‘Mad Men’ Star Alison Brie Gains 80 Pounds For Upcoming Movie Role

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Petite actress, Alison Brie, known for her roles in Mad Men and Community, has shocked Instagram followers by revealing her current figure – eighty pounds heavier than the last time she was seen. The photo was captioned, “Work I’ve gone to in prepping for new movie has payed [sic] off. Bigger is not always better!”

Brie will play an overweight former model in Get Hard an upcoming comedy about a businessman (played by Will Ferrell) who enlists a never-before jailed black man (Kevin Hart) to prepare him for life behind bars. Brie will only make a brief cameo appearance, in a flashback in which Ferrell’s character reminisces about the time he fucked a hideous fatso just to prove a point to his mother.

“Alison is very much a method actor and really committed to her work,” said former Mad Men co-star Elisabeth Moss, who herself gained sixty pounds for a plot point in season one of the hit series. “She usually plays annoying characters, and for years she’s been annoying the shit out of people in real life, so that when she’s on screen she can pull off the necessary squeals and anal retentiveness which have characterised her roles.”

Friends and family of Alison, however, indicated that her growth may not be as innocent as the little lady seems. Their gut feeling was that “she’s been comfort eating, ever since losing the fight against anorexia. It’s hard to watch, and especially hard to swallow – not that she has any problem with that.”

Joel Mchale, former Community co-star and acerbic host of E! Entertainment gossip show The Soup, used the platform to make fun of the usually tiny and delicate actress.

“Alison Brie seems to think she’s Jared Leto,” he drawled in his unsympathetic monotone. “Putting disproportionate effort into little (or in this case, not so little) roles in mediocre movies. Talking about disproportionate, have you seen the way the fat squeezes into that miniscule frame? Seriously, the Michelin Man should be worried about his job security.”

Doctors To Classify ‘Binge-Watching’ As Severe Mental Disorder

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Eager to re-watch the first four seasons of Game of Thrones in anticipation of the April release of the next chapter? Well, your urges may be cause for concern. Binge watching has in the past year been clinically verified as an addiction, and now doctors are saying it might be in line for classification as a ‘severe mental disorder’.

“We all know that television gives us an escape from the harsh realities of life. It also allows us to dissociate from our bodies into a state of mental inaptitude,” Dr John Wallans, editor of psychiatric diagnostic handbook, DSM-V, explained on his YouTube channel. “What it can do is turn our brains off and make us sink into depression and apathy. Some people do not recover as quickly after watching one episode, and they are drawn into watching two or three at a time. The habit slowly develops into a disorder, in which they are never free from the psychological disintegration, and use excessive television marathons as a distorted coping mechanism.”

The public at large remains unimpressed.

“I coulda toldja that,” said chronic watcher Jim Bellic. “I know what’s wrong with my head, and I know why I binge watch. Doctors just wanna make everything into an illness ya know. It’s so they can make money on drugs. They’re in it with the pharmaceutical companies. I think it’s called pharming.”

Television personality Dr Oz has jumped onto the mental illness bandwagon, using the latest episode of his show to spread terror of this “terrible malady” and promote BingeKiller, a so-called “wonder-drug which cures tv induced depression in mere seconds.”

For more information about the symptoms of the disorder and how to treat it, stories of diagnosis and cure, and fear-mongering by irate Googlers, WebMD has added binge-watching to its catalogue, and has already built up over ten million comments sharing non-expert advice.

Texas Man Sentenced To Death For Cooking Girlfriends Dog, Serving It To Family For Dinner

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Anthony Rojas, 29, of Dallas, Texas has been sentenced to death by the state of Texas for cooking his live-in girlfriends dog, a three-year old Pomeranian named Bugsy, then serving it to the woman and her parents for dinner.

Gloria Martinez, 33, called police on the evening of October 22, 2013 after discovering that Rojas had cooked her beloved dog for dinner. In the official police report, Martinez stated that Rojas had offered to make dinner for her and her parents and had finished their meals and began calling for Bugsy to feed him leftovers. Martinez said that after her parents complimented Rojas on the meal and had left for the evening, that he then told her that he had cooked and served Bugsy for dinner because they had no meat and no money to buy any.

In a lengthy trial, prosecutors persuaded the jury that Rojas had planned to kill the pet, and that the act was indeed, premeditated murder of a loved family member. He was found guilty of first degree murder by the 12 jurors. Sentencing was then handled by Judge Mary Joe Henderson, who just happens to be a dog-loving owner of two Pomeranians of her own. She chastised Rojas during the hearing before sentencing. “Mr. Rojas, you are a coward and a murderer of a beloved family member, I hereby sentence you to death,” the Judge announced. The verdict is the first of its kind in the United States.

Martinez, pleased with the sentence stated that she believes Rojas deserved the death sentence, “Bugsy was my true love and he knew it, he was jealous, so he cooked him and fed him to me without me knowing, and it is sickening” Martinez said. When asked what Bugsy tasted like, Martinez told a reporter from the Dallas Herald that he “tasted like chicken.”

Lawsuit Filed Against Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian By Small-Bottomed Women

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The nation’s small butts have finally gotten together to file a class-action suit against Nicki Minaj and Kim Kardashian, along with other big-bootied celebrities. The lawsuit has been a long time coming, with small butts having voiced numerous complaints about their treatment in recent media.

“What Minaj and Kardashian and their ilk have done to us is nothing short of defamation,” said leader of the Big Butt Coalition, Sonny Peru. “We used to be proud of our size, even when Sir Mix-A-Lot couldn’t lie to us about liking big butts. That was all in good fun. But Minaj’s assertion that her ‘anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun,’ maligns us, turning us into a laughing stock. We’re the butt of everyone’s jokes,” he added, and laughed awkwardly at his cheesy quip.

Other body part groups have hailed the action as a possible landmark move, stating that if the small butts win their suit, it will pave the way for their own future actions.

“We’ve been struggling under the pressure of our bigger counterparts for decades now, maybe centuries,” stated head of the Small Breasts League, Melissa Jacobson. “Big butts have got it together better than we do, and their action has been relatively swift. It will serve as an inspiration for the small boob community to pool our resources. We’re generally self-sufficient – we don’t need much support, you know – but if we work together we too can make our mark on society.”

Legal experts are divided on the predicted outcome of the lawsuit.

“I think they’ll win,” said our own correspondent, Nick Haymaker. “After all, there are still plenty of men and women out there who love the small booty.”

Donny Hubert of CNN, however, disagreed.

“Big butts are in, and that’s just the way it is. Nicki Minaj and the like are simply a sign of what the public wants. Anacondas need their homes, ya dig?”

Skinny People ‘Insulted’ by Kelly Clarkson’s Disregard of Celebrity Body Type Standards

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Society has revealed its collective disgust at the blatant disregard shown by Kelly Clarkson for its standards. This comes days after Clarkson reacted nonchalantly to Katy Hopkin’s description of her ‘baby fat’ as just ‘fat’ and accusation that Clarkson ate her backup singers.

“We’ve worked for millennia at creating a globalized world in which our standards are… standardized,” said Monica Peele, a fashion model and self-proclaimed ‘fatist.’ “Miss Clarkson is spitting in the face of our long history of shaming anyone who does not conform. As a celebrity, she is meant to model exactly what we want of her. We feel betrayed by her continuing insult.”

Friends of the singer came to her defense. They said that her decision not to worry about her weight had nothing to do with society’s expectations, and that they know she still has respect for the people who gave her her fame in the first place.

“Kelly is fat, there’s no denying it,” said one anonymous friend. “She has decided not to conform to body-image standards set by skinny bitches, because of her – well, because of her own reasons. It’s nothing personal towards society as a whole. Also, we think there may be some other issues we’re not quite aware of.”

People like Peele, who consider themselves authorities on ‘fatties in the media,’ however, have hit back, saying that’s “just not the point.”

“Whether or not it’s personal has never mattered to Society,” said Joe Howerbrick, Peele’s underwear model boyfriend whose six pack abs are featured on billboards across the country. “What’s important is that societal norms are acknowledged and upheld. It’s exactly Clarkson’s indifference that is so difficult to stomach. If others follow her lead, the entire Social Contract will be at risk. What’s next – women with small breasts proudly walking around topless?”

Feminist leaders have praised Clarkson for her “courage to stand in the face of what a misogynistic world expects of her. She’s fat and disgusting, and we support her in her decision to stay that way. We can’t wait until her obesity hits record heights, and she’s still in the public eye. It’ll literally crush these skinny douchebags, pardon the pun.”

Ferguson Police Chief Denies Charges Of Racism, Claims ‘White Criminals Don’t Exist’

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Ever since the police shooting of Michael Brown in 2014, Ferguson, Missouri has become the site of heightened racial tensions and brought issues of color and privilege back into the spotlight. But the mostly white police force responsible for the death of the 18-year-old deny that they are racists, or that they have even subtle biases or prejudices. Rather, their explanation for the disproportionate amount of African-Americans being routinely stopped and held under suspicion, is that white criminals simply don’t exist.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said police chief Thomas Jackson. “Of course the force is mostly white. Of course we stop and search only African-Americans. And when an unarmed teen is shot by one of our officers, there’s no chance he’s gonna be white. But that’s not based on prejudice. Why would we search white Americans when we know that they’re not responsible for any crimes?”

Reporters asked Jackson how he could be sure white people weren’t responsible for crimes if they were never investigated.

“Why would we investigate them? That’s exactly what I’m asking! Since we know they don’t do bad things, there’s no reason to do so. It would just inconvenience innocent upstanding citizens.”

Reporters brought high profile examples of white convicts, such as James Holmes, who infamously shot and killed 13 moviegoers in an Aurora, Colorado cinema.

“But of course!” Jackson responded. “Movies aren’t real obviously. They’re there to show us things that we’d never see in real life – that’s why we go watch them. A white shooter in a cinema? Those definitely abound, but only because it never happens in real America.”

At press time, journalists and activists had given up on the police chief, stating that it’s pointless talking racism with someone who believes everything he thinks is true.

New Research Shows Girls Better at School, Boys Better at Copying Girls’ Work

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNITED STATES –

Feminists will be pleased, but teachers unsurprised, by findings in a recent study which show that girls are simply “better at school” than boys. On the other side of the coin, boys are reportedly “better at copying girls’ work” than girls, somewhat evening out ultimate scores. The research was funded by the Education Matters foundation, in hopes that the age old debate could finally be settled and we can start worrying about real issues, such as bullying and falling standards.

“We always knew we were better than boys,” said girls, collectively. “Now that there’s empirical evidence, no one can knock us off our perch. Girls rule.”

Boys, however, had a different spin on the findings.

“This doesn’t show that girls are better than us,” said the entire boys population. “It just shows they’re bigger suckers. We know we can just copy, so why would we do the work? Letting them do it for us, and taking advantage of their insufferable conscientiousness, is by far the smarter thing to do.”

Hedley Turner, who headed up the massive study, says that the results may be more deceptive than they seem.

“What the data shows is simply that girls are better at school. This could be for a number of reasons. It could be because the teachers treat them better. It could be because their parents expect more of them. And it could be because they need to take something positive out of the malicious environment that is our school system.”

The data is reportedly set to be forgotten for the most part, but brought up in arguments between the sexes for decades to come.

Huffington Post Admits Headlines are ‘Sometimes Over-the-Top’

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Online news source, Huffington Post, has finally conceded that its headlines are sometimes a little “over-the-top.” The news aggregator, known for click-baiting, exaggerated links which often border on the absurd, have had some of the more sensationalized headlines on the web, including “Jennifer Lawrence Overdoses On The Bronzer,’ ‘Hillary Clinton Accused of Facelift,’ and ‘Crop Circles Created By Wallabies ‘Stoned’ On Opium’

“We sometimes overdo it,” said founder, Arianna Huffington. “It’s all for a good cause though. We want people to read the news. And if we simply wrote, ‘Poisoned Wallabies Leave Marks on Ground’, who on earth would read it? It doesn’t undermine the accuracy of our sources. No, it just makes the goings on in the world more relevant.”

The Huffington Post has come under fire in the past for their dramatized headlines by satirists such as John Oliver. Oliver ‘literally destroyed a pinata’ in 2014, in response to the Post’s constant assurance that he’d ‘destroyed’, ‘decimated’ or ‘hung from a lightbulb in the basement’ various politicians around the world.

“I have great respect for Miss Huffington and her service,” he told viewers. “But she sometimes makes me sound like a bulldozer, when in reality I’m a television personality. I don’t want any more people making that mistake.”

Others, such as comedian Eddie Murphy and writer Jane Austen, have simply stated that SEO-based news is literally destroying what we once called honest media.

“They’re tearing the world of journalism to pieces!” they lamented together. “Whatever shall we do?”

Sources at the Huffington Post, however, indicated that we should not look forward to a change in style. Apparently, “the click-baiting is working. Why would we stop? If anything, results demand more of the same. It’s a new era in journalism – one where satire is less exaggerated than real news.”

Empire News had no comment on their own headlines, except to say “Hey, but we’re not real news.”

’50 Shades Of Grey’ Clubs Become Popular Among Experimental Teens

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a trend sweeping America, teenagers are reportedly starting and joining ‘50 Shades of Grey’ clubs, en masse. The movement began in response to the box office success of the first movie of the franchise. However, it is being suggested that most of these youths have not read the books or seen the film.

“I haven’t seen the movie,” said Tuck Harrington, 16. “What I heard about it is pretty cool, and I want to do that with my friends. That’s why I started my high school’s ’50 Shades’ club. We all want a little teen bondage. It helps stop bullying.”

We asked Tuck to take us through some of the activities he and his group perform together.

“Well, we started off making friendship bracelets. That’s obviously the easiest way for teens to bondage. We’ve progressed to song nights every Friday, and group trips to mansions to see how successful men like Christian Grey have bondaged to their great advantage.”

Catching up with other clubs, we found them to be doing much of the same. Some of their favorite bondage activities included friendly races, short vacations to the coast, as well as study sessions before exams.

“This is a system which is doing wonders for our kids,” said Colorado teacher Peter Josselewsky. “They’re working together to create stronger bondage between teens who would usually be fighting – whether in the conventional sense, or with more recent cyber bullying. With these new clubs, we’ve seen a drastic decrease in hostility, and guys who’d usually be outsiders are now part of the in-crowd.”

Tuck Harrington agreed with his sentiments.

“It’s true. There are some kids who would’ve been called ‘nerds’ or ‘losers’ who are much loved by the group. They’ve found a way to form bondages with others, and that’s something I’ve never seen in all my years of high school.”

When asked what his favorite part of the 50 Shades club was, he told us, “Oh, well – on Sunday nights, we all get naked, and half of us tie the other half to chairs or beds, and then we fuck them hard, with all sorts of sex toys and moves we learned online. Then we switch, and let them do the same things to us. I particularly like having a big, rubber fist shoved up my ass while I’m gagged with a pair of panties or a tight gag. It’s definitely the best part of the ’50 Shades’ club.”

Woman Claims She’s Pregnant With Pope’s Baby After Visit To Vatican City

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

A trip to the Vatican generally means returning with heightened spiritual awareness, having had an awakening at one of the world centers of religion. One Californian woman got a little more than she bargained for. Christina Jean claims that, after a day trip to the holy city, she has returned pregnant with Pope Francis’ baby.

“The pope knocked me up,” the 32-year-old mother of five told Empire News. “Ol’ Francis is a charmer, and I won’t lie, I jumped at the opportunity to make sweet love to the head of the Catholic Church. Now I got Pope baby in my belly, and I can’t wait for my holy waters to burst.”

Vatican officials moved swiftly to deny Longman’s claims.

“This is a disgraceful attempt at defamation of Pope Francis,” said Vatican spokesman, Federico Lombardi. “The pope is celibate, as is well known, and although he is particularly charismatic, and he’d have a long line of ladies queuing up for the opportunity were he to break his vows, he is a truly upstanding leader, who would not lift a finger – or any limb – that compromised our holy institution.”

The pope himself went over and above his press office, organizing his own press conference to deal with the controversy.

“I know Christina well,” he told reporters. “She often comes to me with requests for blessings and prayers, and I have granted everything she has asked. A couple of months ago she asked for a blessing to become pregnant with a sixth child. I gave her the blessing – nothing more – which did indeed make her pregnant. That is where the misunderstanding came in. Chrissie Jean is not my lover. She’s just a girl who says that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.”

Jean, however, hit back at Pope Francis, saying that she felt “betrayed.”

“He said he’d look after me and our child, and now he denies everything. He said he’d leave his position for me. Francis dear, Why have you forsaken me?”