Woman At Walmart Arrested For Shoplifting; Police find $100 Worth Of Groceries In Her Vagina

Posted on March 6, 2015 by JP

PITTSTON, Pennsylvania –

A woman is facing charges and fines after being arrested Thursday evening at a Walmart store in Pittston, Pennsylvania. Police arrested and charged Holly Fray with grand theft after store employees said that they had seen her walking through the store, sticking food up her dress.

Officer Charles Langan of the Pittston PD said that Fray was given a full body search after she was handcuffed, and several oranges fell onto the floor between her legs.

“I thought she stuffed a bunch of things in her pants so I gave her a fast pat down, when I felt nothing and saw items begin to fall out of her pants, I knew something was up,” said Officer Langan. “A female officer was called in after Miss Fray was brought to the station, and a more thorough search was initiated.”

“They asked me to come do a full cavity search on a recently arrested shoplifter, which is very unusual,” said Officer Felicia Anne, a policewoman for over 10 years. “They told me that they thought she was holding groceries in her vagina, and I literally laughed out loud. They told me about the oranges and not feeling anything during the pat down, so I took her in the back and sure enough, we found nearly $100 worth of groceries inside of her vagina. A dozen eggs, bread, milk, a few more oranges, as well as a full porterhouse and a rack of bacon were in there, plus a lot more. I was shocked.”

Walmart’s store policy is to push for full prosecution on all shoplifters, but the store manager in Pittston says that the company found the entire situation so laughable, that they won’t be pressing charges on Fray. Walmart says the stolen items were returned to them by Pittston PD, and were able to be placed back on the shelves

3-Year-Old Boy Runs Into Grandmother’s Burning Apartment Complex, Saves Peppa Pig DVDs

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BUNSONTOWN, Indiana –

Three-Year-Old toddler Kain Harrison of Bunsontown, Indiana is being hailed as a hero after courageously running into a burning Woody Acres apartment complex to wake his 52-year-old grandmother, Sandra Clemens, who was asleep during the blaze.

Witnesses say the boy had been playing outside in the snow, building an igloo with three homeless men, when they noticed smoke pouring from the roof of the building in which he had been staying with his grandmother. Harrison had been staying at the home following his mother’s arrest for possession and intent to distribute heroin inside an elementary school.

Leroy Johnson, 62, one of the homeless men the boy had befriended, said that once everybody saw smoke and flames, they knew it was too late to run inside.

“I been on this here Earth for a long time, longer than I can remember, and I never seen anything like that in my damn life!” Johnson said. “That little Kain, I tell ya that boy is something else, you know like Batman or something. It is not normal. Anyway Lil K-Roo took off running and we just let him go. He ran inside, at this point the flames were flying out the damn windows, so we thought, well he is cooked.”

“Few minutes go by, and then I tell ya, by the grace of the good Lord up in the mountains, here he comes strutting out, an armful of DVDs,” said the other homeless man, Gary Shidder. “For real, he ran in there and got his damned ole Peppa Pig DVDs. That boy is something else, he derserves a Purple Heart or something ya know?” Johnson said as he remained engaged in describing the wild scene.

Police say that Clemens, who was a sound sleeper, was not able to make it out of the apartment, and was killed. The Peppa Pig DVDs were saved, and according to reports, still play fine.

Man Fakes His Own Death To Get Away From Nagging Wife

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In a story of resurrection and hope, Herbert Mancini, assumed dead for the past 10 years, has been found alive in New York. He claims to have faked his death in an attempt to escape the incessant nagging of his wife.

“We’re all so glad Herbert is alive,” said family spokesperson, patriarch Richard Mancini. “We knew he had it tough with Martha, but we never realized how bad it was. He put us through heartache and pain, and his two daughters both unsuccessfully attempted suicide after his ‘death’, but we appreciate why he had to do what he did.”

One of the two daughters, Sarah, made a statement from the hospital bed, where she lies, a vegetable.

“…..” she said. “… ….. ..”

Her sister, Roberta, translated her sentiments.

“She says she missed him. She’s very glad to finally have our father back, and wishes he had come back sooner. However, she wants to know why he didn’t just kill off mom, and save us all from her whininess.”

Martha Mancini, the unbearable nag that she is, told reporters that she had been waiting for his return, always having known he wasn’t really dead.

“I went on talking to him as if he was still there,” she explained. “I’d say, ‘Herbert, take the garbage out will ya.’ When he refused, I’d say, ‘Heeeerbeeeeeerrt, take the gaaaaahbage out, will ya.’ The garbage still hasn’t been taken out.”

Mancini himself has explained why he had to go to such great lengths.

“It was either kill her, kill myself, or pretend to be dead,” he told Empire News. “The first option was most appealing, but I don’t think I coulda got away with it. The second option was no good – I’da been dead. So I took the only one left open.”

He then went on to describe how it was to be back with his family.

“That first option’s seeming kinda good again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, you know. I really fucked up in returning. But it was hard living incognito all those years. My next funeral is scheduled for next week. Meantime, I’ll be in the Bahamas.”

Small, Gated Texas Community To End ‘Pizza Delivery Neutrality’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Basil LeVermin

HOUSTON, Texas –

The neighborhood of Comcast Trails near Houston, Texas has announced the adoption of an unusual new revenue scheme. They are calling it the Express Pizza Service, and it has some residents at odds as to whether it is good for anyone who lives there.

Empire News spoke to local man Dan Howard, who explained how the small community plans to make money using dedicated gates and lanes for each local pizza eatery.

“Before we began this process, I could order a pizza from Papa Johns, Domino’s, Double Dave’s, or any other small pizza delivery place, and they would all get there around the same time, because they use the same roads, same entrance to the neighborhood, and the same traffic lights,” Howard explained. “This concept is commonly referred to as ‘pizza delivery neutrality.’ However, my neighborhood wanted to become a gated community, so we requested bids from all the local pizza restaurants, and have reached a deal with Papa John’s to allow their drivers exclusive access to a special, new, faster entrance to the neighborhood. Domino’s drivers will have to pass through a different gate, slowing them slightly, but still allowing faster pizza delivery speeds than Double Dave’s, or any of the other local places, who will have to park their car outside of the neighborhood and carry the pizza into Comcast Trails community on foot.”

“We are very thrilled to be able to use the express lane to deliver to Comcast Trails community,” said Papa John’s spokesman Arnold Jones. “The folks in Comcast Trails are some of the fattest people in the country, and they eat more pizza per-household than anywhere else in the United States. Being able to get to them faster means they’re more likely to order from us than any other local establishment.”

Double Dave’s and other mom-and-pop pizza restaurants say it’s “completely unfair” that they are forced to walk into Comcast Trails when others get to use the fast lane.

“We can’t afford to pay the kind of money that Domino’s or Papa John’s can pay, leaving us in the dust,” said Double Dave’s spokesman Charles DeMar. “Basically, when someone orders from us in Comcast Trails, we’re going to have to really haul ass to make it to their house. It’s about a quarter of a mile from the gate to the closest house, so we’re expecting to be hiring a lot of very fit, young athletes to be delivery drivers from here on out.”

At press time, UPS and Federal Express were also engaged in a bidding war over exclusive access to the newly-proposed Express Delivery gates.

Woman Claims Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln Wants Her To Kill Justin Bieber, Other Celebs

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Louise Ballinger, a 49-year-old single woman who lives in an apartment in the building next door to The Peterson House, best known as the place President Abraham Lincoln was taken on April 15, 1865 and later died in after being shot at Ford’s Theatre just across the street, says that she is haunted every single night by the ghost of Lincoln, and that he tells her to do awful things.

“I consider myself a medium, and I choose to stay in touch with the deceased, which is why I moved as close as possible to the Peterson House in hopes of making contact with Abraham Lincoln,” Ballinger told Rochelle Pappas, a reporter from the Washington Daily Times. “Low and behold, I made contact with him and he began speaking to me every single night just before I go to sleep. But things took a terrifying turn when he started telling to kill various celebrities.”

It seems that good ole President Lincoln has beef with Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. “The thing I hear more than anything is ‘Kill Justin Bieber, kill him dead. The Beebs must go.'” Ballinger insisted. “Every now and then, he will name other celebs like Kim Kardashian and Nancy Grace. He really can’t stand Nancy Grace! Then again, who can?” the self proclaimed paranormal translation expert said.

Ballinger’s friends, family, and neighbors all believe she has gone mad, all except her 26-year-old son Patrick.

“People say my mom is crazy, yo but for real check it …I’ve seen old dude creepin’ up the hall in the middle of the night, ya know what I’m sayin? It ain’t no reflection or some whacked out shit like that, ya know what I mean? Shit’s for real, my dawg. Believe that,” he said.

Christian Bale Caught On ‘Batman V Superman’ Set, Says He Was ‘Looking For Imposter’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

“There’s an imposter in Gotham City. He claims to be me, he even wears the same suit as I do, but he is not me and he must be stopped.”

These were the grunted, barely audible words of former Batman star, Christian Bale, spoken while wandering around the set of much anticipated 2016 release, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, apparently looking for Ben Affleck.

Although disguised in the trademark cape and bat mask, cast and crew reportedly recognized Bale by the limp he affected for the last of The Dark Knight trilogy. Their suspicions were confirmed when at one point he called a child extra “God,” momentarily lapsing into the role of Moses, the character he played in Exodus: Gods and Kings.

Anne Hathaway, who recently returned with Bale from a cafe in Paris where they’d been living together, said that the transition has been hard for the celebrated actor.

“He’s not sure who he is right now,” Hathaway said. “Bruce never wanted to leave the vigilante life behind. It was the same after filming American Psycho, when he would roam the halls of Justin Theroux’s apartment block, naked and bloody with a chainsaw in his hands.”

When asked who she meant by Bruce, she responded, “Bruce? I said Christian, not Bruce. Who’s Bruce?”

According to director Zack Snyder, everyone is now used to Bale’s presence on set.

“He’s been hanging around for weeks now, struggling to identify the imposter. We’re all used to him. It’s always quite exciting when he holds one of the cast members up against the wall and demands information, sometimes tying them up with the rope he carries on his belt. What’s really weird though, is sometimes he throws on this horrible New York accent, and tried to get me to buy newspapers while singing and dancing. The man is a gas, but sometimes it’s just odd.”

According to production assistants on set, when Affleck was pointed out to Bale, the Dark Knight responded in his scratchy whisper, “You think you can fool me that easily? Only an idiot would believe that guy could pass for me.”

Daycare Owner Arrested After Being Caught Taking Naps With Children

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

OMAHA, Nebraska-

A local Omaha man is behind bars today, but is claiming that he did nothing wrong, and is being falsely accused of crimes he did not commit. Anthony Parks, 34, is a daycare provider in Omaha. Police arrested him early Wednesday morning after being receiving complaints by parents that he was ‘laying down’ with the children during their nap time.

Parks admitted to police that he was, in fact, taking naps with the children, but also claims he never had any un-natural motives behind laying with them.

“I’m just exhausted by the time their nap time rolls around,” Parks. “Have you ever watched after 14 3-year-olds? It’s not easy. The kids were all laying down for their nap one afternoon, and I was so run down, I just laid down with them. The nap, along with the whale noises I play from the white-noise machine I bought for the kids, really made me feel refreshed. So, I just started doing it every single day.”

Parents of the children are outraged by Parks’ actions, and say that none of them ever thought there was anything “funky” going on.

“It’s not like we thought he was laying there to get some sort of sexual pleasure out of it, being surrounded by a dozen toddlers,” said mother Mary Lambert, whose daughter Kathy, 2, frequents the daycare. “My God, I’d almost rather he were molesting them. That would be easier to understand. Years of therapy could fix that problem. The problem that couldn’t be fixed would be one of those kids waking up and running off because they’re not being supervised.”

Parks is speaking out against the accusations, and promises parents he had the whole thing under control and would never let one of his students get hurt.

“Everyone needs a nap once in a while, and it wasn’t a big deal,” said Parks. “I’m hoping that these parents understand that I’m not a very sound sleeper, so even the slightest little noise, and I would have darted right up.”

“I just can’t believe anything he says,” said Lambert. “Honestly, we all thought he was shady from the beginning. Not very often a man owns a daycare in the first place. Plus, that bushy mustache and glasses, and the fact that he drives a windowless van with clowns and balloons painted on it, it’s a little unnerving. But frankly, the kids loved him. Now I have to tell Kathy, every time she asks where Mr. Tony is, that she can’t see him anymore because he’s been a bad boy.”

Man Who Had Been Missing For 10 Years Found In Backyard Of Own Home

Posted on February 15, 2015 by katy_rev

SPRINGFIELD, Arizona –

Christopher Hollins, 29, who was missing for nearly 10 years, returned to his home in Springfield three days ago. The man was found naked in the backyard of his home. According to Hollins, he was being used as an object of medical experiments.

Hollins says that 10 years ago, while walking from his house to a shop, he was stopped by a mysterious person in a long coat. The person spoke with a mesmerizing voice, handed him a small pill, and persuaded to swallow it. Next thing Hollins remembers is waking up in an empty room with lots of lights.

“I spent ten years in this room, almost never getting out,” he says. “I was listening, though. Sometimes they thought I couldn’t hear them, but I did. They were designing robotic humans with artificial intelligence and they used me as a model. The whole of humankind is in danger!” Hollins thinks that he was kidnapped by a governmental organization, although he is not able to indicate the exact place where he was kept, but thinks it was for sure somewhere in Washington.

Hollins’ mother confessed her son used to be a great fan of science-fiction shows, especially Battlestar Galactica. He only watched one season of BSG and then disappeared, but doctors say it’s possible he got inspired by the series and believed people were really trying to create cylons – intelligent robots looking just like humans.

“It was a good show, yeah, and very convincing. For some time he thought I was a cylon,” said Mary Hollins, Christopher’s mother. “He definitely got really into it. I’m not going to lie – we looked for him went he went missing, but he was 19. Police didn’t care much about an ‘adult runaway.’ After a few weeks, we stopped looking. It was easier to pretend we had no son than it was to think we had a son who was a huge nerd.”

Doctors checked Hollins’s medical state, and concluded that he is generally fine, but believe that his entire story is completely fictional.

“From what we can tell, he was never out of the backyard at all, which is weird, because police would have normally checked there first,” said Dr. Honus Wagner. “At any rate, there is a small shed in the backyard of the Hollins’ home, and we think that Christopher probably just got himself locked in there, and survived by eating small rodents and neighborhood animals that wandered in. To be quite honest, it’s not as uncommon of a thing as you might think.”

“I’m just glad to be home,” said Christopher. “Is Battlestar Galactica still on?”

Girl Steals Ex-Boyfriend’s Sperm In Cheating Revenge Plot

Posted on February 15, 2015 by katy_rev

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A woman in Boston, Massachusetts says that she stole her boyfriend’s sperm after the couple had been having issues and she discovered he was cheating on her. She kept it, but not to get herself pregnant, as one might suspect.

Jessica Hedley and Colin Cross from Boston were a couple for three years. “I was so deeply in love all this time! But then I started noticing some things…Colin would come back home late, smelling of cheap perfumes,” said Hedley, 27. “Finally, I found a picture of some tramp showing off her cooter on his phone – some 18-year old bimbo wearing too much make up and not much else.”

The woman decided to take a revenge. She suspected Cross was actually not planning to get involved with the girl, but was just keeping what the internet refers to as a “side bitch.”

“I noticed he didn’t love her – I checked his phone when he wasn’t looking, I could see what he was saying. I even followed them out one time. She’s hot, but she was so terribly stupid. It was definitely all about sex,” said Hedley. “But this bitch seemed to have infatuated with my Colin. I followed her a few times, when she was by herself. I saw her shitty apartment in the ghetto. I figured she might be dreaming of a sudden change.”

Hedley says she first broke up with Colin, and then arranged a meeting with the other girl.

“She was surprised I wanted to meet. I told her Colin wanted to have a baby, but that I had fertility problems, and had just found out there was absolutely no chance of getting pregnant, and that he had dumped me because of it. Then I gave her some of his sperm that I’d been keeping on ice. I handed it to that skank, and told her to get it to the clinic and use it to get pregnant as soon as possible – because this is what Colin has been dreaming of for a long time. That dumb bitch believed every word, and went and turkey-basted herself into getting knocked up.”

Hedley says that she just wanted to make sure that Colin’s life was ruined forever.

“I thought of pretending to kill myself, and getting it blamed on him, like in Gone Girl,” said Hedley. “To be honest, no woman has that much time on her hands. Instead, I just got him strapped to some piece of ass he never even liked. Seems like a way more dirty thing to do, anyway.”

Dozens Of People Hospitalized With ‘Brain Worms’ After Eating Common Food Item

Posted on February 14, 2015 by katy_rev

MIAMI, Florida –

Three days ago the University of Miami Hospital received a patient with unusual symptoms. After conducting a series of medical examinations, doctors diagnosed the man with a unique form of ‘brain worms,’ similar in nature to that of a tapeworm that can be contracted from certain foods. Since that diagnosis, over one hundred more people have been hospitalized.

Peter Forney, a 44-year-old resident of Miami, began experiencing strong headaches last Wednesday. Both he and his family first suspected it was just a migraine, but within a few days, Peter’s behavior drastically changed.

“He started acting like an idiot. Peter is a clever man, but all his intelligence was gone. He was speaking with no sense, making bad jokes all the time. I thought he was taking drugs or something, but this constant headache was strange,” says Laura Forney, Peter’s wife. She called an ambulance after her husband peed on the carpet in their living room while laughing maniacally.

“A few hours after Mr Forney arrived to the hospital, we received many more patients with similar symptoms. All of them became more and more stupid as time went on, as if their brains were being eaten away,” said Dr. Robert Gacy of the Miami General Teaching Hospital. “After running a battery of tests we managed to make a diagnosis – the patients have live, tissue-eating worms inside of their brains. It seems the worms feed themselves with gray matter and damage the nervous system, causing violent outbursts, unstable behavior, and decreased intelligence.”

“The biggest problem right now is the risk of epidemic. More and more people are getting sick,” said CDC spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “We believe the worms are come from common food. Our patients live in different towns all around Florida. They didn’t dine in the same places, but clearly there is a link to their lifestyle. It has to be something popular and commonly available. We will find out. We can’t let our society get even dumber than it already is.”

Panic is spreading among residents of Florida and neighboring states, so much so that they are afraid to eat. Doctors say that they are able to remove and kill the worms if they are caught early on, but brain damage is not reversible. They warn people to not starve themselves totally, and that it would not be possible for the worms to come from things like candy or soda.

“If you’re going to eat, just eat a lot of unhealthy foods. These types of worms, they couldn’t come from jelly beans or Coca-Cola or potato chips or anything, so just enjoy those things until we find out what could be causing this,” said Goldsmith.