‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ Breaks Box Office Records, Studio Announces Unprecedented 8 Sequels

Posted on August 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The new film Guardians of the Galaxy, based on a Marvel comic book about a group of rag-tag space-traveling misfits who join together to save the world, has broken numerous box office records since its release to theaters this past Friday, making it one of the highest-grossing films of all time, as well as one of the highest-grossing comic book films ever released. Executives for Marvel Studios, amazed at the film’s success, have already green-lit 8 sequels to the movie.

“We knew the movie would be a big summer hit with families, but we didn’t know that it was going to be this massive,” said Peter Dey, an executive at Marvel Studios. “No one even knew this comic book existed before we started releasing trailers for the movie. This proves how great marketing can really pack the butts in the seats.”

Even with its PG-13 rating for action, violence, and some crude-humor, theaters across the country were packed with children of all ages, many of whom were excited to see the film, despite not having ever read the comics.

“The previews looked good and funny,” said Brad Quill, age 9, who was seeing the movie in Los Angeles with his father. “I’ve never looked at the comics before. I am an Avengers fan more than anything. But this will do until we get another one of those movies.”

Despite not yet making back the $170 million dollars the film was budgeted, executives have already announced several sequels, and have been working with agents for all of the stars from the first film to get them to sign on for the next 8 films.

“We really want to make this a massive franchise. More movies, clothing, figures – you name it,” said Dey. “We need everyone to come back for the next movies, and we’re paying big money for them to do so.”

Insiders report that the studio is looking on spending almost $600 million dollars on the next film alone, with a reported $3 billion to be spent over the series as a whole.

The reviews for the film are almost universally amazing, another feat that is hard to pull off in this day-and-age, especially by a comic book film that doesn’t feature a main cast member that died before the film was released.

“Remember how bad X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Man of Steel were?” asked Dey. “This film is as good as those movies were bad. It will make you forget all about that atrocity of a Transformers movie you saw earlier this summer, that’s for sure.”

Marvel has said that the next GOTG film will be released in 2016, with another film following every 2 years after. The final film in the series will be released in July, 2030. Director James Gunn, known for absolutely nothing else before this major blockbuster of a film, has already signed on to continue with the series until it has ended.

Insane Clown Posse, Juggalos To Appeal Supreme Court Decision That Categorizes Them As Gang Members

Posted on August 4, 2014 by Rab

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a recent Supreme Court verdict, a judge upheld the decision made by the US Government that had declared “Juggalos,” super-fans of the musical group Insane Clown Posse, to be classified as gang members. Thousands of fans, who say that they are more of a “family” than a gang, are disgusted by this verdict.

The Insane Clown Posse, or ICP, have been making music together since 1985. With two platinum and five gold albums, they have a fan base in the hundreds of thousands.

“We always knew we would be huge woop woop,” ICP frontman Shaggy 2 Dope says. “It was just a matter of time before we made it big. This whole gang s*** is really getting us down. Just because we talk about this stuff all the time, it’s only about family. All the Juggalos and Juggalettes are my family, whether I know them or not. They would die for us, and kill for us, and we would do the same for them.”

The recent court ruling decided that anyone associated with the Juggalos are members of a gang.

“These Juggalos go around, talking about killing people and rape and they think that’s okay,” Says FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler. ” They do this all while being painted up like clowns and in large groups. Someone walking by overhears it and gets uncomfortable, it is a no brainer to me that this is gang-like behavior. Strength in numbers and what not.”

The Juggalo community is quite split on the decision, some have always looked at it as a gang, while others just look at it as a community.

“Woop woop, I don’t get why all dis s*** is being stirred over us mother f***ers. We just doing our thang WOOP WOOP.” Says Juggalo Curtis Brown, who goes by his ‘Juggalo Name’ Mizta Nut Busta. “I ain’t never f***in kill n***as, I just f***ing sing da shit dey sing woop woop. We’s a family and that’s it, none of us has ever killed n***as or f***ed s*** up fo’ no reason, we ain’t like that.”

Apparently, not all Juggalos are on the same page about what being a fan of ICP, and being a Juggalo itself, even means.

“Man we always been a gang. We ain’t never wanted nothing but to kill s*** and f*** s*** up. I just smoke mah weed, rock my faygo, and spray b****es with my sperm, woop woop,” Said ‘Masta-Bata 187,’ a Juggalo from Detroit.

In a stunning reaction to the ruling, hundreds of Juggalos and Juggaletes flooded the streets with signs and face paint, protesting the court ruling.

“I have never seen such a seemingly motley crew organize so quickly,” Says famous Anthropologist Napoleon Chagnon. “They seem like a variable hodgepodge of Mongoloids that don’t seem capable of doing anything but smoking pot and listening to bad music. I am not sure that this protest will help their cause, because they keep throwing out gang signs and their faces are all painted. It is pretty much just an excuse to get drunk and party in public with signs.”

As of the writing of this article, it is unclear whether representatives for ICP actually filed the appeal, or if they were too busy getting high and just thought they filed them.

MTV Announces New Programming; Channel To Air Music Videos Again

Posted on August 3, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

The television station MTV, which long ago was the voice of Music on television, has gone downhill since their heyday in the mid-to-late 80s. Where once they were known for playing the best music and great music videos, over time the station has steered away from music, and has become more known for their hit reality television shows. The Viacom-owned station has been garnering huge ratings over the past few years with show like The Jersey Shore and The Real World, shows that have nothing at all to do with music.

According to sources inside MTV, though, that is all going to change, and probably very soon. An as-yet-unnamed television company approached Viacom to purchase the trademarked name MTV, in hopes that they could actually use it to bring back the glory days of the network, and begin showing music videos once more.

With another company interested in starting a new network, using MTV’s original concept – and one that made them famous – executives for the network have begun to re-think their current strategy for programming.

According to a source close to the talks, MTV will again be playing music videos and music-related shows, toning down their reality programs to almost nil. Instead, those shows will begin airing on their own network, MTVDocs, which will have shows such as The Real World, Catfish, and more.

“We lost touch with who we are, and this attempted buy-out really opened our eyes” said the CEO of MTV Judy McGrath. “As everyone has already been informed, I am moving on to Amazon come October, but this project will be taken over by my successor, and I can promise everyone that we will be known for music videos once more.”

Ratings are expected to drop dramatically at first, but the company is optimistic that over time they will be back up. In a recent poll, kids and teens aged 11-19 actually had no idea that MTV once played music at all.

“I didn’t know that MTV stood for Music Television,” said Joey Goldsmith, a super-fan of MTV’s show Catfish. “I always just assumed the letters meant nothing. Kind of like how NBC doesn’t stand for anything. I don’t know. Either way, I’m glad they’re not getting rid of all the good shows! I’ll just watch Nev and Max on Catfish when they move over to the MTVDocs channel!”

Not all viewers are excited for the change, with many not interested at all in seeing music videos or music-related programming.

“This is complete bulls—! I want to see the world how it truly is, not how rappers throw their cheddar around and rock stars jump off stages,” said Aaron Silver, a 15-year-old from Mississippi. “If we can’t watch 16 year olds get pregnant and drunk people fight on the beach, how will we learn about American history?”

In related news, VH1 has said that they may consider playing music videos again as well, to which several people replied “Wait, VH1 is still a channel?”

Priscilla Presley To Release Nude Photos Of Herself And Elvis In Revised Autobiography

Posted on August 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MEMPHIS, Tennessee –

Early this morning Priscilla Presley, the 69 year-old widow of the one and only Elvis Presley, announced through her publicist, Catherine Rigsby, that she would be re-releasing her autobiography ‘Elvis And Me,’ to include several new chapters and never-before-seen photographs of her and The King.

“Priscilla felt as if she did not fulfill the desires of Elvis Presley fans with the first release of her autobiography ‘Elvis And Me’. After years of consideration, she has decided to re-release the already wonderfully written memoir with added stories and accounts of her life with Elvis.” Rigsby told a room of selected reporters.

In the original ‘Elvis and Me’, released in 1985 and written with ghostwriter Sandra Harmon, she told stories of how Elvis loved taking nude photos of the couple together with a Polaroid camera, many of which were of a pornographic nature. In their press conference this morning, Rigsby also announced that there would, indeed, be several of these “adult oriented” photographs published in the new release of her book.

“Along with a deeper look into their personal lives behind closed doors, [Priscilla] feels that it is the right thing to release these photos to the fans of Elvis Presley,” said Rigsby. “Many of the photographs will be included in a chapter of the book which is named ‘Elvis Didn’t Just Belong To Me, He Belonged To All Women.’ When she got to writing this portion of the book, she felt the only thing to do was to open up to the world and expose all, literally. She is very excited to offer the most loyal fans in the world this amazing opportunity.”

The book, titled ‘Elvis and Me: Exposed’ is slated to hit shelves on December 9th with 5,000 limited edition copies which will include another amazing, sacred gift for Elvis diehards – one free pass to tour the historic Graceland mansion, with VIP access, which includes a very rare opportunity for fans to go up the stairs and into Elvis’s sacred bedroom which has always been off-limits to public tours.

“Presley Enterprises have decided to offer this incredible VIP package for the consumers of the limited edition release of 5,000, which not only includes never before offered VIP access throughout Graceland and Elvis’s bedroom, but these copies of the book will also be bound by a gold-plated hardback cover and individually signed by Priscilla. They will also come with original, 8×10 photos that were signed by Elvis before he died, and uncovered during a recent cleaning of his personal belongings. We know the release of this material is sure to cause some controversy, but the story is finally being told by Priscilla the way she wants the world to hear it, completely uncensored. There will be a book signing tour once the second-edition is released. Release date for the second edition will be one week after the limited edition release date on December 16th.” Rigsby told the press.

Priscilla Presley, who did not attend the press conference, will make several television appearances in the week leading up to the limited-edition release date. There is also talk of the release of an Elvis album, featuring various live performances in 1955 and 1956 which are said to be enhanced to meet optimum listening standards, but official word on the album has not yet been released by Presley’s estate.

Jimmy Fallon Fired From The ‘Tonight Show’ After Feud With NBC Executives; Will Jay Leno Return?

Posted on July 30, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

In February of 2014, Jimmy Fallon’s debut of the Tonight Show on NBC’s network engaged 11.3 million viewers, making it the most viewed late-night show in years. Less than one year later, CEO of NBC Steve Burke announced today that Fallon’s inability to get along with his crew and the NBC executives has shockingly cost him his job as late night’s most coveted television host.

Earlier today in the announcement that seemed to shock the entire country, Burke explained that what viewers see on their televisions is the polar opposite of the man who Fallon was to the hard-working Tonight Show crew. There have been several rumors of verbal abuse and tantrums by Fallon, none of which anyone outside of the show seemed to believe. However, earlier this week, things apparently boiled over when Fallon was confronted by NBC executives Bob Greenblatt and Mark Lazarus.

“Out of respect to all involved in the ugly dispute, no details of the feud will be released publicly. We at NBC are as shocked as all of our loyal viewers. Ratings were higher than ever, it seemed like a match made in heaven from a viewer prospective, but what you did not see is the unprofessional demeanor which occurred behind the scenes.” Burke said, in an obviously shell-shocked and seemingly deflated manner.

Rumors began to circulate in just the past couple of weeks when it was uttered around the famed GE Building, which houses the new Tonight Show set, that Fallon had become extremely and verbally violent to his writing staff. One personal assistant, who asked to not to be named, told press members that Fallon had, on several occasions, said that she would be much more suited to ‘flip burgers at McDonald’s’ than to work for someone of his stature after she accidentally put mayonnaise on his sandwich instead of Miracle Whip. The story was buried by executives until others started to notice a change in Fallon’s demeanor. The writers’ meeting room, where Fallon met with his show writers every day, had become laden with several holes in the drywall due to Fallon’s explosive temper.

When Burke was asked about what happens next, he seemed as unsure as the stunned reporter that asked him.

“At this point, we have no idea who will replace Jimmy. We are still trying to soak in this terrible outcome. We simply do not have that answer.” Burke said. When asked about the chances Jay Leno returning, Burke simply replied, “I cannot answer that question. I cannot say its a possibility and I cannot say no. We never fathomed such events to transpire.”

His comments seemed to have led reporters to think that there would indeed be a meeting with Leno lined up. One reporter, Tanya Brown of the Hollywood Insider, asked Burke about the chances of Seth Myers stepping in for a sudden promotion.

“Such a promotion to an unproven, yet potentially brilliant late night talk show host, is very unlikely. We liked Seth where he is and intend to keep him there.” Burke said adamantly.

When asked about programming in the meantime, Burke commented that after this Friday, the show would go into rerun cycles. He also stated that NBC and Fallon had agreed to finish out the broadcasts for the week as if nothing at all has happened, and that there would be no on-air announcements or reactions, and that Fallon was bound by contract to not comment or even hint to the situation.

Justin Bieber to Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

Posted on July 29, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine set to hit the stands in October, Justin Bieber announced that he will be starring in the title role in the beloved classic musical, Annie, on Broadway next year.

Said the young music sensation, “I’m pretty stoked to take a break from the hip hop scene and do what I really love—show tunes.”

He also noted the parallels between the rags-to-riches character and his own shot to wealth and stardom. “Annie really inspired my journey,” he said. “And if she were a real person, I really think she’d be a belieber.”

Bieber revealed that the song, It’s a Hard Knock Life was the reason he chose to break into music to begin with, and even claims that from the moment his mom put in the old VHS during a family fun night, he became convinced that it gave birth to the hip-hop movement as we know it.

“If you think about it,” said Bieber, “hip-hop came from rap, an art form inspired by disenfranchised youth and life on the streets. People think being from a white Canadian family I don’t know about that. But I saw the great classic film Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Belieb me. I know.”

Aside from his elation at this career-changing opportunity, which he calls “a dream come true,” he can’t wait to “take a Lamborghini through Times Square at 120.”

At the close of the interview, Bieber stated that proceeds from the production will be donated to a support group for celebrities who have been defamed by the media.

“That’s right homies, the sun will come out tomorrow,” Bieber said, with a fist-bump to the chest. “The Biebs has got all ya’lls back.”

When asked if more gender-bending stage performances could be anticipated in the near future, he replied, “Right now I’m in talks with Alex Timbers to do Anne of Green Gables.”

Tickets go on sale August 1st, 2014.

‘Ghost Adventures’ Star Gets Fired, Reveals Disappointing Truth About Paranormal Television Series

Posted on July 28, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Aaron Goodwin has been fired from the Travel Channel television series Ghost Adventures, according to Travel Channel executive and spokesman Richard Roscolelli. Goodwin was fired from the series following a rant while being interviewed on a popular podcast. During the interview on the Are We Alone show hosted by Joshua Sweeney, Goodwin went on about an eight minute rant about how the Travel Channel took everything that was authentic and truly paranormal about the show and made a mockery of it by making the crew record its own voices in place of actual EVP’s (Electronic Voice Phenomena) when filming did not reveal enough evidence to satisfy producers.

During the two-hour podcast, Goodwin dished out the disappointing facts. It did not stop with the Travel Channel making them record their own EVP’s but he says they actually made them go back and film reactions of the crew so that they would act surprised when hearing things that did not actually occur.

“If we film all night long and came back with uneventful material, they actually make us go back, and act out scenes. It’s sickening really,” said an angry Goodwin. “This started off as a real thing, it is just not consistent and active enough for the big-shots at the network, so they basically have turned us into liars. We have been committing a fraud in my eyes and I’ve just about had enough.”

Co-stars of Goodwin, Zak Bagans and Nick Groff, have been unavailable for comment. Roscolelli says he expects the show to go on without Goodwin despite his efforts to ‘expose the truth.’

“We are not sure why he said what he said but it is all false. We suspect there may be a feud involving one, or both, of his co-stars, and what better way to get at them than attack the show?” Roscolelli said.

Ghost Adventures, which premiered October 17, 2008, just recently concluded its ninth season on July 12th. No plans or announcements have been made on when, or even if, there will be a tenth season. Some believe the show may have been cancelled, hence the statements made by Goodwin.

“Sounds to me like the show isn’t being renewed and its time to tell all for the crew,” said super-fan Hannah Belew. “It’s too bad. The show was fun. I think everyone watching knew it was faked anyway. Even people like me who really believe in ghosts and spirits know you can’t just walk into an old building, turn on some stupid night-vision cameras, and start seeing things. It was just good entertainment.”

Representatives for The Travel Channel were not available for further comment.

Seth Rogen, James Franco Taken Into Protective Custody Following Threats From North Korea Over New Movie

Posted on July 24, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FORT MEADE, Maryland –

Actors Seth Rogen and James Franco have been taken into protective custody by the NSA following a second formal letter from North Korea Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was sent to the White House regarding the upcoming Hollywood film The Interview. The action comedy portrays a fictional attempt by the CIA to assassinate Kim Jong-un, and stars Rogen and James Franco as a hapless TV film crew given the task to kill the leader.

North Korea has lodged the letter, which is the second thus far, to formally complain about the film. In the letter, officials from the National Defense Commission stated that the plot insults and undermines the leadership of Kim Jong-un and that they insist the film be prohibited from release by President Obama. Several threats were made in the first and second letters, and even resorted to racial slurs aimed at The President, along with threats of “retaliation” if the movie is released.

It remains unclear the exact reasons Rogen and Franco were taken into custody, but White House Press Secretary John Earnest briefly addressed what was originally thought to only be a rumor as true.

“I can confirm that Seth Rogen and James Franco were taken into custody as a result of the latest threats coming out of North Korea as a safety precaution, that is all that can be said about the matter at this time,” said Earnest. When asked if the movie, which is slated to be released October 10th, would still see the light of day he stated “I cannot comment on the dealings with the film studio at this time. I can say it is a particularly delicate situation, and all measures are being taken to protect all involved and resolve the issue in the appropriate fashion.”

Columbia Pictures, who is set to distribute the film, has not given any further information on the release, only saying that “As of now, The Interview is still set to be released in theaters across the United States October 10th. Obviously things are being worked out, what that entails is unknown at this time,” said Columbia Executive Amy Pascal.

Lindsay Lohan Blames Poor Life Decisions On Zsa Zsa Gabor

Posted on July 23, 2014 by Mange

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Once again in the news for having managed to last months without a drug arrest, Lindsay Lohan is fighting back against detractors by explaining that her crash-course career descent is the result of “really not paying enough attention to Zsa-Zsa Gabor,” and the steps the screen legend set for herself in Hollywood decades ago.

“I remember, ya know, being so star-struck with her glamour over Zsa Zsa, and how she didn’t pay attention things like social conventions,” said Lohan. “I just thought being young and hot and famous I couldn’t get arrested in Hollywood if I followed in her footsteps, but I kept getting arrested. Sooooo, I figured I had to keep trying to break laws and not get in trouble. I guess I’m not very good at this, huh?”

Lohan, who started in her career as a Disney protegé and made a name for herself acting in teen comedies like Mean Girls, is no stranger to controversy. Despite numerous arrests for driving under the influence, drug possession, driving with a suspended license, skipping bail, hit-and-run, assault, violating probation, failing drug tests, theft, and bio-weapons trafficking, the young actress is constantly trying to clean up her act, which she now attributes to an over-abundance of star-worship for her idol.

“I was so sure this was how to get famous, get people to notice me in Tinseltown. That is what they call Hollywood, right? I mean, anyways, this was a long road to get fame, but I think I’ve made everyone close to me proud of the effort I made to get here. It’s not just about acting and posing and dressing, sometimes fame and fortune really is about throwing a drink at someone’s head or letting other people put cocaine in my pockets.”

Lohan fanatics are at a loss to guess what the next arrestable offense she’ll come up with might be, but Vegas betting houses have been hungry to put odds on any offense they can come up with, regardless of how ridiculous or how many times LiLo has been arrested for it before.

“Remember that photo of her pouting over a plate of cocaine?” asked Vegas casino pit boss Franky Viggittolliotto. “We knew that one was coming. I guess from the size of that ski slope, me and the boys ain’t the only ones who bought new houses off that photo. Eh? Eh?”

The future, however, is uncertain for Lohan. As her legal penalties mount, her punishments will become more and more severe. The young celebrity may have to turn to plans that include a higher positive public profile, charity causes, or even beginning to act again in order to recover her slice of the limelight.

“I guess not getting arrested in Hollywood was a silly goal, but I did my best to live in the shadow Zsa Zsa left behind in this world,” Lohan mused, pausing before adding “Wait, Zsa Zsa is dead already, right? ”

Woman Sues Movie Theatre After 12-Year-Old Son Is Admitted To PG-13 Film

Posted on July 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A mother in Tulsa, Oklahoma is suing the local movie theatre after her 12-year-old son was allowed to purchase a ticket to a PG-13 film without her consent. Mary Lambert, whose son Joe is only 12, says that she dropped her son off at the movie theatre to see the PG-rated film Minions with his friends, but instead they went to see the PG-13 rated film Pixels.

“My son knows that he is not allowed to watch those adult films until next year, and don’t you worry, he’s being punished at home, for sure,” said Lambert. “But someone has to be to blame for letting him into that movie, and that fault lies on the movie theatre itself. These ratings were put into law for a reason, and they’ve broken that law. They are going to pay for the warped mind my son will now have after seeing such adult content.”

“The movie ratings system is not a law, and this woman has no case whatsoever,” said Joe Goldsmith, owner of the Magic Lantern Cinema in Tulsa. “The MPAA, the group that gives these films their ratings, they only created this system to keep people, namely parents, informed about the content. They are not passed into law. Anyone can come in and buy a ticket to see any movie they’d like whenever they like. Our theatre, as well as most, do try and not allow children under 17 into R-rated movies, but that is a policy of our theatre, not a law. Even if the film was NC-17, that’s not law, that’s just a thought.”

Goldsmith is correct in his description of how the ratings system works, but Lambert is not alone in assuming that the MPAA ratings system – G for General Audiences, PG for Parental Guidance Suggest, PG-13 for Parents Strongly Cautioned (May Contain Content Inappropriate for Children Under 13), R for Restricted (Must be 17 or Have A Parent With You in the Theatre) and NC-17 for No Children 17 or Under Allowed – are laws that the movie theatres must follow. Over 85% of movie theatres, both independent and chain-cinemas, follow the rules of not allowing children under 17 to R-rated films, but that’s pretty much the only area the rules are enforced.

“We don’t play NC-17 films, like most movie theatres,” said Goldsmith. “If we did ever play one, we would not let anyone under 18 into that, either. Again, though – not because it’s a law, but because we feel that’s the right thing to do for the parents of this community.”

Lambert has said that she will take the case to the supreme court if necessary, and force them to uphold the MPAA ratings.

“Why make these ratings if you’re not going to enforce what they stand for?” said Lambert. “Why should I have to monitor what my kid watches? Do I actually need to get out of the car, stand in line with him, buy the ticket, and hold his hand all the way into the theatre? My God, next they’ll suggest I actually just watch a movie with him. Obviously these people have no idea that parents just don’t have time to pay that much attention to their kids. I should just expect them to monitor his films for me. He’s 12 – he is not allowed to see PG-13 films. End of story.”

Lambert has brought her case to a local attorney who will be filing the suit against the Magic Lantern at the end of the week.