Florida Man Successfully Receives Penis Transplant From Horse

Posted on August 3, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

IZTAPALPA, Mexico –

A man from Melbourne, Florida has received the worlds first-ever successful horse-to-man penis transplant in Iztapalapa, Mexico using the allograft procedure, which is a procedure in which the key components of organs are grown artificially. The news broke this morning as it was published in the Mexican newspaper ‘El Grafico.’

The recipient of the transplant, which took place July 16th, Nicholas Waterbury, wished to remain anonymous at first, but was convinced by Mexican physicians that he would go down in history as the world’s first ever, animal-to-man penile transplant recipient, and that it could bring him great fame. Waterbury then gave El Grafico the approval to use his name in their exclusive front-page article.

The procedure, which took place at El Calavero Medical Center and was successfully completed in just over nine-hours, was completed by Dr. Abelino Santiago, who specializes in organ transplants. Santiago adamantly stated that this was an unprecedented, groundbreaking operation.

“The first human-to-human penis transplant was just in 2006, so this is very significant.” said Santiago.

The worlds first penis transplant that Santiago referenced, which was indeed successful, was completed in September of 2006 in Guangzhou, China by Dr. Jean-Michel Dubernard. The recipient, a 44-year-old male, had lost most of his penis in an accident. The transplanted penis came from a 22-year-old male. Although the transplant was successful, the patient had the procedure reversed due to psychological trauma. According to records, that was the only successful penis transplant ever completed until Waterbury received his new penis. His transplant from a Campolina, a breed of horse common in the Mexican wilderness, and used by ranchers throughout Central America.

Dr. Santiago explained to Waterbury that the odds of the procedure being successful and taking to Waterbury’s body was less than ten-percent. “We had our doubts, we believed that the chances that the transplant would take would be very small – but there was that small chance that we could accomplish a feat which had never been done before.” said Santiago. “We have made history, and Mr. Waterbury is recovering very nicely.” he said.

Waterbury told the press he first considered the transplant after reading about Dr. Santiago successfully completing several animal-to-animal penile transplants. Having been ridiculed all his life for having a below average sized penis, he got in touch with the doctor and asked if it was at all possible to receive a transplanted penis from a horse, and have a fully functional penis.

“He told me the chances were very slim that it would work, but I decided to try to be a part of history while possibly fulfilling complete personal satisfaction.” said Waterbury. “It has been two weeks, everything seems to work properly and when they tested it two days ago, I got my first erection. I am amazed, Dr. Santiago is a wonderful man.” added Waterbury.

Being that the issue for Waterbury was the size, reporters naturally asked about the transplanted penis’ size, “Mr. Waterbury wishes to not disclose that information, but we can tell you that he is a very satisfied man,” said Dr. Santiago.

Waterbury is sure to face a flood of news media upon his arrival back into the United States, which according to Santiago, will be about a month.

“We wish to keep Mr. Waterbury under constant observation for at least the next thirty days, in which we will perform multiple tests on the functionality of the penis. When we are satisfied and certain he will have no issues, we will recommend that he can go home, however for the time being it is absolutely necessary to monitor the healing process.” said Santiago.

Santiago added that some of the inner workings of the penis were modified using synthetic materials, allowing the procedure to be possible. “Without the allograft procedure, in which tissue is grown artificially, we would not have even tried. I contemplated even trying it at all, but after some research and meeting with my associates, we were convinced that it was indeed possible using the lab grown allograft. We are very pleased with the outcome, but we still have to keep an eye on Mr. Waterbury’s healing process, which has gone extremely well.” Santiago said.

Texas Football Coach Arrested For Giving Meth To Team As ‘Performance Booster’

Posted on August 2, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LINDEN, Texas –

Police in Linden, Texas arrested a junior high school football coach this past Tuesday after allegations that he was forcing his players to take doses of methamphetamine before practice.

According to Linden Police Chief Alton McWaters, parents of students had complained about strange behavior by their children following football practices.

“My son would come home and just act really strange,” said LaQuita Jones, a mother of one student. “He would just stand and stare at the walls for like an hour. Then one day I walked in to my kitchen and he was sitting on the floor next to a pile of his own feces saying, ‘look, I made Jesus’. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right.”

Police say they sent undercover officers to the school on Tuesday before football practice was scheduled to begin. The team had been meeting all summer, continuing practices even though school ended in late June, to stay in shape for what the school said they hoped would be a “terrific year” for Linden Junior High School sports.

“This arrest has marred what we hoped could be another winning season,” said assistant principal Joseph Goldsmith. “It’s a shame that this was going on right under our noses, and we never knew it.”

Carl Allen Byers, the school’s English teacher and coach of the football team, was taken in to custody immediately after undercover officers spotted him giving the drug to players.

Byers told officers, “I didn’t know it was wrong. I was just trying to give them a boost of energy.”

Arrested in connection with the incident was William Duncan, who was charged with delivery of a controlled substance in a drug-free zone. Duncan has bonded out of jail, according to McWaters.

Duncan was picked up in the parking lot of Mae Luster Stephens Junior High School. Linden is about 40 miles southwest of Texarkana, Texas.

McWaters also says officers found drugs in the coach’s truck. The investigation is ongoing.

Man Uses Crowd Funding Website To Get ‘Ransom’ For Cat

Posted on August 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BROOKLYN, New York –

An unknown man has created a Kickstarter page where he claims he is holding a stray cat for ransom. The anonymous page went up to the Kickstarter website, which has its offices in Brooklyn, New York, on Thursday morning, with the goal of “I Won’t Kill This F—— Cat.”

The Kickstarter page features a man, his face blurred out, holding a gun to the head of a cat. The anonymous man has posted that if he doesn’t hit his goal of $60,000, then he is going to shoot the cat in the face and post a video of it online.

“There are no perks with this Kickstarter,” the page says. “You send me money. I don’t care if it’s a dollar or a thousand dollars. You’ll all get the same perk – and that perk is saving the life of this cat. If I don’t hit my goal, then I’m going to shoot this cat, film it, and post it online. Then everyone who saw this post, or heard about it, and didn’t donate any money, can know they had a hand it murdering an animal.”

According to Kickstarter, they are keeping the page up while they work with members of the FBI to track down the individual who posted the page. At this time, they are not sure if the page is a legitimate threat towards the animal, or if it is someone trying to capitalize on the fact that no one wants to see an innocent animal harmed, and may be willing to fork over their own money to make sure it doesn’t happen.

“It’s entirely possible it’s all a joke, and he’d never hurt the animal. He may just want to score easy money,” says Aaron Silver, lead investigator for the FBI’s Animal Crimes and Abuse unit. “At this time, though, we are treating it as if he is being serious, and working hard to track down the poster.”

Representatives for Kickstarter could not be reached for comment, but a person at their offices ask that all inquiries about the anonymous account or the page itself be directed to the FBI as they investigate.

“Kickstarter has been used for some good things,” said Silver. “We’ve seen great technology and even great movies get made with crowd funding. Granted, we’ve also seen a man collect almost $50,000 to make potato salad, but in the end this sort of ‘come-together-with money’ attitude can be great. Unfortunately, it can also be used by sickos who are preying on the internet population, hoping for an easy payday, notoriety, or both.”

At the time of this writing, the Kickstarter page had only managed to earn $27.

U.S. Government Announces Plans To Sell Statue of Liberty

Posted on August 2, 2014 by JP

LIBERTY ISLAND, New York –

One of the most iconic figures in the history of the United States will be put up for auction this fall, say representatives from the White House. The Statue of Liberty is being put up for sale after congress has deemed it as “luxury” item that the state of New York, and the government itself, cannot continue to afford to maintain.

The decision was made after several other countries made actual offers on Lady Liberty. After determining that the offers were legitimate, and seeing the astonishing amounts that were being offered, President Obama met with his cabinet and they decided that it would be an easy way to put an ‘injection into the heart of the economy.’

Since October 28, 1886, the statue has stood proudly in place and gave new immigrants to America hope, welcoming them to their new life. The people of France gave the Statue to the people of the United States over one hundred years ago in recognition of the friendship established during the American Revolution.

It appears that friendship has a price after all, though. Representatives from the French government have yet to give a statement on their thoughts about the sale, but financial advisors and lawyers for the government in France are working on making sure they receive a portion of the profit that America makes when selling it.

Ticket sales for The Statue of Liberty tour are happening now, with everyone still being able to gain admittance until the date is announced for the sale. President Obama has urged everyone who has not seen the Statue in person to try to make it to Liberty Island ‘as soon as possible.’

“This is a piece of history, absolutely,” said President Obama. “We want all Americans to be able to see Lady Liberty, her majestic beauty, up close before it is too late. Ticket sales will help in the cost of dismantling the statue from her base for her eventual move to the country of her buyer.”

Serial Prison Escapee Diagnosed With Restless Leg Syndrome; Lawyer Asks For Leniency

Posted on August 1, 2014 by DvanL

BAYPORT, Minnesota –

Four-time prison escapee Robert Tuck, nicknamed “Hoppin’ Rob,” was diagnosed by prison doctors with Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) after a fifth prison escape attempt proved futile.

Currently housed at the Minnesota Correctional Facility in Stillwater, Tuck was captured near the main entrance by prison guards, who observed suspicious movements exhibited by the inmate near the facility’s main security fence.

“He was jumping up and down by the main gate,” said Alan Trimble, Director of Security at Stillwater. “At first I thought he was having a kind of seizure or throwing a fit, so I called the prison doctor right away to come take a look at him.”

“It was during our outdoor exercise period and I thought I could get away with it just this once more,” remarked Tuck from the prison infirmary. “I had the opportunity so I thought I’d go for it, but now they got me all chained up here to a bed, even though the doc says it’s not good for me with the condition they told me I have.”

As it turned out, prison medical staff discovered Tuck was suffering from more than just a compulsion to escape confinement; he was diagnosed with RLS, a condition the National Institutes of Health describes as “a nervous system disorder marked by unpleasant sensations affecting the legs.” Symptoms of RLS include spontaneous leg movements, occasional cramping and a constant urge to get up and move around.

“I always thought it was maybe something medical,” said Tuck, “because ever since I was a kid, what I did was to steal things and run away a lot, which is got me in trouble in the first place.”

Tuck’s attorney, Charles Burbridge, is currently examining whether a defense of “RLS Impairment Disorder” can be mounted, with the hope that Tuck, currently serving 5 – 7 years for burglary, would be eligible to receive a reduced sentence and possible transfer to a supervised medical facility.

“If my client could be treated fairly and like a free-range inmate,” explained Burbridge, “he would be able to walk the yard a few more hours a day as part of his therapy. I believe this will reduce his impulse to escape, and make him a better person in the long run.”

For the time being, Tuck remains confined to his infirmary bed and is reportedly in good spirits. “I have high hopes,” said Tuck, while giving the “thumbs up” gesture despite his handcuffs.

Man Arrested At Airport With 30 Pounds of Heroin In His Anus

Posted on July 31, 2014 by JP

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois –

A resident of Springfield, Illinois was arrested Wednesday morning after police caught the man attempting to smuggle drugs on to an airplane. The arrest took place at Abraham Lincoln Capital Airport, and employees there are reportedly in shock over the events.

The gentleman under custody is Christopher Nowkuvski, and he is being charged with drug possession, trafficking, and a several misdemeanor charges. The arresting officer claims he has never seen anything like this before, and said that he found it ‘hilarious’ that the culprit thought he could squeeze his way by security.

According to police reports, Nowkuvski had almost 30 pounds of heroin inserted in his anus, in what police are saying was a failed attempt to get it on the plane bound for Canada. Unfortunately for Nowkuvski, he didn’t make it very far through security before being stopped and questioned.

“He came into the airport sweating and limping, as if he was dying. We knew something was up from the get-go,” said Joe Goldsmith, a security guard for the airport. “I asked him if he needed medical help, and he nervously laughed, claiming he was fine and just needed to get on the plane. He began to walk towards his gate, and from behind I noticed little balloons begin to fall from the leg of his pants.”

Once he was in custody, Nowkuvski claimed he had no idea how the drugs got into his anus. Officers at the scene gave him a full cavity search, which took nearly 3 full hours. The final bag was lodged so far inside him, that it was almost reaching his intestines.

“It was insane, it wouldn’t stop coming out. After 10 bags we were in awe to how he even got it up there, then once we began to get into the hundreds all bets were off,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely one for the record books. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I surely never would have believed it.”

If convicted, Nowkuvski could face up to 30 years in prison for trafficking.

Jimmy Fallon Fired From The ‘Tonight Show’ After Feud With NBC Executives; Will Jay Leno Return?

Posted on July 30, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

In February of 2014, Jimmy Fallon’s debut of the Tonight Show on NBC’s network engaged 11.3 million viewers, making it the most viewed late-night show in years. Less than one year later, CEO of NBC Steve Burke announced today that Fallon’s inability to get along with his crew and the NBC executives has shockingly cost him his job as late night’s most coveted television host.

Earlier today in the announcement that seemed to shock the entire country, Burke explained that what viewers see on their televisions is the polar opposite of the man who Fallon was to the hard-working Tonight Show crew. There have been several rumors of verbal abuse and tantrums by Fallon, none of which anyone outside of the show seemed to believe. However, earlier this week, things apparently boiled over when Fallon was confronted by NBC executives Bob Greenblatt and Mark Lazarus.

“Out of respect to all involved in the ugly dispute, no details of the feud will be released publicly. We at NBC are as shocked as all of our loyal viewers. Ratings were higher than ever, it seemed like a match made in heaven from a viewer prospective, but what you did not see is the unprofessional demeanor which occurred behind the scenes.” Burke said, in an obviously shell-shocked and seemingly deflated manner.

Rumors began to circulate in just the past couple of weeks when it was uttered around the famed GE Building, which houses the new Tonight Show set, that Fallon had become extremely and verbally violent to his writing staff. One personal assistant, who asked to not to be named, told press members that Fallon had, on several occasions, said that she would be much more suited to ‘flip burgers at McDonald’s’ than to work for someone of his stature after she accidentally put mayonnaise on his sandwich instead of Miracle Whip. The story was buried by executives until others started to notice a change in Fallon’s demeanor. The writers’ meeting room, where Fallon met with his show writers every day, had become laden with several holes in the drywall due to Fallon’s explosive temper.

When Burke was asked about what happens next, he seemed as unsure as the stunned reporter that asked him.

“At this point, we have no idea who will replace Jimmy. We are still trying to soak in this terrible outcome. We simply do not have that answer.” Burke said. When asked about the chances Jay Leno returning, Burke simply replied, “I cannot answer that question. I cannot say its a possibility and I cannot say no. We never fathomed such events to transpire.”

His comments seemed to have led reporters to think that there would indeed be a meeting with Leno lined up. One reporter, Tanya Brown of the Hollywood Insider, asked Burke about the chances of Seth Myers stepping in for a sudden promotion.

“Such a promotion to an unproven, yet potentially brilliant late night talk show host, is very unlikely. We liked Seth where he is and intend to keep him there.” Burke said adamantly.

When asked about programming in the meantime, Burke commented that after this Friday, the show would go into rerun cycles. He also stated that NBC and Fallon had agreed to finish out the broadcasts for the week as if nothing at all has happened, and that there would be no on-air announcements or reactions, and that Fallon was bound by contract to not comment or even hint to the situation.

Justin Bieber to Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

Posted on July 29, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine set to hit the stands in October, Justin Bieber announced that he will be starring in the title role in the beloved classic musical, Annie, on Broadway next year.

Said the young music sensation, “I’m pretty stoked to take a break from the hip hop scene and do what I really love—show tunes.”

He also noted the parallels between the rags-to-riches character and his own shot to wealth and stardom. “Annie really inspired my journey,” he said. “And if she were a real person, I really think she’d be a belieber.”

Bieber revealed that the song, It’s a Hard Knock Life was the reason he chose to break into music to begin with, and even claims that from the moment his mom put in the old VHS during a family fun night, he became convinced that it gave birth to the hip-hop movement as we know it.

“If you think about it,” said Bieber, “hip-hop came from rap, an art form inspired by disenfranchised youth and life on the streets. People think being from a white Canadian family I don’t know about that. But I saw the great classic film Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Belieb me. I know.”

Aside from his elation at this career-changing opportunity, which he calls “a dream come true,” he can’t wait to “take a Lamborghini through Times Square at 120.”

At the close of the interview, Bieber stated that proceeds from the production will be donated to a support group for celebrities who have been defamed by the media.

“That’s right homies, the sun will come out tomorrow,” Bieber said, with a fist-bump to the chest. “The Biebs has got all ya’lls back.”

When asked if more gender-bending stage performances could be anticipated in the near future, he replied, “Right now I’m in talks with Alex Timbers to do Anne of Green Gables.”

Tickets go on sale August 1st, 2014.

Coca-Cola Recalls 2 Million Bottles With The Name ‘Michael,’ The Reason Why Will Shock You

Posted on July 29, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Coca-Cola spokesperson Gabriella Sanchez announced in an impromptu press conference this morning that the iconic cola company is urgently recalling all twenty-ounce size bottles of the drink with the name ‘Michael’ on them due to “compromising of ingredients”. She went on to say that several customers had returned their drinks to stores and/or called the Coca-Cola customer service hotline after noticing their personalized bottles, with the name ‘Michael’ on them, had an odd taste.

“Several calls began to come in on Friday afternoon with customers complaining that their bottles of cola had an odd taste, all of which were part of our ‘Share a Coke With…’ campaign, and had the name Michael on them.” Sanchez announced to the unassuming press. “Naturally, we immediately launched an investigation on the issue and after thorough lab testing we discovered that the ingredients of a particular series of batches were compromised. Our investigation and research found a disgruntled employee, who is not being named due to criminal investigation, had been adding literal top soil – dirt – into her batches. If consumed, these bottles of cola are not necessarily considered dangerous so there is not cause for panic, but of course we do not want our very loyal and longtime Coke lovers ingesting this foul-tasting soda.”

Sources close to the situation, which requested to remain anonymous, leaked the story to a reporter about the case as early as Sunday morning, saying that a female employee, who was claiming sexual harassment by her supervisor, who just happened to be named ‘Michael,’ had ‘spiked large batches of the drink with top soil she had been bringing to work,’ via her purse. She did so after discovering that all batches she was put in charge of would be added to two-million 20-ounce bottles which would be labeled “Share a Coke with…Michael.”

Coca-Cola said that the unidentified employee had filed harassment documentation against the supervisor, whose name is also being withheld due to the ongoing criminal investigation, and told co-workers that her complaint had been ignored. Another Coca-Cola employee, also female, stated anonymously that the women in the Atlanta, Georgia bottling plant ‘are treated like objects on a regular basis.’

“The young woman who had contaminated the drinks, in my opinion, deserves to be fired and face criminal charges, even though she was wrongfully driven to commit the act,” said the employee. “The people, the customers, do not deserve to drink dirt, that was absurd. That being said, we should be thankful it wasn’t something more dangerous she put into the bottles.”

“We encourage all who have the ‘Michael’ bottles to call our customer service hotline immediately. Do not throw the bottles away, you will be asked for the bar code number, your name, address, the store where you purchased the items, and we’ll also ask that you mail us back, at your cost, the remaining soda in the bottle. We will be refunding your purchase price via gift certificate, which can be redeemed anywhere Coca-Cola is sold, as long as that store does not also sell Pepsi. We apologize to all who have been affected by this inconvenience, and we want the world to know that this matter has been fully resolved. Increased security measures are already in place that will prevent any possibility of future attempts of corrupt, bitchy employee tampering.”

Sanchez added, “To those who have already drank the bottles of soda but didn’t notice there was dirt in it, do not worry. It is no worse than breathing dust on a hot, dry, American summer day while drinking a cold, crisp, refreshing Coca-Cola.”

Vice President Joe Biden Spotted Wandering Drunk Through D.C. Suburbs

Posted on July 28, 2014 by A.R.

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Vice President Joe Biden was spotted visibly drunk in several places over the weekend, with several people even getting pictures or videos of his antics, posting them to Instagram and Facebook. One such image even shows Biden urinating on a McDonalds’ storefront in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Mychal Lewis, Assistant Manager of the McDonalds, explains that the VP was acting belligerent before leaving and eventually disgracing the restaurant.

“He demanded a Whopper. He was slurring his words pretty heavy and kept saying something like ‘I’m the goddamn Vice President.'” said Lewis. “I tried telling him he was in the wrong place and there’s a Burger King just a couple blocks down, but he wouldn’t listen. Finally he left and I turned to go back to the kitchen. I hear a knock at the window and there he is again, this time with his pants around his ankles, pissing on the wall outside. He was staring at me and smiling the whole time. It was terrible.”

Later that same evening, Biden was videotaped in Bethesda attempting to start a fight with a homeless man. In the video, Biden can be heard declaring himself the “Secretary of Kickin’ Ass” before slapping the vagrant in the back of the head. The two exchange a series of awkward punches before Biden toppled over and the homeless man shuffled away.

The next morning in Arlington, Virginia, the owner of a house that is painted white was alarmed when Biden stumbled in through the back door. The home owner threatened to call the police, but the Vice President talked him out of it. They shared a pot of coffee and Biden left amicably. Apparently, Biden thought he was entering the White House.

“It wasn’t just that it was white. The columns threw him off,” said the home owner, who wished to remain anonymous because he is a ‘die-hard republican.’

The Vice President frequently referred to himself in the third person as “Ol’ Joe” when discussing his drunken adventure.

“Yeah, Ol’ Joe got a little frisky last night. Does that make me a bad person? Can’t a guy have some fun? So I got a little carried away. We were all having fun. It ain’t easy being Ol’ Joe. Barry’s always trying to put me in a box. Please don’t say this, please don’t do that. Well, sometimes Ol’ Joe just got to be Ol’ Joe.”

Political analysts believe that rather than try to prevent future gaffes from Biden, the current administration will instead encourage more raucous behavior from the VP in an attempt to distract from the VA scandal, a perceived-to-be tepid foreign policy, and any future controversy.