Scientist Says He Discovered Cure For AIDS; Reportedly ‘Very Simple’

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Bill McGregor may soon be a household name. The father of five and microphysicist believes he has found the long sought after cure for AIDS. What’s more, he claims it is very simple and has little to do with science.

“It’s been staring us in the face, all this time, and somehow all the greatest minds of our generation have missed it,” McGregor told a gathering of AIDS specialists. “It comes down to basic common sense. In fact, I got the idea from my newborn daughter.”

The AIDS virus came to medical attention in 1981, spreading mainly among homosexuals, but soon became an epidemic. It spread globally, leading to a particularly huge number of casualties on the African continent. Scientists and doctors have spent the three decades since trying to find a cure for it, as well as a vaccine, with little success. Only recently has treatment made it possible for victims to live with the disease.

It is in this context that McGregor’s discovery is seen. If proven effective, it will bring relief to hundreds of millions of patients, both now and in the future.

“What it comes down to, is infecting the patient with another, more deadly virus, or inflicting immense physical damage on them,” McGregor told his colleagues. “Once they have contracted, for example, Ebola, they are no longer at risk of dying from AIDS. It’s really quite remarkable.”

His inspiration came, he explained, when he accidentally threw his newborn child against a wall.

“We were really worried about Amy at the time, because she was born with a heart defect. Doctors told us she could live a relatively long life, but would have to have regular surgery and blood transfusions. After the accident, the doctors gave her ten hours to live, and we realized her heart problems were over. Since then I’ve been urging other parents of defective children to do the same, and it didn’t take long for me to theorize that the same treatment would work effectively against AIDS.”

McGregor has been hailed as a genius, and is expected to win a Nobel Prize for his contributions to medical science.

#TheDress: Neuroscientists Say People Who See White, Gold Have Mental Deficiencies

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a follow-up study after last week’s #TheDress controversy, neuroscientists have confirmed that people who saw white and gold, as opposed to the dress’s true colors of black and blue, have important mental deficiencies. The reason that these individuals – about 26% of those surveyed – see the wrong colors, is that their brains are not adaptable enough to note subtle changes in a photograph’s hemispheric hue.

“This goes a long way to explaining the huge deficit between sectors of the world’s functioning population,” said head researcher, Dr. Larry Thoreaux. “Those we term ‘team white-and-gold’ are not intellectually crippled in such a way as to be clinically retarded or unable to carry out everyday tasks. However, they can be routinely expected to perform poorly in arguments, have only minimal career success, and be severely irritating by remaining stubborn in believing delusional realities.”

The discoveries have resulted in debates about #TheDress once again breaking out in full force, with team white-and-gold especially vehement.

“Scientists are holding our society for ransom!” shouted one deluded fool.

“They’re as wrong about this as they are about that dress being blue and white!” boomed another, confusingly.

“Never believe what you read!” was a third’s insistence, at which point we stopped listening to their ramblings.

Members of team blue-and-black – the correct, well-adapted majority – were circumspect and straightforward in response.

“We’ve seen the actual dress, in person, and it is blue and black,” said a non-mentally deficient individual. “Those who do not accept that reality are deluded, and we pity them. Science is pointing us towards technological and biological development and must not be underestimated, even if these poor fools are mentally unable to accept the truth.”

At time of press, our offices have erupted into fearsome fighting, with mentally deficient colleagues screaming irrational sentiments and flinging chairs around at their smarter (and coincidentally better looking) co-workers.

New Study Shows White Bread Is Fantastic Weight-Loss Food

Posted on February 3, 2015 by katy_rev

SANTA FE, New Mexico –

It has been commonly repeated that white bread is unhealthy, non-nutritious and caloric, but according to a recent study performed by food scientists at the prestigious Merda Science Center in New Mexico, new, controversial discoveries have been made in regards to the nutritional value of white bread.

According to nutritionists and dietitians, white bread can actually make us thinner. “We noticed that bread contains some nutrients which, when eaten regularly, compound with digestive acids and speed up digestion,” says Dr. Clara Watson from the Science Center. “White bread can affect our bodies in extremely positive ways, but only if it’s eaten regularly. Scientists recommend eating it at least three times a day, every day, with no exceptions. The minimum daily dose is 600 grams. The bigger the amount, the greater the chance of weight loss.”

The Institute for Healthy Diet in Massachusetts also recently experimented with white bread and weight loss. Their study included 100 volunteers, very diverse, which included both males and females of different ages. The participants ate different amounts of white bread, every day, for three months. As a result, 90% of them lost weight. Those who ate more, lost more weight. Only volunteers who consumed less than 600 grams a day didn’t reduce weight. 80% of participants noticed their general physical condition got better, and 65% said they felt happier, lighter, and more emotionally stable than before.

“I will never eat whole grains again. White bread saved my life. I was overweight, my wife left me, and I used to spend all day watching TV. Then I joined the experiment and the Healthy Diet center, and within three months I became happy, fit, and healthy. I’m a different person now,” says Matthew Jones, one of participants. “The only real change is how often I use the bathroom. I used to be a once-a-day kind of man. Generally now, it’s 12 or 13 times a day. But, better to be shitting than feel like shit, am I right?”

Nutritionists have been trying to find the key to safe and easy weight loss for decades, and now believe that the answer was right in front of them in the form of Wonder Bread. “These findings are life-changing, and will be so for many people,” said Dr. Watson. “It’s truly a miracle of weight loss.”

NYC Residents Report Polar Bear Sightings Throughout City

Posted on February 2, 2015 by katy_rev

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Yesterday, inhabitants of New York reported seeing polar bears in different public places. Scientists are trying to understand how the animals got to the city.

“First I thought I got crazy, I mean, I saw a bear in the middle of the city! Then I asked my girlfriend if she saw it too. She did! Man, there was a real polar bear walking around NYC as if it was some kind of Antarctica!” says Matt Barrow, one of the witnesses.

Bears were seen in East Village, Astor Row, Bushwick and Greenpoint. Three times it was one single grown-up bear, and once a person reported seeing a whole family of bears. Only one bear was caught, and has been taken to the Bronx Zoo.

Today, scientists from Columbia University and New York University met to discuss the issue. “It’s a puzzle, but we have a few theories and we will find out if one of them is real,” says Dr Hannah Sparks.

Scientists think the event might be connected to the harsh winter New York City is now experiencing. Some of them believe black bears that live in the state of New York suddenly evolved into polar bears. This incredibly fast evolution is supposed to be caused by weather conditions.

“Perhaps bears adjust better than humans. People still cannot accept it’s snowing so much,” says Dr. Sparks. “We believe the bears left the woods and came to the city, because they got shocked with their own sudden transformation and started wandering around. Other scientists say the bears traveled to The Big Apple from Canada. Animals sensed the coldness of New York City, and realized it is now a great place to live. According to one theory, they traveled through the land, while the second claims they used ice floes and sailed the ocean.”

Authorities are urging people that if they see the polar bears on the streets of New York City to please call Wildlife Management or the local police. They warn residents that they should not touch the animals, as they aren’t just white, adorable balls of fur. The fluffiness is just a cover for strength and danger.

Scientist Says Hawaii Has Moved Closer To Continental US; Expects State To Hit Within 30 Years

Posted on January 17, 2015 by JP

HONOLULU, Hawaii –

Have you ever wanted to take a trip to Hawaii but hate flying? Well, in about 30 years, you’ll be able to easily drive there, according to geographical research scientist Matt Gantt. In a study that Gantt has been leading for the last 10 years, the geological scientist says that they have found that the entire main island of Hawaii has slowly, but surely, moved closer to the coast of California.

The study began after geologists set to work mapping out the islands, and while doing so, noticed that the numbers didn’t add up to an older map, and that the main section of Hawaii had seemingly moved closer to the mainland continental United States. 5 years later, they checked again, and again the found the islands to have drifted closer. In 2015, the study indicated a total movement of nearly 100 miles.

“At the rate it is going, it looks as though Hawaii will become part of the continental states within the next 30 years,” said Gantt. “We are currently researching ways to stop this, but so far my team and I coming up empty. Our main hope is to find a way to do so before it hits the coast, which could potentially cause major disasters and coastal flooding.”

Gantt says that if they are unable to stop Hawaii from drifting, it could also cause a huge climate change for not only the islands, but also for anyone on the west coast. Fear of wild life extinction and severe weather, among other things, is a top priority for Gantt and his team as they work to change what they say is, at this point, an inevitability.

“We have considered many options, but so far nothing has worked on paper, and with movement on such a massive scale, we need to plan thoroughly before acting. At this point, it would seem our best option may be to just get giant anchors and hang them off the edges of the islands. It might be our only way to stop, or slow, the movement.”

NASA Scientists Admit Moon Landing Was A Hoax

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOUSTON, Texas –

NASA officials today admitted what many conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years, that man never walked on the moon. Chief scientist Alan Anderson said the lunar landing hoax had ‘gone on long enough,’ and that it was becoming ridiculous to keep claiming that men have been to the moon.

”You have to understand, NASA was under a lot of pressure when President Kennedy promised the Nation that he’d put a man on the moon before the Ruskies,” said Space Technology Scientist Alan Anderson. “We told him it was impossible, so he knew it had to be faked.”

“As the story goes he threatened to cut off funding if we didn’t go along with the hoax,” said NASA engineer Rod Sterling. “People are smarter these days, and it’s getting more ridiculous and more difficult to keep the lie going. We’re coming forward today to put an end to the lies and the manipulation of the public, and to put a stop to a planned 2018 hoax Mars mission. NASA does a lot of good things, and our technology advances have helped mankind in many ways. I just don’t want to see us waste our time and your tax dollars. We have real work to do.”

NASA spokesmen said that President Obama had, like all presidents before him, knowledge of the hoax, and was required to keep it a secret by the CIA and the White House.

“In the government, it’s normally extremely hard to keep a secret. Something like this, I can’t believe we’ve been able to keep it going this long,” said Anderson. “I mean, Nixon couldn’t keep a break-in at a hotel under wraps, and Clinton couldn’t keep his affairs out of the media for more than 5 minutes. I honestly can’t believe no one has spilled the beans before now.”

Family Friend Reveals Shocking Secret About Kim & Kanye’s Baby

Posted on December 30, 2014 by Empire News

LOS ANGELES, California –

You can hardly turn on your television these days without seeing a Kardashian, and with the recent Kim-Kanye nuptials, it’s been like a flesh-eating virus that refuses to go away.

Rumors about Kanye’s controlling behaviors and Kim’s ever-present derrière pics continue to plague the internet and social media. According to a Kardashian insider, Kanye controls everything Kim does, right down to the clothes she wears, the photos she posts, and limiting her public appearances.

“Kanye is on an unrelenting quest to have the perfect family – well, a perfect family that is obsessed over by the media, anyway,” said the anonymous source, a reported close friend of the couple. “Kim fills the wife roll perfectly, or at least parts of her do, and now it turns out that he has taken his quest one huge, dramatic, over-the-top step further.”

While it remains no big surprise that the couple’s one-year-old baby, North West, is already being made into a media staple, apparently the unusual method of conception has been kept a secret since her birth. For years, many infertile parents have resorted to in vitro fertilization as a means of reproduction, but in Kim and Kanye’s case, it was used for a much less conventional purpose.

“In order for his child to have the best chances of having the specific traits he most desired, Kanye resorted to creating his very own genetically modified offspring,” according to the anonymous source. “With the help of the Center for Genetic Research in San Diego, two sets of eggs were fertilized with Kanye’s sperm – one from Kim, and one from another woman named Erica Goldsmith. Mrs. Goldsmith’s eggs contained precisely what Kanye was looking for when it came to ‘proper’ genetic makeup. It cost him millions of dollars to have the tests, research, and implanting done.”

Since North West is one of the first of such genetically modified ‘designer babies,’ the end result of the procedure cannot be truly know until she begins to mature. Undoubtably, the couple will continue to chart the progress of their lab-created bundle of joy through the normal socialite methods of Twitter and Instagram.

Experts Predict Major Bed Bug Infestation In The U.S. Will Kill Thousands In 2015

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FORT COLLINS, Colorado –

Cimex lectularius, commonly known as the Bed Bug here In the United States, is a parasitic insect which feeds primarily on human blood, and has become infamous for its infestations within the past decade. Dr. DeMarcus Johnson, head of Insect Sciences at Colorado State University says, though, that these last ten years were ‘the easy part.’

“The good ol’ days are clearly behind us,” Dr. Johnson said. “Sometime after spring and heading into Summertime, we will begin to see massive Bed Bug infestations, so drastic that we predict large quantities will feed on humans and cause significant loss of life.”

“I do not take any comfort in alarming the good people of this beautiful country, but this is by-far more of a probability rather than a possibility. To put into perspective, just imagine getting stung by hundreds of bees at the same time while asleep at night. If that happened to millions of Americans every night, thousands of those people would die on a weekly basis. These little suckers are sneaky and do not sting like a bee does, they just gradually suck the blood right out of you without even waking you up.” Dr. Johnson stated.

Bed Bugs have increasingly become more of a problem in the United States every year. The pests build massive nests inside mattresses, and when a human being lies on the mattress they sense the person’s body heat, at which point they go into feeding mode by sucking blood out of the human body, much like a tick or a leech. When silently attacked by thousands of the insects during sleep, they can literally suck you dry. The also carry a vast array of deadly diseases.

“We are doing everything we can to warn American citizens of this awful soon-to-be plague, but unfortunately, there just isn’t much else to do but make sure your home is clear of them now. Buy new mattresses, couches, chairs, and any other ‘soft’ furniture you may have in your home. Burn the ones that exist now. Replace old carpets with new, or use strictly hardwood flooring. Do not wait until spring or summer, by then, I regret to say, it will be much too late. Vampires are real, and they exist in the form of the Bed Bug.”

Man With Disorder Has Hundreds Of Orgasms A Day; Says ‘Life is Amazing’

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Scott Smith of Boston, Massachusetts, considers himself the luckiest man alive. For the last several years, Smith has suffered from Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome, or PGAS. Five years ago, Mr. Smith injured his groin muscles while lifting and mounting a big screen TV to the wall. On his way to the hospital, he says that he ejaculated ‘5 or 6 times,’ and the orgasms have not stopped since.

“Life is amazing, just amazing,” said the 32-year-old. ”My girlfriend left me because I couldn’t last more than a minute or two. I lost my job because I kept ejaculating all over the place every few minutes. But you know, what? Who cares?! I’m orgasming hundreds of times a day, and it feels Goddamned amazing!”

Smith says that the orgasms can happen at any time, day or night, with little to no triggers.

“I never know what’s going to set it off. I like to go to the park and watch the joggers, or sometimes the mall, or even the subway – any where chicks hang out. When I orgasm, I’ll shout out ‘this one’s for you, baby!’ I can’t control it, so naturally I try to avoid playgrounds and elementary schools. Just because I cum hundreds of times a day doesn’t mean I’m a creep.”

Despite the amazing feeling that Smith receives literally hundreds of times a day, he says that PGAS does have its downsides.

“I started wearing diapers at night so I don’t ruin my sheets, and during the day I wear condoms or else I’ll go through tons of underwear. I used to just let them crust up, but that’s embarrassing when you have to do your laundry at the laundromat. I just change out the rubber when it gets full, but all things consider [PGAS] is like a gift from God that just keeps cumming and cumming.”

Smith says he is using internet dating sites to find a woman who has similar symptoms.

“PGAS is even more rare in women,” said Smith. “But if I can find a girl who cums as much as I do, we’ll be a match made in heaven!”

87% Of Population Fear Having Feet Grabbed By Boogeyman If Left Uncovered During Sleep

Posted on November 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

STORRS, Connecticut –

The National Association of Sleep Comfort and Coziness (NASCC), a scientific sleep and comfort research program based at the University of Connecticut, released scientific findings accumulated by a clinical study earlier this week showing that 87% of Americans fear having their bare, uncovered feet snatched by the mythical creature known as ‘The Boogeyman’.

Dr. Jason Harper, who leads all studies conducted by the NASCC explained the details of the month-long clinical trial in an interview with Empire News yesterday morning.

“For this study we compiled five-hundred participants, five males and five females from all fifty U.S. states. The trial, which was conducted over a period of thirty days, showed that the overwhelming majority of test subjects could not get a good, sufficient night of sleep if their feet were left uncovered, no matter the temperature,” Dr. Harper said. “Upon further analysis, it was ultimately discovered that 87% of the test subjects had the subconscious, and overwhelming feeling that some mysterious being, aka ‘The Boogeyman’, would come along and grab their uncovered feet as they tried to coax themselves into falling asleep.”

Mark Grammar, of Louisville, Kentucky, who was a participant in the study, told Empire News that he did not consciously believe in ‘The Boogeyman’ before the thirty-day trial, but has had an overpowering sense of fear when trying to sleep at night with his feet uncovered all his life.

“It sounds crazy I know,” Grammar said. “I just can’t fall asleep at night with my bare feet left uncovered because I expect some person or creature to come along and grab them. I would never have believed it, but the study showed that it is indeed a powerful manifestation of my subconscious mind, and that is why most people feel so vulnerable about leaving their bare feet uncovered at night.”

Dr. Harper revealed that 56% of test subjects were females who have a fear of the foot-snatching creeper, leaving 31% males who fear the intimidating, sleep depriving, podiatrist-aspiring beast.

Tanya Brown, of San Diego, California, one of the fearless 13%, said that she laughed all the way through the experiment. “It was such a hoot! Most everyone would be so tired everyday because they couldn’t sleep because they were afraid of the Boogeyman! I mean really? The struggle is indeed real! The Boogeyman gonna getcha!” Brown said as she laughed out loud.