Miami Coast Guard Rescues Hundreds of Dolphins Stranded in the Ocean

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

In a day hailed as the “peak of marine heroism,” the Miami coast guard has rescued hundreds of dolphins from the Atlantic Ocean. The majestic creatures were reportedly stranded there for an undetermined amount of time before their plight was spotted by an observant tourist on Sunday morning.

“These poor animals have been stuck in the sea longer than anyone we’ve rescued in the past,” said head of operations, Warren Bailey. “We attribute their survival to their well known ability to adapt to harsh conditions. They are the second smartest mammals on earth, after all.”

Trent Richman, the man who initially called attention to the dolphins’ plight, has been hailed as an “all-American hero.”

“Trent epitomizes our great nation’s values,” said Miami mayor, Tomas Pedro Regalado. “We’re hospitable to anyone in their time or need, American or foreign, human or animal.”

Richman himself played down his role in the rescue.

“Anyone else would have done the same,” he humbly told reporters. “Who could leave innocent beings to drown in this huge ocean? I saw them desperately jumping into the air for what they must have believed were their last breaths. I called the coast guard and they’re the ones who should be applauded for their quick response.”

Mayor Regalado is apparently doing everything in his power to find housing for the dolphins until they recover from their ordeal, which may have lasted years.

“Our hotels are filled up right now – this is a favorite city for vacations all year long. Also, due to their corpulence, they can’t fit in most citizens’ houses, so we have quite a dilemma on our hands. For now, we’re working hard to build tent cities for them to stay in, but with the huge amount of refugees on our hands, some of them will inevitably sleeping under the stars for the next few nights.”

At press time, the survivors were resting from the drama on the beach, out of reach of the projected tides. When asked for comments, their lack of response was likely due to their need to sleep off the exhaustion. They are, however, expected to be up and running within the next few hours.

Tobacco Companies Begin Shamelessly Stealing Marketing Ideas From ‘Mad Men’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

RICHMOND, Virginia –

After John Oliver’s recent expose on Last Week Tonight portrayed tobacco companies as using evil tactics to promote smoking around the world, said companies are reportedly following up with campaigns shamelessly stolen from hit tv series Mad Men.

“Oliver himself gave us the idea,” said Philip Morris CEO Louis Camilleri. “He referred to a commercial of ours as over the top ‘even for Don Draper’.”

Don Draper is the main character in Mad Men, which follows the lives of morally corrupt, chain smoking, womanizing, misogynistic advertising execs in the early sixties. He is an expert at finding new ways to manipulate viewers into buying products, even when conventional wisdom or emerging health hazards are making them difficult to market.

“Mad Men portrays a very accurate picture of what we do,” said a source at advertising giants, Omnicom Group, on condition of anonymity. “There’s no honesty and integrity in this industry and that’s how we like it. It’s still an old boys club, because we’re the ones who have insight into people’s wants and desires. And we smoke because we know that the health claims are overblown. We couldn’t function any other way.”

Expected campaigns include one which portrays smoking as a manly activity that is done in spite of the danger, another that shows how women can impress their men by smoking with them, and a third which explains how the smell of a cigarrette can cover up the scent of adultery.

Major critics have blasted the “amoral behavior of this murderous industry” but admit, regardless, that they “wish [they] had those guys balls.” After having previewed examples of the upcoming campaigns, they realized that they could actually achieve that, by smoking an assortment of tobacco products.

Muslim Man Creating Long Lines At TSA Security Check Must be a Member of ISIS

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK, New York –

Reports emerging from one of the queues at JFK Airport suggest that the Muslim man responsible for the current delay must be a member of ISIS. Although no weapons, flags, or other indications of allegiance to a terror cell can be seen on him, he is being searched for the third time, with contents of his hand luggage being laid out on the desk after passing through the scanner with no clear problems.

“I’m almost certain I’ve seen his face before,” says Angela Mason, 45. “He must have been on the news or something. That big beard and turban do not cry innocence.”

Other commuters are less certain, but all acquiesce that he must prove his loyalty to America before he is allowed on their flight.

“I’m not saying he’s a terrorist or anything,” says businessman Wayne Parnell, 53. “But would you be comfortable sitting next to him on a plane? Nope, didn’t think so.”

Sources insist it’s only a matter of time before ISIS or another Islamic extremist group claims responsibility for the delay.

“Frankly, I’m surprised we haven’t heard anything from them as yet,” political analyst, Steven Rockstead. “Usually they’re quick to jump on the bandwagon, to increase their publicity and try to display their power. Here, however, no videos admitting guilt have been released online, which may just mean that this obvious terrorist must have something else lined up.”

As of press time, officials are allowing the ISIS member to board the plane, although without his shoes, turban, robe or underwear, where he may have been hiding some undetected weapon. His beard and hair have all been shaved off as well, in case he could be carrying a tiny knife in there.

8 Things You Already Know About Next Year’s Oscar Host

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California –

This year’s Oscars may have come and gone, but already the Academy is preparing for their next major showcase. And while you have heard trivia about 2015 host, Neil Patrick Harris, there are also things you may already know about next year’s host. Here are our top eight:

It won’t be Neil Patrick Harris. The Oscars have never had the same host two years in a row, so chances are slim that NPH will get a second go at presenting the show he so badly butchered.
It won’t be NPH’s husband, David Burtka. David Burtka is not famous enough to host the Oscars, and we can be pretty sure he won’t be in the limelight in February 2016.
S/he is not married to David Burtka. David Burtka’s husband is NPH, and NPH is not the 2016 Oscars host. The 2016 host is therefore not currently married to Burtka.
S/he did not play the iconic character of Barney Stinson in sitcom How I Met Your Mother. After finding out that Neil Patrick Harris played that character throughout all eight seasons, we now know that next year’s Oscars host did not.
S/he is not known for the catchphrase “Legen-wait-for-it-dary”. That was Barney Stinson’s catchphrase, and NPH played that role.
His/her first major role was not as child doctor Doogie Howser, M. D. That plaudit goes to NPH, and not next year’s Oscars host.
His/her parents are not Sheila and Ronald Gene Harris. Those are NPH’s parents, and he does not have famous siblings.
S/he will not be the worst presenter in the history of the Academy Awards. That title will likely belong to NPH for the foreseeable future.

These are the most significant attributes that you need to know about the host of next year’s Oscars. Are there any we left out? Leave your suggestions in the comments below.

Michael Keaton Only Now Realizing That ‘Birdman’ is Based on his Own Life

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Birdman star Michael Keaton is only now realizing that his character, for which he was nominated for an Oscar, was in part based on his own life. Keaton plays Riggan Thomson, an actor best-known for his once iconic role as the lead man in the Birdman franchise. Since then, however, Thomson’s career has faulted, and he is portrayed in the 2014 film as attempting to recapture his former fame by acting, directing, and producing a major theater production.

The acclaimed box-office hit loosely mirrors Keaton’s own career, having peaked in the 80’s and 90’s when he played the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman, in Batman and Batman Returns. His later roles were in films of various levels of success which never came close to reaching the stardom he gained from playing of the reclusive superhero.

“I realized that Birdman sounds sorta like Batman,” Keaton said. “But I didn’t put two and two together. I thought it was just a coincidence – that [director] Alejandro [González Iñárritu] had contacted me because he was a fan of my work and adaptability. I should have known, I guess, that roles in Cars and Robocop weren’t enough to bring my career back to the heights it once reached.”

Iñárritu, for his part, told reporters that he hadn’t considered the need to tell Keaton about the connection, and had assumed he had caught on when he agreed to take the meta acting part.

“Why else would I have called Michael Keaton?” he said, somewhat bemused. “It’s not like he’s been at the top of everyone’s minds for the past 20 odd years. When he expressed doubt over whether he could realistically play the role of a former iconic superhero, I assumed he was messing around. I said to him, ‘I see. This part doesn’t reflect your own life in any way at all.’ We laughed, but obviously he only pretended to get the joke.”

Keaton is reportedly preparing to go through the same existential crisis that character Riggan Thomson faces throughout the entire film.

‘50 Shades’ Actor Jamie Dornan Cast in Exciting New Film Role

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

Following the Box Office success of recent release, Fifty Shades of Grey, leading man Jamie Dornan has been cast in what he is calling an ‘exciting new role’. The Irish actor has gained prominence from his portrayal of Christian Grey, and he attributes the success for his casting in his next challenge, a film that has been tentatively titled Fifty Shades Freed.

“Personally, I’m really proud,” Dornan said in an interview with celebrity gossip magazine, Heat. “Getting to play Christian Grey was a dream come true, and it was exhilarating and sometimes frightening to have to widen my range of acting abilities. This new role should be even more thrilling.”

The character he will be playing is not yet finalized, but Dornan believes it to be that of a “domineering, sexually driven man. He is a wealthy entrepreneur, who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.”

These characteristics will bring out the best of Dornan’s skills.

“I think I can do it; I think I can be that man. Usually I’m quite reserved, and I have too much respect for women to try and dominate, but with a bit of effort I can put myself in his shoes. Fifty Shades of Grey was a challenge in a very different way, but it’s given me the belief and confidence to get out there and take chances with my parts, to audition for movies I never would have in the past.”

For this new role, however, Jamie says he did not have to audition.

“Sam [Taylor-Johnson, director of Fifty Shades of Grey] called me and simply told me to come in for rehearsals and have a look at the script. He didn’t ask or anything, just assumed that I was willing and capable to take on such a tough role. His confidence in me is really touching.”

Heat has since found out that Dornan’s costar in Fifty Shades of Grey, Dakota Johnson, will also be appearing in this exciting new project.

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Business magnate and celebrity, Donald Trump, is in the process of donating nearly all of his wealth to cancer research. The billionaire’s estate is known to be associated with many charity organizations, but Trump seems to have a personal sympathy for this cause.

“It’s long been his dream to find a cure for cancer,” said daughter Ivanka. “He cares so much for all those poor, hideous people going through the rigors of chemotherapy.”

Other, more cynical commentators have however shed doubt on the purity of his actions. One of the major critics is son, Donald Jr.

“Dad would never give his money away for no reason,” young Donald said. “He has some sort of smart business plan, that’s going to make me… I mean him… lots more money. He has to, doesn’t he?”

Much of the conservative community has agreed with Trump Jr. Their argument is that “Donald typifies the ideal capitalist. He ruthlessly makes as much money as possible, uses it philanthropically when it will serve to make him more money, and never gives anything away for free. He embodies the values on which America was founded. If you give people handouts, they’ll never learn to take care of themselves. Cancer patients are no exception. It’s because of all the charity they get from liberals that you never see the dying victims themselves sitting in labs researching. They’re so entitled already.”

Trump, however, is not budging on the insistence of his pure motives.

“This is charity, plain and simple,” he announced at the American Association for Cancer Research (AARC) annual fundraiser. “All I want is for our esteemed biologists and doctors to come up with a way to relieve the torments of cancer. Especially the hair loss factor, and the pasty white skin. If they can just find a way to cure those symptoms, a lot of people’s lives will be vastly improved. I know mine will.”

New Series of ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things’ to Portray Children Accusing Bill Cosby of Rape

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

CBS has announced that it is bringing back the popular 90s series, Kids Say the Darndest Things, which will portray children accusing host Bill Cosby of rape. The network explained that the charges of sexual assault which have brought Cosby back into the limelight, have increased demand of a return to the nostalgic favorite.

“During the three seasons of Kids, we got to hear the craziest and cutest things being said,” CBS executive Kevin Heller stated at a press conference. “I still laugh at that iconic line, ‘Sometimes you just need to take a nap and get over it.’ And I think it will be rivalled by an eight year old girl who says in the new season, ‘You hurt me when you did that thing to my privates.’”

Not everyone has received the news positively. Critics from RogerEbert.com have called the development nothing more than a publicity stunt.

“Yes, we all want to see Kids Say the Darndest Things return to our screens,” one wrote. “But the circumstances under which it’s been developed. Bill has found fame again with those rape charges, and now he wants to advance it by bringing children into the picture too. It’s shameless, the way a former great is now desperate for ratings.”

The director for the new season, Steven Howard, dismissed those claims, saying that the show will “speak for itself”.

“It’s set to be the series of the year. There are just such great conversations that have been recorded so far. Here’s a sneak preview, quoted verbatim from the first episode.”

Cosby: Hi Greta. How old are you?

Greta: I was five when you stole my virginity.

Cosby: Hehehe, that’s so darn cute. And what is your favorite thing in the world?

Greta: There is no joy in my life any more.

Cosby: And why would you say that, young girl?

Greta: It’s because you raped me, tainting my childhood and ruining my future sex life.

Cosby: Hehehe, this five year old girl says the darndest things!

Portia Rossi Admits She is “Probably Too Hot” for Ellen

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Confirming what many have long suspected, Portia de Rossi has confessed that she is “probably too hot” for wife Ellen DeGeneres. The couple have been together for over ten years, but the former Ally McBeal star says that throughout most of the time, she has been way out of Ellen’s league.

“Ellen has a great personality and she’s constantly making me laugh,” de Rossi, who was once named in People Magazine’s ‘100 most beautiful’ list. “I love her to death, and without her support I’d probably be dead. But let’s be honest, I’m a 10 and she’s at best a 7.”

Ellen, far from being upset by the admission, agreed completely with her wife’s sentiments.

“When we first started dating I’d constantly think, ‘how the hell did I land that?’ For at least the first three years, I thought it certainly wouldn’t last – people as beautiful as Portia generally end up with someone in their league. Ten years later and it’s refreshing to know that her loyalty has nothing to do with some sort of non-recognition of the disparity.”

Public opinion has been hugely positive towards the announcement, with many saying that the actor’s candidness has given a huge boost to the less attractive portion of the population, proving that similar hotness levels are unnecessary for love to succeed.

“It’s a triumph of true love,” said sentimentalist Jenna McCarthy. “Those two, who no one in their right mind would have paired, have made it against the odds. They’ve been together for longer than most mutually attractive celebrities are, and they’re still going strong to this day.”

Rumors are emerging of other celebrities who are probably too hot for their partners. Top of that list are Beyonce (partner: Jay-Z), Sofia Vergara (Joe Manganiello), and Jennifer Lawrence (Chris Martin).

Madonna Exposes Deviant Sex Acts No One Wants to Know Any More

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Madonna has once again exposed details of her deviant sexual acts, this time with no prompting or interest from the general public. The powerful superstar has released lude details of her private life over the course of her incredibly long career, usually to great excitement from Christian men in particular. This time, critics are saying she’s too old to be anything but repulsive to most sexually active persons.

“Madonna still retains her high level of significance,” said Bishop John Kemp. “But these sex books and tapes and interviews she keeps doing – well, they’re getting a bit much. The first time she did it was exciting. The first ever woman to be impregnated by God. Now it’s gotten old, along with her wrinkled skin and decomposing nose.”

The latest revelations were released in a detailed interview with Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Watchtower publication. They described her and God doing it in a number of never before seen ways – positions and actions that are impossible for most mortal beings.

“Her loyalty to the deity is remarkable,” said theologian Mark Walters. “Over the past two millennia, she’s remained the Virgin Mary, keeping all her sexual activity on a higher plane. It’s an inspiration to us all in this time of free love and rampant divorce. However, in my experience Christian leaders do not take well to hearing about the sexual deviance of their God.”

And the response from priests and ministers around the world has proved his sentiments to not be unfounded.

“I’m quickly losing respect for Mother Mary,” said one cardinal of the Catholic Church. “She’s our martyr and, although her initial encounters with the Lord Above gave us inspiration and hope, now she’s just undermining his name. I don’t want to know that he likes to create a vagina for himself out of nothing and let her stick her hand inside. No one needs to know that information.”

The deity however stood up for his long term lover, stating that His virility should be something that mortals can aspire to, and that the Virgin Mary should be acknowledged for her sexual prowess.