screaming in her face, calling her a bad mother,” said Mary Lambert, a witness to the incident. “He was yelling and calling her names, and the baby started crying, and I think the poor mom just lost it.”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal. This giant douche was yelling in my face, and was scaring my baby, so I simply squeezed a bit, and shot some milk in his face,” said Rogers, who is a nursing student. “It didn’t hurt him, it just caught him off guard. My lord, it’s just milk. Maybe if his momma had breastfed him, he wouldn’t be such a jerk.”

Rogers was held for 24 hours and let go on $350 bail. She is scheduled to appear in court next month.