Senate Approves Prostitution Freedom Bill, President Obama Expected To Sign Off

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Senate passed a bill today to force approval of federally legalized prostitution in the United States, which President Obama is expected to pass in his second official clash with the new Republican-majority Congress.

Earlier this week, the Senate approved a bill in support of the Keystone XL oil pipeline. Now, with two bills heading towards the President’s desk, Republicans seem to be going after and testing President Obama after winning control of the Senate late last year. Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, who is the majority leader chose the ‘Prostitution Freedom’ bill as the bold companion to the Keystone Oil Pipeline bill, and says that Republicans now have the Presidents hands tied.

“The President would be ill advised to veto both bills,” McConnell said. “Obama would have to be stupid to shoot down both, so it seems that he is going to pass the prostitution bill and veto the Keystone pipeline bill, which he is seemingly more concerned with preventing. Democrats are more likely to warm up to the idea of legalized prostitution these days, and for good reason. It works for the state of Nevada, and it will work for the rest of the country. Sometimes, the typical American citizen needs to unwind after a tough week at work.”

The Senate voted 61-37 in favor of legalized prostitution, and nine democrats joined Republicans in passing the bill. Democratic senator George Charles of Colorado says that prostitution would help his state just as much, if not more, than the legalization of marijuana. “I mean heck, it is safer this way. Licensed prostitutes will be required to have monthly check-ups to ensure they have a clean product. Without legalized prostitution you have women, and men, walking the streets with God knows what disease while soliciting clients,” Charles said. “I know that when it’s time to go out and find a nice whore, I want to be ensured that she’s as clean as my Mama’s backside, if you know what I’m getting at.”

Priest Filmed Taking Part In Sexual Activities In Confession Booth Given Two Week Suspension

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ALBANY, New York –

A catholic priest, Father Paul Michael Harrison, has been suspended for two weeks after being filmed taking part in sexual activities in a confessional at the Holy Cathedral Heart of Mary Catholic Church in downtown Albany, New York.

The church released a statement and provided details of the “sinful and unethical” acts committed by Harrison to the public this afternoon. Sister Marilyn Abagail Swain, head nun at the church said that she was emailed video of Harrison and a female taking part in a ‘crude act’ inside the church’s confession booth, and that upon inspection of the booth, she found Harrison had cut a slot into the partition which separates the priest and the person confessing.

“Father Harrison has been suspended for two weeks by the church for having oral sex with a woman through what I’m told is called a glory hole. The woman, Melissa White, emailed several videos of herself and Father Harrison taking part in the acts on several occasions. We at Holy Cathedral of Mary wish to maintain the church’s integrity, while still offering the reverend unconditional forgiveness,” Sister Swain said in an email sent out to members of the church.

“I just thought that I should confess what happens in that confessional,” said White. “I didn’t think I could keep going in there, over and over, week after week, and sucking off a priest, without telling someone else. I thought if I went back on a different day, I could maybe get another priest, but I figured he might just talk me into giving him a beej, too. So, filming it and sending it to the church seemed like the better option.”

A friend of White’s, who wished to remain anoynmous, says that the White had started going to the church only recently, to confess about her addiction to frequently performing oral sex on strangers.

Eight-Year-Old Sentenced to Prison for Petty Theft

Posted on February 3, 2015 by thebluntman

SPRINGFIELD, Missouri –

How much is a Twix bar and a can of Dr. Pepper worth, exactly? Most rational-minded people would say maybe three bucks, but Judge Rudy Simms of the Springfield Juvenile Court values the items at a month in a state prison.

Young Marcus Hall, only eight-years-old, was caught by a convenience store owner trying to steal the aforementioned items, and was detained by the owner until authorities arrived. The boy’s mother, Kasey Buckner, was contacted and arrived shortly afterwards. She was highly enraged by her son’s treatment by the authorities and the store owner. “It’s just a damn candy bar, you idiots. He’s a kid, you should let him off easy,” Buckner said.

Buckner paid for her son’s stolen items, but was unsuccessful in pleasing the store owner, Fred Nadler. “If we let the boy off with a simple warning because his mother is screaming at us, he will grow older believing his mommy can get him out of anything. The fear of God and a fear of breaking the law needs to be instilled into this boy before it is simply too late.”

The boy’s trial was a fast one – only taking around 15 minutes. Hall testified to attempting to steal the items, although he claimed he was pressured by a friend to do so. When asked who the friend was, the boy said he didn’t want to share his friend’s identity. The jury decision took only a few minutes and came around with a guilty verdict. Judge Simms sentenced the boy to one month at the Springfield state prison.

This case has sparked controversy nationwide, with many parents feeling their children could suffer the same “unfair” judgment with such a harsh precedent set. Alicia West, a single mother of two from Colorado Springs, stated in a social media post, “Children should be loved, not punished, for committing crimes. Juvenile hall would have scarred this boy for life, but now actual, full-blown prison? He’s likely to be raped by some pedo in there, and with nobody to blame but the American court system.”

Nadler approved of the boy’s sentencing and said, “Even though the young man is serving his time for the crime committed, I will be cautious about ever letting him back into my store.”

Child Hospitalized for Malnutrition, Doctors Blame School Lunches

Posted on February 3, 2015 by thebluntman

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A young girl was hospitalized last week after complaints of feeling faint, followed by her passing out in her English class. The reason, according to doctors, was malnutrition brought on by the school’s shoddy lunch program.

According to the girl, whose family is keeping her name private, she was regularly buying school lunches. The sixth-grader at the Gonzo-Tulsa Elementary School, attested that her school lunches had basically been her only means of survival for several years, due to her parents’ expensive and destructive habits.

“Last year, the lunches were better. We had more to eat and it tasted better. Now everything looks like something from the dumpster behind the Sonic. The food doesn’t even taste like food anymore,” said the girl from her hospital bed. “I figured I would rather starve than eat some of the things they offered. Sometimes, even when I eat everything I get, I don’t feel like it’s good for me to be eating it. I wish mom and dad would get off drugs and stop hitting each other. Then maybe Mommy could make my lunch for me again.”

Why was the food so bad to cause this starving young girl to almost cease eating? The new health guidelines appointed by Michelle Obama that schools nationwide are supposed to bow down to.

Dr. Keith Ballard, Tulsa Public Schools Superintendent, gave his opinion. “In the wake of this young girl’s experience, I am going to personally look at the food that our schools are serving the children. If our schools are compromising food quality and endangering student lives simply to please the President’s wife, it may be time for our district to make a change.

Michelle Obama shared her thoughts about the incident. “While I am rather saddened by the incident with this young girl, I cannot change my health plans because of one isolated incident. What if all we gave our children is what they want to eat. All they ever want is junk food! That’s why every single child in this country, and only in this country, is morbidly obese. These guidelines are here to help, not hinder.”

According to school officials, the lunch that is served most days is steamed corn, boiled cabbage, yogurt, and milk. On rare occasions, a meat will be served. “That’s normally reserved for holidays, though. Like on the Friday before Easter, the kids get a steakum in place of the cabbage,” said lunch lady Anne Jones. “They all seem to enjoy meat.”

Facebook Plans to Impose Character Limit on Posts, Messages

Posted on February 3, 2015 by thebluntman

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg spoke Tuesday at a press conference about the future of his brainchild social networking giant. Zuckerberg’s ideas came as a great shock to the audience of reporters, who were expecting a minimal change like switching the dull and in-need-of-replacement color scheme. Instead, it was announced that as of August 1st, 2015, all new Facebook posts will be under a restrictive 175 character limit.

The current limit is a mere 63,206 characters per post, which allows for users to write anything from a brief status to an excessively long piece of dry literature. Facebook had received many complaints recently about unnecessarily long posts that slowed down the social networking experience and annoyed multiple users.

Another reason behind the upcoming change is Zuckerberg’s concern with the welfare of many of Facebook’s teen users.

“With the new character restriction in place, we hope to preserve young lives that shouldn’t be destroyed simply because Janie said something about Sallie’s ex,” Zuckerberg remarked. “A large percentage of dangerous and life-threatening teen drama gets started and is antagonized on Facebook. With the character restriction, hate posts and threat posts can be diminished in their size and severity. 175 characters is more than enough to get your point across, while still being better than Twitter’s 140. We always want to be better than Twitter.”

As for Messenger, Zuckerberg also has a plan. “Before 2016, I plan on imposing a similar or equal restriction for Messenger, as well as a screening of all messages sent through Messenger with hopes of preventing tragedies caused by teen drama.”

Zuckerberg plans to receive much harsh criticism around his restrictive decision, but sees that the change will be worthwhile without being much of a detriment to his finances. “I’m already the 11th richest bastard in America. Why would I even blink if I lost a billion dollars?”

Lisa Evans, a reporter at the press conference, gave her two cents about the issue in her own lengthy Facebook post. “All our freedoms are being taken away. Even Facebook is restricting our freedoms of speech and expression. Sure, it will save some lives and speed things up a bit, but Facebook’s members may not be willing to make this change,” Evans said.

New Study Shows White Bread Is Fantastic Weight-Loss Food

Posted on February 3, 2015 by katy_rev

SANTA FE, New Mexico –

It has been commonly repeated that white bread is unhealthy, non-nutritious and caloric, but according to a recent study performed by food scientists at the prestigious Merda Science Center in New Mexico, new, controversial discoveries have been made in regards to the nutritional value of white bread.

According to nutritionists and dietitians, white bread can actually make us thinner. “We noticed that bread contains some nutrients which, when eaten regularly, compound with digestive acids and speed up digestion,” says Dr. Clara Watson from the Science Center. “White bread can affect our bodies in extremely positive ways, but only if it’s eaten regularly. Scientists recommend eating it at least three times a day, every day, with no exceptions. The minimum daily dose is 600 grams. The bigger the amount, the greater the chance of weight loss.”

The Institute for Healthy Diet in Massachusetts also recently experimented with white bread and weight loss. Their study included 100 volunteers, very diverse, which included both males and females of different ages. The participants ate different amounts of white bread, every day, for three months. As a result, 90% of them lost weight. Those who ate more, lost more weight. Only volunteers who consumed less than 600 grams a day didn’t reduce weight. 80% of participants noticed their general physical condition got better, and 65% said they felt happier, lighter, and more emotionally stable than before.

“I will never eat whole grains again. White bread saved my life. I was overweight, my wife left me, and I used to spend all day watching TV. Then I joined the experiment and the Healthy Diet center, and within three months I became happy, fit, and healthy. I’m a different person now,” says Matthew Jones, one of participants. “The only real change is how often I use the bathroom. I used to be a once-a-day kind of man. Generally now, it’s 12 or 13 times a day. But, better to be shitting than feel like shit, am I right?”

Nutritionists have been trying to find the key to safe and easy weight loss for decades, and now believe that the answer was right in front of them in the form of Wonder Bread. “These findings are life-changing, and will be so for many people,” said Dr. Watson. “It’s truly a miracle of weight loss.”

NYC Residents Report Polar Bear Sightings Throughout City

Posted on February 2, 2015 by katy_rev

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Yesterday, inhabitants of New York reported seeing polar bears in different public places. Scientists are trying to understand how the animals got to the city.

“First I thought I got crazy, I mean, I saw a bear in the middle of the city! Then I asked my girlfriend if she saw it too. She did! Man, there was a real polar bear walking around NYC as if it was some kind of Antarctica!” says Matt Barrow, one of the witnesses.

Bears were seen in East Village, Astor Row, Bushwick and Greenpoint. Three times it was one single grown-up bear, and once a person reported seeing a whole family of bears. Only one bear was caught, and has been taken to the Bronx Zoo.

Today, scientists from Columbia University and New York University met to discuss the issue. “It’s a puzzle, but we have a few theories and we will find out if one of them is real,” says Dr Hannah Sparks.

Scientists think the event might be connected to the harsh winter New York City is now experiencing. Some of them believe black bears that live in the state of New York suddenly evolved into polar bears. This incredibly fast evolution is supposed to be caused by weather conditions.

“Perhaps bears adjust better than humans. People still cannot accept it’s snowing so much,” says Dr. Sparks. “We believe the bears left the woods and came to the city, because they got shocked with their own sudden transformation and started wandering around. Other scientists say the bears traveled to The Big Apple from Canada. Animals sensed the coldness of New York City, and realized it is now a great place to live. According to one theory, they traveled through the land, while the second claims they used ice floes and sailed the ocean.”

Authorities are urging people that if they see the polar bears on the streets of New York City to please call Wildlife Management or the local police. They warn residents that they should not touch the animals, as they aren’t just white, adorable balls of fur. The fluffiness is just a cover for strength and danger.

First Reported Death By Personal Drone As Woman Killed In Arizona

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Arizona woman Danielle Persephone has been pronounced dead after being struck by a personal drone, in the first incident of its kind. The drone had been procured to gratuitously film scenes of thirty-something year old mothers drinking tea and eating cocktail sandwiches at a birthday party for one of four year old children.

Paramedics arrived promptly, but were not able to resuscitate the mother of two, and pronounced her dead on the scene.

“We’ve been expecting something of it’s kind for years now,” said ambulance driver Ray Harrington. “Drones on private properties, controlled by inept dads trying to impress their jaded families, have always promised disaster. Remember that hilarious video of that groom being hit in the face at his wedding? That had me laughing for days.”

A close friend of the deceased released a statement lamenting the loss. “Danielle will be missed by her two sons – or are they daughters? – as well as her husband, or wife, or ex, or whoever it was she used to bring to these things. I am sure I speak for every one of her friends in saying that this is a tragedy we will gossip about for many years to come.”

The incident will reignite debate on the safety of utilizing technology created for the purpose of bringing death to the enemies of the free world.

“Drones are indicative of Obama’s presidency,” said Republican senator, Dick Howard. “Now they’re a threat to innocent American citizens. I’m a big advocate of the 2nd amendment, but this is going too far.”

Amazon To Begin Selling Marijuana, Methamphetamine Through Online Store

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

SEATTLE, Washington –

Amazon.com, America’s largest online marketplace, announced plans to begin selling marijuana and Methamphetamine to states where the drugs are legal. Shares of Amazon rose 15% on the news, and analysts predict this will be a huge income opportunity for Amazon.

”We are going to test marijuana sales in Colorado starting immediately. The good news is all marijuana sales will be prime eligible, so you will only have to wait two days for your pot,” said Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. “Our research shows most pot users don’t like leaving their houses, so having it delivered right to their doorstep will be a big selling point. We are also offering our own line of Methamphetamine that will be called ‘Amazon Highs’. ‘ Amazon Highs’ will be just under the illegal dosage, making them sellable in all states. The pot and the ‘Amazon Highs’ should be big sellers with the young people, so we are looking forward to huge profits.”

“Not leaving my house for drugs, getting high legally…Shit, I love living in Colorado,” said town stoner Matt Kelly. ”Amazon is the best. I mean it’s a big corporation so I should hate it, but how can I hate a business that brings me my drugs?”

Not to be outdone in the drug-delivery game, Dominos Pizza has announced that they, too, are looking into selling marijuana with their other products, promising a 30-minute guaranteed delivery. Chuck Edwards, regional manager of Dominos says, “It makes perfect sense, because our pizza tastes better when you’re stoned. Our research shows that stoners don’t think far enough in advance to order their pot two days prior to needing it, so the 30 minute guarantee will have the kids calling us instead of Amazon.”

New England Albino Man Goes Missing During Snowstorm, Police Still Searching

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

An albino New England native, John Logan, has gone missing during a snowstorm in New England. There has been no sightings of the pigmentally challenged individual thus far, yet rescue services are hoping that with the storm settling by late Tuesday, they’ll be able to find signs of his whereabouts.

“It’s strange that we haven’t found him,” said rescue worker Jonah Abrahams. “We’ve usually located missing persons by this time, even in a storm of this calibre. It’s like he just…dissolved.”

Longtime friend of Logan, Burson Brookes, suggested that Logan’s disadvantaged background may be related to his disappearance. According to Brookes, Logan has a physiological defect – that of being left-handed.

“John was never allowed to join the scouts,” he said. “They claimed that he wouldn’t be able to fit in, because he’d have to learn the skills they taught from the inverse side, but we all knew it was down to that prejudice against lefties the scouts are infamous for.”

Logan’s mother also blasted the local Boy Scouts, saying that he’d probably be home safe now were it not for their bigotry against anyone “with the slightest difference.”

“I know they’ve discriminated against boys of color,” the frantic mom stated. “But Johnny was certainly not a boy of color.”

Late afternoon attempts to locate Logan were hampered by another mystery. Numerous sightings were reported of what has been described as a “paranormal,” and “ghostly” phenomenon. Members of the public who had previously volunteered to help search for their fellow citizen were scared and discouraged, lowering Logan’s chances of being found.

“It’s some sort of freak show out there,” one visibly shaken witness said. “I mean, this could be the cause of his disappearance.”

When asked to describe what had left her so scared, she stated that an outfit was out there moving of its own accord, seemingly inhabited by an invisible man. “Either that, or someone with freakishly good camouflage for these conditions.”