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Japanese Trend of Having Eyes Dyed Comes To United States

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan – 

For the last several years, Japanese teens have been spending plenty of money on a massive trend mostly favored by the dance club scene, wherein surgeons will permanently dye and change the color or design of their eyes. The insane trend, which began in late 2008, has finally made its way to the United States, with many plastic surgeons saying they cannot keep up with the demand from clients.

“I have had about 20 teens over the last 2 weeks all come in to have their eyes changed, dyed, and decorated,” said Dr. Marsha Lawrence, of Lawrence Plastic Surgery in Los Angeles. “It’s insane. The technology is very new, even with the year that it has been happening overseas, so the risks are still high. Sadly, of those 20 teens, 3 of them have already completely lost their eyesight. They say they don’t mind, though, as their eyes look awesome.”

Teens across the country have been making appointments with plastic surgeons to have eye work, as the trend is so new it isn’t currently regulated, and is open to anyone of any age.

“I have done it to anyone younger than 14 myself,” said Dr. Lawrence. “I know, though, of some colleagues that have done children as young as 9. They really love it.”

Parents are urged to talk to their children about FX contacts, instead.

 

Justin Bieber Says He’s Retiring From Music, Wants To Focus On Writing Novel

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

After storming off stage after only one song during his last concert, Justin Bieber has announced that he is retiring from music and performing to work on a novel he has been “tinkering with” for the last few years.

“I’ve been writing a historical fiction novel, set during World War II,” said Bieber in a recent interview. “It’s something I’m very passionate about. It’s a love story, a story of war and of peace, and it’s a story of traditional values and family, and I think it’s one that needs to be told.”

The pop singer, best known for making trash songs such as “Baby,” shocked fans when he announced his intentions of writing a book.

“I know there will be lots of people, especially young, naive girls, who think that I am giving up on them, but I’m not,” said Bieber. “Actually, what I’m doing is giving them a new creative avenue to explore. If you love my music, then you’ll love my novel.”

Bieber reportedly has a publishing deal worth over $1 million with Penguin/Random House Publishing. The book is due in late 2016.

Blind Klan Member Kills Himself After Sleeping With African-American Prostitute

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

HARLAN COUNTY, Kentucky – 

Marshall Rogers, a longtime racist and self-proclaimed bigot, reportedly hung himself after discovering that he had slept with an African-American prostitute.

Rogers, who was legally blind, has paid for the services of Amber Grey, a prostitute in his hometown where Rogers was an active member of the Ku Klux Klan. Although Grey says that she knew that Rogers would be “extremely upset” if he found out she wasn’t white, she continued to allow him to pay for sex.

“I thought it was hilarious, really,” said Grey. “He would call me up, I’d go over. He thought I was white, I guess, because he’d always talk about how glad he was to find a nice ‘white piece of ass’ out of all the ‘nigger trash’ that whored themselves out. Frankly, I needed the money, and it kind of made me happy to be putting one over on the old racist bastard.”

After several months of procuring Grey’s services, Rogers was informed by members of the Klan that she was not white, and Rogers, who was reportedly already unstable after losing his eyesight during Vietnam, hanged himself in his den. He left a note addressed to his Klan, although police are not saying what it contained.

Grey, who has been cooperating with police on any information she is able to provide, will not be charged with any crimes in the part of Rogers’ death, although she has been arrested for solicitation.

Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson Arrested For Conspiracy In Popeye’s Chicken Robbery

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Dr. Ben Carson, the Republican candidate for president, has reportedly been arrested for a crime he allegedly committed several years ago. According to an interview Dr. Carson gave on national TV that has since made the rounds, he admitted that during a robbery at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant, he aided the felon by directing him to rob the cashier at gunpoint.

“I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization,” the retired neurosurgeon told Karen Hunter on Sirius XM Radio, referring to the fried chicken fast-food chain. “[A] guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs. And I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.”

Police in Baltimore, where the incident took place, say that the admission of guilt in part of the crime was enough for the arrest. They are currently seeking leads on his accomplice, the aforementioned robber with the gun.

For his part, Dr. Carson says that he is an “innocent man,” and was merely telling the story to gain sympathy and to show he had an understanding of gun violence, something that has confused everyone who has heard the story ever since he told it.

“Dr. Carson seems like one of those people who is so damn smart that they may actually be really, really stupid,” said Joe Goldsmith, a Baltimore resident who formerly worked at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant. “I don’t recall Dr. Carson ever coming into the place I worked, but if he had, and told a robber to come point a gun at me, I’d have whooped his ass.”

Carmelo Anthony Reportedly Overdoses On Medical-Grade Marijuana

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK, New York – 

In 2004, Carmelo Anthony of the NBA’s New York Knicks was cited for trying to board a place with a bag of marijuana. Although Anthony claimed he was just “holding it for a friend” who had borrowed his bag, Anthony has apparently started dipping into that friend’s stash, as he was hospitalized on Friday evening with acute marijuana poisoning.

“Carmelo Anthony was admitted to the New York State General Hospital on Friday evening after reportedly smoking over a quarter of a pound of marijuana,” said hospital administrators. “This is the first instance of marijuana overdose in the world, and we are working diligently to make sure Mr. Anthony is comfortable.”

Doctors say that they are providing Anthony with plenty of fluids, including Monster Energy drinks, as well as foods to keep him stable, such as Bugles and Fritos.

“He’ll no doubt be on his feet again in no time,” said Anthony’s physician. “We do recommend, though, that he cut back on the amount of weed he smokes. That’s an awful lot to take in at one time.”

Tom Cruise Says He’s Leaving Church of Scientology

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Cruise, one of the most prolific A-list actors on the planet, is known almost as much for his bizarre religious beliefs as he is for his star power in action films like Mission:Impossible. But Cruise may be making a turn for the “normal,” as it was announced by his publicist this morning that Cruise was planning on leaving the Church of Scientology.

“Mr. Cruise has decided that he has spent enough money learning the secrets of the Church, and it is time for him to leave,” said Cruise’s agent, Mario Rubio. “Although this will be a difficult step, as the Church of Scientology is a known cult that often threatens people who leave with violence and lawsuits, Mr. Cruise feels he is above the reach of scientology.”

According to the Church, which was created by science-fiction writer L.Ron Hubbard, persons of a high rank in the organization, which Cruise is considered, are never allowed to leave, and sign documents declaring that they will not.

“Tom has a lot of high powered lawyers behind him, and he isn’t worried,” said Rubio. “Really, he just wants to spend a little bit of normal, regular time with his kids, without the Church’s involvement. It’s about time, too, if you ask me. It’s bound to make his next movie an even bigger hit, since there were definitely people who would not see his films due to his insane theories.”

NBC Plans ‘Big Bang Theory’ Feature Film

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California – 

NBC, the company behind the hit TV series The Big Bang Theory, has announced they have begun negotiations with the cast of the show to star in a big-budget, theatrically-released film the company has been planning.

“Somehow, unbeknownst to us, The Big Bang Theory has really captured audiences, and continues to always pull in great viewer numbers,” said NBC CEO Mark Rutherford. “We have yet to figure out how such a God awful piece of shit show like Big Bang actually works, but it does, and we’re definitely going to cash in.”

The Big Bang Theory, which centers around a group of nerds and who make lame jokes about stupid, pseudo-science, is mostly unwatchable for people with actual taste, but appears to do well in the 18-25 age group, especially when you tie in the 18-25 year-olds who also smoke marijuana.

“We’ve placed the show in a prime time slot, not just for TV, but prime time for stoners,” said Rutherford. “We want these people to watch this crap, with its annoying laugh track and piss-poor comedy writing, because they’re bringing in the ratings. And ratings equal money. The more ratings, the more money, and the more money we’ll sink into crap like this in the future.”

Crap for the future is what NBC is banking on by creating what they say is a first in a “long line” of planned sitcoms turned into films.

“We cannot wait to finalized this deal with the Big Bang cast, and no doubt they will be excited to be the first from our NBC family to make the leap to the big screen,” said Rutherford. “There will be others that follow, assuming this piece of shit movie gets off the ground and makes the kind of money that this piece of shit show has.”

Gluten-Free Diets Causes ‘Bitchiness’ In People Who Don’t Need To Go Gluten Free

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

According to researchers at Cambridge Medial School, people who go “gluten-free” because they think it has added health benefits are far more prone to become bitchy and pretentious.

“Gluten-free diets are necessary for people with Celiac disease, or who have a gluten allergy,” said Dr. Richard Kimball of Cambridge. “For everyone else, it is a stupid, ego-centric fad, and it has no bearing on your health, except to say that it’s actually bad for you. Gluten is an essential part of everyone’s diet, and you should be eating it regularly.”

Kimball says that studies they have performed indicate that people who go gluten-free merely to be “in” or “hip” in the diet fads are more likely to become bitchy, or come across as pretentious to their friends and peers.

“Many people go gluten free, and think it’s cool, and they love to shove it in your face,” said Kimball. “They’ll tell you about their spin class, talk about yoga, and then casually mention how they’re gluten free and ‘feel great,’ when really going gluten free has nothing to do with that. You’ll no doubt want to punch them in their pretentious, bitchy face. I recommend that you do just that. Stop the cycle when you can.”

Gluten is so misunderstood, that a simple walk through the grocery store can prove exactly how stupid most consumers are about their food.

“Why am I seeing signs next to the chicken and pork in the meat department that says ‘gluten free’ on it?,” questioned Dr. Kimball. “Of course raw pork is gluten free. Do you people even know what gluten is? Read a damn book for crying out loud. And then stop being a pretentious bitch and just eat gluten. It’s fine, and it’s necessary for health.”

4-Year-Old Girl Recognized As Youngest Ever Confirmed Pregnancy

Posted on by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Kentucky – 

A 4-year-old girl who has been confirmed to be 4 weeks pregnant has been recognized by the World Health Organization as the youngest person ever to become with child, according to a spokesman for the WHO.

Amy Jones, 4, was confirmed to be pregnant by her pediatrician. Although the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are not clear, doctors say that it’s “not surprising” a child of that age could conceive.

“With all the hormones put in food and drinks these days by unscrupulous companies, it’s a wonder that babies couldn’t get pregnant,” said Dr. Emmett Fields of the Lexington Medical School. “Before this, the youngest child ever to become pregnant was 6-years-old, and she had turned 7 by the time the baby was born. It’s mind-boggling to think, but when it comes down to it, girls are experiencing puberty and younger and younger ages.”

Dr. Fields says that as times have progressed, children have hit their puberty cycles earlier and earlier. A recently as the 1940s, the average age of a boy or a girl hitting puberty was 12. As of this year, it’s 9.

“It’s staggering, really,” said Dr. Fields. “I am saddened by the developments, but excited at the prospect of working with this young girl as she goes through her pregnancy. It will be a first for everyone.”

Police who were contacted about the pregnancy say they are working with doctors to discover if there was any abuse, but so far say there is no evidence leading to that conclusion.

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