Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather To Become First Private Citizen To Travel To The Moon

Posted on November 23, 2014 by JP

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

It has been confirmed today that a private citizen will be taking a trip to a place no man has gone before – unless, of course, you’re a man that happens to be an astronaut.

A new, privately funded space exploration company called GalaxyTech is sending its first citizen to the moon. The program is using this opportunity as a way to gain a little bit of cash, because as they said ‘a ticket to the moon don’t come cheap.’

“The exciting part of the announcement comes when we let everyone know who the first guinea pig, er, I mean, who the first brave explorer will be,” said company representative Sherman Helms. “The person who will be taking the trip could be argued as one of the most famous athletes in the world – his name is Floyd Mayweather!”

Mayweather announced his trip to the moon earlier this week through his publicist, but initial reports seemed to come through the media as a purported joke.

“I just thought this would be a great chance for the best on Earth to hold the crown as the best on the Moon, too,” said Mayweather. “I’ve done almost everything there is to do on this planet, and I’m ready to see what the moon has to offer. Plus, who knows, maybe they be some type of alien up there that wants to go a couple rounds.”

The space program sending Mayweather to the moon hopes that other celebrities will follow suit. While Floyd my be the first private citizen going to the moon, GalaxyTech say that they sincerely hope that he isn’t the last.

Taylor Swift To Put Music Career On Hold, Plans on Attending College

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

Taylor Swift, the biggest name in pop and country at the moment shocked fans, promoters and the entire music industry today when she cancelled her world tour. Swift announced in a statement that ‘there’s nothing more important than education,’ and she plans on attending college starting this January in time for the spring semester.

“I hope my fans support my decision, I’m not the first star to put a career on hold,” said Swift. “Jodie Foster went to Yale, Natalie Portman went to Harvard, and Emma Watson went to Brown. If they could put their careers on hold to get an education, so can I. As a role model to millions of young girls, I feel it’s my duty to show the importance of education. So I’ll be going to a little school in Boston that maybe some of you have heard of, to pursue my life long dream.”

According to Swift and her management, going to school is the only thing that’s kept her back from becoming the biggest musician of all-time, as opposed to just one of the biggest musicians of all-time.

“Because I want to live this dream, today I am proud to announce I was accepted to Boston’s Medford Community College School of Dog Grooming. I will be starting this January, for a grueling 6 months of courses to achieve my certificate, but I know with the support of God and my fans, I can do it. I want to let my fellow students know even though I may be the only one going to a commuter school in a limo, I’m just a regular down-home country girl at heart.”

“I’m really, really sad that she’s not going to be singing anymore,” said Amy Anderson, a 12-year-old fan. “6 months is like a lifetime away from making music, but I’m happy for her. Well I’m more sad for me than happy for her. I don’t know how I feel. My Mom and Dad are both doctors, and they wanted me to be a doctor. I wanted to be a singer like Taylor, but now I guess I want to be a dog groomer like Taylor.”

‘Diary of Anne Frank’ Flagged For Plagiarism

Posted on November 22, 2014 by DvanL

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands –

The Diary of Anne Frank, required reading for many middle-schoolers since its publication in 1947, was recently flagged for plagiarism, a discovery credited to 12-year old student Hanne Flüvke, who ran the book through an online plagiarism checker.

Through a translator Flüvke said, “We had to write a paper on Anne Frank and how she would be today in society. ‘Would she use Facebook and texting?’ my teacher asked, so I was checking my paper to make sure I wasn’t copying anything another person wrote.”

“Suddenly I became not very happy,” said Flüvke. “I started my report with Justin Bieber when he said he thought Anne Frank would be a ‘Belieber’ and my grandmother said, ‘Remember when I used to read you The Diary of Anne Frank every night when you were just a little girl before I could not see anymore?’” Hanne dug back through her closet and found the well-worn copy of the book her grandmother had read to her as a bedtime story years before.

On a fluke, Flüvke entered passages from Diary into an online copycat detector and found that nearly every passage was flagged for plagiarism. “Everything I entered from my grandmother’s copy of The Diary of Anne Frank showed up as a copy from another book called The Diary of a Young Girl, also published in 1947. I didn’t know which one was the real one, so I called my local newspaper to help me find out.”

“The little child was right!” said Johannes Bleek, editor of Amsterdam’s Daily Chronicler. “Everything matched. I don’t know how people could have overlooked such a thing as this before! Perhaps they let it go since the story was so sad about the little girl.”

The Supreme Court of the Netherlands (Hoge Raad der Nederlanden) ruled last week that The Diary of Anne Frank was indeed directly sourced – without credit – from The Diary of A Young Girl, and that proper royalty payments owed to the Frank family would have to be recalculated. The Court also ruled that any unauthorized use of the former book would make violators liable for prosecution under international law.

“I didn’t want to start any troubles,” said Flüvke. “I just wanted to write a paper, so now I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll write about Justin Bieber if I made believe he was locked up in the attic and I rescued him, which I hope never happens to him someday because I want to marry him.”

Bleek published an editorial urging citizens to burn unauthorized copies of The Diary of Anne Frank in the town square. The date of the public book burning will be set after the editor secures the necessary public fire department permits.

Ohio High School Makes Female Students Dress ‘Slutty’ In Efforts To Teach Boys Better Manners

Posted on November 18, 2014 by Chip

OGBERG, Ohio –

Ogberg High has recently implemented a mandatory dress code that evoked several emotions, including confusion and disgust, among the citizens of Ogberg Ohio.

The midwest high school implemented a dress code in September that requires its female students to dress ‘immodestly’ at all times while on school grounds. School Officials say the purpose of the new dress code is to teach male students how to behave responsibly around women.

Josh Young, an appointed Ogberg High spokesperson, explained the new dress code. “The idea to have the girls dress like baby prostitutes originally came from our principal Larry Lackerstrom. He wanted to figure out a way to teach the boys to respect woman, and refrain from inappropriate behaviors.”

The dress code has obviously caused issues with several parents of Ogberg High Students. One mother transferred her daughter to another Ohio school after refusing to force her daughter to follow the mandatory dress code. The mother said “My daughter is morbidly obese, and is extremely uncomfortable wearing the type of clothing outlined in the schools official dress code. When I explained my daughter’s severe body image issues to Principal Lackerstrom, he had zero compassion, he told me that no exceptions would be made. She doesn’t want to wear cut off shorts and see-through shirts. There’d be so much to see!”

The Ogberg official dress code says that skirts must be at least 4 hands above the knee, crotchless rubber pants are allowed, fishnet stockings must be worn if wearing high heels – which themselves must be over 5 inches in height, half-tees can be worn as long as they are light-colored or white and see-through, 2-piece bathing suits are allowed, short shorts can be worn if they are paired with high socks, or any revealing costume purchased from Nip Slip, Ogberg’s local sex shop.

Principal Lackerstrom commented on what the results of the dress code have been thus far. “As you can imagine, we had a lot of sexual harassment issues the first few months, however we are working through these issues and have made a lot of progress in shaping these young boys into respectful young men. By the time they have graduated from this school, they will be so used to seeing half-naked girls that they will have no reason to even look twice out there in the real world.”

“Frankly, I love the new dress code,” said Miranda Carver, a Freshman at Ogberg High School. “Last year, in 8th grade, the boys didn’t notice me at all. I happened to have a decent growth spurt over last summer, so when this school year started, the new dress code really got me some notice, especially when I wear the see-through tops. My Friday nights are always full, now. Lots of things are full now, if you know what I mean.”

Wall, Ceiling Tiles Can Be ‘Scanned’ To Hear Past Conversations

Posted on October 12, 2014 by DvanL

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Thanks to revolutionary 4D technology developed by Prof. Marlene Cavanaugh at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, there are no longer any secrets.

Cavanaugh, Professor of Optical Sciences at MIT, uses a combination of electron microscopes and good old-fashioned catalog research to examine infinitesimal changes in fiber patterns within acoustic wall and ceiling tiles. Her teams microscopically examine and compare new tiles against used tiles. Depending upon the age, the depth of information revealed can reach back years, and in some cases, decades.

“’Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another,’” said Cavanaugh, quoting Albert Einstein. “That’s where we started. I got the idea when my lab was being remodeled. There was a period of time when the tiles were being replaced, and when the old ones were taken out, I could of course hear conversations that were taking place in the next lab before the new ones were put in. I wondered if the tiles could have absorbed some sort of energy, and if that energy could be tracked.”

Cavanaugh selected a team of students to research building records to find the lot numbers and factories that produced the building’s acoustic tiles. When a match was found, unused tiles were shipped to her lab at MIT and electronically scanned. Used tiles were also scanned and microscopic differences were revealed and converted into sound wave patters developed at one of MIT’s audio labs.

“The process is crude at this point, but we’re making progress,” she said. “Right now we have snippets of conversations, but it’s difficult to preserve the actual physical tiles once they’ve been scanned.”

Were there any secrets revealed by Prof. Cavanaugh and her team of audio-visual experts? She’s not telling. “What I will say is this,” said the Professor. “In this day and age where we’re all mindful of electronic footprints we leave behind, don’t forget that speech was the first advanced form of human communication. What hasn’t changed is that it’s important to remain aware of everything we say. Unless you see your neighbor buying an electron microscope and removing tiles from your walls or ceiling, you really don’t have much to worry about.”

Breed of Flying Spider Discovered in Central America

Posted on October 11, 2014 by DvanL

TOCOA, Honduras, Central America –

What’s worse – a fear of spiders, or a fear of flying? How about about a fear of flying spiders?

If you suffer from a fear of either, perhaps you may want to read this story with caution. A research team analyzing a dying breed of insect accidentally discovered what they call The tinea volanti, or for us laymen, the flying spider.

“It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen, but also the most fascinating,” said Prof. Althea Thoone, head researcher for The Smithsonian Institution’s Extinction Project. “We were in Honduras investigating the disappearance of Monarch butterflies,” explained Thoone, “when all of a sudden one of my researchers called me over to examine a spider variety she was unfamiliar with. I climbed over to where she was. We were on the side of a mountain. It was truly fascinating and amazing,” she explained.

The professor examined the spider and could not determine which variety of arachnid it was. As she went in for a closer look, what happened next sent shock waves buzzing through the insect community.

“It flew straight up and right into my face,” said Prof. Thoone. “It was startling and so fascinating! I was so shocked, I couldn’t speak. It took off like a hummingbird, with several of its legs vibrating at such a terrific speed, that it was nearly inaudible. Luckily, one of my colleagues was able to safely trap it in a net.”

The team also recovered a nearby nest of immature flying spiders that were preserved for future study. The ‘mother’ and ‘baby’ spiders are currently housed in a climate controlled insect lab in Washington. The full-grown arachnid measures in at almost 5 inches in length, not including the fore-stretched legs. It’s wingspan is an impressive 7 inches when fully opened for flight.

Several of Thoone’s colleagues, who have studied insects and bugs for most of their adult lives, were very happy with the discovery, even if several were a little disturbed by the idea of flying spiders.

“Of all the fears in the world, spiders are right up there for many people, even me, and I study creepy-crawlers for a living!” said Jennifer Charles, a colleague of Thoone’s. “I wasn’t in Honduras when they found the new species, but to be quite honest, when they brought them into the lab in Washington, I literally considered burning the entire building to the ground. They’re truly frightening, I tell you.”

The new tinea volante will be entered into a catalog designated for prospective new species. After a peer review, the spider – if it is of a unique and previously undiscovered variety – will be catalogued as a new entry into the exciting world of insects. Until then, Prof. Thoone is enjoying life in the limelight.

“All this attention – it’s fascinating! I’ve been researching insects and other threatened life forms for over 30 years, and you don’t expect this type of thing to happen. It’s like the holy grail of insect research. I made the cover of Bug & Beetle Quarterly, which is pretty big doin’s in our corner of the insect world! It was a 4-page spread. I’m overwhelmed!”

There’s talk about naming the new spider after Prof. Thoone. “They want to name it The Altheus Thoonicus,” said the professor, with tears in her eyes. “That would be so great, and so…fascinating,” she said.

USDA Warning: Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

Posted on October 4, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A joint statement released today from the USDA and the FDA discusses new information, based on several years of research, that proves that a gluten-free diet, done solely on a pretentious, bandwagon-style mentality, will give you cancer.

Researchers and medical staff at the Wyatt Institute in Clearwater, Michigan say that they have been working on the effects of a gluten-free diet on people who do not have Celiac Disease or other wheat and gluten allergies. According to reports, their discovery was ‘surprising.’

“We’ve known for many, many years that persons with Celiac Disease should have a gluten-free or extremely low-gluten diet,” said Dr. Marvin Sheer, of the Wyatt Institute. “Those people need to eat a special diet so as not to become extremely ill. Over the last few years, though, many people are jumping onto a ‘gluten-free’ diet bandwagon, because for some strange reason they think that gluten is bad for them. It’s not, by the way. Plus, it’s part of nearly everything that you eat.”

Gluten is a substance present in cereal grains, especially wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. It is found, in one shape or form, in everything from cereals to sliced bread, pastas, and even crackers.

“What our study concluded is that these people, who just decided to go ‘gluten-free’ because it’s the fad, or because they think it will help them lose weight, are not getting enough gluten in their diets. This, by the way, can already be an unhealthy option. But heck, wouldn’t you know it, we discovered that it also gives these people cancer – brain cancer, to be precise,” said Sheer.

“What happens is, these people, they stop eating gluten, because it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do. It’s hip. They read about going ‘gluten-free’ on Facebook, and they have to try it. After all, their friend Jeanne lost 2 pounds going gluten-free,” said Professor Charles DeWitt. “These poor people, though, when they go gluten-free just because everyone else is, they forget to use their brains, and the less you use your brain, the more likely you are to develop a cancer in it. If you’ve been gluten-free for more than 15 minutes, and you don’t have Celiac Disease, chances are you are on your way to having brain cancer as we speak.”

Dr. Sheer says that people with Celiac Disease have nothing to worry about, though.

“If you have an actual, medical reason that you should stay away from gluten, keep doing it. Our research shows that in your case, you are using your brain by following sound medical advice,” said Sheer. “If anything, not eating the gluten might make your brain more powerful. We’re still working on that study, though.”

Sheer suggests that anyone who is currently on a gluten-free diet unnecessarily to stop immediately, and to just ‘eat your damn food like a normal person’, especially if you’re out at a restaurant.

“You’ll make every waitress, cook, and other restaurant employees happier if you do, because I’ll just tell you this right now – it’s 100% impossible for a restaurant to cook you a gluten-free meal. Don’t be pretentious. Order that fried chicken, and enjoy. And don’t forget to tip!”

Gov’t Provides $600M Grant To Scientists Researching Natural Gas

Posted on September 28, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It was just another normal day in government spending this morning, when House members voted to pus through a $600 million dollar grant to help scientists research properties of natural gas. Dr. Issac Merda, professor of methane studies for the University of Kentucky, requested the grant almost 2 years ago. Dr. Merda says that he and his colleagues plan to study the truth behind the age-old adage ‘He Who Smelt It, Dealt It.’

“We have been working on this project for several years, and as of this summer we had run out of private funding,” said Dr. Merda. “We know it was going to happen, and at the end of 2012 I requested this grant from the government so that we could continue this extremely important scientific research.”

Dr. Merda and his partner, Professor Richard Teile, began their research in the fall of 2009, after a late-night Mexican bean burrito party with their lab employees got a little crazy.

“We were having a good time, eating some burritos and drinking a couple of beers, when in the middle of the laughter, Ol’ Ike let one rip – hard. He was right in the middle of pounding out a triple meat and cheese taquito, and although we all knew it was him, it was our friend Larry who smelt it first,” said Teile. “We all instantly stopped in our tracks. We knew it wasn’t Larry who nearly shat himself silly, so how was he the one who smelled the rancid stench before Dr. Merda? We all jumped to work instantly, knowing that it was a big deal, and that our research could change everything.”

“Oh man, it was really nasty smelling, too,” said Larry, the custodian in the science center at the University of Kentucky. “I happened to pass through, and was instantly like ‘Damn, who let that one go?’, and all the lab guys, they instantly got quiet. Then they all got really serious looks on their faces, and jumped right into work. It took me damn near a whole bottle of Febreeze to get that stank out, by the way.”

Merda says that they are very close to ‘cracking the code’ wide open, and that when they publish their results in the Journal of Scientific Discovery next spring, the world will be forever changed.

“The things that this little mishap has led to, discoveries and thoughts you can’t yet to imagine about human bodily functions in relation to their surroundings. It’s just going to boggle you’re mind,” said Merda. “This grant being pushed through will help us finally come to a completion of our study. $600 million will buy a lot of tacos, Coronas, and Goya beans.”

So far, the team is keeping a tight lip on their findings and research. As they continue to study the effects of smelling it versus dealing it out, there is currently no word on whether or not doing the crime really does correlate with making the rhyme.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary Drops The Word Gullible From 2015 Edition

Posted on September 18, 2014 by IHacklesworth

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Each year, the Merriam-Webster International Dictionary research teams carefully review new words that have been introduced to the American language in the previous year for the next edition of their highly regarded reference text, as well as following shifting meanings in old words. This year, several cultural shifts have caused some surprises.
“It is highly unusual for us to remove a word from future editions, but we are doing so for the 2015 edition,” said Merriam-Webster spokesperson Constance Reader. “To be sure, there are obsolete words that have remained, for instance widdershins, meaning to turn counter-clockwise, that lost its purpose centuries ago when reliable timepieces were invented. Another word that has gone out of use is cockalorum, meaning a little man with a high opinion of himself. And of course, there is the schoolboy jape, ‘Ain’t ain’t in the dictionary’, but of course it is in most modern dictionaries of the English and American language.”

“For an obsolete word to be expunged entirely, there must be sufficient reason,” she continued, “and in the case of one word in particular there is more than ample evidence of its impractical nature and,” she said, lowering her voice, “even evidence of the danger of the use of this word. Therefore, Merriam-Webster International will remove the word gullible from all future editions of our dictionary beginning with the 2015 printing.”

Reader explained that it was the consensus of the 2015 Edition Committee members that gullible be dropped to avoid any further misuses of the word such as those reported to the committee.

“Gullible’” Reader explained, “has a troubled history as an adjective due to the radical shifts of meaning of both the root word and its synonyms. The definitions of synonyms such as credulous, naive, overtrusting, overtrustful, easily deceived, easily taken in, exploitable, dupable, impressionable, unsuspecting, unsuspicious, unwary, ingenuous, innocent, inexperienced, unworldly, green, have all shifted in the past several years. In fact, there is an unconfirmed report of one new meaning for gullible is ‘capable of being gulled, as in the sentence ‘This beach is devoid of all wild fowl making it quite gullible.'”

“All of this has made the meaning of gullible completely unclear, rendering it unsuitable for personal, business and diplomatic communications. In today’s highly volatile world, you can imagine what may occur if gullible were to be used as a synonym of innocent, but was mistaken to mean capable of being gulled.”

Reader went on to say that a brand new word has been coined for 2015 by the committee in response to a the need for a word that would mean ‘appropriation or theft for publication of another person’s work’. The brand new word for 2015 is ‘plagiarism’.
“We believe that ‘plagiarism’ will quickly be adopted by English speakers in much the same way that Dublin theatre owner Richard Daly’s word ‘quiz’ was readily accepted by the public in 1791.”

Transgender Teacher Sues School Board; Wants To Share Bathroom With Children

Posted on September 2, 2014 by mike the inkman

MONTPELIER, Vermont –

A male-to-female transgender elementary school teacher is suing her school district after being denied access to the female bathroom facilities. Ronda McCracken, born Robert McCracken, a post-op third grade teacher for Montpelier Public Schools, has filed a civil suit claiming discrimination and emotional damages. Named in the suit are Montpelier Public Schools and Superintendent of Education Marshall Peterson.

“Until this year, Ronda McCracken was employed by Montpelier Public Schools under the name ‘Robert McCracken.’ Over the break, Mr. McCracken underwent gender reassignment surgery and reported in to last weeks Board of Education meeting as a female,” said Principal Richard Belding. “Being an equal opportunity employer, and in appreciation of McCracken’s years of service to the school system, Superintendent Peterson informed Ms. McCracken that Montpelier Schools would be glad to allow her to retain the position that she had previously held as a man. The one condition was that Ms. McCracken would refrain from using the women’s restrooms on school grounds. The Board felt that it would be more appropriate for Ms. McCracken to use the unisex restroom located in the teacher’s lounge. Ms. McCracken seemed to be fine with the decision initially, but later placed a call to the Superintendent stating that she felt she was being discriminated against. She was informed that, unfortunately, the Board could not see fit to reverse the decision for fear of public backlash. Ms. McCracken then filed suit against the Board.”

According to the Associated Press, when asked about the suit, Ms. McCracken had no problem sharing her opinion.

“I just felt like they [Montpelier Public Schools] were discriminating against me for something that was beyond my control. I was born a woman, I just had the wrong equipment. There is a long history of discrimination in this country, and I feel these people need to be held accountable for their bigoted actions. There is no reason, besides unwarranted prejudice, that a woman should not be allowed to use the restroom with other females.”

Some of the Montpelier parents had a different point of view. Carl Mitchum, father of two elementary age students in Montpelier Schools, shared his opinion with Empire News.

“Robert McCracken was born a man. All this gay and lesbian equal rights talk is fine by me, but at the same time, I don’t want a grown man winding up in a bathroom with my eight year old daughter. It’s not safe, and it is a precedent that we can not allow to be set.”

Other parents of children at the school were not nearly as kind in their opinions.

“I don’t want that freak in the bathroom with those poor girls. There is too much risk. If God had wanted a Ronda McCracken, then Ronda McCracken would have been born, not made by soulless doctors. She should have her teaching license pulled,” Said Michael Baxter, a local Baptist minister. “The Lord will not abide this type of sin.”

The suit is set to be heard before Circuit Judge Jasper Billings on the first of next month.

“I just hope this can all be resolved,” Ms. McCracken said. “Sure, I had a penis, and sure I’ve had sex with women, but that is no reason to keep me from being in the same bathroom as little girls. Maybe people don’t understand my lifestyle, but they don’t have to me so mean. The idea that we should tell our children what gender they are is outdated. These people are ignorant bigots. Maybe my vagina is man-made, and maybe I have different ideas about what turns me on, but maybe your daughters do, too. Maybe I can talk to them about it in the bathroom.”