New ‘Google Companion’ Nanochip Tracks Your Baby’s Life, Auto-Posts To Social Media Pages

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New 'Google Companion' Nanochip Tracks Your Baby’s Life

GOOGLE, United States – 

Google’s revolutionary advertising platform just made another landmark in advertising history: their newest innovation, called Google Companion.

Google Companion is a nanochip that tracks emotions, memories, new experiences, conversations, and much more. All the information is transmitted to Google and used to personalize your web experience. It is typically injected into newborns, but can be planted in adults, too.

Companion also teamed up with Facebook to seamlessly integrate with your smart phone. The chip, which is 4GLTE compatible, will automatically fill your status update with some relevant information when you open Facebook: your location, what you just did, any recent food or beverages consumed, how you are feeling, and even some basic information about your love life.

“Privacy is a thing of the past,” said Google’s CEO. “We live in an age where that’s really more of a hindrance. The government already spies on all of us, and people overshare as it is – we’re just here to take the stigma away and make use of society’s latest evolution.”

Some early studies of the chip’s capabilities have had stunning results. One impressed mother recounted her latest story for Empire News.

“I brought my little girl to the pediatrician a few days ago, and while the doctor was looking at her I checked my phone. An ad popped up for calamine lotion before the doctor even told me she had chicken pox!”

The United States government provided Google with some additional funding in exchange for access to their database. Officials say this will cut down on crime, cost and abundance of court trials, and provide next-generation national security. When asked about this potentially controversial decision, Google’s CEO responded:

“Like I said earlier, it’s already happening. We’re just making it easier and less shocking. This also gives people control over it when they previously had none. Well, kind of. I mean, not really, but we get to publish more pretty infographics!”

Kim & Kanye’s Baby North Confirmed To Be Actual Child After Several Month Study

Kanye West's Baby North Confirmed To Be Actual Child After Several Month Study

LOS ANGELES, California – 

North West, daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, has been the subject of much debate since her uncontrollable raging tantrum at the NYFW show in February, but scientists may have finally put the question to rest.

The theory that North West was a baby has been floating around for many months, but it was not until Samson Germaine, the head of the specialized North West Research Foundation, had the chance to observe her in person that it was confirmed.

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“I suspected all along that the reason she was crying was because she was a baby. Many other suggestions floated around, ranging from Mr. West himself saying she was just standing up for him in the past to renowned behavioral psychologists pointing to her long-standing issues with anxiety from a turbulent stock portfolio.”

The theory was dismissed by his colleagues at first, but Germaine pressed on.

“I didn’t have much to go on other than a hunch, but I checked it out anyway. Sometimes you have to do things that way.”

Germaine says he followed the trio anywhere he legally could without “being too creepy,” until he overheard her father talking about changing her diaper.

“Well, when I heard that I thought: she’s certainly not elderly, and what other class of people wear diapers?”

After publishing his findings in a peer reviewed journal, the world immediately took to social media in disbelief, spreading the news almost within the hour. The mystery of why young North West cried at inopportune moments was finally solved, and the world rested a little easier.

Rehabilitation Center Trains Penguins to Eat With Chopsticks to Enjoy Meals

Rehabilitation Center Trains Penguins to Eat With Chopsticks to Enjoy Meals

SAN DIEGO, California – 

Rehabilitators, biologists, and animal lovers in California are working through an animal rehabilitation center to bring back the joy of eating food to one of the planet’s most beloved species.

It’s been many years since penguins had the ability to taste their food. Janes, head of the research department at the center, explains one of her theories:

“They eat fish. They swallow their food whole. They don’t even cook it, or skin it, or clean it – how can that be tasty? So since they’re basically eating the wildlife equivalent of sushi, we thought it best to teach them to slow down, take a minute to savor the food, and eat it properly – with chopsticks!”

She posits that teaching penguins to eat with chopsticks will slow them down at mealtime, allowing them to experience wonderful tastes once again.

“The biggest challenge so far,” Janes said, “has been figuring out how they can use the chopsticks without fingers. It’s been a battle, but we’re making good progress.”

Slowing them down also means that penguin families will have more time together, sharing the same mealtime-bonding that humans do. This is expected to lessen Antarctic youth crimes by as much as 80% in the first year. The Antarctic Penguins Police Force (APPF) has made a generous monetary gift in support of this program and is urging other communities, such as the Galapagos Penguins, to do the same.

“If we can spend our taxpayer dollars to help our neighbors improve their quality of life instead of paying for crimes out of frustration and depression – well it’s not even a question,” the Chief of the APPF said.

The group’s next move is to teach the penguins how to clean and cook their fish before eating them. A number of spices and some cooking utensils will be sent home with each released penguin.

Center for Disease Control Reports ‘Zombie Movie’ Virus Finally Declining

Center for Disease Control Reports 'Zombie Movie' Virus Finally Declining

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After years of the uncontrollable so-called “Zombie Movie” virus infecting nearly the entire world, the CDC (Center for Disease Control) released a statement saying it has run its course and is beginning to fade away.

“This disease is deadly because it grows so quickly,” a representative said. “Companies make zombie movies and people eat them up. Those people bring their friends into the mix, who then bring their friends, and so-on.”

Especially with the rise of superhero movies, adaptations of fairy tales, and indie films, the zombie movie genre is expected to reach its pre-millennium state of about one movie per year, down from twelve. The CDC warns, however, that the nature of the virus is deceptive.

“It could surge back at any time. All it takes is one infectious movie and the entire industry will turn into a horde of genre-milking mindless zombies once again.”

A similar outbreak occurred in the past with the Vampire Movie Virus, although society as a whole was able to completely stop its self-sustaining spread thanks to the Twilight series.

The CDC shared a list of four ways to prepare for the inevitable return of the virus:

  1. Unboard your windows. Keeping yourself locked inside with the deadly “Netflix” agitator could lead to multiple viewings of zombie flicks.
  2. Diversify your interests. CDC recommends purchasing a Kindle and at least branching out to 50 Shades of Grey, preferably going as far as reading something educational.
  3. Avoid other zombies. If you know someone who is a zombie-buff, stay away from them for at least 30 days to rebuild your immunity.
  4. And finally, check out some media from your parents’ generation, but beware that prolonged exposure to modern entertainment may degrade one’s ability to appreciate quality films.

Experts say with proper care and quick handling of outbreaks, zombie movies may all but disappear by 2018.

Lady Gaga Gets Engaged; World Shocked It’s To A Human

Lady Gaga Gets Engaged; World Shocked It's To A Human

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Following the very public drama of Lady Gaga’s divorce from Xxzorzg, the fading star has done something that some are questioning to be a publicity stunt. She is engaged to marry a human, with a date set for next spring.

“This is clearly just a cry for attention,” analyst L. N. Ripley told Empire News. “I’m not even sure if she’s actually a human herself. It’s just another crazy stunt – and considering the fact that you’re interviewing me about it, I’d say it worked.”

Gaga’s previous partner expressed how her actions are taking a toll on him.

“It would be one thing if she was probing my buddy or something, but a human? It really does a number on your self esteem. And it just hurts to see her putting on this charade. At least she willingly talked to Taylor Swift – that was pretty weird.”

Since the engagement, Gaga has been spotted out in public doing “normal human things” like jumping into icy lakes and wearing outfits that aren’t comprised of seemingly completely random objects. Fiancé Taylor Kinney seems to have no qualms with her past love life.

Lady Gaga has only made one comment on the matter, choosing to dismiss and avoid the situation rather than fan the flames.

“My fans used to love me when I acted crazy. That’s just not me anymore. I’m not an alien – I’m just a normal chick making normal music and living a normal life,” she said as she finished zipping up her human disguise bodysuit.

Meet Microsoft’s New Browser, ‘Definitely-Not-Internet-Explorer’

Meet Microsoft's New Browser, 'Definitely-Not-Internet-Explorer'

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

The whole world – even Microsoft – came to realize that Internet Explorer was a useless old relic, burying it alongside its old cousin, Netscape. With this, however, they sought to create a new browser that would capture the hearts and fingertips of internet users everywhere. Meet the newest contender from the oldest name in the arena: DeNIE, or “Definitely Not Internet Explorer.”

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella spoke briefly about its improvements over its notorious predecessor:

“Basically, there are a few cool new gadgets which could have been just added in to Internet Explorer in an update, but the real change is the name. DeNIE is a new brand that people can explore with fresh eyes, whereas Internet Explorer was something that most people immediately steered away from.”

Microsoft’s analysts conducted extensive research on the existing browser giants to determine what made them popular in the first place. The result was simple: they weren’t Internet Explorer.

We had the pleasure of test-driving their new software during an interview; when it was mentioned that it felt and even looked exactly like the old browser, Nadella agreed.

“Again, as long as we deny that it is Internet Explorer, people will use it. To be honest it’s the same exact browser, just rebranded – same security issues, slowness, and clinginess to legacy features.”

DeNIE is planned to release with Windows 10, which the company is considering renaming to “Not Made by Microsoft” to pull in users from the ever growing Apple and Android fan crowd who once again, according to Microsoft’s researchers, only made the switch because of the name.

New Film Features Crossover Between ‘The Hangover,’ ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’

New Film Features Crossover Between 'The Hangover,' 'Nightmare on Elm Street'

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

It’s a crossover that no one expected but everyone is raving about – ‘The Hangover,’ directed by Todd Phillips, and ‘Nightmare on Elm Street,’ directed by Wes Craven, come together as the two great minds collaborate on ‘Hangover on Elm Street.’

Canonically, the film is removed from both preceding series, meaning it is meant to be taken as an entirely standalone story. Familiar faces from both films are expected to appear: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifinakis, and Justin Bartha, as well as the legendary and the apparently immortal Robert Englund, better known as Freddy Krueger, whose career has shown no signs of slowing since 1974.

While not many details have been leaked, as the film is still in the midst of production, the plot appears to lean heavily toward the horror original. It may involve just about everyone passing out drunk after an epic bachelor party, and falling victim to Krueger’s claws in an almost satirically cheesy manner similar to the original ‘Nightmare on Elm Street.’ Ken Jeong as Mr. Chow is expected to make an appearance, doing something racist and drug related, and then promptly dying.

In order to attract the greatest male audience, most of the female roles have been re-casted with much younger actresses. Craven and Phillips fully intend to imbue the same or better sexual content in the new film.

Initial responses to the film have been varied, some citing it as a possible “bad sequel” to the legendary classic art film and the lesser but still noteworthy horror flick. The idea seems to be warming, though, as fans from both sides realize that compared to most recent films, it would take serious effort for this to look like anything other than gold.

Azealia Banks Playboy Spread Proves No One Actually Reads Articles

Azealia Banks Playboy Spread Proves No One Actually Reads Articles

LOS ANGELES, California – 

With the recent appearance of Azealia Banks posing nude in an edition of Playboy, the magazine’s editors still seem to be unaware that no one actually reads the magazine.

When asked about Banks and her insightful comments in the issue of Playboy, straight men and lesbians everywhere divided into two camps: those who didn’t even realize there was text alongside each picture, and those who know what Google Image Search is.

From the first camp, Sarah, 26, explained her surprise.

“Wow, it’s like an optical illusion! First all I saw was boobs, but after you pointed it out the words just magically appeared!”

She later commented that she still wasn’t going to read it, since she didn’t really care what Banks had to say and was more concerned about how much wasted space the text takes up when it could be filled by pictures.

On the other side, 20 year-old college student Zach mentioned that he didn’t understand why or how Playboy still published a magazine:

“People seriously still pay for that? I can find an endless stream of dirty pictures – including all of the ones in this magazine – on Google in a matter of seconds.”

Banks herself took to social media to explain that she really wanted her fans to read her comments, and that she didn’t just do it for money or attention. She cited it as a move toward equality, or something, and then posted more scantily-clad photos of herself. Despite her request, even loyal fans find themselves in either Zach or Sarah’s situation.

Dentists Retract Years Of Research, Now Say Candy Helps Teeth Stay Strong

Dentists Retract Years Of Research, Now Say Candy Helps Teeth Stay Strong

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Warnings of rotting teeth and early dentures immediately spring to mind for many who grew up with health-conscious parents, but a recent trend among dentists may mean that is all about to change.

Dentists all over the world are declaring that candy and other sugar-packed sweets are actually the secret to strong, healthy teeth. This is backed by the ADA, or American Dental Association, who seem to be the originators of the claim. The ADA Seal of Acceptance, which previously appeared on products like toothpaste and some gum, will now appear on many types of candy.

“Hard sugary candies and the sticky stuff that gets stuck to your teeth are the best,” the ADA’s executive director explained. “The old idea that sugar rots your teeth out was akin to the idea that the Earth was flat – really just ignorant assumption.”

Everything in moderation, of course – too much isn’t good for you, experts say, just like drinking five gallons of water in a day isn’t good for you. Most dentists agree that if your teeth end up rotting out and you have to shell out thousands of dollars to them for operations and dental products, you most likely have poor dental hygiene habits in other areas. The “sweet spot” seems to be five to seven pounds of sugary candy a week.

Researchers across the country have taken an interest in this new return-to-candy movement as people seem to be visiting dentists more than ever. Many have mysteriously also retracted their statements, instead praising the ADA for its great research.

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police 'He Had A Bigger TV'

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire – 

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

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