Man Sues Hooters After Server’s Cleavage Triggers Heart Attack

Posted on February 7, 2015 by ZGHarris

AUSTIN, Texas –

Local Austin resident Jason Rittlestone was rushed to the hospital after an acute cardiac arrest at a local Hooters franchise. Now, the Texan says he is suing the franchise, citing a female employee’s bust as the reason for the attack.

“My client was simply trying to enjoy a meal, while simultaneously enjoying the partially bare chests of the female servers,” said Attorney Arum Silverman. “This particular employee has such an ample chest that, quite frankly, there should be a warning given to anyone that is to be served by her.”

According to eye witnesses, Rittlestone was in the midst of his fourth helping of hot wings when a young waitress, Cindy Thompson, approached him. Witnesses say Rittlestone looked to be in a state of shock, then doubling over out of his chair and onto the floor. He remained there until EMTs arrived on the scene.

Franchise owner Steven Balderama stood by his employee, and his restaurant. “We take pride in who we hire here at Hooters. Ms. Thompson came to us looking for employment, and we felt her talents far exceeded the prerequisites for hiring. She did nothing to provoke Mr. Rittlestone’s condition. The girl doesn’t even wear a push-up bra, for crying out loud.”

When asked about the incident, Thompson replied, “I just came over to offer him a refill on tea. When I came to his table, he got all bug-eyed and red in the face. All of a sudden, he leaned forward with his hands out. I screamed and backed away because I thought he was trying to grab me.”

The suit is expected to begin within two weeks, and there is expected to be a hard-fought battle. Rittlestone is expected to make a full recovery from the heart attack, although doctors say the fractured jaw and ruptured testicle he sustained after his wife discovered the circumstances of the incident could take several months to fully heal.

Apple Founder Steve Jobs Found Alive, Hiding Out In Jamaica

Posted on February 7, 2015 by ZGHarris

RIO BUENO, Jamaica –

A set of tourists were shocked to see a man who looked suspiciously like one of their idols on the beaches of Rio Bueno, Jamaica. Jake Nestar and Stacey Kenely, who are self-proclaimed Apple fanatics, were enjoying the sun and sand of Jamaica when they noticed a man who looked suspiciously like Apple Founder Steve Jobs. On further investigation, the two realized it was, in fact, the long-thought dead Jobs, and celebrated with such gusto that they blew the entrepreneur’s cover.

“We were just so excited to see the man who changed our lives so much,” said Nester. “I was like, ‘Babe, is that him?’ and she was all ‘Jake, you’re high.’ But I was pretty sure. Then she started looking up pictures of him on her iPad. Then she was all ‘OMG, Babe, that’s him.’ He was the dude.”

According to onlookers, Nester then ran up to Jobs, bragging about his new Apple products. The outburst caught the attention of some other tourists. Quickly, a mob formed around Jobs, and within minutes, news reporters were on the scene.

With his cover blown, Jobs had no choice but to speak on the matter.

“I was simply trying to enjoy my life,” the marketing genius said. “I had come to the beach thinking it was low season for tourists. I didn’t think anyone would recognize me.”

Jobs then explained his reason for the faked death. “I was under so much stress the last decade. I knew the only way people would stop constantly hassling me for ideas was if they thought I was dead. Do you have any idea how nice it is to not own personal electronic products? I’ve been free ever since the world stopped bothering me.”

The Apple founder did seem to have a relaxed and calm demeanor when speaking to reporters. The Island lifestyle did seem to agree with his new want in life.

“Nobody cares who I am down here. Nobody wants to bother me about what the new innovation or strategy will be. They just enjoy sitting and chatting, smoking weed or drinking rum. We all go down to the weekly Tupac and Biggie concerts and enjoy life without computers, cell phones, pads, pods, and other devices that suck the life out of you.”

When asked if he had any remorse about unveiling Job’s secret, Nester replied, “Did he say Tupac and Biggie concerts?”

25 Dead In Crazy Plane Crash In Taiwan, Footage Caught On Camera – You Won’t Believe The Cause!

Posted on February 4, 2015 by skullman

TAIPEI, Taiwan –

A pilot who was flying a jet full of passengers crashed almost immediately after takeoff yesterday, with the plane landing in the middle of Taipei, narrowly missing the freeway, and crashing into offices and homes.

Taiwan airline officials, who are normally very reserved on speaking to the American press, said that they would like people to know that it was all about pilot error, and not to blame the airline.

“We want everyone to know that our airline is very safe. Always safe,” said airline spokesman Kim Ho. “We are not like Malaysia airlines. Our passengers always get to their destination safely. No crashes. Planes never go missing. This was all because the pilot fell asleep on takeoff. That’s not normal, though. Seriously, we are not Malaysia airlines. Please, please…keep flying with us.”

According to Ho, the pilot may have nodded off while trying to bring the plane into the air.

“The pilot was up too late. He likes to party! Maybe he was drinking? I don’t know. We have not found black box yet, so we can’t know. Pilot also had bad allergies, and looking at online video, maybe he just sneezed really hard, and plane went down. He just not as good at plane flying as Denzel Washington. Denzel can fly drunk and on cocaine. This pilot, he suck at flying.” said Ho. “But, don’t worry, it was not terrorist, or any sort of supernatural thing, or government shooting us down, no no. Not like Malaysia airlines. This was just pilot. He is stupid pilot, that’s all. That’s all. Most of our pilots, they not as stupid as this one. Trust us!”

The airline says that they are offering discounted flying rates over the next few months to encourage people to continue to use their airlines.

“We will give great deals now, on tickets,” said Ho. “Please, please. Fly with us still. Try us! We will get you where you want to go, and we will get you there safe. Accidents happen sometime, but this just once. We have good cookies and sodas when you fly with us. Movies too, like Dr. Dolittle and Con Air. Come, give a try. You’ll love us. We’re not Malaysia Airlines. Please fly!”

Celebrities, Other Groups In Uproar Over ‘Game Of War’ Ads Starring Kate Upton

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The White Persons Movement, or WPM, is apparently very heated over a new commercial. Group President Peter Weinberg announced in his weekly press conference this morning that he has received a letter from group cabinet members stating that the ‘Game of War’ ads on the internet and television, which show off the busty, blonde, silky-skinned snowflake Kate Upton, are far ‘too sexy’ for men to handle, especially African-Americans.

“It is with love of our African-American brothers that we share our concern with the entire nation,” Weinberg said. “We here at the WAP are not racists, and we want to help our brown brethren. We know that most black men cannot resist the love of a busty white woman, and these ads go too far. Not to mention how mad their wives get when Upton’s breasts are dangerously close to exploding off television screens, computers and cell phones.”

Kim Kardashian-West has also spoke out against the advertisement recently. “I just think it is inappropriate, she has all her junk just poppin’ out. I mean really, like who does she think she is? She doesn’t even have a talent, does she?” Kardashian said . “It really pisses me off actually, everybody been talkin’ about her. I mean enough is enough, we are sick of you. A real woman doesn’t just put her stuff out there for the world to see.”

Even comedian Bill Cosby used the ads as material during a sold-out stand-up performance, “All I have to say is, Kate Upton! Now! Youuuu…seee…what I, as a black mannnnnn have to deal with? Bouncy, bouncy, Jello cups and Vanilla Puddin’ Pops! It is …ENOUGH…to drive a man to desperate measures! There is nothing as sexy as a good, healthy white woman!” Cosby explained with trademark silly faces.

Netflix CEO Announces Big Changes, Plans To Become Cable TV Provider

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS GATOS, California –

Netflix co-founder and CEO Rod Houston announced today that the on-demand streaming media giant has developed a new way of offering cable services to millions of Americans, which includes HBO, Showtime, The Movie Channel, all sports networks, including NFL Sunday Ticket and NBA Season Pass, among others for the unbelievably low price of $16.99 a month.

“Basically, we will have guys running around hooking up cable illegally, from house to house, and we’ll be the middle-man for content. But, I mean, if everyone is happy, is it a crime?” Houston said. “Aren’t you tired of switching back and forth between cable providers? Burnt out on the selections provided through Netflix streaming? Of course you are. Our selection is mediocre at best. Do you need more? Of course you do! I am pleased to announce that we have started our venture of becoming the only cable provider in the country, giving us control over everything! Well, that’s the idea anyway, not sure how we are going to do it, but it is a good idea.”

The confused reporters sitting in on the announcement apparently assumed the CEO had lost his mind, before he went on to explain why he’d really brought them all there, as the witty and clever Netflix lead-man went on to admit that he was joking about the whole thing.

“Ha! I got you guys again! I called this press conference strictly for the purpose of reminding each and everyone of you that the complete Friends series is now on Netflix, and what else do you need in your life but those goofy, nerdy, kinda-funny-but-the-show-was-pretty-much-shit Friends cast?!” Houston rambled. “Also, don’t worry, we are working diligently to close a deal to bring in the Muppet Show. It is a glorious time to be a Netflix subscriber!”

Irked reporters and spectators immediately cancelled their Netflix subscriptions, and switched to Hulu.

Google To Buy Facebook In First $1 Trillion Acquisition

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

In a move that could spell the end of the online world as we know it, Google has announced plans to purchase Facebook in the first ever trillion-dollar acquisition. The multi-trillion dollar tech giant has long been linked with the social media empire, after its own version, Google Plus, failed to attract the same sort of dedicated users that Facebook has.

“This is exciting news,” said a sweaty, blustering, bespectacled, morbidly obese geek. “The idea of Google taking over the next biggest chunk of the web has previously been vaunted, but I never thought it would happen in my lifetime. I mean, look at me. I spend most of my time on my ass eating bacon off my unwashed body in my mother’s basement. How many more years am I likely to survive? I’m a heart attack weighting [sic] to happen. Pardon the pun, heh heh.”

Others were not so enthusiastic about the rumors.

“I know everyone’s freaked out about the government having all their info, and that’s kinda my fault,” said NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden from somewhere in Russia. “But Google is who we really need to worry about. We willingly give them our life secrets, hoping they’ll keep it for us so that we never lose it. I have no doubt they’re grooming some naive intern to take over the world. Now they’re gonna have Facebook too? Oy vey!”

Mark Zuckerberg earlier denied reports that he was willing to sell his brainchild, even going so far as to change the tagline on the Facebook log-in page to read, “It’s mine and always will be.”

He later changed his stance, however, after Google came back to them with such an outrageous offer.

“Well, I always said that money was not what Facebook was about, despite really only caring about ad revenue, going public, and making me filthy rich,” said Zuckerberg. “Still – it was about people, not money. That said, who would turn down a trillion dollars? A trillion dollars?! Nobody, that’s who. Nobody on the face of the planet would turn down that kind of money. And only Google has the balls to fork it over to get what they want.”

Rumors that the company will change the name of the social media giant from Facebook to Googlebook could not be confirmed.

Man Who had Birthday During Facebook Outage Wins Thousands of ‘Likes’ in Lawsuit

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MENLO PARK, California –

Tuesday’s Facebook outage was tough for its hundreds of millions of users around the globe, but for Detroit resident Peter Ferguson, it took more of a toll – at least according to the judge that awarded him thousands of ‘Likes’ in a groundbreaking lawsuit.

Ferguson, whose birthday was on the day of the outage, sued the social media giant, claiming that they’d ruined the only day on which his life seemed to matter to the outside world.

“I know it’s not all that it’s made out to be,” he told reporters. “I know that most people don’t even visit my profile to send their messages, and that some of them don’t even remember who I am. But that’s all I got. At least they’re getting that little red notification that puts me momentarily at the center of their attention. That’s all a guy like me could ask for.”

The court agreed, ordering Facebook to grant at least ten thousand ‘Likes’ to Ferguson’s next post – whether it’s a warped political opinion, or a video homage to his pet cat, Brock. They further ordered Facebook CEO and owner, Mark Zuckerberg, to personally comment on every status or shared media that the broken man posts over the next month, making up for the ruination of what was meant to be a very special birthday.

Legal experts around the world hailed the outcome as a victory for the common man against growing tech corporations.

“More and more, we’re seeing these companies taking advantage of the average citizen’s personal life,” said advocate Jerry Greenfield, talking on Fox News and Friends. “They think there’ll be no consequences to a move like this, taking away our most poignant means of connection. But now they know what happens when I don’t get to show off dinner to those undomesticated Philistines I call my friends.”

In response to the legal debacle, Facebook posted an update to its terms of use, stating that unplanned downtime will now be considered a feature, rather than an inconvenience – adding the thrill of uncertainty to its usually flawless usage. At the time of writing, Facebook executives reported that so far 73% of users have agreed to the new conditions without reading them.

Supreme Court Finds ‘Happy Endings’ To Be Legitimate Massage Procedure

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supreme Court case of Ming’s House of Pleasure v. The state of Maine has ruled in favor of Ming’s in a shocking 7-3 vote. The Supreme Court of The United States has ruled that “happy endings” can be considered a legitimate massage procedure, and in no way should be considered prostitution.

”This case has been a court favorite for a while now,” said Court reporter Luis DeJesus. “The Justices asked to hear testimony from all 15 of Ming’s massage therapists. The early goings of the case did not look good for Ming, but the turning point of the case came when Ming offered the justices each a free massage.”

“The day of the free massage was the only time I ever saw Ruth smile,” said Ruth Ginsburg aide Sarah Nicole. ”I knew the men would enjoy it, but who knew the old girl was a freak?”

“The happy ending was a real pleasure,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. “I had my reservations, but once I experienced it, I had a change of heart. I can see how it’s the perfect ending to a relaxing massage. To think this was considered prostitution is outrageous. Now that I’ve experienced it, I can’t think of anything more natural than a good ol’ fashioned to finish off a good deep tissue massage.”

“Well, it’s about time those old bastards finally got something right,” said frequent Ming’s patron Carmine Classi. ”Now my wife can’t give me hell when I go to Chinatown for a little release. Shit, now that it’s legal and I don’t have to worry about the cops busting in, I’ll probably go 3 or 4 times a week instead of my usual 2.”

Justin Timberlake Sells His Shares of MySpace For One Dollar To Unsuspecting Fan

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Singer, songwriter, and actor Justin Timberlake, who was a co-owner of Myspace, reportedly sold his shares of the company to a fan for one dollar yesterday afternoon.

The 33-year-old Timberlake said in a statement from his publicist Michelle Hendrickson, that he no longer felt that Mypsace was developing the cause for which he signed up for.

“Mr. Timberlake would like to thank all of his fans for support in his venture with Myspace, but he felt that his goal of bridging the gap between artists and fans was not being achieved,” Hendrickson said.

Myspace has steadily declined in popularity since Facebook has taken over social media in the United States, and every year the number of Myspace users has dropped off signifcantly. Timberlake bought into the company with hopes of reviving the once upon a time king of all social media.

“Justin feels that he let a lot of people down, and just wanted to get out from under this thing, so he decided to take a loss and sold his share of the company to a fan for whom he was signing an autograph for. He casually asked the fan if she wanted to buy his share of Myspace for a dollar, she laughed, and said yes. And Mr. Timberlake then set up a meeting with the fan and lawyers to make the deal. And the deal was made,” Hendrickson said. “To be quite honest, Justin is glad to wash his hands of Myspace. I mean, did you know that Myspace was even still around? If you think Google Plus is a ghost town, you should try logging into your old Myspace page someday. It’s like a relic or a time capsule or something.”

Timberlake’s share of the company was worth $15 million, according to financial experts, making the the new unknown owner the luckiest Timberlake fan of all time.

Facebook Announces Plans To Start Charging Users For Likes, Shares

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Abe Abrams

MENLO PARK, California –

CEO Mark Zuckerberg made an official announcement this morning, outlining the plans for Facebook’s new business model. According to reports, Facebook will start to charge for ‘Likes’ and ‘Shares’ in an effort to increase their already massive revenue.

“I know people aren’t going to like it at first, but I owe it to shareholders to keep increasing profits,” said Zuckerberg. ”Charging for users to Like and Share is just the next obvious step in the progression of the company. The good news is, that with a billion active users, we don’t have to charge a lot to make a lot. We are planning, currently, on 2 cents to Like something, and 5 cents to share. These numbers should more than double our revenue. Coming in the next several weeks, all users will see a notification, asking them to link a PayPal or Google Wallet account to their Facebook page.”

“We always said the service would remain free – but we never said anything about the separate things you can do with the service. But, just think how much more special you will feel when someone likes that stupid picture you posted of your dinner last night, knowing that it cost them a couple cents,” said the head of product development for Facebook, Joey Goldsmith. “Or maybe you made a witty comment, probably something you stole from Workaholics, but your buddy Joe shares it. That share just cost him a nickel, so it’s now obvious – You’re the man!”

“I tend to like lots of comments, including my own, each day,” said Facebook user Jorge Pell. “I don’t think being charged will slow me down, liking comments is what I’m about, a few bucks a day won’t get me to change my online lifestyle.”

“Personally, I love sharing funny animal videos – my friends call me ‘the funny animal video lady’,” said Debbie Ranch, who has had a Facebook page for just over 6 months. ”Sharing funny animal videos is my life, and it makes me feel good, so no amount of money will ever get me to stop.”

If the product continues to thrive, Zuckerberg says that next year, users can expect to pay 10 cents to leave comments on posts, and 15 to 25 cents for Facebook game privileges.