Shocking Photos Surface Of Miley Cyrus With Her Clothes On

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

After a series of business-as-usual nude photo shoots for magazines such as Plastik, as well as extremely erotic costumes during her performances and tours, a slew of shocking photos have surfaced that are making Miley Cyrus fans take to social media in a vile and violent outrage.

“I cannot believe the photos that she gets away with sometimes, but this new set of pictures that is all over the web is disgusting, and it’s sickening,” said Marc Jacobs, 24. “I am a Miley Cyrus fan from way back, and I’ve stuck with her as a fan through a lot of scandals, but I just don’t think I can deal with these new pictures of her with her clothes on.”

According to her publicist, Marsha Williams, Cyrus’ new pictures were something that were never intended to see the light of day, but were leaked by a freelance photographer.

“Miley has a very unique and very specific kind of persona, and we have worked very hard to develop that,” said Williams. “These photos of her with her clothes on were never meant to be seen. They were taken in a weak moment, and Miley had ordered them destroyed. We are extremely upset that anyone has viewed these completely safe-for-work, totally boring photos. We are currently considering taking legal action against the photographer who leaked the photos.”

According to Williams, a new series of extremely graphic photos of Miley posing nude will more than likely hit the web soon in an effort to erase the “boring photos” from the minds of anyone who has seen them.

 

Tree That Resembles Nude Woman Will Reportedly Get You Pregnant If You Touch It

tree

BILLINGS, North Carolina – 

A tree that has stood in the Westfield Park in Billings, North Carolina for over 80 years is reportedly one of the most incredible trees in the world. While most trees just give life through oxygen, this specific tree can apparently give a completely different kind of life, as women who have visited and touched the tree have reported immediate instance of pregnancy.

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“It was the strangest thing, honestly,” said Marsha Smith, 22. “My boyfriend and I visited the tree, and we were sitting underneath. He commented how crazy it was that it looked like a nude woman, and that he was strangely turned on by it. One thing lead to another, and we went at it right there under the tree. Anyway, before we left, I walked over and put my hand on the tree, and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant!”

Other women have also reported that they too were impregnated by the tree, which locals have dubbed “The Tree of Life.”

“I went up to the Tree of Life, and I touched her and said a silent prayer that maybe I could get pregnant,” said Eileen Dover, 24. “My husband and I had been trying for over a year, and no go. I went home that day and felt a little ill, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. My husband and I hadn’t had sex in like a week, so I know it wasn’t him that got me pregnant. Sperm doesn’t last that long in your body, so it was truly a miracle!”

Researchers say that the tree itself is probably not magical in any way, and that women just need to better understand how babies are made.

 

Woman Who Was Born With Giant Legs For Body Becomes Nude Model

MENDOZA, Argentina – 

Misty Lendzo, 27, was born with a rare body disorder that left her with a normal-sized head and arms, but her body is entirely a set of legs with extraordinarily large feet.

“I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I thought my body was so ugly,” said Lendzo. “As I got older, though, I embraced my body, and I started to show it off more and more, and I became more confidant.”

In a chance encounter with world famous photographer Carl Xavier, Lendzo was asked to pose for a series of nude photos.

“I’d never done anything like that before, but Carl said I was gorgeous, and he wanted to photograph me and show the world that beauty can mean anything,” said Lendzo. “It took me awhile to decide, but I’m so glad that I did it. My pictures are everywhere now, and I think people find it inspiring. That makes me happy.”

“She is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and she’s simply enchanting,” said Xavier, 60. “I’ve photographed thousands of girls in my career, and Misty is by-far the most amazing. She’s also the first one I haven’t been able to have sex with, because she has no vagina, but that’s okay. She still has a hell of a mouth.”

Playboy Magazine Announces Caitlyn Jenner As November Centerfold

SACRAMENTO, California – 

It already seemed like a major joke when, last week, Playboy magazine announced that it would no longer feature nude women, and instead would focus on the articles and interviews. The company, who removed nudity from their website in 2013, did say that they would keep the one piece of nudity that everyone loved: the centerfold.

Continuing with the idea of making their subscription numbers as low as possible, Playboy announced that November’s issue would feature Caitlyn Jenner, fully nude, as the centerfold.

“We are very excited to have Caitlyn join our long line of prestigious centerfolds,” said Playboy owner Hugh Hefner, 104. “And what a glorious time to have a she-man in the magazine. In 2015, we can have a black man as president, and we can have a chick with a dick in the Playboy centerfold. Readers-shmeaders. Everyone will want to buy this issue.”

Jenner could not be reached for comment, but her reps said that she is “extremely excited” to show the world her new, woman-ish body that still has a penis.

 

Indiana High School Allows Students To Go Fully Nude In Class

naked school

SHAPRIO, Indiana – 

A high school in Indiana is making waves this morning, after announcing that they would no longer be requiring students to wear clothes to school. The decision comes after a month-long protest from students over a new dress code that would require uniforms.

“The students staged a sit-in over the protest of a uniform policy, and the entire student body came to class nude,” said high school principal Mike Rubio. “That day, we had no absences, and higher testing scores than ever before. We thought it might be a fluke, but all that week, every single student came to school, and they were all eager to learn. They were all also very naked, but they were engaged. It was amazing.”

The school board decided to suspend the dress code change in favor of allowing students to wear whatever they wanted. Almost all the students continued to show up to school nude.

“I love being naked,” said sophomore Lindsay Burns. “I’m usually naked at home, and this is a lot more comfortable. I’m also a lot more popular now, which is awesome. My datebook is filled until January.”

Most of the parents in the school district say they are proud that their children can look past one another’s body issues and just be in school, learning, and that nudity shouldn’t be something that is so sexualized.

“Nudity is not inherently dirty,” said Michael Jones, whose son, Phil, is a senior at the school. “Phil is fine with being naked, and he’s definitely not got an issue with the girls being naked, either, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Seriously though, these kids stood up for something, and now they get to strip down for something. It’s a win for them all, and I’m super proud to be a parent here.”

 

Azealia Banks Playboy Spread Proves No One Actually Reads Articles

Azealia Banks Playboy Spread Proves No One Actually Reads Articles

LOS ANGELES, California – 

With the recent appearance of Azealia Banks posing nude in an edition of Playboy, the magazine’s editors still seem to be unaware that no one actually reads the magazine.

When asked about Banks and her insightful comments in the issue of Playboy, straight men and lesbians everywhere divided into two camps: those who didn’t even realize there was text alongside each picture, and those who know what Google Image Search is.

From the first camp, Sarah, 26, explained her surprise.

“Wow, it’s like an optical illusion! First all I saw was boobs, but after you pointed it out the words just magically appeared!”

She later commented that she still wasn’t going to read it, since she didn’t really care what Banks had to say and was more concerned about how much wasted space the text takes up when it could be filled by pictures.

On the other side, 20 year-old college student Zach mentioned that he didn’t understand why or how Playboy still published a magazine:

“People seriously still pay for that? I can find an endless stream of dirty pictures – including all of the ones in this magazine – on Google in a matter of seconds.”

Banks herself took to social media to explain that she really wanted her fans to read her comments, and that she didn’t just do it for money or attention. She cited it as a move toward equality, or something, and then posted more scantily-clad photos of herself. Despite her request, even loyal fans find themselves in either Zach or Sarah’s situation.

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Michelle Obama has made a name for herself as a particularly active and community-oriented first lady. Now the mastermind between the Healthy Eating Act is taking her public relations a step further. She has announced that she will be posing fully nude in an upcoming Playboy centerfold.

“Women’s issues are always at the top of my agenda,” she stated in an open letter to the public. “Something that has plagued modern day females is expectations of modesty and shame about how they look. While women such as Lena Dunham have done their bit to change the norms of girls being ashamed to show their ‘societally imperfect’ bodies, the First Lady appearing naked will make body pride all the more normal.”

President Obama has expressed his support and delight at his wife’s announcement.

“Michelle is a very sexy lady. She should have the privilege that any other woman has, to show the sides of herself that she chooses,” he told the press. “The First Lady has the right to bare arms. And legs. And thighs, and breasts.”

Conservative radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has used his platform to bemoan what he calls “proof that liberals are bringing on the Apocalypse.”

“First, they took over Hollywood and practically turned acting into nothing more than pornography,” he raged. “Now they are going way too far. The First Lady should be a role model, not a Playboy model. What about the children? Has she forgotten about the children?”

But not all conservatives feel the same way. Republican senator Mitch Mcconnell has voiced his approval at the groundbreaking news.

“I think it’s sweet,” he wrote on his blog, ‘Republican Matters’. “Michelle is a close friend of mine, and I’ve always thought she’d look good in the buff. If anything, it’s a travesty she’s kept her body from us this long. The First Lady belongs to the people, and the people have spoken. It is time to see Michelle Obama’s lady bits.”

D’Angelo Fans Upset Performer is Not Shirtless During Live Shows, Threaten Lawsuit

D'Angelo Fans Upset Performer is Not Shirtless During Live Shows, Threaten Lawsuit

CINCINNATI, Ohio – 

In the midst of his world tour to promote his newest album, Black Messiah, performer D’Angelo has faced a surprising backlash from some fans. During his tour, the singer/songwriter has worn mesh tops, social-political messages scrawled across t-shirts, and ruffled tops. But the on thing he has not done is gone shirtless, and this has seemed to upset some of his most loyal fans.

“I didn’t come to a show for music alone,” Says Raykeesha Johnson of Cincinnati, Ohio. “I’ve been waiting a long time for D’Angelo to come back around. I was fixen to throw my unmentionables the moment he took his shirt off. But he went the whole show with a top on!”

D’Angelo made waves with his music video “Untitled (How Does it Feel)” off his album Voodoo in 2000. The video had D’Angelo standing naked with an all-black background, singing his song. The video was an unbridled success, but came with a price. From that point on, D’Angelo felt he was an object of desire, and his music came second.

“My songs started being drown out by women screaming for me to take my clothes off. After a while I started to just stand on stage with no shirt just to get it out of the way. That didn’t help either. They always wanted more.”

The artist then went into hiding for over a decade after Voodoo, working on producing music for others rather than make his own. In late 2014, D’Angelo reemerged and released Black Messiah. The album has been a successful return to form for the artist, but the struggles on stage have returned just as quickly.

“I just want some of that gorgeous man,” said enthused fan, Regina Hamilton. “I became a woman to Voodoo. And now I’m ready to get my groove back with Black Messiah, child. I can’t have him wearing no shirts on stage. I paid good money to see that man’s body. If I don’t get it, I’m going to sue the hell out of his entertainment company, producer, booker – anyone I can until I see that him without his clothes.”

“I was hoping a little weight gain and time would have removed their interest,” said D’Angelo. Who has already had to stop three shows short due to fan interruptions. One show included a shower of boos and jeers until he took his shirt and scarf. “But ticket sales are down because fans are warning I’m not performing shirtless. I guess there’s just no running from it. We’re looking to change some of the dynamics of the show to fit fans’ needs.”

The dynamics D’Angelo mentioned include a two-story picture of him standing naked, as well as a hologram that will strip on stage during his shows. There is also an industrial size vacuum being used to collect undergarments thrown on stage by fans.

Susan Boyle To Appear Nude In Playboy Magazine

Susan Boyle To Appear Nude In Playboy Magazine

 

BEVERLY HILLS, California – 

March’s issue of Playboy will feature a celebrity like none before. Susan Boyle, the former Britain’s Got Talent megastar, will appear au natural as Playboy’s monthly centerfold. At 54, Boyle will be the second oldest woman to bare all for a Playboy pictorial. Boyle’s publicist, Jacque McMaster, has confirmed the news.

“Susan is a very determined woman,” stated McMaster. “She’s extremely proud of her body. She’s been known to flaunt it at the beach too. She’s not afraid to go topless either. To be honest she’s kind of pissed off she wasn’t asked to pose for the magazine earlier. Not many people know this, but she took photos when she was in college.”

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner pushed for Boyle to appear, as he believes the ‘curiosity factor’ alone will boost sales of the magazine.

“Susan represents the ‘every woman.’ I love her story of perseverance. I’m proud she said yes,” said Hefner. “Crystal [Harris] is always listening to ‘I Dreamed A Dream.’ I get teary just listening to that record.”

Boyle is expected to have a concert at the Playboy mansion celebrating the release of her issue, and a new album as well. Reportedly, Boyle will be doing the second half of her set naked.

“Everyone will get to see Susan as beautiful externally as she is internally. She’s excited, but she’s not going crazy with crash diets or exercise,” elaborated McMaster. “Susan wants to be accepted for who she is now and she’s excited to prove people wrong about her physique, just like her voice. Get ready for the most downloaded woman in the history of the Internet. You watch. She’s going prove the haters wrong.”

FAA Creates Crazy New Rule For Passengers Boarding All U.S. Flights – You Won’t Believe What They’re Putting You Through Now!

LOS ANGELES, California – FAA Creates Crazy New Rule For Passengers Boarding All U.S. Flights - You Won't Believe What They're Putting You Through Now!

It appears the process of getting on a plane will become even more frustrating, as the FAA have created new rules that must be followed before boarding a plane.

As of January 1st, all passengers will be required to remove their pants and be physically searched before boarding any flight in the United States. The ruling was passed after several people were still able to board planes with items that FAA lists as ‘illegal.’ It is also being noted that this is a more ‘respectable’ way of searching people without them feeling violated.

“Our security agents at airports across the country have filed numerous complaints of having to put their hands on passengers. Many passengers are tired, cranky, and some have come in from other flights and are smelly and nasty,” said FAA president Joe Goldsmith. “If removing your pants before getting on the flight eliminates the chance of our employees needing to touch you and give you a pat-down, then that’s fine by me. It’s all about the rights of the airline staff.”

“As a man who never really wears underwear, I find this so degrading to our human rights,” said a passenger at LAX who wished to remain anonymous. “That said, it will be very exciting to know I get to take my pants off, and everyone will be able to see me naked. It’s arousing me just imagining it!”

As for now, the rule will only affect adults ages 18 and over, but fears that children may become mules to illegal trafficking or acts of terrorism has already been discussed, and the FAA is working out separate rules for children.

Most of the people who were interviewed at LAX international airport seemed outraged by the FAA’s lack of compassion and dignity of frequent fliers, but all said that they will still fly regardless of the no-pants rule.

“I need to fly constantly to make a living, and while I’d prefer to be as comfortable as possible during my times boarding and flying on a plane, I have to admit, if I had to strip naked and crawl to my plane to get on it, I would,” said Delta passenger Richard Cummings. “Whatever I have to do to make it to the next city, I’ll deal with. It’s the difference between eating my next meal in a restaurant, or out of a garbage pail.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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