Congress Passes Law Banning Pit Bull Ownership After Another Attack, Death

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Two tragic incidents in the past month have led to a bill being passed by Congress criminalizing ownership of pit bulls. The drastic move comes after a West Virginia native was attacked and killed by a pit bull as he tried to resuscitate the dog’s dying owner. Both men were pronounced dead on arrival at the local hospital.

“It’s a tragedy that could have been avoided, no doubt,” said Chief of Police, John Stamson. “We’ve seen time and again that ownership of dangerous animals leads to these kinds of incidents, and it’s about time something was done to stop it.”

In February, a 2-year-old girl in Pittsburgh was killed by the same aggressive breed.

“It’s unconscionable to say that there should be no laws pertaining to these beasts,” said Congressman Bill Flambert. “I myself own a dog – a beautiful black lab named Tubby – and I know that they become part of the family, and the feelings of current owners should be taken into account. But to say that they’re ‘gentle and harmless’ as most owners do, is just blurring reality. Just as a dangerous family member needs to be incarcerated, it’s time pit bulls were removed from suburbia.”

The Pit Bull Owners Association of the US hit back at the new law, saying that unfair media prejudice is to blame for a misperception of their breed.

“Most pit bulls are no more dangerous than any other dogs,” said chairperson Robert Foundling. “Yes, occasionally a formerly gentle specimen goes apeshit and kills a toddler, another dog, or sometimes a feeble adult, but it’s the exception not the rule. I understand people are attached to their toddlers, but that can’t mean any threat to their wellbeing is dismissed or euthanized. Soon they’ll be outlawing cars in suburbia, because of the rare occasion that someone backs over a kid playing in a driver.”

Flambert responded that the Pit Bull Owners Association members are “missing the point.”

“The dogs have the words ‘pit’ and ‘bull’ in their name, for fuck’s sake. What more evidence do you need that they pose a drastic danger that is far beyond that of a chihuahua or a Bichon Frisé?!”

The Pit Bull Owners Association say that they will fight the new law, or be forced to take every single Pit Bull and move to Canada.

Ferguson Police Chief Denies Charges Of Racism, Claims ‘White Criminals Don’t Exist’

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Ever since the police shooting of Michael Brown in 2014, Ferguson, Missouri has become the site of heightened racial tensions and brought issues of color and privilege back into the spotlight. But the mostly white police force responsible for the death of the 18-year-old deny that they are racists, or that they have even subtle biases or prejudices. Rather, their explanation for the disproportionate amount of African-Americans being routinely stopped and held under suspicion, is that white criminals simply don’t exist.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said police chief Thomas Jackson. “Of course the force is mostly white. Of course we stop and search only African-Americans. And when an unarmed teen is shot by one of our officers, there’s no chance he’s gonna be white. But that’s not based on prejudice. Why would we search white Americans when we know that they’re not responsible for any crimes?”

Reporters asked Jackson how he could be sure white people weren’t responsible for crimes if they were never investigated.

“Why would we investigate them? That’s exactly what I’m asking! Since we know they don’t do bad things, there’s no reason to do so. It would just inconvenience innocent upstanding citizens.”

Reporters brought high profile examples of white convicts, such as James Holmes, who infamously shot and killed 13 moviegoers in an Aurora, Colorado cinema.

“But of course!” Jackson responded. “Movies aren’t real obviously. They’re there to show us things that we’d never see in real life – that’s why we go watch them. A white shooter in a cinema? Those definitely abound, but only because it never happens in real America.”

At press time, journalists and activists had given up on the police chief, stating that it’s pointless talking racism with someone who believes everything he thinks is true.

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Michelle Obama has made a name for herself as a particularly active and community-oriented first lady. Now the mastermind between the Healthy Eating Act is taking her public relations a step further. She has announced that she will be posing fully nude in an upcoming Playboy centerfold.

“Women’s issues are always at the top of my agenda,” she stated in an open letter to the public. “Something that has plagued modern day females is expectations of modesty and shame about how they look. While women such as Lena Dunham have done their bit to change the norms of girls being ashamed to show their ‘societally imperfect’ bodies, the First Lady appearing naked will make body pride all the more normal.”

President Obama has expressed his support and delight at his wife’s announcement.

“Michelle is a very sexy lady. She should have the privilege that any other woman has, to show the sides of herself that she chooses,” he told the press. “The First Lady has the right to bare arms. And legs. And thighs, and breasts.”

Conservative radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has used his platform to bemoan what he calls “proof that liberals are bringing on the Apocalypse.”

“First, they took over Hollywood and practically turned acting into nothing more than pornography,” he raged. “Now they are going way too far. The First Lady should be a role model, not a Playboy model. What about the children? Has she forgotten about the children?”

But not all conservatives feel the same way. Republican senator Mitch Mcconnell has voiced his approval at the groundbreaking news.

“I think it’s sweet,” he wrote on his blog, ‘Republican Matters’. “Michelle is a close friend of mine, and I’ve always thought she’d look good in the buff. If anything, it’s a travesty she’s kept her body from us this long. The First Lady belongs to the people, and the people have spoken. It is time to see Michelle Obama’s lady bits.”

New Mexico Crematorium Found To Be Giving Families Grilled Steak Char In Place Of Ashes

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CARLSBAD, New Mexico –

Staff of a crematorium in New Mexico have admitted to giving hundreds of grieving families the charred remains of barbecue, instead of their loved one’s ashes. The fraud was first discovered when a certain mourner opened the jar containing supposed human remains and smelled a strong odor of grilled steak.

“It was a harrowing experience,” said James Innet. “I thought that my Martha was in there, but what I found was the ashes of a very different type of cow.”

Innet would not reveal why he had opened the jar in the first place, discovering what scores of others never would have.

When the true destination of the corpses received at the crematorium was investigated, it was revealed that they were sold as novelty items to the rich and eccentric.

“People love our service,” said salesmen Jose Hernandez. “They take the bodies home to show their friends, put them on display, that sort of thing. They aren’t worried about laws, because these people are rich. They do not know the rules, and do not care.”

The discovery may explain the latest trend started by Better Homes and Gardens magazine, which advises readers to set up recently deceased corpses in the entryways of their houses in order to improve the feng shui, and impress visitors.

“You may have a deer head on your wall,” the latest edition read. “Why not add a human head to your collection? It hurts no one, and will show your readiness to try new things. What’s more, it costs a fortune which you can repeatedly tell your friends!”

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress ‘Just To Piss Off Republicans’

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In the latest round of exchanged animosities between the Republican and Democratic Parties, Barack Obama has officially invited Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, to speak before Congress. The news comes in the wake of House Speaker, John Boehner, inviting Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak in what is usually considered a ‘sacred’, constitutionally defended forum.

“We think it’s only appropriate that President Rouhani gets the same opportunity as Netanyahu,” Obama told a press conference. “After all, Netanyahu’s speech was designed as a defamation of Rouhani’s country. Also, we happen to know that the Republicans will hate this. Two can play at this game.”

Political experts around the country have been frantically throwing their opinions at our reporters.

“Get ready for a fight night like never before!” said Rita Harlow. “I expect Boehner and Obama to get physical this time around.”

“Rouhani is gonna blow those Republicans away,” Noel Reed told us. “Not literally – I mean, not with a nuclear bomb or anything. I mean, oh God, I didn’t mean… I don’t know anything I promise!”

Congress has already been likened this week to a ‘high school’, a ‘neighborhood watch meeting’, and a ‘parents-teachers AGM’. The Republican invitation to Netanyahu – which was kept secret until all plans were finalised – was an unprecedented breach of protocol. All the more so, since Netanyahu’s agenda was apparent – as the speech coincided with the upcoming Israeli elections.

“We’re organizing new elections in Iran,” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “Our move has to be just as petty as theirs. Otherwise, they still have one up on us. Which is entirely unacceptable when dealing with petty politics.”

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, for his part, has thanked the Democratic Party for inviting him to speak before Congress. Although his gracious acceptance did have one caveat.

“I’m delighted to have the opportunity to speak to Congress,” he said. “However, I want to ensure that no partisan politics are reflected in the decision. Otherwise, no deal. I will not compromise the stature of Iranian Democracy for the petty infighting of US politics.”

Airline Passenger Arrested After Causing Panic, Chaos During Flight

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tragedy struck as chaos ensued aboard a flight from Los Angeles bound for New York last week when one man learned where free speech ends and endangering the safety of others begins.

The classic example of “shouting Fire! In a crowded theater” describes a situation in which one’s freedom of speech is limited to prevent unnecessary panic and disaster. Toward the end of the flight, a 24-year-old man looking for amusement shouted clearly: “Tacos! Check out the free tacos!”

Immediately the plane erupted into a clamor of yelling, panic, and frustration, as passengers left their seats and began frantically searching the plane for free tacos. The pilot, co-pilot, and flight attendants, all also rushed to search for the tacos, leaving the plane completely unattended. The man’s identity remains anonymous for his protection.

The shouter’s friend, who was sitting next to him at the time, told police that he tried to diffuse the situation, but frenzy had already consumed the flight. The plane eventually flew past its destination and crashed into the ocean, killing 3, and wounding 7 before help could arrive.

The man was convicted to only one month of prison, but was forced to buy each passenger a year supply of tacos from their store or chain of choice, and may serve up to ten years on taco probation, banning him from every Taco Bell and Fajita Grill in the country.

“It sucks for the people that died, but we got free tacos, so it’s pretty cool,” one passenger commented. “I hope this teaches him a lesson on how powerful words can be.”

Man Electrocuted, Dies While Smoking E-Cigarette

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Michael Del, a 34 year old construction worker from Boston, Massachusetts, was killed early last Wednesday as the e-cigarette he was smoking sent a jolt of electricity through his body, knocking him unconscious. Del, who was on a lunch break while working an overnight on job site in Cambridge, had reportedly been using the e-cigarettes to help quit smoking, a habit he had for nearly 20 years. He was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital where doctors were unable to revive him. They pronounced him dead at 7:18AM.

“Michael started smoking really young. It was my fault. I smoked around him all the time, and left cigarettes laying around,” Said Charmaine Del, Michael’s mother. “He had decided he wanted to quit. We both did, and we heard the e-cigs were a good way to help. So I bought us both one to get started. He’d only been using it for about a week.”

Reports from the hospital were that Del had been using his e-cigarette while it was plugged into his truck, charging. E-cigarettets are small, pen-sized items that contain internal batteries, and smokers can add nicotine-infused flavor ‘cartridges’ into them. Just like a cell phone, the batteries can be charged, and most e-cigarettes come with USB charger similar to that of a phone.

The instructions for most e-cigarettes that have chargers insist that you do not try to use them while charging, but like most men Del apparently skipped the directions and opted to just try and figure out how they worked using trial-and-error. Unfortunately for him, the warnings posted on the package for this product were extremely important.

A representative for Black, INC., the manufacturer of the e-cigarette Del had purchased, released a statement expressing their condolences.

“We at Black are extremely saddened to learn that one of our products has caused the death of a customer. We are terribly sorry, as these unfortunate events are never easy for anyone. We send or deepest sympathies to his family. As this is the first such death from e-cigarettes though, we’d like to remind people that we’re still doing far better than Big Tobacco, whose death toll is in the millions.”

E-cigarettes have been a continued source of controversy since they first launched only a few short years ago, and the debate about their safety in comparison to a traditional cigarette has caused a stir in the medical community. This is the first death caused by e-cigarettes since their widespread use began in 2003.

Obama Signs Bill Forgiving All Student Loan Debt

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may now be off the hook for their education costs. President Obama signed a new federal bill this week releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt because of the high interest rates and outrageous balances caused by college loans.

“Any student, past or present, who has taken loans from the federal government within the last 10 years to pay for higher education, will no longer be required to pay back those loans.” Said President Obama. “This forgiveness also is to be extended to any student currently enrolled in college, who may need financial assistance for the next several years as they finish their degrees.”

The idea of student loan forgiveness has been in the news for several years now, as students are forced year-after-year to leave school due to crippling costs of a higher education in the US. With most students not able to afford any facet of college without loans, the government has given out nearly $1 trillion dollars to those seeking a form of higher education. Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation.” Said Obama. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and to give them some hope that they can and will receive their degrees, and they can work towards a future for themselves and their families, and not just a future of paying back debt.”

Although the bill was signed on Thursday afternoon in a live press conference, the forgiveness of loans will not begin until the end of 2016 at which point current and former students will begin to see interest and repayment amounts dwindle automatically, eventually leaving everyone with a complete zero-dollar balance.

Even while the government has decided to forgive loans from the public sector, private held companies such as Sallie Mae, the leading lender for higher education, still has sky-high interest rates and non-budging repayment schedules. With close to $1 billion in net income every year, Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in not pursuing every possible avenue to squeeze every penny we can out of our borrowers.” Said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Education is important to us, but paying back your loans are what we care about. We aren’t loan sharks, we aren’t going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay, as much as we would like to…[But] you can bet we love making all that sweet, sweet high-interest rate cash.”

Students who are currently making payments or have defaulted on their loans can expect to receive a packet letter within the next 3 to 4 months detailing how their assistance loans will be forgiven and what percentage, if any, will be left owed to private companies and firms.

New Wave of Emo Teens Paint Rooms in Bright Pink in Order to Defy Convention

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNITED STATES –

For time immemorial, gloomy teenagers have represented their isolation with heavy use of the color black. What the current generation calls “emo kids” have been no exception to the rule. They dye their hair dark black, wear black clothing, and even use copious amounts of black eyeliner and nail polish.

It is exactly the long-running convention of this trend that today’s emo generation is starting to turn against. In research conducted by the Childhood Development Agency (CDA), data has emerged that more and more angry teens are painting their rooms bright pink.

“We … defy… modern society… the man,” mumbled one such child. “Our parents expectations of us don’t matter! We’ll paint our rooms whatever color we want!”

“As long as it’s not black,” interjected another teen. “That’s so conformist. No lonely and creative teen has ever painted their room pink before.”

While the changing trend has been a great boon for colored paint, black paint itself admitted to having a mountain ahead of it to climb.

“When I got into this, my aim was to not conform to other paints’ ideas of beauty,” said black paint. “I would not be like those happy-clappy types who don’t know anything about meaning in life or existentialism. Now the kids think that I’ve sold out. Well, I haven’t, and I won’t give up my perch as the harbinger of sorrow that easily.”

Parents of teens joining the pink paint craze have reacted with pleasant surprise, mostly indicating that the house has brightened and the angst created by the darkness has dissipated.

As of press time, most emo teens have abandoned the idea, considering other options such as brown or golden honeysuckle.

“Our parents know nothing about the depth of feeling in paint colors,” they said. “If they think pink paint is better, it’s because they’re totally deluded by societal norms. We were almost swept in, but now we know the dangers, and will continue fighting the norms of society with paint.”

Sesame Street To End After 46 Years, Producers Say ‘Today’s Kids Just Hate Puppets’

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

It’s a sad day for all of those who grew up in any of the last four decades. Long-running childhood favorite, Sesame Street, will soon be no longer. The news of its demise was revealed by insiders at PBS, who explained that today’s kids “just hate puppets”.

“What can we do?” asked PBS CEO Paula Kerger. “Times have changed, and our beloved friends Bert and Ernie are now despised by children across the globe. Kermit, Big Bird, the Cookie Monster – all our beloved characters are no longer desirable. In fact, our research showed that kids would rather watch animated anthropomorphic turds fighting than spend another day looking at puppets flapping their unnaturally flat mouths around.”

Eight-year-old, Jimmy Prober, confirmed their sentiments.

“I fucking hate puppets,” he said on a CNN broadcast. “Their fake fur is gross, and their complexions look sickly. If we wanna see strange colored characters, we’re gonna watch The Simpsons. Come on dude – nothin beats Bart’s catchphrase of ‘Shove it up my ass’, or whatever.”

Kids watching the broadcast from a live studio audience nodded their heads in agreement, some shouting encouragement with phrases such as “Down with the reign of the puppet authority!” and “I’m eating Big Bird for dinner!” being flung around. Many parents were driven to run out of the room crying, as their children denigrated characters with whom they themselves had grown up.

When asked why he thought kids had turned against puppets, current Sesame Street executive producer Super Grover answered, “I cannot say for certain, but perhaps today’s children were collectively molested by puppets. Or maybe they’ve just found something better in iPads, Family Guy, and Playstations.”

“I always knew this day would come,” said Jim Henson, creator of Sesame Street and the Muppets. “Yet I did not think it would happen in my lifetime. In that assumption, I was correct.” Henson died in 1990 of a bacterial infection.