United States Plans To Enforce 1-Child Limit On Families

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C –

China announced this week that they were lifting their decades-old ban on children, which previously only allowed families to have one child. Although not lifted completely, the country did decide to allow people to now have 2 children per household. In the United States, though, the amount of children a person could have has never been regulated – until now.

“We are quickly become an overpopulated nation, much like China,” said President Obama. “People are using and abusing our systems, they are taking handouts and living off the government, all because they had too many children they could not afford. I am all for helping your neighbor, but sometimes, your neighbor must also help themselves.”

According to President Obama, the United States has needed population control for many years, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to pass measures through congress. Right before the 2015 holiday break, the measure was voted on and passed.

“Starting in April of 2016, we will be limiting the number of children a couple may have down to one,” said Obama. “Obviously, if you have more than that currently, that is fine, but you will be required to stop at one child once you have your first. Men will have vasectomies; women, their tubes tied. We cannot take any chances on overpopulating this country, or this world.”

Man Returning From Active Duty Gift Wraps Himself As X-Mas Surprise, Suffocates In Box

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TRENTON, New Jersey –

An Army officer returning from active duty in Pakistan who planned a wonderful surprise for his family on Christmas, having himself gift wrapped and shipped home by UPS, was found dead early Christmas morning after his family neglected to open the present right away.

“We didn’t know that he was in there, because we had no idea that he was coming home,” said Mary Charles, whose husband, Donald, was in the box. “Last we spoke, he wasn’t coming home for a couple weeks, and I was so busy getting the kids their presents, I didn’t even notice it sitting in the corner until later in the day, and by then, it was too late. Plus, there was no tag, so no one knew to even open it. Christmas is a super busy holiday, you know?”

Officer Donald Charles had served two tours of duty, and was slated to have been home for good.

“Normally we don’t ship people, but since it was Christmas, I made an exception,” said UPS store employee Mike Mills. “Mr. Charles came into the store and wanted us to gift wrap him and ship him to his home, which was only a few miles away. I wrapped him up myself, although I guess I forgot to put holes in. Whoops.”

According to police, no charges will be filed against Mills or UPS, although officers warn against shipping yourself, or any living creature, through the mail.

First Lady Michelle Obama Reveals Her Secret Black Metal Music Fetish

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

First lady Michelle Obama would be the last person you would think of when it comes to famous celebrities who listen to heavy metal or any sort of rock music, but as it turns out, the first lady is a huge fan of extremely vile, heavy, and extreme metal and grindcore bands.

“Oh my God, yes, I love it,” said Obama when she was questioned about a recent image of her showing off some of her CD collection. “I grew up on gospel songs and pop music, and when I marred Barack, he turned me on to some of the heavier stuff, and I was hooked. Then I started branching out on my own. I love this heavy stuff so much!”

According to Obama, she listens to death metal and grindcore while she works out.

“Nothing gets the blood pumping more than some Vulvectomy or some Anal Cunt,” said Obama, proudly displaying her Post Abortion Slut Fuck album. “When you want to relax, there are plenty of great bands. But when you want to really tear some shit up, there’s nothing quite like some heavy, dark, and pulsing metal.”

For Christmas, the first lady said she received new albums by Rotting Flesh Corpse, Dismembered Fetal Fucks, and Solid Core Enema.

“Barack knows me so well,” quipped The First Lady.

Woman Told By Husband To ‘Make Sandwiches’ Beats Him To Death With Loaf of Bread

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHINA, Maine –

A woman in the small town of China, Maine, was arrested on Christmas night after neighbors called 911 when they heard “blood-curdling screams” emanating from the house.

Megan Charles, 29, was taken into custody when police found her standing over her husband’s body. Joe Charles, 32, was dead on police arrival, beaten to death with a loaf of bread.

“To be honest, you wouldn’t think that someone could beat another person to death with a loaf of bread, but in this case, it’s completely true,” said China police chief Mario Jones. “I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my day, but nothing like this. We have taken Mrs. Charles into custody, and we have no further statements at this time.”

An anonymous source in the police office says that Megan Charles used a loaf of Heartland bread and bludgeoned her husband to death with it. According to Mrs. Charles, it was because her husband, Joe, would constantly berate her and force her to make sandwiches.

“Every day, every night, that’s all I’d get from him,” said Charles to a police investigator. “Go make me some sandwiches. Sandwiches this, sandwiches that. It was insane. I could have cooked him a 4 course meal, and he’d still just want a ham sandwich. Well fuck him, he can have his sandwiches in hell!”

Compulsively Checking Your Phone Can Lead To Brain Tumors, Study Finds

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.

“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”

Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.

“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”

Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Arrested On Fraud Charges

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly been arrested on charges of fraud after it was revealed that the presidential candidate was not actually black.

According to reports, Dr. Ben Carson was born white, and later changed his skin tone to get ahead in his primary field of surgical medicine.

“It’s very, very easy for a black man to get a job as a surgeon, or any doctor in any field, really,” said Dr. Miles Jones, head of medicine at Cambridge. “Affirmative Action basically makes it extremely easy for anyone who is black to get a job. Employers can’t risk not hiring someone who is African-American on the off-chance that they might get sued for racial discrimination.”

While Dr. Carson has not officially made a statement, a team of democratic naysayers have reportedly unearthed Ben Carson’s original birth certificate, which lists Carson as Caucasian. Dr. Carson’s legal team, as well as his campaign team, maintain that he is, and always has been, African-American.

Carson is being questioned by D.C. Police on charges of defrauding the public and gross misuse of campaign funds, after it was questioned whether or not a white man could actually receive money if the person donating thought it was going to a black man.

Customer Service Representative Memorizes Credit Card Numbers, Uses Them To Order Pizza

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A customer service representative for a telecommunications company has been arrested and charged with fraud after it was found that he was memorizing customer credit card numbers, and using the numbers to have food and other items delivered to his home.

Kevin Brenden, 29, has been taken into police custody and charged with fraud, felony burglary, and identity theft. According to police, Brenden – who worked in a call center for one of the nation’s largest cell phone companies – was able to memorize credit card numbers for use at a later date.

“I worked in a ‘paper free’ zone, which meant there was no way for me to write anything down,” said Brenden. “The company thought this would help to alleviate and chance of theft. Honestly, I only stole the numbers to prove that their system was stupid. Paper or not, people can get the card numbers. It’s just a matter of wanting to.”

Brenden says that he had been taking credit card numbers for almost 2 years before he was caught, when he made several major purchases for Christmas.

“I usually just bought a pizza or something, had it delivered. Small things,” said Brenden. “I was really short on cash for Christmas though, and I made the mistake of ordering some things from Amazon that were a little pricey. No one really noticed an extra 10 or 20 bucks on their card when I’m ordering food. They definitely notice an extra $200 when it’s for a new Apple TV.”

Police say that Brenden has been fully cooperating with their investigation. Per request from the company, they are not releasing the name of the organization that Brenden worked for.

Hottest Selling Toy This Year Wasn’t for Kids

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Christmas is big in Japan this year, but the hottest selling toy was not for kids. According to reports, Japan had record sales in the sex-toy industry in 2015.

Although many look at a sexed up Christmas as blasphemous, Japan’s spiritual community is made up of Shintos and Buddhists so naturally the holiday has nothing to do with Christ. It’s about being merry, and what brings more merriment than glow in the dark sex-toys? It’s also the season for executives to buy for their secretaries.

“We sold over 43 million dildos and other toys this year,” said RubbaDubba CEO Toyki Misaka. “They are very good to use for happiness.”

These black light reactive adult toys are perfect for the rave orgy scene in clubs of Tokyo, and Osaka. On the black market, ecstasy sales also spiked in 2015, although the leading black market commodity is still underage prostitutes.

‘World’s Ugliest Woman’ Married To Man Who Wore Mask ‘To Make Wife Feel Pretty’

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JASMINE, Florida –

The world’s ugliest woman, Joanne Jones, 32, was married last week to a man who obviously has no desire to be named publicly, but who spoke to Empire News about their lavish wedding.

“I married Joanne because although she may have the most hideous face in the world, she has a rockin’ body and she sucks like a champ,” said Jones’ new husband. “I wore a mask because I wanted her to feel pretty for just one day, at least. I mean frankly, it didn’t work. I still looked better in that mask that she did, but you know, she was happy. And because she was happy, I had one hell of a wedding night.”

“I was pretty sad when I was named Guinness’ ‘World’s Ugliest Person,’ but you know, it’s not that bad, really,” said Jones. “I do lots of speaking engagements. Public appearances. I make decent money doing that. And now I have true love. He definitely loves me, more than anyone ever has. He even wore that mask just to make me feel pretty. And that’s pretty awesome.”

“Make no mistake, I’m only with her because she’s a hell of a screw and makes good money and lives in a nice house,” said Joanne’s husband. “I went out with her on a bet, went to bed with her on a bet, shit I married her on a bet. The mask is, really, so no one knows who I am. I don’t want to be outed.”

“I love him so much,” said Joanne. “He’s the best.”

Baby Born With Face On Torso and No Head Might Be ‘Creepiest Ever,’ Says Doctor

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A baby born earlier this week has an extremely rare disease that has caused it to not have a head, but have its face on its torso, is being described by doctors as the ‘creepiest thing’ that they have ever seen.

“Holy shit, I’m not kidding when I said it’s disturbing,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who delivered the baby. “I almost vomited all over the place. Not from disgust, really, just from the shocking nature of it. It’s insane. I don’t even want to look at it.”

The child, whose mother has asked not to be named, is one of only 3 or 4 known cases of what doctors call Ichabod Crane Syndrome, named after the famous story of the Headless Horseman.

“It’s extremely rare, and thank God for that,” said Dr. Brown. “I can’t believe I delivered that baby. It’s a miracle, sure, and it’s definitely a child of God, they all are – but holy fuck you guys, did you see it?”

Mommy and baby, who has been named Brayden, are reportedly doing fine.