Woman Sues School After Homework Causes Daughter To Have Brain Aneurysm

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Maine –

A Maine woman, Joleene Marques, is suing her daughter’s school, Portland High School, after the teachers’ union decided to increase the amount of homework students were given from approximately 2 hours a night, to an ungodly 9 hours per night.

“Every class that my daughter Samantha had assigned her with hours of homework. She would get home from school at 3PM, and start homework immediately, and still wouldn’t finish until after 1AM every night,” said Marques. “It was crazy. It got so bad, I admit that I had to do some of the homework for her.”

On Monday evening, Samantha, 14, reportedly collapsed and died in her home after working on homework for over 9 straight hours. Doctors say she suffered a severe brain aneurysm. Mrs. Marques is now suing the school over their increase in homework, which she says caused the stress that killed her daughter.

“High school is already a sad, pathetic joke,” said Mrs. Marques. “It doesn’t teach you nearly any real-world skills. It’s just rote memorization of dates and times and a lot of, pardon my French, shit that doesn’t at all matter. They should be teaching kids useful information, but instead, they’re killing them, literally, with bullshit.”

Mrs. Marques says she has retained a lawyer, and will be seeking damages of $50 million from the school district.

Trump’s Plan To Secure Funds For Mexican Wall? Discontinue Food Stamp Program

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has been asked multiple times in the course of running for president how he plans on building a wall around Mexico to keep immigrants out of the United States. Normally, he says that he’ll “Make the Mexicans pay for it,” but in keeping with his long list of horrendous ideas, today he announced his official plan for making sure that we have secure borders.

“The only way that we can pay for something that will give us the safety and security we need, as well as keep jobs in this country, is by cutting spending somewhere else,” said Trump. “The biggest cuts we need to make are on the freeloaders and the scum in this country, so cut number one will be to the food stamp program. No more free handouts.”

According to Trump, he doesn’t just plan to make budget cuts to the program if elected, he plans to discontinue it all together.

“There’s no reason that people need these handouts from the government, and when I’m elected, they won’t be getting them anymore,” said Trump. “We need this money for other things. Better things. Bigger things. Solid walls need solid cash to be built. Instead of handouts, we get these people a job building the wall, and pay them for their time. No more handouts necessary.”

Trump is currently leading the Republican race, a highly disturbing fact that any conscious, thinking person should be terrified to hear.

Harper Lee Dies, Internet Assumed Author Passed Years Ago

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Harper Lee, the prolific author who wrote the classic novel To Kill a Mockinbird, died on Friday at the age of 89, according to her publisher.

Sadly, the internet generation took little notice, with most assuming that the author was long dead.

“I had to read that boring mess when I was in junior high school,” said high school senior Jordan Matthews on his Twitter. I assumed that he was long dead.”

“I don’t know who this Mr. Lee is, but apparently he’s dead now, ” said another twitter user. “I think he wrote that book about birds or something.”

Confusingly, most of the posts on Twitter referred to Lee as a man, because teenagers apparently have no concept of literature in this day and age.

“I’m glad that Harper Lee died, because now we probably won’t have to read that stupid book in class,” said Facebook user Miranda Lucas. “Ugh, books are stupid.”

Ted Cruz Admits He Was Zodiac Killer

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

What started as an internet meme and joke has become a startling reality, as Senator Ted Cruz, presidential hopeful, admitted today that he was, in fact, the Zodiac Killer.

“It was me who killed all those people in California in the late 60s and early 70s,” said Cruz to a room full of shocked reporters. “Yes, I know that I wasn’t actually born until 1970…or was I?”

Cryptic information not withstanding, the internet has run with the admission, and several conspiracy theory websites are in an uproar over the information.

“Obviously what happened is that Ted Cruz wins the election this year, and in his rise to power, he amassed a small fortune. He then used his powers and money to direct government agencies to build him a time machine that he then uses to go back and become the Zodiac Killer,” said conspiracy theorist Airi Shay. “Clearly it’s the only possible explanation. How else could a person who wasn’t even born kill all those people?”

Cruz, so far, has denied any allegations that he is a time traveler.

Internet To Shut Down On April 2nd For Routine Maintenance

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California –

The entire internet throughout the entire world will be shut down for routine maintenance on April 2nd, for what officials say will be approximately 12 hours.

“This is the first time we’ve had to do this since the internet was created, but approximately every 30 years or so, we need to take the entire internet offline for awhile so that we can make routine updates to the servers, wires, and networks,” said White House Technology Staffer Joe Goldsmith. “The US Government is working closely with private agencies in this country to make sure that all internet and bandwith meet a certain standard. Similar measures will be taking place throughout the rest of the world at the same time.”

According to Goldsmith, all major internet carriers will send out their own workers to update, replace, and generally tend to any issues or “holes” in their network. The repairs will be handled on an individual company basis, but that the government will oversee the entire project.

“We are extremely sorry for the issues, but all internet will be offline for just about half a day,” said Goldsmith. “This includes tablets, cell phones, computers, smart watches – literally anything that connects to the internet will not be able to connect for approximately 12 hours on April 2nd. We apologize for the inconvenience, but this will not happen again until the year 2050.”

Banks To Offer ‘Free Money Day’ On March 30th

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WALL STREET, New York –

After an extremely banner year in 2015, many major banks across the United States, including American Bank and TD Banknorth, are planning on offering a ‘free money day,’ where their customers can stop by any branch location and have an extra bit of cash deposited into their savings or checking account.

“Basically, most major banks had extremely an extremely good year last year. We make a lot of money off of people by imposing ridiculous, unnecessary fees, and we’d like to pay that back now,” said TD Bank CEO George Fulton. “I mean, $35 every day you’re overdrafted, it adds up, right? As an example, we took in over $250 million in bank fees last year. We love money, but we’re also happy to share that back with our great customers who paid it to us in the first place.”

Bank fees, which are a notorious pain in the ass for anyone who has ever had to deal with them, are the biggest gripe among customers of all banks nationwide. Fulton says that this is a way for banks to “save a little face,” and get customers to fall back in love with banks.

“Stop into your local branch of any bank, and you will be eligible for a deposit in your account from anywhere from $45 to $250,” said Fulton. “It’s as simple as that. No catch, no fees, no issues. Just ask, and you’ll receive the money.”

Fulton says that banks are choosing the amount to pay based on account history and fees paid in.

Federal Government To Impose 3 Marriage Limit

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a landmark decision, congress has ruled that citizens of the United States would be entitled to a maximum of 3 marriages, citing the excessive divorce rate that has burdened the nation.

“Plenty of people have gotten married multiple times, and it’s silly and absurd,” said congressman Joel Mitchell (R – Georgia). “Marriage should be a one-time-only event. You get married, and you stay with that person forever. I will admit that sometimes, marriages don’t work. I’ll even let someone get in a second marriage. It was the members of congress that voted, and set the limit at 3.”

According to Mitchell, the new law would not in anyway affect those that have had more than 3 marriages and are currently single, they just would no longer be able to get married again. For those people who are in the 4th or higher marriage, the union would become automatically annulled.

“We want people who are in marriages that are rocky to work things out, not just call it quits,” said Mitchell. “We hope that, in time, people understand that marriage isn’t a game, and that you can’t just walk out when the game gets tough.”

Red Cross Announces It Has ‘Too Much Blood,’ Asking For Volunteers To Take Some Back

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Red Cross, the company known for constantly being “in need” of blood, has announced for the first time ever that they actually have a surplus of red cells and plasma, and are looking for volunteers who may want to have a little extra blood added to their systems.

“For the first time in the history of our organization, we have too much blood,” said Red Cross spokesman Mary Lambert. “I’ve never seen anything like it. All those ‘in need’ campaigns worked, and people came out in droves. Couple that with less people needing transfusions, and we have too much blood. So much blood, in fact, that we’re giving it away!”

Lambert says that the Red Cross will be setting up stations in hospitals, American Legions, malls, and other areas that would normally be for blood donation, but will now be for giving back.

“If you’ve ever given blood before, you are welcome to come take some back for free,” said Lambert. “If it is your first time dealing with the Red Cross, then we ask for a small donation of $15, and we will supply you with up to one pint of fresh, warm plasma.”

New Confidential Report Reveals 9/11 Was An Accident, Not Terrorist Attack

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

New leaked documents that were retrieved by Anonymous hackers state that 9/11 was neither an inside job by the government nor a terrorist attack, but merely a coincidence of epic proportions. The text explains that multiple malfunctions caused two planes to crash into the Twin Towers in New York on September 11th, 2001, but that neither were hijacked or crashed on purpose.

“After through investigation, we have concluded that the planes that hit the World Trade Center at One World Plaza were both malfunctioning, and mechanical error is to blame,” stated the report, classified on September 14th, 2001. “[Named Redacted] has chosen to [redacted information] with the investigation, and that [redacted information] is the plan for release to public.”

Currently, the redacted information that was not in the reports is speculated to be discussing George W. Bush, and his decision to use the events to go to war in Iraq.

“It makes perfect sense that the government would take a terrible tragedy like that, and use it as a means to go to war for oil,” said Washington pundit Joe Goldsmith. “I mean, that’s exactly what happened anyway. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was pilot error, mechanical issues, or actual terrorists – our government used the crashes as an excuse for war; a war we’re still fighting, unnecessarily, 15 years later.”

American Psychiatric Association Qualifies Trump Endorsement As Mental Illness

Posted on February 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has announced today that after much deliberation, the group has decided to qualify the endorsement of Donald Trump for President as a legitimate medical and mental illness.

“We have interviewed many people who, as bewildering as it is, support Donald Trump for president,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Hastings University Research Facility. “After talking to these people, we see no visible signs of anyone physically forcing them to support or vote for Donald Trump, leading us to conclude that it is, indeed, a mental defect.”

The APA claims that although none of the candidates for president qualify as “amazing,” Trump scrapes so far along the bottom of the barrel that their only choice was to rule support as a mental handicap.

“Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is. He’s not PC, and he says what I’m thinking, and that’s the kind of man that I want to vote for,” said Johnny Rogers, of Houston, Texas. “You can’t keep America great when you’ve got a black Muslim in the White House. Trump will fix this nation.”

“That’s the kind of garbage that almost every one of the Trump supporters we talked to would say,” said Dr. Brown. “You can see yourself, from that statement, and surely from many others you’ve probably seen on social media and in the news, that it’s obvious anyone who thinks Donald Trump is a viable candidate should be classified as having a mental deficiency.”