Zika Virus Reportedly Fake, Harmless; Frenzy Created By Obama Administration To Secure Funding

Posted on May 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The CDC, in conjunction with President Obama, have reportedly been caught in a scam, after admitting that humans are immune to the Zika Virus, which is carried by mosquitos. A whistleblowing aide from within the White House released documents proving that the CDC worked along with top White House staff to fool the public into thinking that Zika was dangerous and deadly.

“As it turns out, the virus is completely harmless to humans, and this was a tactic used to solicit government funds from other areas, that could then be used for personal and political gains,” read the documents. “Although it is possible that Obama himself may not have known about the scam, it is highly unlikely, and even more likely that he himself concocted the scheme along with his personal friend, Gary Lewis, head of the CDC.”

So far, no one from the White House is commenting on the issue, but calls from the public have been flooding the CDC offices, demanding information. The CDC has not issued a statement.

Donald Trump Admits He Was Only Running For President To Get Hillary Elected

Posted on May 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C –

The rumors were true after all. Donald Trump has just admitted that he was a Hillary Clinton plant the whole time.

Many have suspected as much, and liberal trolls on the internet have been saying it for months, but now Donald Trump himself has admitted that he is running as a Republican to ensure Hillary Clinton will win in November. Trump revealed via Twitter that he made a deal with Hillary in 2014; this all unfolding mere days after Trump’s lock on securing the Republican nomination

After Donald Trump made this announcement, campaign manager Gerald Rogers released a press release documenting the entire charade.

“Electing Hillary Clinton, the most disliked Democrat politician in decades, would have been impossible unless she were running against a Republican that was even worse. Although, it couldn’t just be any Republican, it would have to be the absolute worst Republican in the country,” said Rogers. “It would have to be a Republican that was so bad even other Republicans would denounce them. It would have to be someone that would split the party and ensure Hillary could win the White House with only 40% of the vote.”

Trump has said now that he has gained the GOP nomination, though, he will continue to run, because “being president” is something that he says he can “really kick ass” at.

11-Year-Old Boy Accidentally Kills Mother With Mushrooms; Sentenced To Death Penalty

Posted on May 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEMONT, Nevada –

Jackson Russell says he was just trying to surprise his mother with breakfast in bed when he accidentally served her death cap mushrooms. This variety of mushrooms has a similar look to wild edible mushrooms, but as much as half a cap has enough poison to kill an adult.

“I was just making her a breakfast to make her happy. I did not try to poison her,” said Russell. “The mushrooms came from the outside, near the barn. I got ’em when I was getting eggs from the chickens.”

Four hours later, Russell’s mother, Katrina, was hospitalized after she experienced nausea, vomiting, cramps, and diarrhea, which normally pass after the irritant had been expelled. She thought she was feeling better and was discharged from the emergency room, but hours later she died.

Jackson Russell was taken into police custody, and was charged in the death of his mother. Normally an accidental death would not form a stern punishment in the case of a young child, but the harsh judge delivered a strict verdict, and sentence Russell to the death penalty.

“I am so sorry that I hurt mommy, but I didn’t mean it,” said Russell in the courtroom. “The judge says I was too bad, though, so I have to go live where Daddy used to live, and then they’re going to give me a shot in a few months. I’m sad about that, too. I hate shots.”

Simon Cowell Reveals He Has Lung Cancer; Plans To Bring Back ‘American Idol’

Posted on May 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Simon Cowell, the 56-year-old television mogul was recently diagnosed with stage one squamous cell carcinoma, a form of lung cancer that makes up a quarter of the cases.

Although Cowell is most recognized as a judge on American Idol and Britain’s Got Talent he is also a entrepreneur, philanthropist, film, record, and television producer. Due to the diagnosis it is expected he will fulfill his obligations but have to turn down new commitments.

Recently Cowell rejoined American Idol after a break. “As much as I like being on a music show, it does get a bit tedious when it’s just singer after singer after singer, but I will be continuing even through chemotherapy and radiation,” Cowell told New York Times in a recent interview. “I’m lucky they caught it at this stage. Perhaps I will be a little more blunt, if you can imagine it, but this will not affect my ability to judge the show.”

Often times lung cancers are not caught until it is too late, as tumors have ample opportunity to grow in the lungs before becoming apparent, and initial symptoms are usually minor and ignored or attributed to something else. Cowell says the return to the show may have saved his life. “I had a bit of a cough that wouldn’t go away. The crew insisted I get a full work up. That’s when they found the mass.”

Cowell’s girlfriend Lauren Silverman and son Eric are encouraging Cowell to quit smoking cigarettes, a challenge that is proving tough for Cowell.

“It’s well known I have a bit of a temper, but who wouldn’t dealing with the idiots I have to? Cigarettes are the only bloody thing that calms me down.” As a judge, Cowell often makes blunt and controversial comments, including insults and wisecracks about contestants and their abilities. Scorned past contestants are cheering for the cancerous growth, calling it karma.

Carrie Underwood Talks About Binge Eating Disorder

Posted on May 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

“I didn’t throw up or anything nasty like that. I’d just start eating and find myself half way through a pizza and I wouldn’t be able to stop,” said Carrie Underwood – one of the world’s biggest country and pop stars. “It started in college at Oklahoma’s Eastern State University. A place me and my friends went had 3 for $15 pizza. I couldn’t handle the urges.”

In addition to a traveling gym, Underwood says she has a traveling therapist that will talk her down when the urge to binge eat hits.

“For a while I stopped binging on my favorites like pizza and Chinese food. I’d drink bottle after bottle of ketchup and consume jars of dill pickles. I became vegan so I would only binge on ‘healthy things’. But my family is a bunch of meat eaters and I realized there would always be temptation around,” said Underwood. “Even though I hate the thought of cows being exploited, I am obsessed with rubbing butter all over body. That’s why I can’t have it in the house.”

Underwood’s full story will appear in next month’s Country Cowgirl Magazine.

Woman Kills Husband, Says ‘Crystal Skull’ Told Her To

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Georgia –

Deanna Reaves says she killed her husband for everyone’s benefit. The 47 year old woman claims to be in contact with a member of an ancient race who resides in a crystal skull she bought from a local shop.

The crystal skull allegedly told her to hill her husband because the illuminati deemed him a threat.

Reaves explains the killing saying, “We are not indigenous to this planet. An old native American legend describes the existence of thirteen ancient crystal skulls, the size of human skulls, with moveable jaws that were said to speak or sing. The legend tells that these crystal skulls contain important information about some of the great mysteries of life and the universe. They contain knowledge about the past history of our species on this planet, and information about mankind’s true purpose and future destiny.”

“The legend also says that one day, at a time of great need, all of these crystal skulls will be rediscovered and brought back together to reveal their information vital to the very survival of the human race. But the legend also warns that when that time arrives mankind must first be sufficiently developed, suitably evolved both morally and spiritually, so as not to abuse this great knowledge.”

A judge is determining Reaves’ mental state, and whether she is fit for trial. So far, he’s thinking “absolutely fucking not.”

Trump Criticizes Sanders For Making Donations To Charities

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has been mocking competitor Bernie Sanders in the media the last few days, claiming that Sanders is a “pussy” and a “wimp” for donating to charities and not bragging about it publicly.

“When I become president we will stop foreign aid. In fact the first thing I plan on stopping is government funded cell phones. Yes, the program may have been initiated to spy on citizens, but it is not worth the charity,” said Trump. “Sanders may want to give all this money to stupid places like the Salvation Army or the Veterans Fund, but I am trying to save money. And not just mine, either. Also the country’s money. The taxpayer money.”

Sanders, for his part, has not commented on Trump’s rants, although he did say that he is “happy” to share any information with anyone about his donations, he just doesn’t “feel the need to brag.”

‘Adult Baby’ Sexual Trend On The Rise Among Kinky Section Of Public

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLINT, Michigan –

Donald Grover has been pretending to be a baby for most of his adult life. His wife, Mary, feeds him, changes his XXL diapers, and even breast feeds him. The trend of being an “adult baby” has become more and more common in the last few years, at least when it comes to certain kinky groups that are making their way out of the underground.

“I love wearing my diaper. I love shitting myself, and I love when Mary has to change me. It’s a sexual thrill, yes, but it also brings me back to my younger and more vulnerable years, and it makes me feel so good,” said Grover, who used to be a lawyer before he started carrying a rattle. “Mary loves taking care of me, too. We never had a child of our own, so it works.”

Mary, for her part, does seem to be okay with the entire situation.

“It becomes really weird when I’m changing him and he pees on me or something. Or when he gets mad and throws his food across the room,” said Mary. “That’s not really a sexual turn-on for me, but I do the best I can with what I have. I’m no looker, you know.”

Many people say they are turned on by the idea of dressing as a baby and being pampered, although most do not do it on a regular basis.

Anti-Circumcision Activist Forcibly Circumcised

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A man who was in our nation’s capital protesting the circumcision of infants was reportedly attacked and forcibly circumcised himself, by an assailant that is being referred to as “very angry.”

“He came out of nowhere, out of the shadows, and he pulled me into an alley,” said the protestor, John Jacobs. “He whispered into my ear that ‘dicks should look good, asshole,’ and then he pulled my penis out and cut off the tip.”

Unfortunately for Jacobs, he was actually already circumcised, and the entire head of his penis was cut off.

“The guy was very angry that we were trying to make people stop cutting their babies, and I have no idea why,” said Jacobs. “I think that sometimes people are very passionate about things, and they don’t know how to handle it. Unfortunately, I may have lost my penis, but I feel no ill will. I just want this poor man found so he can get the help he needs.”

Hot Dogs Being Reevaluated by FDA As Possible Unsafe Food Item

Posted on May 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Multiple studies have determined that consumption of hot dogs can be a risk factor for childhood cancer, and now Dr. Roger Peters, head of food safety and science at UCLA is working with the FDA to determine whether or not hot dogs are safe for any consumption.

Peters studied the relationship between the intake of certain foods and the risk of leukemia in children from birth to age 10 in Los Angeles County between 1980 and 1987. The study found that children who ate more than twelve hot dogs per month had nine times the normal risk of developing childhood leukemia.

When he continued the study into adulthood, he found that nearly every single person that he tested had eaten a hot dog at least once in their life, and also had cancer.

“I believe that hot dogs are dangerous. They’re disgusting to taste, horrible to cook, and if you saw how they were made, you’d know never to eat them,” said Peters. “The fact that they cause cancer makes them even worse.”

Peters’ study will be published later this year in the Diary of Modern Medicine.