Woman Pushes Wife Down Stairs, Blames It On Cat; Later Arrested For Strangling Cat To Death

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

Evie Pipkin has been charged with animal cruelty and first degree murder after she allegedly threw her wife, Michelle Chen, down the stairs of their home and told police she had tripped over the cat. Days after the murder, Pipkin strangled the cat and posted a picture on Facebook saying; “It had to be done. Feeling: sad.”

Friend of the couple Laura Shealy says, “She made a big show out of strangling the cat, like the cat had intentionally tripped Michelle. What kind of person could even think of doing that? What kind of person thinks that’s the right thing to do? That’s when we knew she had killed Michelle. Deep in my heart I always knew, but that right there, that’s case closed in my book.”

Police picked Pipkin up on charges of animal cruelty, and questioned her further about the death of her wife. Pipkin denies harming Chen. “We just got married in October after the law was passed. We were still in the honeymoon phase. I know now I should just have brought Shadow to the Humane Society, but I was just so angry. I couldn’t think clearly in my grief.”

Police say they are holding Chen on the animal cruelty charges, but she will remain a prime suspect in the death of Pipkin, which they have yet to rule an accident.

Community Celebrates Drug Addict’s Death

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A candlelight vigil is planned for Friday to both mourn and celebrate the loss of 25-year-old Lawrence Brennan, who died of a heroin overdose last week.

Organizer John Higdon explains that while it is sad when an addict dies resulting from an addiction, it is also a relief. “It’s even worse when they continue to hurt others. Of course we want them to get better, but if there’s anything I have learned in my years as a drug counselor, most of the time there’s not much reason to hope they ever will.”

Lawrence’s Mother, Loretta Brennan, says, “I wish all addicts a peaceful passing. Of course I would never have wished for my son to die, but now that he has, it’s like a weight off all our shoulders. To me the person he was died five years ago when he got hooked on alcohol and heroin. The son I used to have would never pawn my jewelry or puke all over himself at our 4^th of July barbeque. The sweet boy who played football and helped me do the dishes – that’s the boy I am grieving for now.”

Although the family supports the celebration theme of the vigil, other members of the community say the feel it is inappropriate.

Celine Dion To Start Cancer Foundation, Wants Your Money

Posted on January 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HALIFX, Nova Scotia, Canada –

Within two days of each other last month, Celine Dion’s husband and brother died in battles with cancer. Throngs of fans were gathered outside of the funeral homes during each funeral, and security guards doubled as donation collectors passing around a hat so they could show their support. Dion says the money she has collected and future donations will go towards cancer research in Canada.

Dion reportedly came up with the idea while she was performing “My Heart Will Go On” as a tribute to her brother during a drunken karaoke session after he passed. “The song made me think of Titanic, which always makes me think of the boatload of money I made from that song. It also makes me think of how all our ships are going down in the long run, and I wanted to leave a legacy behind. Something my family could be proud of.”

The Daniel Dion Foundation will be based in Celine’s hometown of Charlemagne, Quebec. Dion says she hopes fans will redirect their fan mail there, and remember to include a check or money order.

“I had the choice between paying my rent, or sending Celine Dion a check, and I went with Dion,” said superfan Jamal Francis. “I have been in love with that woman’s voice since I could remember, and this is a good cause. I know she could give her own money, but my money is just as good.”

Channing Tatum’s Wife ‘Wanted Pet Goat To Die’

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Channing Tatum fans mourned with the actor at the loss of his daughter’s pet goat, Heather, earlier in the week. As the issue circled social media, some commented with “who cares about a celebrity’s livestock?”, but outraged goat-lovers felt for Tatum and his family, saying goats are lovable pets. One who apparently never found the goat lovable was Jenna Dewan Tatum who is said to have been grossed out by the goat and wanted it dead.

Hired stable hand to the stars, and former Tatum goat boy, Jesus Martinez, says Jenna always hated the goat. “She always complain of the smell. And said the goat would give her daughter worms. Heather was stubborn old goat who would’ve refused to die another five years. Mrs. Tatum threatened to poison her all the time. Maybe this time she did. Who to say? I am not animal doctor. I just know that death come too soon for poor Heather.”

Jealous women everywhere are calling for Channing to divorce Jenna, saying any one of them would be a better mommy to their child, Everly Tatum. “She aint no kind of woman if she wanted that sweet little goat to die. I would clean up the goat poop myself if it meant I got to lay my head on Channing’s sweet rippled chest at night,” says hopeful next-in-line Mia Kelly, superfan. “Goat poop, kid poop, whatever poop – who cares? Have you seen Channing with his clothes off? Mmm, mmm.”

AMC Says Next Season of ‘The Walking Dead’ Will Be Show’s Last

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

AMC, the channel behind the hit show The Walking Dead, says that the next season, which is the second-half of season 6, returning February, will be the last.

“Frankly, the show has gotten stale,” said showrunner Mark Lyons. “When we started this show, it was all people talked about, and now, it’s gone a little downhill. We started noticing it when people would post spoilers about characters or deaths on their social media pages, and no one even complained about it. When that starts happening, you know it’s time.”

Actors on the show say that they are “relieved” that the show will not be getting picked up for another season, because they’ve all gotten “pretty damn sick” of playing out the same storylines over and over again.

“There only so much walking, talking, and zombie killing you can really do before the audience gets bored, and before the actors get bored,” said star Norman Reedus. “Frankly, I hope that Darryl does die. At least now I know no one will riot, because no one is even really watching the show. I’ll be happier going back to movies, anyway. Boondock Saints 3 is on my horizon, and I can’t wait.”

Man Severs Spine Trying To Be Hero; Attempted To Lift Car Off Trapped Child

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

The Northeast was hit with their first major snowstorm of the winter, and numerous accidents were reported across several states. In New Hampshire, one man is now paralyzed from the waist down after he attempted to lift a car off a child who was trapped after an accident.

“I was right behind the car as it went off the road, and flipped down into the ditch,” said Mario Lemmon, 32. “It was the scariest thing I ever saw. I ran right over to the car, and I saw that the driver, a woman, was dead. Her head had come clean off. There was a child trapped inside, though, and with all my blood pumping, I was so jacked I just thought, ‘shit, I can lift this.’ Turns out cars are heavy.”

Doctors say that Lemmon attempted to lift the car entirely with his back, in a jerking, twisting motion. Proper protocol for a heavy lift is, according to doctors and physical therapists, to do so with your legs.

“I guess in all the excitement, I got confused, and I just went at it, heave-ho,” said Lemmon. “But hey, you know, at least I tried. That’s more than a lot of people would do.”

Lemmon will be paralyzed for the rest of his life. Both the child and his mother, who were not identified, ended up dying at the scene of the accident.

New Drug ‘Kratom’ Kills Teenager In Massachusetts

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Tiffany Maestras lost her son Lawrence to a drug she did not even know existed, and now, she wants to warn other parents about Kratom.

Erowid.com classifies Kratom as a stimulant, depressant, and intoxicant, which to teens looking for a high spells “fun, fun, fun.”

“The leaves are chewed as an opiate substitute and stimulant in Thailand and South-East Asia, primarily among the working class. It has a relatively long history of human use,” said doctor Jeff Myers. “To teenagers, this means it must be safe enough. Why not give it a whirl?”

Teen user Dave says, “It’s easier than trying to find someone to buy you beer. The only thing is you have to wait 2-3 weeks for your order to come in. The high is fucking tit, though.”

Maestras says her son overdosed when he was dared to do the “Kratom Challenge.” He made a strong tea by boiling an entire package of Kratom. After it cools, they chug the tea followed by a case of beer.

“All the kids are going to be doing it now that they find out someone got so high they died,” says Maestras. “I know how kids are. They’re stupid, and they’ll try anything. I mean hell, look at the Cinnamon challenge. Dumb.”

Man Arrested For Killing His Roommate After He Touches Food With Dirty Fingers

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Benjamin Hopes admitting to hitting his roommate, Paul Bard, seven times in the face with a cast iron skillet.

If his defense all he had to say is, “Someone who fucks with your food doesn’t deserve to live. I saw his hands down the back of his pants, scratching his ass, then he went for my chips. I just snapped.” Hopes admits that he then dragged Bard’s body into his bedroom, and went about his normal routine for the day.

“After I had come out of it, I knew I was going to prison, and I was real hungry. So I had a nice fat steak, a couple of beers, and called a couple gals over to party,” said Hopes. Police were called after one guest found the body when searching for a bathroom.

“In retrospect I should have put him in the closet or something,” said Hopes. “I cleaned up the blood from off the floor and the walls, but when she found that bastard it really killed the mood. After that I knew there was no chance I was getting laid, so I called the police and turned myself in.”

Family Sells Haunted Doll For $3.7M At Auction

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A family in Florida have become millionaires overnight after selling a doll that has been in their family for the last 40 years. The doll sold for almost $4 million dollars at auction because the family listed it as “haunted” with the auction house.

“That doll has been tormenting our family for over 4o years, and every time we tried to get rid of it, it would come back,” said Mark Rogers, who had originally picked up the doll for his daughter at a yard sale in 1974. “I paid fifty cents for it back then, so I’d say we got our money’s worth on it. Thing is, I can’t honestly be sure it won’t come back again.”

The person who bought the doll, Gary Smith, says that he couldn’t pass up owning a haunted doll, even if it cost $4 million.

“There was another bidder on the phones, and he was pushing it up and up, but I just had to have it,” said Smith. “I have a large collection of odd, bizarre, and creepy things in my house, so this will fit it nicely.”

According to Rogers, the doll has been locked away in their basement for the last 10 years or so.

“When we had it out last, it killed our dog and splayed the blood everywhere while we slept,” said Rogers. “I’ve tried everything to get rid of it. Burning, throwing it in the trash, shredding it, smashing it with a hammer – we even took it on a trip to Greece one time, and left it behind. Sure enough, it was sitting on the couch when we got back. Selling it is the last thing that we’re trying. I figured I bought it, and it never went back to the previous owner, so maybe this will work. I hope to Christ it does.”

Man Returning From Active Duty Gift Wraps Himself As X-Mas Surprise, Suffocates In Box

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TRENTON, New Jersey –

An Army officer returning from active duty in Pakistan who planned a wonderful surprise for his family on Christmas, having himself gift wrapped and shipped home by UPS, was found dead early Christmas morning after his family neglected to open the present right away.

“We didn’t know that he was in there, because we had no idea that he was coming home,” said Mary Charles, whose husband, Donald, was in the box. “Last we spoke, he wasn’t coming home for a couple weeks, and I was so busy getting the kids their presents, I didn’t even notice it sitting in the corner until later in the day, and by then, it was too late. Plus, there was no tag, so no one knew to even open it. Christmas is a super busy holiday, you know?”

Officer Donald Charles had served two tours of duty, and was slated to have been home for good.

“Normally we don’t ship people, but since it was Christmas, I made an exception,” said UPS store employee Mike Mills. “Mr. Charles came into the store and wanted us to gift wrap him and ship him to his home, which was only a few miles away. I wrapped him up myself, although I guess I forgot to put holes in. Whoops.”

According to police, no charges will be filed against Mills or UPS, although officers warn against shipping yourself, or any living creature, through the mail.