Victim Of George Zimmerman Domestic Assault Identified As 22-Year-Old Live-In Boyfriend

Posted on January 11, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LAKE MARY, Florida –

George Zimmerman was arrested on Friday, January 9th and charged with aggravated assault and domestic violence with a weapon after an argument.

Today, the name of the victim and his relation to Zimmerman were released to the public. The victim, identified as Zimmerman’s 22-year-old live-in boyfriend, Hector Valenzeula, suffered severe facial injuries and is in stable condition at St. Lucia & Mary’s Hospital.

Police received a call after a concerned neighbor heard the two men arguing very loudly and repeated loud crashing noises. Upon arrival, police officers reportedly found Zimmerman on top of the victim, striking him repeatedly with a miniature Louisville Slugger baseball bat, which was covered in Valenzeula’s blood.

The 31-year-old Zimmerman became a nationally known controversial figure in 2012, after he saw Trayvon Martin, a 17-year-old African-American boy wearing a hooded sweatshirt in his Sanford, Florida, neighborhood. Zimmerman confronted Martin and wound up shooting and killing the unarmed teen. After an extremely high-profile case, which was racially delicate, Zimmerman was found not guilty.

According to Lake Mary Police Department spokesperson Rochelle McCaffrey, Valenzeula and Zimmerman had been fighting after Valenzeula allegedly walked in on Zimmerman and two other men taking part in activities of a sexual nature. The two men, unnamed in the case, immediately fled the residence, leaving Valenzeula and Zimmerman alone. Shortly after, the alleged assault took place.

“He isn’t a boyfriend, though,” said Zimmerman in an interview with police detectives. “It’s true he stays at the house, but he’s more of a live-in, uh, gardener. Yeah, that’s it. He’s a live-in gardener! And uh, a cook! Absolutely no sexual things happen between myself and Mr. Valenzeula. He merely trims my hedges and tosses my salads. That’s all.”

Zimmerman is currently being held on $20,000 bond at John E. Polk Correctional Facility ran by the Seminole County Sheriffs Department.

8 Texas Girls Scouts Arrested In Drug Trafficking Bust

Posted on January 5, 2015 by Abe Abrams

DEL RIO, Texas –

8 girl scouts have been arrested for delivering more than just addicting cookies to homes in Del Rio, Texas. The girls have been accused of working closely with a Mexican drug cartel, delivering cocaine door-to-door in cookie boxes. The names of the girls are being withheld due to their ages, ranging from 12 to 14.

“At this time, we are not sure how long the cartel has been using girl scouts,” said Del Rio Sheriff Wayne Walker. “The truth is, we stumbled on it accidentally when two of the girls delivered a box of cocaine to one of my deputies instead of dropping off the Samoas and Thin Mints he ordered.”

According to Walker, Deputy Johnson received a ¼ kilo of cocaine instead of the boxes of cookies he was expecting.

“We started surveillance of the girls immediately after, and made the bust when we were sure we had the major players. In total we apprehended 8 girl scouts, 6 customers, and one driver. We also recovered a van full of thin mints with each box containing ½ kilo of cocaine, with a total street value of approximately 20 million dollars, plus about $120 in cookies.”

“I’m not sure why the Thin Mints delivered to my house only had a ¼ kilo instead of a ½ kilo of cocaine,” Deputy Johnson said via Skype while on vacation in Aruba. “It’s one of those mysteries we’ll never figure out I guess. The girls have lawyered up, and they’re not talking.”

Girl Scout Spokesperson Sally Smith says that you can’t blame the girls, and that they are just doing their best.

“These girls were obvious troubled youths. The Girl Scouts of America pride themselves of turning troubled girls around to a righteous path, but unfortunately we can’t help everyone,” said Smith. “With the knowledge that these girls had been selling cocaine, though, we have decided to give them their ‘Big Earner’ merit badge, which goes to only the most tenacious girls who are definitely future entrepreneurs!”

76-Year Old Grandmother Arrested For Phone Hacking

Posted on January 4, 2015 by DvanL

PEORIA, Illinois –

Imagine Mavis Thompson’s surprise when on Christmas Eve, two uniformed police officers showed up on the mild-mannered grandmother’s doorstep with a warrant for her arrest.

“I thought the policemen had the wrong address,” said Thompson, “but there was my name right there and in big letters, and the paper said ARREST WARRANT.”

“We had to take her in,” said Officer Mark Macon. “We got several sworn complaints that she was making aggravated, inappropriate, and indecent phone calls which were recorded by other parties.”

Thompson suffers from chronic post nasal drip, accompanied by a persistent, hacking cough. “It’s bad,” she said. “I’ve had it for years and I call the drugstore for my new prescription. The police said that’s how it started. It was that neighbor lady’s daughter who was the ringleader. She’s into the gothic faith that kids are following now – devil worship it looks like to me, with all the black eye makeup.”

Indeed, upon further investigation, it was “that neighbor lady’s daughter,” ‘River O. Darkniss,’ née Louise Hicks, who had concocted a scheme where she and her goth friends filed several complaints, alleging Thompson had made repeated threatening and inappropriate phone calls to different local businesses.

“These kids were cruel,” said Officer Macon. They called up Mrs. Thompson and recorded her voice, and made a prank sound board. They added in her coughing sounds so we’d know it was her. Everybody knows she’s a hacker – I mean a cougher – but this was just plain mean.”

The re-edited sound mash-ups were convincing enough for authorities to seek Thompson’s arrest. The computer whiz kids managed to turn innocent conversation into highly inappropriate language by editing recorded conversations with Thompson.

“I really want something for my throat, *cough* and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back down that way in town there to pick it up; can you do that for me please and get back to me?” was a mild enough question that the teens turned into dirty remarks.

“I really want something to get down in my throat, *cough* I want to get it down there, way back down in my throat, please *cough* really get it in way down in there, *cough cough* I want a pick up, can you do me please, do me, really do me back there, please do me way down back there *cough* in my *cough cough* throat.”

“Things like that were just very inappropriate from an older person,” said Macon, so we started to suspect foul play. “Once we found out what was going on, we released her and arrested the kids.”

“It was terrible, and I’m glad it’s over,” said Thompson. “I don’t use that drug store anymore even though they apologized, but I can’t show my face there. Forgive and forget, and I’m trying, but now I always watch what I say on the phone. I certainly don’t want to pull anymore boners like that.”

2-Year-Old Who Shot Mother In Walmart To Be Tried For Crime As An Adult

Posted on January 1, 2015 by skullman

HAYDEN, Idaho –

Police and local investigators say that the 2-year-old toddler that fired a gun in an Idaho Walmart store, killing his mother, will be tried as an adult.

On December 30th, police say that a young mother, who was shopping with her children, was killed when her 2-year-old son reached into her purse, and discharged a small-caliber pistol that she had concealed inside. In what police originally considered a tragic accident, the woman died before paramedics could arrive.

Upon further investigation into the shooting, police have decided to arrest the 2-year-old and charge him with first-degree murder, a capital offense in Idaho.

“We strongly believe that this child knew precisely what he was doing when he reached into his mother’s purse and fired that weapon,” said Deputy Chief Joseph Goldsmith. “At this time we will not being discussing what evidence has mounted to lead us to this decision, as a trial will be pending.”

“It’s just awful that this is happening,” said Shaniqu’a Brooks, an employee at the Walmart who witnessed the events. “I saw the entire thing happen, and after she fell to the floor, her son – well, let me just say that the look on his face scared the Hell out of me.”

“If only the woman had not been carrying a concealed weapon, then this never would have happened,” said liberal talk-radio host Gerry Jones. “Only a damn fool carries a loaded weapon into a store, around children and other customers. Was there no safety on her gun? She was quoted as being a ‘responsible gun owner,’ but did she think that in an Idaho Walmart in the middle of the day she might need to shoot someone? Moreover, had her son ever touched it before? Fired it? Is this his first time killing? There are so many questions that need answers. I just hope that during the trial, we see the truth come out.”

Currently, the toddler is being held in an Idaho maximum security facility without bail, but there is reportedly a wonderful playroom with toys and cartoons. A trial date has not yet been set.

Congress Pushes For Ban On Alcohol Consumption On New Year’s Eve

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you were looking to hit your favorite local hotspot for a drink or two on New Year’s Eve, it’s very possible that you might have to change your plans.

In an effort to curb drunk driving accidents and deaths, which are higher on New Year’s Even and early New Year’s Day than at any other point in the year, the United States Congress is seeking to pass a law that would outlaw the public consumption of alcohol on those two days of the year.

“No one is saying that you can’t have private parties, and that you can’t drink at home and have a celebration,” said Congressman George Flint (R-GA), who is spearheading the bill. “There is nothing wrong with a glass of champagne and a toast to the new year. There is, however, something wrong with the thousands upon thousands of violent car crashes and the hundreds of preventable deaths that happen every year on New Year’s Eve as a result of excessive alcohol consumption.”

Flint says that he is finding support among other members of congress, who also see the dangers in allowing heavy alcohol consumption leading into the new year.

“We are fighting hard to save lives,” said Flint. “It is for the protection of the people – it is for your own good – that we enact a law like this to prevent the senseless loss of life.”

According to inside reports, the law has a very good chance of passing, although there is concern that people may still drive drunk when leaving their homes, or leaving a friend’s home, after a party.

“If we can even stop one person from being killed who would have been driving home while annihilated drunk from their local bar, then this law will have succeeded,” said Flint. “We know what is best for everyone, and we will do what we can to protect the people from themselves.”

“If I didn’t fear some sort of cruel, government retaliation, I’d tell them to go straight to hell with this bullshit law,” said bar owner Joe Goldsmith, of Phoenix, Arizona. “Maybe I’ll just close the bar for the night, and have it be for a ‘private party’ or something. If people want to drink, I’ll damn sure find a way to make it happen.”

Miami Police Shoot, Kill 10-Year-Old Boy Who Had Toy Grenade Launcher

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MIAMI, Florida –

Miami-Dade Police have shot and killed a 10-year-old hispanic boy who was playing with what is now being described as a toy grenade launcher.

The shooting comes at a trying time for police, as there have been several deaths as the result of unnecessary and brutal police force throughout the country.

Miami-Dade Police Department spokesperson Felipe Cruz told members of the Miami Associated Press that the officer involved in the shooting has been suspended with pay until the investigation is complete.

“The boy, 10-year-old Miguel Rodriguez, was playing with a toy grenade launcher in his bedroom, when a neighbor across the street spotted him through the window and immediately called 911,” said Cruz. “When officers arrived on the scene and peeked through the bedroom window, they spotted Rodriguez aiming the giant, foam toy at several stuffed animals lined up on his bed, and this caused officer Tyrone Davis to make the difficult decision to discharge his weapon, which killed Miguel.”

“I can’t believe that this could happen,” said Carmen Rodriguez, Miguel’s mother. “I can understand our neighbor calling the police, because she’s a noisy bitch who likes to cause trouble, but when police arrived, they should have spoken to me first! I was just in the kitchen for crying out loud!”

The officer, whose name is not being released publicly due to fear of retaliation, commented on the situation through his Union representative. “If I had to do it all again, I would do it the same way,” explained the officer. “That boy was going to injure himself, or those stuffed animals, and I had to take charge of the situation. It’s what any good cop would have done.”

The shooting is very similar to the shooting of 12-year-old Tamir Rice of Cleveland, Ohio, but in that situation, he did not have a toy as indicated in earlier reports. Rice had been in possession of a pellet gun, which is legally not considered a toy.

Unfortunately, this incident is sure to cause mass-media exposure, as 2014 has been a very questionable year when it comes to the judgement of police officers across the nation.

Missouri Congress Proposes Bill Prohibiting Sale Of Video Recording Devices To African-Americans

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –

With the riots and outrage sparked by videos of unarmed black men being abused by police on camera, the Missouri congress has proposed a bill prohibiting the sale of all video recording devices, including cell phones with camera, to all blacks with a Missouri address.

The proposed bill, which is being called The Blindfold Act, would not only prohibit all black citizens in the state from buying camera phones or other video recording devices, but would also require all blacks already in possession of the items to hand them over to their local police department. Compensation for the device would be provided, up to $150. Those who fail to follow the instructions of the Missouri government would then be charged with a felony if found in possession of a recording device.

Senior Senator of Missouri, Democrat Claire McCaskill, has issued a statement to press, explaining the bill in detail and all but guaranteeing that the proposed law would more than likely be passed when congress votes on the proposal in January.

“One thing democrats and Republicans both can agree on in this state is that the black community all across Missouri commits a much higher percentage of crime than any other race, putting them on the biggest stage, in front of the most irresponsible citizens, who always seem to meddle in the business of the police.” said McCaskill.

Even Democratic Representatives Lacy Clay Jr., and Emmanuel Cleaver II, who are the only African-American members of the Missouri congress, are in full support of the proposed bill.

“Until the black community learns how to keep from being caught by police, we don’t deserve to possess the ability to video tape police who are just trying to do their jobs,” Clay Jr. said. “We have too many of our people living off the government, collecting checks, yet they still complain on how we conduct our business. They need to quit meddling, for real.”

EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

Posted on December 23, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For over a century, Americans have been getting from place to place by relying on crude oil and fossil fuels. You might say that it is a part of our culture; gas guzzling hot rods and slicked back hair have given way to gas guzzling Hummers and slicked back hair. But now, a new emergency legislation, penned by a group of up-and-comers at the EPA, will make gasoline engines a thing of the past.

EPA Special Studies Chairman, Akiko Kim, explained the need for the new law in a largely ignored Congressional Hearing back in October of this year.

“You have all these midlife crisis Corvettes, and these Over-Testosteroned off-road trucks out there, just belching carbon into the air. These people are Mongoloids. They are killing their own children and they don’t even care,” said Kim. “There is no accountability. I wish we could put them all in FEMA camps. Sadly, we can’t, so the next best thing should be done, and that is to take away their toys in an attempt to destroy the life they lead.”

The law would see all cars that do not pass emissions tests (including classics, which have been exempt up to this point) impounded if they are operated on public property. This new ruling would start in July 2015, the start of the government’s fiscal calendar. The auto industry would also be banned from releasing any further gasoline models.

Kim thinks it is a good start. ”These rich guys just cruising around in their classic gas guzzlers are gonna get a wake up call. And these automakers who have been killing us for years will find themselves out of business if they do not adapt. Electric and alternative-fuel vehicles are the way of the future, and they should rapidly become the way of the present, too.”

“I don’t care ’bout them fuckin’ tree huggers,” said long-time diesel enthusiast Joe Lee Roberts. “I’ll roll coal on the EPA lawn, and if they don’t like it, we can schedule a second amendment meeting.”

President Obama, who is known to be an avid supporter of all things environmentally friendly, is expected to sign the bill into law after the Christmas holiday break.

O.J. Simpson In Shocking Confession: ‘I Shot Tupac Shakur’

Posted on December 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOVELOCK, Nevada –

During an interview with a BBC News affiliate earlier this week, 67-year-old O.J. Simpson shockingly confessed – not to the murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman, but to the shooting death of deceased, iconic rap superstar Tupac Shakur, who was shot multiple times in a drive-by shooting on September 7, 1996, and died six days later.

Peter Reddington, a BBC journalist, traveled to Lovelock, Nevada earlier this month for a special one-on-one interview with O.J. Simpson at Lovelock Correctional Center, the prison in which Simpson is serving a thirty-three year sentence for crimes of robbery and kidnapping he committed in 2007.

“The interview was going as well as could be expected,” Reddington said. “I began to prod at the ol’ boy about whether or not he killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. At first he just sat there, like a lost boy on his bum, silent and mysteriously.” Redding said that it was shortly after those questions when Simpson began to get very talkative.

“He looked at me intently for several minutes, then out of nowhere he said, ‘I’ll tell you who I killed. it wasn’t Nicole and it wasn’t Ron Goldman. I shot Tupac that night in Las Vegas! It was me!’ I was absolutely flabbergasted and asked him if he was yanking my chain. He then got very angry, and said he wasn’t proud of it but he did it. He looked me right in the eye and said he had lost several thousand dollars because he had bet that Bruce Seldon would defeat Mike Tyson in their boxing match, he said that he was embarrassed because Tyson won by a first round knockout in less than two minutes, and that he and Shakur had somewhat of a feud earlier in the night.”

Simpson explained how he followed Shakur and rapper Suge Knight as they left a Las Vegas casino. “I followed the two thugs, I figured I’d do the planet a favor by taking out those wanna-be gangsters. Yes, I did it. That’s the only person I’ve ever killed. I didn’t hurt Ron or Nicole at all. On the other hand, you can read all about how I would have killed my wife in my book, If I Did It, available now through Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.”

Simpson is currently serving a thirty-three year sentence with possibility of parole in 2017. Las Vegas police have decided no to re-opened the Shakur investigation, saying that it’s ‘not possible’ that Simpson actually committed the crime, but would give no further details.

Entire Company Faces Sexual Assault Charges After Employee Tries To Kiss Woman Under Mistletoe

Posted on December 22, 2014 by JP

AURORA, Colorado –

Garry Thompson, 27, is facing sexual assault charges after a company Christmas party went quickly downhill.

According to police reports, Thomson, who
had ‘a few drinks’ while celebrating with co-workers from Harrison Construction and Lumber, was encouraged to kiss a female co-worker who had been standing underneath a mistletoe. When Thompson went up to her, he leaned in to give her a peck on the cheek, and was immediately punched in the face and pepper sprayed.

His co-workers, and even boss and owner, Joel Harrison, who all laughed at the incident as it happened, assumed that it would be he end of the ordeal. But now, Thompson, Harrison, and every other male co-worker is facing serious charges, with Thompson himself facing possible rape charges.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas, and have never heard of the tradition of the misletoe, but either way there is no excuse for this type of behavior,” said Marissa Jones, the woman bringing suit against her now-former employer. “[Thompson] came up to me, and he was definitely drunk. I could see it in his eyes that he was totally trying to have sex with me. Before he could put his gross lips on my beautiful, womanly cheek, I punched him in the face, and then pepper sprayed him until he couldn’t stand up. I find it disgusting that men think they can kiss whomever they want during this time of year just because a person happens to be standing under a plant.”

Thompson claimed that the issue is being blown out of portion, and feels he did nothing wrong at all, as it was meant to be a simple gesture of caring and admiration, and that people have been doing it for eons.

“Obviously, I made a mistake in trying to kiss such a femi-nazi bitch,” said Thompson from his jail cell in Aurora. “Can you believe that now she’s trying to say I was a rapist? Plus, she’s suing the company for allowing this ‘sexual harassment’ to happen during a business function, and she’s trying to say that any man who laughed when it happened is an accomplice to rape! RAPE?! There were women laughing, too – I don’t see any of them getting labeled as rapists and hit with huge lawsuits. I swear, that is the last time I try to kiss anyone, ever.”

In light of the situation, Harrison has said that he will give Thompson the holiday off, “with pay,” to try to retain a lawyer.