College Student Pays Tuition By Begging On Streets

Posted on March 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

19-year-old college Sophomore Ben James says that he has paid off his entire college tuition in less than two years after he discovered street begging.

“I kept seeing the same homeless guy outside my dorm begging, every single day,” said James, who is earning his degree in business. “One day I just asked him. I said ‘hey man, how much are you actually making out here every day? Wouldn’t it be easier to just get a job?’ And he tells me that he’s making almost $400 a day, every day. I couldn’t believe it.”

James says that the next day he went to the thrift store, bought some ratty clothes, and rubbed them in dirt and cut them up. He found a corner near a busy intersection, and says he took in nearly $300 on his first day out.

“People feel sorry for you when you’re homeless, and they like to give. They especially like to give if you’re young, and they like to give if you have a funny sign,” said James. “I’ve even had other homeless guys throw me a couple bucks. Of course, I let them in on my secret that I’m not homeless, and just trying to pay for college. They actually thought it was a great idea.”

So far, James has brought in over $85,000 from begging, enough to pay for his entire four years as a student at the University of Phoenix.

Post-Terrorist Attack, Brussels Still Officially #SaferThanATrumpRally

Posted on March 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRUSSELS, Belgium –

Social media has been abuzz the last few weeks with the hashtag #SaferThanATrumpRally, with many folks listing some absurd and dark places that are safer to be than at a Donald Trump rally.

After the attack in Brussels, Belgium, most would assume that they’d rather be anywhere else, but according to social media, even the terrorist-attacked city would be a better place to be than with any view of Donald Trump.

“I’d rather be in Brussels with a shirt with a target on it that says ‘fuck you, Muslim scum’ than ever set foot at a Trump rally,” said New York resident Joel Miller. “I was downtown during 9/11. Scariest time of my life. I’d rather live that all over again, too, than ever be at a Trump rally. The man, and his minions, are mindless, soulless villains.”

As with all tragedies, everyone is standing with Brussels, and an onslaught of support has appeared from all corners of the globe, with many users on social media changing their pictures to a photo of the flag of Belgium in solidarity.

“Donald Trump is a nightmare. I’ve seen people get punched in the face while simply standing still, peacefully, at one of his rallys,” said Maryanne Lewis of Detroit, Michigan. “I’d sooner throw beer and ham at a Muslim holding an AK-47 with TNT strapped to his ass than be at a Trump rally. These are terrifying times, both in the US and abroad.”

Couple Renovating New Home Find $6M In Cash Stored Between Walls

Posted on March 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LINCOLN, Nebraska –

A couple who recently purchased an old farmhouse in Lincoln, Nebraska, got a massive surprise when they began renovating their house last month. Melissa and Bryan Jenkins, both 32, purchased the house with a $10,000 down payment. The total cost of the home? $189,000.

“We are going to be able to pay off the house instantly now, with this cash. And once we do, we’re selling the hell out of it and buying a mansion,” said Melissa. “I can’t believe the dumb luck. We didn’t even want this house. It was like, our 3 or 4th choice, but the other sales fell through. So we took what we could get.”

Bryan Jenkins says that he took the first swing with the hammer at the wall, and several bills poured right out.

“We were opening up the first floor bedroom to make a bigger dining room, and cash just started raining down with every swing,” said Bryan. “We couldn’t believe it. We were almost screaming with excitement. By the end of the weekend, we’d pretty much smashed out every wall that wasn’t a retaining wall, and even some of those we may have knocked a couple holes in.”

All totaled, the couple racked up over $6 million in cash.

“According to state law, the money is ours. The house has been vacant for over 20 years, and just like if you found an old bike in the weeds of an overgrown garden, everything that comes with the house is yours when you move in,” said Melissa. “We’re so blessed. Now to get the hell out of Nebraska.”

Man Suffers Heart Attack After Wife Forces Him To Do Household Chores

Posted on March 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Mark Jones, 33, has died today after his wife, Rebecca, forced him to spend his entire day off from his construction job doing odd-jobs around the house.

Rebecca and Mark had been married for only 6 months, but friends close to Mark say that ever since the day of their wedding, Rebecca became a “different person,” and they had barely spoken to Mark in weeks.

“Before they got married, everything was great for Mark. You couldn’t wipe the smile off his face,” said best friend Ricky Smith. “He was always gloating about all the mouth-Js he was getting. How she couldn’t stay off of him. How she’d cook him fancy steak dinners and ride him, cowgirl style, while he played Call of Duty. To be honest, we were all really jealous.”

Another friend, Chris Lambert, says that all changed as soon as they got married.

“I just talked to Mark about a week ago. First time in 2 months. He told me how she hadn’t touched him since their wedding night, and even then, he just got a limp-wristed old fashioned,” said Lambert. “Apparently, Rebecca knew exactly what to say and do to get Mark married, and after they were, she really laid into him.”

Mark Jones owned one of the biggest construction companies in the United States, and was worth an estimated $1.9 billion. His wife is set to inherit the entire estate. Police say they believe the death was accidental.

Store Made Famous On ‘Pawn Stars’ Robbed At Gunpoint

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

At the beginning of each episode of Pawn Stars, shop owner and star of the series Rick Harris says “you never know what may come in [the store]” and on Wednesday evening, that saying proved all the more true, as a gang of masked intruders made their way into the store with shotguns and pistols.

“We are a heavily armed store, and the doors are usually locked,” said Harris, who has owned the shop with his family for years. “We’ve actually never been robbed the entire time we’ve been here, but the History Channel show has given us a lot more notoriety, so we’re a bigger target.”

According to Harris, the thieves made way with over $250,000 in cash and merchandise, mostly sports memorabilia and coins.

“The store will be closed for a few weeks while things are sorted out, and the show is on a current hiatus anyway, so if there was ever a good time to be robbed, it was now,” said Rick. “Thankfully, I got a buddy of mine who knows a thing or two about property insurance, so I gave him a call and he’s coming down to help out.”

Man Sues Hooters After Getting Small-Breasted Waitress On Visit

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Kyle Reese, 50, says that he is taking suit against a Hooters location in Miami, Florida, after a recent visit to the restaurant. According to Reese, he was assigned a “tiny-titted” waitress, and was refused service after he requested a girl with a “bigger rack.”

“As the great Chris Rock said, ‘No one goes to Hooters for wings,'” said Reese. “I went there, and I wanted to oogle. I have gone many times, and I always get good looking, stacked chicks. This time, I got some small-titted, timid girl. It’s not my type. I asked to be seated somewhere else, and they said no. Then they refused to serve me at all when I demanded a hotter girl.”

Management in the restaurant say that they had no choice but to ask Reese to leave after he began screaming about “tits and ass” inside the family establishment.

“We are a family-friendly place, and we had many other people eating at the time,” said manager Joel Silver. “This was not the kind of environment we want our other guests to have to deal with, so Mr. Reese was removed from the property.”

Reese is seeking $2 million dollars in damages, claiming that the restaurant falsely advertised their product.

Anonymous Bidder Spends $3.5 Million On ‘Share A Coke With Trump’ Bottle

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

An anonymous online bidder on eBay has reportedly paid over $3.5 million for a bottle of Coca-Cola with the slogan ‘Share a Coke With Trump’ written on it. The bottle, which comes directly from the Trump campaign, is reportedly signed by Trump, and all proceeds go “back into the campaign,” the auction said.

“I am extremely honored that someone would donate that much to my campaign, and I am glad that because of the way that we set up this auction, it is completely legal and totally tax free,” said Trump. “Because the donator was so generous, I will also be sending him a 12-pack of Coca-Cola cans, so that he can enjoy the smooth taste of the best soda on the market.”

Coca-Cola stock dropped to all-time lows after the announcement, with most people falsely assuming that Coca-Cola sponsored The Donald. A spokesman for Coca-Cola says that there is “no way in hell” that they support Donald Trump, and that the company does not make its political leanings known, except to remind people to always vote Coke over Pepsi.

Cards Against Humanity Makers Charged with Crimes Against Humanity

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SPRINGFIELD, Massachusetts –

Abiding Truth Ministries has charged creators of the popular card game, Cards Against Humanity, with crimes against humanity, including encouraging Blasphemy and Sin. After years of failed rallying against homosexuality, the group has decided to “try an easier foe.”

Founder Scott Lively is best known as author of The Pink Swastika, which exposes homosexuality in the Nazi party. Lively has no doubt that they will be able to shut down production of the extremely popular card game, once people are made aware of what their children are playing.

“Sin is no laughing matter, and they make a game out of it. This is worse than what the Nazi party did. They were homosexual, but made it right by killing Jesus-hating Jews. I can not find anything redeeming about this game,” said Lively.

“I’m really surprised that they don’t like our game, since it’s full of great combos of cards that could totally be construed as racist if you wanted them to be,” said Cards Against Humanity spokesman Joseph Reilly. “I’m pretty sure that we have plenty of reference to Jews, Jesus, Nazis, Hitler – I mean all matter of horrible things in there. We’re not worried about this lawsuit at all. Just like our cards, this is just a game to us.”

Netflix To Raise Pricing This Summer; Most Plans To Begin At $25 Per Month

Posted on March 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Netflix, which has long since become most people’s go-to source for home entertainment, says that they will be launching a price increase this summer, battling rival companies such as Hulu and Amazon, as well as cable providers for rich, new content.

“The problem that we’re facing is that we’re sinking hundreds of millions of dollars into buying some of these movies and TV series, and we’re just not bringing in new subscribers fast enough,” said Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix. “When you spend millions of dollars to bring shit like Friends to Netflix, you hope that someone wants to watch it – then you remember it’s one of the worst shows to have ever been on television, and you realize that people aren’t rushing out in droves to spend money on nostalgia.”

The nostalgia comment has proven to be especially true lately, as ratings on Netflix for their shows bringing back 90s sitcoms, such as Fuller House have proven to be abysmal.

“We really wanted Fuller House to be the reason that people signed up for Netflix again, or came to us for the first time,” said Hastings. “We didn’t realize that, in the end, people just don’t care about Bob Saget. Thank God we still have House of Cards to fall back on.”

Hastings says that the company plans to have several tiers for streaming, much like now, but that the prices will fall “somewhere closer to $30” per account.