Trevor Noah Blasted By Families Of Victims Of His Tweet Criticizing Israel

Posted on April 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

It’s been 3 days since Trevor Noah was announced as the new host of The Daily Show, and already he is in hot water. The relative newcomer to the international comedy scene has come under fire for potentially offensive comments he’s made on Twitter in the past, and now the families of the victims of his tweets are making their voices heard. In particular, a comment he made about Israel, that has been called anti-Semitic.

In June 2010, he wrote, “South Africans know how to recycle like israel [sic] knows how to be peaceful.”

The remark reportedly led to 12 deaths and 33 injuries, directly related to taking offense. A representative of the survivors and the victims’ families gave a brief press conference in which he announced their intention to pursue a class action lawsuit against the South African funnyman.

“The offended parties have expressed their disappointment in Comedy Central’s decision to employ a known offender,” Adv. Richard Goldman stated. “Not only is he a polarizing figure, Noah has shown that he is unrepentant by continuing to say things which may be deemed offensive by my clients.”

Sally Bernstein, who lost an arm due to another of the comedian’s Twitter controversies, says she will fight till the end, tooth and nail.

“Noah cannot get away with this,” she wrote on her blog, itakeoffense.com. “The world has already shown its prejudices against the Jewish state, by not taking him to the International Criminal Court. Now he is being glorified!”

But not all Jewish and Zionist organizations are in agreement with the reactionary storm. Josh Tucker, of Herzl High School in Johannesburg, stood up for the underfire personality.

“He came to our school,” said Tucker. “The Department of Informal Jewish Education (DIJE) invited him. He made Jewish jokes and we all laughed. Seriously, anyone who dies from a vaguely offensive tweet is purposely being killed off by evolution.”

Gay High School Kid Can’t Wait to be the Target of More Sophisticated Bigotry

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

JONESVILLE, Indiana –

Fifteen year old homosexual school goer, David Moore, is looking forward to leaving school in order to get away from the insults hurled at him daily by his classmates. Moore says he is tired of being called “faggot” and “cocksucker” and is ready for the more sophisticated discrimination he will face in the adult world.

“It really gets to me when kids tell me to stick a dick up my ass, or to be a real man. I’m growing up, and I just want to move on, into a world which tells me I can’t marry the person I love because it ruins the sanctity of the family.”

Moore told us that his teachers do not show their own rationally irrational discrimination, due to the fact that the kids are doing it for them.

“I wish they’d just get in on it. I don’t care that they don’t reprimand the other guys, but they could at least add some of the adult bigotry that I’m ready to face.”

He says that he is considering moving to Indiana, where he can be refused service by homophobic store owners according to the Freedom of Religion bill recently passed.

“They wouldn’t care that I’m only fifteen. They’d kick me out of there just like any other grown man. But my parents won’t allow it. They say I need to finish school before I get adult privileges.”

But Moore admitted that he does face some forms of so-called “internalized homophobia”, especially from the supposedly liberal students, most of whom are girls.

“They all want to be friends with me, just so they can say they have a gay best friend. It makes me feel like I’m finally getting there, when I face discrimination in the form of acceptance. It’s really sophisticated.”

4-Year-Old Prodigy Stuns World By Being Accepted To Yale

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

ROYAL OAK, Michigan –

A 4-year-old boy has stunned the world by becoming the youngest person ever to be admitted to Yale – or any other college. Hans Stensy of Michigan is being called a prodigy. Since his first birthday he has been a party trick for his parents, with his eloquent use of the English language, as well as groundbreaking literature theory. John and Nancy Stensy believe that Hans is ready to change the face of American higher education, and will allow him to skip regular schooling to get his bright future started.

“We’re very proud of our Hans,” Nancy told reporters. “He wows us every day with his knowledge of Tolstoy and Kafka, as well as his critiques of modern American poetry and disdain for J.K. Rowling.”

Empire News secured an exclusive interview with the child genius.

When did you realize you were special?

“From the moment of conception, my mental faculties exceeded that of the average American. Still, there was a long path ahead of me before I could actualize my abilities, and it was only at birth that I discovered other homo-sapiens existed.”

You’re so cute with those big words.

“I know not of an interview in which the interviewee has been told he is cute. I don’t appreciate it, and I am willing to get my mommy to take me home if it continues.”

Why literature? Why not mathematics, like the usual child prodigies?

“Mathematics is simple. All it requires is basic algorithms which, for most humans, appear incredibly difficult, yet are obvious to my intellect. Literature is art, and thus there are no correct answers, except that Shakespeare is overrated and that Dan Brown is a commercial whore.”

When did you have time to read so many books?

“I cannot explain the speed at which I read, as you probably know very little about the cognitive means with which words are processed.”

Do you have any inspirational words for future college applicants?

“Don’t give up. The smartest of you are hardly any better than the dumbest – it only seems so to your extremely limited capabilities.”

Hans will be at Yale from the beginning of next semester. He is expected to be carried to classes by fellow students who patronize him without knowing what that term means.

Burger King Admits They Are Source Of All McDonald’s Rumors, Urban Legends

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

JACKSONVILLE, Florida –

After years of speculation, Burger King have finally admitted to being behind every single rumor and urban legend denigrating rivals McDonald’s. The fast food franchise were under pressure to make the announcement, from a private detective McDonald’s hired to investigate the possibility. Percy Lupin discovered emails between employees on the creative side of the business, coming up with ridiculous but somehow believable defamation against their so-called #1 enemy.

“There’s loads of data, proving that Burger King thought up the legends,” said Lupin. “Even before the advent of email, they somehow used the service to communicate the rumor that earthworms are used in McDonald’s hamburgers.”

Further allegations, of using genetically mutated cows for example, are more recent. That hoax was spread via chain emails, along with photoshopped images of what were supposed to be big blobs of living cow.

Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Burger King, published the admission, along with a long-winded, grovelling apology.

“Yes, we did it,” he wrote. “We created all those horrible rumors and hoaxes. How else were we to rival the McD’s empire? I speak for myself and the whole franchise, in saying that we regret every moment of it… All of us are putting ourselves up for the greatest criticism, and some of us may commit suicide in the coming days, out of the immense shame we’ve caused ourselves. Please, McDonald’s, don’t sue us.”

McDonald’s have yet to release a public statement, but sources indicate that they are not going to let Burger King live this down.

“There’ll be an advertising campaign, that’s for sure,” Don Tripont, media expert, told reporters. “Also expected, are personal jabs at Burger King employees, from the highest level to the lowest. They’ll be accused of adultery, murder and rape, until their lives are ruined. The message will be clear: Don’t fuck with McDonald’s.”

Colorado Teens Injecting Marijuana To Get High

Posted on March 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a state where marijuana sales and use has only recently become legal, teens and young adults are already finding new ways of abusing the substance to get as high as quickly, and with as much strength, as possible. The new trend among teenage users is to actually inject marijuana in the same way someone would heroin or cocaine, shooting it directly into the bloodstream.

“I’ve been smoking weed for so long, it just doesn’t do the trick anymore.” Said Lucas Davis, a 20 year old from Boulder. “I went on to dabs, and then to other more potent versions of weed, just trying to get as high as [expletive], ya know? Nothing has worked as well as just shooting that [expletive] right into my arm.”

Doctors have already cautioned worried parents that if they aren’t quick to stop their kids from injecting marijuana, they may see an epidemic of young people addicted to the drug.

“These kids who inject, they are far, far more likely to become addicted to marijuana than someone who just smokes it.” Said Dr. Michael Raymond, a surgeon at Bridgeton Memorial Hospital just outsider Boulder. “Weed is an immensely addictive drug. Patients of ours who smoke marijuana have reported that they became addicted almost immediately upon trying it for the first time, and most have to go through months of drug rehabilitation before they kick their addiction – and that is just the people who smoke it. Kids who are shooting up marijuana, they are headed down a serious drug path.”

Despite warnings from doctors and other medical professionals, most teens say they aren’t worried about the repercussions of injecting marijuana.

“I don’t get the fuss with weed, man. It’s all about chilling out, maybe eating a box of Zebra Cakes and watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. It’s not like I have a real drug problem.” Said Derek Paul, a teenager from Aspen, Colorado. “Sure, I get paranoid when I’m high sometimes, but I stopped smoking and switched to banging [injecting] it because sometimes I’d cough so damn much when hitting the bong I thought my lungs were bleeding. This works better. It feels so [expletive] good to get high, you know? It feels really damn good.”

Worried parents in Colorado, as well as other parts of the country, have formed an online support group for people with children addicted to shooting up marijuana. The private Facebook group, Parents Against Marijuana Abuse, or PAMA, already has over 6,000 members.

“You have all really given me so much support through these troubled times in my son’s life.” Said Erin Silver, who posted to the group’s page. “My boy Marcus overdosed while shooting up marijuana, and he almost died. When I showed him all the parents on here, people from all over the country who were scared for their children’s lives, he quit his weed abuse cold turkey. He’s been off marijuana now for 2 weeks. I am so proud of him.”

“I’m not worried about what doctors say,” said Davis. “I just like the way it feels, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get the best high I can. Oh hey, have you seen my box of Bugles anywhere?”

U.S. Regulators Looking To Drop Legal Drinking Age From 21 To 12

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINTON, D.C. –

United States regulators have recently announced their plans to drop the legal drinking age from 21 to 12, citing the minimum-age drinking laws of other many other countries around the world, some of which are even lower.

“It’s really far, far too high of an age. Everyone knows that kids sneak alcohol long before they turn 21. We just want to make it legal for them to do so.” Said Congressman Alex Silver of Denver. “I let my 14 year old drink all the time at home. He’s perfectly fine, a straight-C+ student. You couldn’t ask for a better kid.”

Federal lawmakers have generally left it up to individual states to regulate their minimum age for drinking laws, but these new statutes would generally supersede most states’ laws, allowing pre-teens across the country to get their drink on.

“Ohmygod I cannot wait to do some shots, shots, shotshotshotshot shots with my friends!” Said Felisia Ann, a 16 year old from Concord, New Hampshire. “Normally I would just let some college dude get to second base with me behind the liquor store, and then he’d buy it for me. This is so much better. I’m super stoked that they’re looking to lower the age. I’ve gotta text my friends and let them know we will be able to stop drinking rubbing alcohol and cough syrup!”

Parents of young teens are naturally outraged at the government’s decision to step in and lower the drinking age.

“It would be one thing if they lowered it back to 18, like it used to be.” Said Cassie Jones, a mother of 3 teenage girls. “I’ve always thought there was no problem with it being 18. We let people go to Iraq and kill at 18, but they can’t drink? It’s absurd. But what’s even more absurd is Joe-Law thinking my kid should be allowed to drink at age 12. At that age they’re barely off the bottle as it is, and now they want to put a new bottle in their mouth? Please.”

Representative Sam Clemens, of Pennsylvania, disagrees.

“In France, Germany, Ireland – all over the world, kids are allowed to drink at an extremely young age.” Said Clemens. “Even younger than 12 in some cases, and those children, they will have a wine with dinner or a bottle of whisky instead of a juice box. Those countries don’t exactly have strikingly high rates of alcoholism, either. Well, maybe Ireland, but that’s obvious.”

Regardless of federal regulations, most parents have said that they will not be permitting their children to have any alcohol until they are much older.

“There is no way that my son is going to have any booze. He’s barely 14.” Said Joe Goldsmith, of Kentucky. “When I was 14, I couldn’t drink or my father would have taken a belt to my ass. So I did what most 14 year olds did, and I smoked a ton of weed. If my son wants to get high, that’s fine, but he’s certainly not going to be brown-bagging it with his friends on the weekends.”

“No matter what my parents say, if this law passes, I’m getting [expletive] smashed.” Said Ann. “I’m so excited for this. I was seriously like a half-step away from sleeping with guys just to get alcohol. This just changed all that. Now I can save myself for the right guy…or at least wait until I’m so blasted I can’t remember a thing.”

FCC Announces Closure; ‘People Don’t Need To Be Parented Anymore’

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) today shocked the American public by announcing its official closure. The reason, the regulatory agency said, is that they feel people no longer need to be “parented”. By June 2015, all departments within the commission will be shut down, ending over 80 years of public service.

Speculators believe that controversy over their recent net neutrality ruling has led to discontent within the agency, and a drastic drop in their faith in the direction the USA may be taking.

“Let’s be honest, Americans need someone to look after them. Now more than ever,” said analyst Roger Reed. “That being said, who wants to be in that unenviable role. When private companies are trying to take over the internet, and it’s all the FCC can do to stop them, it gets pretty depressing.”

The FCC’s commitment to net neutrality comes in response to fears that wealthy corporations will be able to use the internet to push their own needs to the top of the agenda, compromising the freedom of expression and equal ability to share that the current age has started to offer. And, indeed, it does seem that members of the FCC are irked about the uber-rich’s hunger for power over it.

“Those greedy motherfuckers,” one member was overheard saying. “They want our money, they want our jobs, and now they want our internet. Can you imagine where Grumpy Cat would be without net neutrality? No money hungry corporation would come up with that sort of genius.”

However, the FCC are sticking to their guns, insisting that America simply doesn’t need them any more.

“People are doing fine,” an official statement read. “They no longer need to be protected from themselves. Let them do what they want with their so-called ‘communications’. Let them treat the internet as a big wankfest for the 1%. I, I mean we, don’t care. I mean, we care, but we no longer need to. And that is all. Goodnight everybody.”

After Years As #1 Write-In Candidate, Mickey Mouse Announces Official Presidential Run

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Long touted as a possible presidential candidate, Mickey Mouse has finally announced that he’ll be running for the post in the 2016 elections. He is the second to officially make known his intentions for the campaign. Ted Cruz was the first, although many may fail to see the difference between the two candidates.

“Everyone has always spoken about a Mickey Mouse President,” said Mouse. “Now we can finally have one.”

Mouse stated that he’ll be campaigning to be both the Democrat and Republican frontrunner. This, he says, will continue a long tradition of having colloquially termed Mickey Mouse’s playing a part in the build-up of both parties’ campaigns.

“Everyone loves me – I’ve learned that in all my years at Disneyland. And although kids are sometimes scared of me, I’ve never told them that the world is on fire, which already puts me at an advantage over Ted [Cruz].”

Disneyland has released a statement in response to their long-serving mouse’s unexpected announcement.

“We are surprised but enthusiastic about Mickey’s new endeavor,” it read. “Mickey has been a staple of the Disney empire for many decades, and a presidential run will only contribute to his future position. Of course, everyone must remember that he is a trademark of The Walt Disney Company, and that will not change, even if he is to lead our illustrious nation.”

Mouse responded, saying, “I will always hold The Walt Disney Company in my heart – they placed a trademark label in there after all – but will not be a slave to them. When I am president, I will no longer have time for my duties there. It pains me to say it, but the government of the USA is slightly more important to Americans than Disney. When I am elected, I will ensure that Disney are paid out appropriate compensation for the termination of my never ending contract to them.”

Netanyahu Secures Election Victory, Ready To Resume Guessing What U.S. Wants

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

JERUSALEM, Israel –

Benjamin Netanyahu has been strongly criticised regarding statements he made immediately prior to the Israeli elections last week. He expressed definitively that the touted Two State Solution would not occur “on [his] watch”. Additionally, he warned right-wingers that Arabs were “coming out in droves” to vote, and that they must counter that; a statement that had not so subtle racist undertones.

But Netanyahu characteristically responded powerfully this week, in an apparent return to the status quo of saying just enough to appease the US government and keep up relations between the two nations. He swiftly denied he had abandoned the Two State Solution, despite recorded evidence of him having done so. He also apologized for being racist, saying “some of my best subjects are Arabs”.

Political analysts responded with an atypical disinterest to the Israeli Prime Minister’s remarks. According to them, the whole process was “tediously predictable”.

“Everyone knew he’d pander to right-winger in order to win essential votes to keep him in power,” said NBC’s Hunter Worthington. “Of course, he could not stand by those comments without drastically damaging Israeli-US relations, which let’s be honest – Israel needs us more than we need them.”

John Oliver, presenter of weekly HBO satire Last Week Tonight, was far more ebullient in his coverage of Netanyahu’s obvious political manoeuvring.

“If he gets away with this, he should be known as NetanyaHou-dini,” the British anchor said. Oliver is known to pull no punches, even when it comes to important US officials and allies, and more is expected from him on this front.

“I think we can expect John [Oliver] to mock Netanyahu’s future comments that he treasures his relationship with President Obama; his commitment to the safety of the Arab population in the Occupied Territories; as well as his assertions that he actually plans to work towards a peace that involves Palestinian statehood while opposing it in the UN.”

Early Voter Poll Shows There’s ‘No Way In Hell’ Ted Cruz Will Get Elected President

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Ted Cruz this week became the first politician to officially announce his candidacy as the Republican runner in the 2016 Presidential Elections. The unexpected move by the naively bigoted conservative, was greeted with disbelief and mocking on social media, with a Twitter hashtag #TedCruzCampainSlogan trending with thousands of sarcastic suggestions, including:

@snickerfritz04 Yes little children, the world is on fire – in reference to a comment he made to a scared young boy.

@Athiest_Tweeter A vote for me, means World War 3 – in reference to what would surely be disastrous xenophobic foreign policy decisions.

@JRheling RIP Science (1601 – 2017) – in reference to his belief in archaic Creationism which denies contemporary science.

An early poll revealed that voters are pretty much in line with the contempt shown on social media. 98% of 2 300 voters answered the question “Will Ted Cruz be Our Next President” with “No way in hell”. The remaining 2% voted “No, but I’ll give him a sympathy vote”.

Conspiracy theorists have taken the results of the poll to indicate that Cruz’s campaign is not a serious attempt to run for presidency. Rather, they posit that it is a plot by the Democratic Party to make the Republican campaigners seem ridiculous, thereby winning more votes while Cruz distracts voters with his insane rants and rhetoric.

“Clearly Obama’s behind this!!!” wrote dickweed21 on a Reddit thread. “Who the fuck is Ted Cruz anyway? This is exactly like 2012, when they put up Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Rick fucking Santorum as the runners.”

Hundreds of other users agreed, pointing out that for the 2008 elections, Sarah Palin was just the person to put off potential voters for John McCain.

“Seriously, who in their right mind would make Sarah Palin their vice president?” said one user. “Sarah Palin! The definition of blonde bimbo – she probably started the stereotype!”

Anonymous sources from the Democratic Party denied the claims, although stated that “the Republicans do a good enough job of shooting themselves in the foot without our help. There campaign videos are hilarious disasters – that shit can’t be staged.”