Wendy’s Employee Kills Manager After Having Time Off Request Denied

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BROOKLYN, New York –

An employee at a Wendy’s location has been arrested after allegedly killing his boss when his time off request was denied.

Jerald Marques, 26, was arrested after another Wendy’s employee called 911 on Wednesday evening. The call, which was made to police around 6pm, recorded the voice of a frightened woman who was calling from inside the kitchen of the Wendy’s.

“Oh my God, my God! Jerald done killed the boss! He just killed the manager!” said the unknown caller. Police arrived on the scene to find Marques casually eating a cheeseburger in the dining room of the restaurant. He was reportedly covered in blood and mustard.

“I asked for Halloween off almost over two months ago, and that dumb muthafucka denied my request,” said Marques. “I wanted to take my baby girl out trick-or-treating, and he said I couldn’t. Well fuck him, I do what I wanna do.”

Marques was arrested and taken into custody. He is scheduled to be arraigned on Monday. He is charged with assault with a deadly weapon (metal spatula), and murder in the first degree.

Animal Breeder Successfully Joins Sloths With Kittens

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

A selective breeder from Kentucky has said that he has successfully combined the internet’s two most popular animals – the sloth and the cat – into one extremely cute animal.

“It took many years of genetic research, and plenty of time and effort,” said animal breeder Jeremy Richards. “Not to mention trying to entice a sloth to have sex with a cat. That was not easy. In the end, though, it’s all been worth it, because I’ve finally been able to breed a new animal, which I have dubbed the Slitten. Or, possible, the Cloth. I haven’t decided.”

Richards says he has been working on creating the “internet’s perfect animal” for the better part of 10 years.

“I’ve had success in the past combining rabbits and cats, cats and chickens, goats and beavers, all sorts of animals,” said Richards. “This is the first time, though, I was able to work with an exotic animal like a sloth.”

Richards says that he made the animal “purely for show,” and that he would not be selling them.

“I just want people to be able to admire them, but I don’t know their temperament or anything yet, so for now, they stay with me.”

‘Tales From The Crypt’ Reboot To Hit HBO In 2016

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A reboot of the extremely popular horror series from the 1990s, Tales From The Crypt, is being planned for production by HBO, and slated to be added to their lineup of shows for the winter lineup in 2016.

“Frankly, we didn’t know that this show had such a major fanbase, but they have been clamoring for new episodes ever since the show went off the air,” said Cryptkeeper voice John Kassir. “Frankly, we never would have stopped making the series at all, except we ran out of puns for the Cryptkeeper. If we could have come up with more on the spot, we would have kept the series going. We’ve had many years, though, to come up with more, and we’re ready.”

Kassir says that the new series will be all new episodes, not remakes of the previous, with the exception of some “fan favorites.”

“No one is saying which ones though, yet,” said Kassir.

Movie Theatre Collapses During Midnight Showing of ‘Rocky Horror’

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SANFORD, Michigan –

Tragedy befell over 150 people as an entire movie theatre auditorium collapsed during a midnight show of the popular cult flick The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The movie, which is the longest running theatrically released film in movie history, is played year-round throughout the country, usually at midnight shows. Halloween-time is especially popular for the film to be shown.

“It’s so sad, so unbelievably sad. I barely made it out alive, and most people did not,” said theatre manager Joe Goldsmith. “The film was barely getting started. We were only at the Time Warp scene. Unfortunately, that’s where a lot of the major audience participation begins.”

Moviegoers of the film are often dressed in costume as their favorite character, and the movie is an interactive experience. Line call-backs, throwing items around the auditorium, and dancing are not uncommon.

“It was just when they started doing the jumps to the left, and the steps to the right,” said Goldsmith. “On the first jump, the building shook a little. I noticed it, but I thought it was just the bass from the sound system. By the third jump to the left, though, the ceiling was crumbling. That final step to the right brought the whole place down.”

Goldsmith said that theatre was almost 120 years old, and the combination of the thumping sound system and the enthusaiastic movie-goers was too much.

“The whole entire theatre collapsed. Over 150 were trapped inside. It was horrible. There was rice and toast, and rolls of toilet paper scattered all over the debris,” said rescue worker Bill Silver. “It was a real mental mindfuck. But I can honestly say, it wasn’t nice.”

Woman Who Was Arrested For Masturbating With Sausage Dies In Prison

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana –

Last week, shopper Shaniqua Johnson was arrested for allegedly masturbating with a Jimmy Dean sausage inside of a Wal-Mart Super Center in Louisiana. The incident, which was reportedly caught on camera, prompted the arrest of Johnson, who was being held after it was found she was unable to make bail.

“Ms. Johnson, who was arrested for lewd acts and shoplifting late last week at a Wal-Mart location, was found dead this morning in her cell,” said Police Chief Richard Brown. “In an ironic turn of events, it appears that Ms. Johnson choked on a sausage that was part of her state-provided breakfast meal. The coroner will release his full findings after an autopsy.”

“It’s a shame, really. If she had just paid for those sausages before masturbating with them in the first place, she never would have been in jail,” said Wal-Mart store manager Ross Mitchell. “I almost feel somehow responsible for this, like maybe I shouldn’t have called the cops. I mean, it was just a $5 package of sausage. I could have written it off.”

Johnson, who would have been facing 3 years in prison for her crimes, will be buried in the state cemetery, as no living relatives could be located.

Lamar Odom Credits ‘Hookers, Cocaine’ For Saving His Marriage

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Lamar Odom, former LA Lakers basketball player, was rushed to a Los Vegas hospital last week after collapsing at one of Vegas’ many famous whorehouses. Reportedly spending almost $100,000 at the brother over several days, Odom collapsed after what doctors say was “too much cocaine” and “too many blowjobs.”

The silver lining for Odom, though, is that estranged wife, Khloe Kardashian, immediately rushed to his hospital bedside. According to anonymous sources at the hospital, she has yet to leave his side.

“Khloe has been sitting right there by Lamar’s bedside, and was patiently waiting for him to wake up,” said a nurse who asked not to be named. “The minute his eyes opened, she started crying, and said she’d never leave him.”

Despite Odom still having a long way to go to full recovery, including surgery to repair his kidneys, which are currently non-functioning, as well as lung issues, he reportedly credits “hookers and blow” for saving his marriage.

“If I wasn’t out there, snorting huge lines of crank of some hooker’s fat dumper, I would have never landed in the hospital, and Khloe and I might have never spoken again,” said Odom. “I am so glad that she is here by my side. Hookers and blow saved my motherfucking marriage!”

Actor From State Farm Insurance Commercials Killed By Wife Over Alleged Infidelity

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Justin Campbell, the actor who played the husband in the infamous “Jake From State Farm/State of Unrest” State Farm commercials, has reportedly been murdered in his home in Los Angeles. The alleged assailant, Campbell’s wife, Mary, has been taken into police custody.

“Justin was an amazing guy, and he was hilarious,” said an anonymous friend. “I’ve known him nearly 20 years. I don’t know why Mary would do such a thing. She is a sweet lady. I can’t imagine what happened in that house last night.”

“I used to catch him up all the time, talking on the phone in the middle of the night,” said Mary while being questioned by police. “He told me he was just talking to his agents, or working to get new roles. But I knew that it wasn’t the case. He was up talking to other women on the phone. That commercial he was in, that was true to life! It happened! I know it did! Typecasting! Typecasting!”

Campbell, who is best known for playing a husband taking advantage of State Farm Insurance Company’s 24-hour customer service hotline, but is accused by a nagging wife of talking to a phone sex operator, was also known for small roles in Hollywood films such as The Hurt Locker and The Naked Brothers Band: The Movie.

Reps for Campbell could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the family say that Campbell requested that he be buried in anything other than khakis.

Dehydrated Human Finger Found In Bag Of Jerky

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

A Texas man says that while eating a bag of Johnny Frank’s Jerky yesterday, he got more than he bargained for when he bit into what he says is a dehydrated human finger.

“It was pretty damn nasty, not gonna lie for a minute,” said Texas rancher Billy Bob Jones. “I didn’t notice how it looked at first, but damnit, when I bit into that finger, I knew something wasn’t right. Someone at the Johnny Frank’s is gonna pay.”

“We at JF’s Jerky pride ourselves on delivering a reputable, delicious product, and it would be very difficult, based on the way we manufacture our jerky, for a human finger to end up inside a bag,” said Johnny Frank spokesman Carl Lewis. “We are taking Mr. Jones’ statements very seriously, and are beginning an investigation into the matter.”

In the meantime, Lewis says that they will be offering Jones a replacement bag of jerky at no cost.

Walt Disney’s Cryogenically Frozen Body To Be ‘Thawed’ Next Year on 50-Year Anniversary Of Death

Posted on October 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

In 1966, one of the most famous men of the modern era passed away from lung cancer. Walt Disney is universally known for his animation and film studio, which over the years has provided many beloved children’s films.

When he died, Disney was one of the wealthiest men in the world. His final wishes were to have his body cryogenically frozen and placed in a vault underneath Cinderella’s castle in Disney World. According to his will, it was set to be kept there for 50 years, and at that point he wanted to be ‘thawed’ out.

“We have denied the rumors for many years, but it is true that Walt Disney had himself cryogenically frozen and placed under the castle,” said Walt Disney World president Marc Jacobs. “It was Mr. Disney’s wish that on the 50th anniversary of his death, we unfreeze him, and attempt to revive his body.”

According to Disney’s will, he chose the 50th anniversary of his death, because he believed that would be ample time for doctors to have cured lung cancer.

“Of course, sadly for him, Mr. Disney was wrong, and there is still no cure for cancer,” said Jacobs. “On the plus side, though, doctors have been able to do full lung transplants, so when we revive him, it’s possible that he could live with a new set of lungs. We have really high hopes that the procedure will be a success.”

The plan from the Walt Disney Company is to thaw Disney’s frozen body on December 15th, 2016, exactly 50 years since his death.

“We hav

KFC Chicken Farmer Says Company Forced Him To Raise ‘Mutated Birds’

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LINCOLN, Iowa –

An anonymous chicken farmer in Iowa has come forward this week, claiming that KFC, the world’s largest fast food chicken restaurant chain, has been paying him for years to raise “mutated chickens,” including ones that have multiple heads, extra legs, and some that have 6 or 7 wings.

“Years ago, a man came to visit me at my home, and asked if I wanted to raise chickens for KFC,” said the farmer, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I said ‘sure,’ and we settled on a specific payment that I’d like to not disclose. Anyway, some time went by, and the man came back. He brought with him a very odd type of feed, and told me to start giving it to the chickens.”

The farmer says that for the last 3 years, KFC has been paying him and delivering this “mystery feed,” which he says it what is causing all the mutations.

“They’re giving me little black pellets to feed the chickens, I don’t know what they are,” said the Farmer. “Curiously, though, neither the man who originally visited me, nor anyone else from KFC, has come to collect the mutated chickens. They do come and take the regular ones that I also raise, but the mutated ones just stay here until they die. I wish I knew more about their plans, but it seems that maybe they just want me to raise some fucked up looking chickens just for fun.”

KFC was not reached out to for comment.