Woman Arrested After Spanking Her 28-Year-Old Daughter Over Her Parenting Techniques

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Karen Stillwell, 52, was arrested after spanking her 28-year-old daughter, Renee Stillwell who allergy spanked her two year old unjustly. Karen Stillwell told local news, “She spanked that precious little baby, so I gave her a little slap on the behind to show her how it feels.”

Renee had a neighbor photograph pictures of the handprint on her behind and then called the police. “It wasn’t a little spanking. She tackled me to the ground and whacked me repeatedly,” said Renee Stillwell. “I’m not going to take that kind of abuse, especially not from my psycho mother. She hit me enough growing up. The only person who gets to hit me like that is my husband, but really, only if he’s a good boy and I don’t have a headache.”

When asked if she spanked her daughter as a child, Stillwell said she did, but only with good reason. “She was a willful little brat, always trying to get into my candy stash and her dad’s potato sticks. She deserved it. My grandson, that sweet little angel didn’t deserve it. He was just being mouthy, calling his mother a ‘fucking bitch,’ which, sad to say about my own daughter, is entirely true. It’s easy to see it’s a completely different situation.”

President Obama Arrested For Drunk Driving Returning From New Year’s Eve Party

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to police reports, President Barack Obama was arrested for drunk driving on his way back to the White House from a New Year’s Eve party in Baltimore.

The president, who normally is driven by secret service members, apparently become severely intoxicated at the home of a family friend, and snuck away from his bodyguards by climbing out of a bathroom window.

“The President jumped from a second story window after throwing up in the [unnamed friend’s] bathtub, and stole a car from their garage,” said police chief John Wiggin. “When he was pulled over, he had a blood-alcohol level of 2.0, and was driving 95mph down the wrong side of the road. He’s insanely lucky no one was hurt.”

The incident took place at approximately 7pm, and the President was reportedly sleeping it off in a Washington, D.C. jail cell. Police say it is highly likely the Obama will pardon himself of his crimes, as he has done several times during his presidency.

Police Arrest Bill Cosby Before Public Forgets To Hate Him

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

Bill Cosby was finally arrested, just days before the public forgot why they were supposed to hate him, for aggravated sexual assault. According to reports, Cosby admitted to drugging a woman almost a decade ago, using quaaludes.

“We went and grabbed him earlier today,” said police officer Joe Goldsmith. “He went pretty easily. We were prepared for anything really. I mean, he’s a celebrity, so normally we’d treat him with kid gloves, but at the same time, he’s also black, and an accused rapist, so really, we had to take it seriously.”

Cosby’s lawyers will probably argue that he is innocent, despite the fact that Cosby has, in the past, readily admitted in court that he was guilty of drugging and assaulting at least one woman.

No statement directly from Cosby, but spectators at the police station did say that he looked very haggard and old, but managed, somehow, to keep his penis in his pants.

“I was pretty scared he might drop something into my drink, even though I wasn’t drinking anything and was standing over 50 yards away,” said Merle Jones, who was at the Philadelphia police station when Cosby was brought in. “You can never be too careful with these rapist celebrities.”

Man Arrested For Killing His Roommate After He Touches Food With Dirty Fingers

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Benjamin Hopes admitting to hitting his roommate, Paul Bard, seven times in the face with a cast iron skillet.

If his defense all he had to say is, “Someone who fucks with your food doesn’t deserve to live. I saw his hands down the back of his pants, scratching his ass, then he went for my chips. I just snapped.” Hopes admits that he then dragged Bard’s body into his bedroom, and went about his normal routine for the day.

“After I had come out of it, I knew I was going to prison, and I was real hungry. So I had a nice fat steak, a couple of beers, and called a couple gals over to party,” said Hopes. Police were called after one guest found the body when searching for a bathroom.

“In retrospect I should have put him in the closet or something,” said Hopes. “I cleaned up the blood from off the floor and the walls, but when she found that bastard it really killed the mood. After that I knew there was no chance I was getting laid, so I called the police and turned myself in.”

Man Petitions City to Earn Community Service Credits for Future Infractions

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Alen Jackson says he doesn’t plan to break laws intentionally, but he still gets hassled all the time by police and meter-maids because, according to Jackson, “I’m black and proud.”

Jackson has taken his annoyances about laws to the city, where he has proposed what he calls “earn credits.” With the credits, a person wouldn’t get ticketed or hassled for minor infractions, because they’ve earned up a sort of “goodwill” with the city.

“I really don’t mind volunteering for community service or that sort of thing if it meant that I would be able to cash in on it later,” said Jackson. “This would be a successful community outreach program, and I suggest it be implemented, because people who look a certain way are going to get hassled more. It’s just a fact we have to live with, and this would encourage the community to come together.”

Jackson has suggested going as far as pre-serving time. “I could just go in on the weekends, spend a little time, and not have to worry about a wrongful conviction based on my looks later on.”

Jackson has also offered an alternative plan in response to the police brutality and violence he has seen on Facebook. “I have no record of violent offenses, so I don’t want to be shot for no reason,” said Jackson. “There should be a way to advertise this to protect myself. It could be as simple as a microchip. It could send a signal that says, ‘hey, he’s black, but he’s not dangerous,’ and a lot of innocent lives would be saved.”

Chicago lawmakers say they are considering the measures suggested by Jackson.

Woman Told By Husband To ‘Make Sandwiches’ Beats Him To Death With Loaf of Bread

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHINA, Maine –

A woman in the small town of China, Maine, was arrested on Christmas night after neighbors called 911 when they heard “blood-curdling screams” emanating from the house.

Megan Charles, 29, was taken into custody when police found her standing over her husband’s body. Joe Charles, 32, was dead on police arrival, beaten to death with a loaf of bread.

“To be honest, you wouldn’t think that someone could beat another person to death with a loaf of bread, but in this case, it’s completely true,” said China police chief Mario Jones. “I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my day, but nothing like this. We have taken Mrs. Charles into custody, and we have no further statements at this time.”

An anonymous source in the police office says that Megan Charles used a loaf of Heartland bread and bludgeoned her husband to death with it. According to Mrs. Charles, it was because her husband, Joe, would constantly berate her and force her to make sandwiches.

“Every day, every night, that’s all I’d get from him,” said Charles to a police investigator. “Go make me some sandwiches. Sandwiches this, sandwiches that. It was insane. I could have cooked him a 4 course meal, and he’d still just want a ham sandwich. Well fuck him, he can have his sandwiches in hell!”

Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Arrested On Fraud Charges

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly been arrested on charges of fraud after it was revealed that the presidential candidate was not actually black.

According to reports, Dr. Ben Carson was born white, and later changed his skin tone to get ahead in his primary field of surgical medicine.

“It’s very, very easy for a black man to get a job as a surgeon, or any doctor in any field, really,” said Dr. Miles Jones, head of medicine at Cambridge. “Affirmative Action basically makes it extremely easy for anyone who is black to get a job. Employers can’t risk not hiring someone who is African-American on the off-chance that they might get sued for racial discrimination.”

While Dr. Carson has not officially made a statement, a team of democratic naysayers have reportedly unearthed Ben Carson’s original birth certificate, which lists Carson as Caucasian. Dr. Carson’s legal team, as well as his campaign team, maintain that he is, and always has been, African-American.

Carson is being questioned by D.C. Police on charges of defrauding the public and gross misuse of campaign funds, after it was questioned whether or not a white man could actually receive money if the person donating thought it was going to a black man.

Baby Born With Facial Features Of Elephant Gets Mother Arrested On Beastiality Charges

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

A San Diego woman, Julie Clarke, 30, was arrested on possible beastiality charges after her baby, who was born almost 9 weeks premature, was delivered and had facial features of an elephant.

“We are extremely excited and immensely disturbed that this child was born,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the San Diego Medical Center. “Excited because it would be the first case of a sort of ‘natural’ gene combing, forming a new species. We are disturbed because the only way that this baby could have been made was because his mother had sex with an elephant.”

Clarke, who happens to be an employee at the San Diego Zoo, says that she didn’t have sex with an elephant, although she does say that she has no idea who the father of her baby is.

“I was going through a bit of a phase late last year into the beginning of this year,” said Clarke. “I was pretty much screwing anything that moved. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, so it’s what you do, you know? I think I’d remember having sex with an elephant though. Wouldn’t I? I mean seriously? I drank a ton at that point, but…Oh God, did I fuck an elephant and forget about it?”

Doctors are working closely with police investigators to see if Clarke should be charged with beastiality, or if some other sort of genetic malfunction caused the elephant face of the baby.

“One thing is certain, though, regardless of whether Ms. Clarke remembers having sex with an elephant,” said Dr. Brown. “The elephant, wherever he is, definitely remembers. After all, an elephant never forgets.”

Toddler Running With Scissors Accidentally Kills Sister

Posted on December 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOLEDO, Ohio –

A 5-year-old boy didn’t listen when he was told not to run with scissors, or perhaps he was never told. Tragically, the young boy was playing with real, non-safety scissors when accidentally fell into his sister, stabbing her in the face. She bled to death before being discovered later the same day in her toy box.

The mother, Karen Jones, 40, was reportedly heavily intoxicated and lay unconscious in her bedroom before police were finally called by neighbors about the little boy’s incessant screaming.

The neighbor who called police says, “In this neighborhood I’m surprised they didn’t find her with a needle in her arm. Sadly, it isn’t a surprise about that little girl. Kids running with scissors is deadly. More kids are dying from it every day. My little cousin was running with scissors, wasn’t looking, ran right into oncoming traffic.”

Authorities say the little boy will stay with family for now, while the district attorney decides how best to proceed.

Teenager Kills Parents With Machete After They Deny Him Dessert

Posted on December 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SASAFRASS, Mississippi –

A 19-year-old boy was arrested on Monday morning after calling 911 to report that he had murdered his parents.

“I hacked up my parents with a machete,” said the caller via the emergency number. “They pissed me off. They’ll never piss me off again.”

Police say that the teen, whose identity has not yet been released, was peacefully arrested in his home.

“When we arrive on the scene, the parents were everywhere,” said police chief Joel Clarke. “Pieces of mom here, chunks of dad there. It was a ghastly nightmare. The teen was busy taking pictures of himself holding the machete and posing menacingly. He was arrested with no incident.”

“They wouldn’t let me have any fucking cheesecake for dessert,” said the teen, who weighs over 300 pounds. “They were trying to help me ‘lose weight,’ yet they’re stuffing their fat faces with food right in front of me. They deserved it. They’ll be losing weight in hell, now.”

The teen faces first degree murder charges. In the state of Mississippi, he will likely receive the death penalty if convicted.