Minecraft World Record Holder Naively Thinks He’ll Have Kids to Brag To One Day

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

STUBENVILLE, Kentucky –

Minecraft world record holder Stanley Gordon naively believes he’ll have children one day to brag to about his conquest of the virtual universe. The 20-year-old, who says he spends his nights playing the popular game and his days sleeping and masturbating in his basement room, dreams of the family he’ll clearly never have.

“I’m gonna marry someone who loves the gaming world as much as I do,” he gloats, almost endearing in his belief that he’ll have a choice in any woman who hasn’t immediately rejected him. “We’re not gonna be a conventional family, where the parents are boring and always telling the kids what to do. Our parenting will be based on a shared love of fantasy and fun.”

In his deluded mind, Gordon has decided to have only two children because, “it gets lonely if there’s only one, and when there’s three one can get left out.” The wife and two children he’ll never have are going to live in the mansion he’ll design when his Minecraft blog eventually makes it big.

His best friend, known as fartdick69, encourages the Gordon’s sad belief that he’ll find love by suggesting that his own imaginary family will join him for barbecues, where all their mythological family members will enjoy Minecraft together. This, of course, once they live in the same city as each other and have met in person.

“Stan’s a good dude,” wrote fartdick69 from his own basement room. “I can’t wait to finally meet the man who conquered the Minecraft universe. He must be the coolest guy in the world. His future wife will be the luckiest girl around. And maybe she has a friend she’ll introduce me to.”

Mother Who ‘Prayed the Gay Away’ Severely Regrets the Loss of Her Son’s Fabulousness

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, New York –

Area mom Joanne Silverstam, who recently succeeded at ‘praying the gay away’ in her 16-year-old son, says her only regret is the loss of his absolute fabulousness. The Jewish parent believes wholeheartedly that the drastic measure was necessary for Johnny to fit in with the community, and not to bring shame on the family. However, he no longer has the gorgeous fashion sense and flamboyant personality which she acknowledges made him her favorite child.

“Johnny is a sweet boy, and will remain that way. But he’s lost that… pizazz, if you will, which made him special,” lamented the mother of five. “I love his siblings, but none of them could make me laugh with those outrageously bitchy remarks which used to come naturally to him. Now I have no one to tell me when I’m making a fashion faux-pas, or that I need a pedicure.”

Religious leader Rabbi Greenstein praised the mother’s determination, saying, “It’s hard for a parent to see such dramatic changes in her child. But when he grows up to be a good husband, a career-oriented man who supports his family with a respectable, menschedik job, she’ll realize it was all for the good, and forget about his former ostentatious self.”

The newly-heterosexual boy’s best friend, Molly Halpern, agreed with the mother’s sentiment.

“I don’t know what will happen to our friendship now. It was based on a shared love of eye-catching hair-dos, shamelessly gaudy outfits, and fabulous skin. The new Johnny – with that deteriorating complexion and those clunky formal shoes – is almost a stranger to me. Plus, I see the way he checks out my boobs now. It’s just weird.”

Johnny himself expressed no such regrets. “I’m on my way now to becoming an accountant, just like my family wanted,” he said, in a gruff monotone nothing like his previously lilting, sing-song voice. “I’ve given up the gratuitous activities I used to waste my time on, like dancing and theater. I need to focus on the straight-and-narrow lifestyle now, and forget about how drab these khaki pants are I just bought.

‘Game of Thrones’ Fans Find TV Series Spoilers in Local Bookstores

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

GLOBAL, Worldwide –

Fans of acclaimed HBO series Game Of Thrones have reportedly been finding books full of spoilers about the show placed secretly in bookstores around the world. The news has sent many impatient watchers rushing to purchase the volumes, while others have protested against the blatant disregard of the writers for the suspense for which the program is renowned.

“It’s insane,” said one fan delighted by the revelations. “The fifth season is only coming out in April, and already someone has leaked what’ll happen. I opened the one – it’s titled A Feast For Crows – and was shocked to find out that [spoilers removed]. I can’t wait to break it to my friends about [spoilers removed] dying. They’ll never believe it, nor will they believe that [spoilers removed] makes it all the way to [spoilers removed].”

“I don’t think it’s fair. I picked up A Dance With Dragons, innocently thinking it was fanfic about the Game of Thrones universe, and unwittingly found out that [spoilers removed],” said aggrieved fan, Stacey Jones. “I’m so scared that inconsiderate people will reveal to me what else is going to happen. Literally, I’m not looking at any blogs about the series unless they have disclaimers stating [spoilers removed].”

The source of the leak earlier today revealed his identity to be George R.R. Martin, one of the main story writers for the blockbuster series. He defended his actions by citing similar series and movies whose major plot were revealed by writers long before their release dates.

“Tolkien did the same thing,” said an unperturbed Martin. “He revealed that Frodo [spoilers removed] decades before the release date was due. Stephen King is another who consistently does this. It adds to the suspense – not only are you scared of what’ll happen to your favorite characters, you’re now terrified someone will tell you in advance.”

Critics have dismissed the news as unremarkable, stating that it’s characteristic of Martin, who has written such characters as [spoilers removed] out of the show to shock viewers, and never fails to disappoint in bringing fans’ anxiety to the verge of boiling point.

Obama Calls For ‘Prepping’ To Be Outlawed, Calls Preppers ‘Homegrown Terrorists’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama urged Congress today to pass laws limiting the amount of food and ammunition a citizen can have on stockpile at any given time. The President was quotes as saying that “These people preparing for a government collapse are the one’s most likely to cause it.”

“The government is here to supply your needs, so there’s no need to have a 3 year food supply hidden in your basement,” said President Obama. ”After binge-watching episodes Doomsday Preppers on the Netflix, I see how dangerous and un-American these people are. In a failing society we all have to work together, and if you’re hoarding food, there’s less for everyone else. No one should be hoarding ammunition, and I think anything more than 50 rounds should be criminal. I’m asking Congress to push through new laws, making it a crime to have more than a 30 day supply of food or more than 50 rounds of ammunition in your home. These preppers are more of a danger to America than ISIS, and they need to be stopped.”

“He’s right again, as always,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. “Preppers are dangerous and crazy people. If there’s a disaster, the government will help you and your family. Prepping is some kind of mental illness, and they shouldn’t even be able to have guns and weapons.”

Not everyone feels the way that President Obama and other democrats do, though. Many republican senators are quick to strike down the proposal, saying that prepping is something that should be the God-given right of every American citizen.

“Preppers are smart, they know history shows you can’t count on your government,” explained Senator Ted Cruz. “When I’m President, I’m going to encourage everyone to have at several years of canned food and bottled water on hand. Preparing to take care of your family is the American way, and the only way that will keep us strong in time of dire need. If Obama wants to talk prepping, he should prep his ass for some serious fight on this issue.”

NBC Confirms ‘Seinfeld’ Coming Back To Television, Entire Cast Signs 3 Year Deal

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Time to rejoice America, Seinfeld is officially coming back to TV in the fall of 2015. Negotiations have been going on behind closed doors for months, and NBC refused to greenlight the project until the entire cast signed on, with Jerry himself being the last holdout.

“I was under a lot of pressure from the guys to sign on,” said the show’s star, Jerry Seinfeld. ”I was pretty happy being semi-retired and stupidly wealthy, but Julia, Michael, and Jason, man, they really needed the money and wanted to be on top again. So I guess I’ll come back and star cashing those million-dollar-per-episode checks again. Larry David will produce us once more, and the show will still be about nothing, just nothing set years later. It’s going to be the same exact set, it’s going to be like we never left. The first episode will be about auto-correct and text messages, should be a lot of fun.”

“Kramer’s back baby!” said Michael Richards. ”Thank God Jerry agreed to do it. The best thing is all of us being back together again. We were all part of something special years ago and we never stopped being friends. I don’t care if no one watches, which clearly won’t even be possible, but as long as I get to work with my best friends and those sweet TV paychecks come in, I’ll be happy. Anything that keeps people from remembering that racist tirade I went on a few years back. Oh damn, I brought it up again, didn’t I? Er – Seinfeld! Yeah!”

“It’s sad that they have to keep rehashing these old shows,” said film and TV critic Carmine Classi. ”With all the crap on TV today though, I’m really looking forward to Seinfeld coming back this fall. Dreyfus, Richards, and Alexander all sucked on solo projects, but together they at least make a passible show. It may be about nothing, but plenty of people watched Jersey Shore, and that’s not exactly about anything, either. Personally, I think Jerry Seinfeld deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something for making this happen.”

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy ‘Racist, Old White Folks’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The February 22nd Academy Awards will have a new category this year, announced very late in the awards season. The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has given into pressure from Hollywood insider groups, and will be adding a ‘Best Black Actor’ awards.

“This years nominees for Best Black Actor are going to be Ice Cube for Ride Along, Tyler Perry for The Single Mom’s Club, Marlon Wayons for A Haunted House 2 and Jamie Foxx for Annie,” said Academy Chairman Adam Horowitz. ”None of these movies deserve any awards in the slightest, but the Academy does not want to be viewed as ‘racist’ by only nominating white movies and white actors. We’d rather give away an award to someone undeserving that risk riots and looting from any angry blacks watching.”

“I personally picked the nominees, those guys crack me up,” said Reverend Al Sharpton. “This year, they only had time to add in the one award last minute. The good news is, next year there will be 25 additional Black awards, bringing the ceremony to an approximate 6 hours. I feel it’s important to have separate categories, because if everyone was treated equally all the time, I wouldn’t have a job.”

“Aren’t we all just people, can’t we be judge equally?” asked film critic Carmine Classi. ”So there weren’t any great black actors or black movies this year – it happens. With this bullshit happening, I think it’s clear the only racism left in America is the racism Al Sharpton creates.”

“The Academy have always just been racist, old white folks,” said NAACP member Jeremiah Rogers. “Al Sharpton thinks that he’s adding something to the ceremony, but really, he’s segregating it. To be honest, most African-Americans want nothing to do with Al Friggin’ Sharpton. And we sure as hell want nothing to do with winning a ‘black award.'”

Paralympic Athlete Oscar Pistorius Loses Arm In Prison Attack

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PRETORIA CENTRAL, South Africa –

Lawyers for Olympic runner Oscar Pistorius, convicted of manslaughter in 2014, are furious after his right arm was reportedly cut off in a prison fight. The double leg amputee was sentenced to jail time having shot and killed his model girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, on Valentine’s Day in 2013.

Defense advocate Barry Roux vented his outrage at Judge Masipa’s “criminal incompetence.”

“We argued at sentencing that Oscar is not cut out – pardon the pun – for jail. Now it’s too late, and he’s lost a limb, a tragedy that he could never have prepared for.”

Prosecutor Gerrie Nel, however, argued that this is the sort of thing that happens in prison. “He killed an innocent woman, and he has to pay like everyone else. Just because he is missing both his legs, doesn’t mean he should get automatic immunity from brutal rape by his fellow convicts, or from violent knife fights. Our justice system is run on equal and fair treatment, regardless of individual differences.”

Reeva’s family were reportedly delighted at the news, saying that although he was let off easy by the judge, he has finally paid in a more permanent manner.

“The Steenkamp family expresses its joy at the news of Oscar Pistorius’s amputation,” said family spokesman Hendrik Dewalt. “They finally have some measure of closure, which was lacking from the verdict of manslaughter.”

The Pistorius family hit back, saying that they will go back to court to sue the Steenkamp family for the return of Oscar’s arm.

“It’s only their public campaign that got him into jail in the first place,” said the runner’s brother Carl. “They made the six shots he fired at Reeva seem like some sort of malicious act, biasing the judge, the media, and everyone else involved. We’ll fight tooth and nail on this one, and this time we won’t rest until our brother and son’s limb is back where it should be. Attached to his shoulder.”

Man Who Had Been Missing For 10 Years Found In Backyard Of Own Home

Posted on February 15, 2015 by katy_rev

SPRINGFIELD, Arizona –

Christopher Hollins, 29, who was missing for nearly 10 years, returned to his home in Springfield three days ago. The man was found naked in the backyard of his home. According to Hollins, he was being used as an object of medical experiments.

Hollins says that 10 years ago, while walking from his house to a shop, he was stopped by a mysterious person in a long coat. The person spoke with a mesmerizing voice, handed him a small pill, and persuaded to swallow it. Next thing Hollins remembers is waking up in an empty room with lots of lights.

“I spent ten years in this room, almost never getting out,” he says. “I was listening, though. Sometimes they thought I couldn’t hear them, but I did. They were designing robotic humans with artificial intelligence and they used me as a model. The whole of humankind is in danger!” Hollins thinks that he was kidnapped by a governmental organization, although he is not able to indicate the exact place where he was kept, but thinks it was for sure somewhere in Washington.

Hollins’ mother confessed her son used to be a great fan of science-fiction shows, especially Battlestar Galactica. He only watched one season of BSG and then disappeared, but doctors say it’s possible he got inspired by the series and believed people were really trying to create cylons – intelligent robots looking just like humans.

“It was a good show, yeah, and very convincing. For some time he thought I was a cylon,” said Mary Hollins, Christopher’s mother. “He definitely got really into it. I’m not going to lie – we looked for him went he went missing, but he was 19. Police didn’t care much about an ‘adult runaway.’ After a few weeks, we stopped looking. It was easier to pretend we had no son than it was to think we had a son who was a huge nerd.”

Doctors checked Hollins’s medical state, and concluded that he is generally fine, but believe that his entire story is completely fictional.

“From what we can tell, he was never out of the backyard at all, which is weird, because police would have normally checked there first,” said Dr. Honus Wagner. “At any rate, there is a small shed in the backyard of the Hollins’ home, and we think that Christopher probably just got himself locked in there, and survived by eating small rodents and neighborhood animals that wandered in. To be quite honest, it’s not as uncommon of a thing as you might think.”

“I’m just glad to be home,” said Christopher. “Is Battlestar Galactica still on?”

Girl Steals Ex-Boyfriend’s Sperm In Cheating Revenge Plot

Posted on February 15, 2015 by katy_rev

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A woman in Boston, Massachusetts says that she stole her boyfriend’s sperm after the couple had been having issues and she discovered he was cheating on her. She kept it, but not to get herself pregnant, as one might suspect.

Jessica Hedley and Colin Cross from Boston were a couple for three years. “I was so deeply in love all this time! But then I started noticing some things…Colin would come back home late, smelling of cheap perfumes,” said Hedley, 27. “Finally, I found a picture of some tramp showing off her cooter on his phone – some 18-year old bimbo wearing too much make up and not much else.”

The woman decided to take a revenge. She suspected Cross was actually not planning to get involved with the girl, but was just keeping what the internet refers to as a “side bitch.”

“I noticed he didn’t love her – I checked his phone when he wasn’t looking, I could see what he was saying. I even followed them out one time. She’s hot, but she was so terribly stupid. It was definitely all about sex,” said Hedley. “But this bitch seemed to have infatuated with my Colin. I followed her a few times, when she was by herself. I saw her shitty apartment in the ghetto. I figured she might be dreaming of a sudden change.”

Hedley says she first broke up with Colin, and then arranged a meeting with the other girl.

“She was surprised I wanted to meet. I told her Colin wanted to have a baby, but that I had fertility problems, and had just found out there was absolutely no chance of getting pregnant, and that he had dumped me because of it. Then I gave her some of his sperm that I’d been keeping on ice. I handed it to that skank, and told her to get it to the clinic and use it to get pregnant as soon as possible – because this is what Colin has been dreaming of for a long time. That dumb bitch believed every word, and went and turkey-basted herself into getting knocked up.”

Hedley says that she just wanted to make sure that Colin’s life was ruined forever.

“I thought of pretending to kill myself, and getting it blamed on him, like in Gone Girl,” said Hedley. “To be honest, no woman has that much time on her hands. Instead, I just got him strapped to some piece of ass he never even liked. Seems like a way more dirty thing to do, anyway.”

Dozens Of People Hospitalized With ‘Brain Worms’ After Eating Common Food Item

Posted on February 14, 2015 by katy_rev

MIAMI, Florida –

Three days ago the University of Miami Hospital received a patient with unusual symptoms. After conducting a series of medical examinations, doctors diagnosed the man with a unique form of ‘brain worms,’ similar in nature to that of a tapeworm that can be contracted from certain foods. Since that diagnosis, over one hundred more people have been hospitalized.

Peter Forney, a 44-year-old resident of Miami, began experiencing strong headaches last Wednesday. Both he and his family first suspected it was just a migraine, but within a few days, Peter’s behavior drastically changed.

“He started acting like an idiot. Peter is a clever man, but all his intelligence was gone. He was speaking with no sense, making bad jokes all the time. I thought he was taking drugs or something, but this constant headache was strange,” says Laura Forney, Peter’s wife. She called an ambulance after her husband peed on the carpet in their living room while laughing maniacally.

“A few hours after Mr Forney arrived to the hospital, we received many more patients with similar symptoms. All of them became more and more stupid as time went on, as if their brains were being eaten away,” said Dr. Robert Gacy of the Miami General Teaching Hospital. “After running a battery of tests we managed to make a diagnosis – the patients have live, tissue-eating worms inside of their brains. It seems the worms feed themselves with gray matter and damage the nervous system, causing violent outbursts, unstable behavior, and decreased intelligence.”

“The biggest problem right now is the risk of epidemic. More and more people are getting sick,” said CDC spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “We believe the worms are come from common food. Our patients live in different towns all around Florida. They didn’t dine in the same places, but clearly there is a link to their lifestyle. It has to be something popular and commonly available. We will find out. We can’t let our society get even dumber than it already is.”

Panic is spreading among residents of Florida and neighboring states, so much so that they are afraid to eat. Doctors say that they are able to remove and kill the worms if they are caught early on, but brain damage is not reversible. They warn people to not starve themselves totally, and that it would not be possible for the worms to come from things like candy or soda.

“If you’re going to eat, just eat a lot of unhealthy foods. These types of worms, they couldn’t come from jelly beans or Coca-Cola or potato chips or anything, so just enjoy those things until we find out what could be causing this,” said Goldsmith.