High School Girl Shoots Classmate Over Accessories

Posted on December 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

17-year-old shooting suspect Elizabeth Simpson allegedly shot Lyne Pennington in the bathroom at Page Private School in Beverly Hills. The altercation was reportedly over a handbag. Luckily, only one of six shots hit Pennington, but her family says she will be permanently disfigured, and they have retained counsel.

Simpson’s self-proclaimed BFF, Karen Rich, says she does not understand how this could have happened. “It was only a Katie Spaulding bag. I can’t believe she, like, even cared the bitch bought the same one,” said Rich.

Rich also says Simpson and Pennington had a long rivalry over accessories, nail styles, and boys. “Like, I could see them being like, ‘bitch!’ and calling that bitch out, but I can’t believe she took it to that level. I’ve got to find out where she got that gun. It was like, so cute.”

Simpson was released on $25,000 bail, which was paid by her Daddy.

Police Officer Commended, Promoted For Killing Most Civilians In Calendar Year

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

Charles “Chuck” Jenner has been a Baltimore police officer for just over 5 years, but he says that 2015 has been the “best year of his life” after he was commended and promoted to lieutenant for shooting and killing the most unarmed civilians.

“You see, being a police officer is an extremely tiring and stressful job,” said Jenner in his speech at the police association’s annual Christmas party. “This year, I am so grateful to be honored for my efforts in ridding the streets of Baltimore of as many pieces of human trash possible. It is with great pleasure that I accept my award and promotion for the slaying of over 220 Baltimore dirtbags.”

Cheers erupting from the audience of officers and retired police force members could be heard from around the block, with many residents extremely upset by the police association’s actions.

“It would be one thing if he’d only shot and killed black people, but he also killed a couple white teens, too,” said Baltimore resident Jim Johnson. “I know they were gang bangers and whatever, but come on – they were white. He should have showed a little more tact in those cases. That said, though, ridding the streets of over 200 people? He deserves that commendation.”

“I for one am outraged that these police are out here, killing with no prejudice whatsoever,” said gang member Crypt Keeper Jay. “Yo, I mean, I gotta watch out for these pigs all the time, because they could just come up and shoot me, and that’s some bullshit. Even the white kids aren’t safe out here. It’s enough to make a motherfucker wanna go back to his job at McDonald’s.”

The next officer in line for a promotion, deputy Mark Rumford, killed only 130 people in the line of duty.

“Better luck next year, I guess,” said Rumford.

US Government To Allow Three-Toed Sloth As Pets

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The internet’s second most loved animal after the cat, the sloth is an animal loved by many, although actually seen – in real life, anyway – by very few people. That will all change starting January 1st, as the US government plans to lift its ban on certain exotic animals, including the furry three-toed sloth.

“The world loves sloths almost as much as they love cute, furry kittens,” said USDA wildlife spokesman Gerard Bole. “After an online petition to allow sloths as pets was signed over 350,000 times on the change.org website, the USDA decided to work with the other branches of the government to establish laws that would allow three-toed sloths to be imported as pets for private citizens.”

In the past, only zoos and animal treatment and research facilities were allowed to import sloths, which reside mostly in central and south America. The new laws will allow anyone to import the sloth to keep as a pet in their own home.

Obama Breaks Tradition, Removes Menorah From White House During Hanukkah

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For over 200 years, a Menorah has been lit each night of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah in the White House, despite no president ever being Jewish. This year, though, President Obama has ordered that the Menorah be removed, and that none be brought in throughout the building’s many offices.

“This is a joyous time for families, and a time to remember the love and faith we all share by celebrating with gift giving and togetherness,” said Obama from inside the White House. “We have a Christmas tree in the White House, and that is enough. We are an all inclusive country, but let’s not forget, that this is also my home, and I celebrate Christmas.”

Many people have protested the president’s decision, although he says that there is no reason to change now.

“Hanukkah has already started, and we didn’t light any candles, so there’s no reason to get all up in arms over it,” said Obama. “Next year, you’ll have a new president at this time, and he can have the Hanukkah traditions or not, I really don’t care. Since it will probably be Trump, and he’s a full-blown racist, you probably won’t get anything in the White House.”

Obama’s White House Thanksgiving Dinner Reportedly Only Allowed Black Guests, Only White Servers

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to reports from the White House, the president’s annual Thanksgiving dinner was serviced entirely but white waiters and waitresses, and invitations were sent only to African-Americans, calling some to cry reverse racism.

“I don’t see the problem here,” said President Obama. “All the wait staff were paid incredible wages. They all got to take home the leftovers. All the guests paid to be here, with all the money going to charity. No one seemed hurt by the fact that it was all my black homies at the dinner being served by a bunch of crackers, lease of all the whiteys themselves.”

Republicans who are critical of Obama say that having such a sordid event in the White House only seemed to further the President’s bad name.

“If he had included a couple Mexicans or something at the dinner, then it might not have been so obvious and so brash,” said white Republican Jon Smith. “But, making the dinner an exclusively black affair and then forcing white people to slave away like that? It’s disgusting.”

For his part, Obama said that it really wasn’t done on purpose, it’s just that white people were the only one cleared to be allowed to work in the White House.

Donald Trump Makes Decision To Leave Republican Party, Run Under Nazi Party

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has reportedly made a switch of parties, but it’s something that most of his supporters say they didn’t see coming: the billionaire mogul has left the Republican party in favor of the New Nazi Party.

“Heil Hitler,” said Trump, greeting a slew of guests and supporters at a rally on Saturday evening with a one-handed salute. “After careful consideration, I have decided that a better party for me would be the Nazi party, and plan to remove myself from the running on the Republican ticket in favor of this new, slightly less inclusive party.”

Trump says that the Republicans seem to have “lost their way” over time, and too many Mexicans, illegals, and even African Americans are ruining the GOP.

“When I was a boy, a Mexican was sight to be afraid of, and a black guy on the street meant trouble,” said Trump. “The republicans, they seem to have forgotten what it means to be a part of the GOP – strict regulation and hating anyone not rich, white, and racist. The New Nazi Party is more my style – less trusting of new ways, and far less trusting of illegals. It’s the way things should be.”

Trump’s supporters say that they really don’t care what party he runs under, because he “speaks his mind,” so idiots that appreciate his candor plan to continue their support.

New Law To Force Pregnant ‘Juggalettes’ To Have Abortions; Gov’t Wants To Avoid Breeding New ICP Fans

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C –

A new law that would force pregnant fans of the rap group Insane Clown Posse, otherwise known as “Juggalettes,” to have abortions is striking a nerve with those who say it takes away their fundamental rights to listen to bad music.

“No one is out there, telling Kid Rock fans that they have to have abortions, and if ever there were an abomination of music, it’s Kid Rock,” said Juggalo Mike “Ballswrecka” Fleming. “I got mad clown love for my homie and bitch Tasty Flavamaka, and she’s pregnant with our fifth little little juggalo homie. Ain’t no muthafuckin government fascist telling me I can’t have more babies, bitch. Whoop Whoop.”

“We are within our legal right to force pregnant juggalos, or ‘juggalettes,’ as they call them, to get an abortion,” said White House spokesman Daniel Bond. “ICP followers, these clown thugs, they’re a gang, and gangs are not allowed to co-mingle. When you have a woman, who is an ICP fan for some reason, carrying a child who they plan to raise to also, ugh, be an ICP fan, then you’ve got two fans, and that’s a gathering. Gathering of gang members is forbidden by law.”

According to the new law, anyone who has ever been to a Gathering of the Juggalos event, or to an ICP concert, or who currently owns any ICP CDs or merchandise, will not be allowed to be pregnant.

“If you are pregnant currently and consider yourself an ICP fan, then you will be required to receive an abortion,” said Bond. “If you are too far along to have an abortion based on current state and federal laws, then you will be asked to give your baby up for adoption so that it may be raised in a healthy, happy environment.”

SHOCKING PHOTO: President Tries To Kill Stephen Hawking After Argument During White House Dinner

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama reportedly had to be pulled off of famed physicist Stephen Hawking after the two got into an altercation at the White House on Wednesday afternoon, say witnesses. According to other attendees, Obama and Hawking got into an argument about which movie was better, The Wiz or The Wizard of Oz.

“Everyone knows that President Obama is a massive fan of The Wiz,” said another guest at the dinner, who asked not to be named. “Somehow, when the topic of movies was brought up, Mr. Hawking began talking about his love of the character of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. As soon as he saw an opening, Obama, of course, brought up The Wiz. From there, all hell broke loose.”

Obama reportedly began lobbing insults at Hawking, calling him a “crippled piece of shit,” and a “movie snob” after Hawking begin talking about how terrible of a movie The Wiz is.

“It was pandemonium. The President actually jumped across the table and flung himself at Stephen, who of course could only yell electronically and blink his eyes in protest,” said another dinner guest. “The Secret Service had to pull President Obama off of poor Mr. Hawking. Sadly, I think they took him away and beat him up a little somewhere else, privately.”

No lawsuits have been filed, but attorneys for Stephen Hawking have a “serious case” against the president, as many witnesses saw the assault.

“Plus, everyone knows how bad The Wiz really is,” said attorney Joe Lean. “I can’t believe anyone would actually like that movie. No offense to the President, or anything.”

Jeb Bush Looks To Reach Younger Voters By Legally Changing Name To Jeb Shaved

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Jeb Bush has been running his campaign based almost solely on his family name, following in the footsteps of his brother, George W., and father, George Bush, but seemingly failing to connect with younger voters.

“I think that too many people look at me, and they see my family, and although that’s okay, it’s not winning me any points lately,” said Jeb Bush. “In fact, I think having the Bush name is really becoming a hinderance in this race.”

Bush says that he thinks that his name is “too old fashioned,” and that a change is definitely in order.

“I am working with lawyers to have my name legally changed,” said Bush. “No longer will the Bush name be in my way. That name is old and dated. A relic of the 80s and 90s. From now on, I will go by the name Jeb Shaved, because that’s what the younger kids are about these days.”

There was no comment made by anyone else from the Bush family.

Caitlyn Jenner Sues Family Of Woman She Killed In Car Accident

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MALIBU, California –

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly suing the family members of a woman she killed in a car accident earlier this year. After receiving a lawsuit from the family against her for wrongful death, Jenner said that she decided to sue the family as well.

“There was substantial damage to my car that was not covered by insurance,” said Jenner. “Someone needs to pay for that, and it shouldn’t have to be me. I’ve suffered enough, what with killing someone and all. The blood that was on the car took Jose, one of my employees, over 6 hours to scrub off. It was disgusting, and he should be heavily compensated for his time.”

Jenner maintains that the accident, which killed 69-year-old Kim Howe, was not her fault.

“I mean, just because I wasn’t paying attention and someone got killed doesn’t mean that it’s my fault,” said Jenner. “Mrs. Howe was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and sometimes, people just die. That doesn’t mean that I need to go to jail, and it certainly doesn’t mean that her family can sue me without getting sued back.”

Jenner has filed a $1.9 million dollar lawsuit against the family for, among other things, car repair and defamation.

“They said that I killed her, and that I had no remorse,” said Jenner. “That’s just not true! I think it’s pretty much not okay to kill someone, but like I said, accidents happen. My heart goes out to them, but my lawyers are going out to them, too.”