Justin Bieber to Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

Posted on July 29, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine set to hit the stands in October, Justin Bieber announced that he will be starring in the title role in the beloved classic musical, Annie, on Broadway next year.

Said the young music sensation, “I’m pretty stoked to take a break from the hip hop scene and do what I really love—show tunes.”

He also noted the parallels between the rags-to-riches character and his own shot to wealth and stardom. “Annie really inspired my journey,” he said. “And if she were a real person, I really think she’d be a belieber.”

Bieber revealed that the song, It’s a Hard Knock Life was the reason he chose to break into music to begin with, and even claims that from the moment his mom put in the old VHS during a family fun night, he became convinced that it gave birth to the hip-hop movement as we know it.

“If you think about it,” said Bieber, “hip-hop came from rap, an art form inspired by disenfranchised youth and life on the streets. People think being from a white Canadian family I don’t know about that. But I saw the great classic film Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Belieb me. I know.”

Aside from his elation at this career-changing opportunity, which he calls “a dream come true,” he can’t wait to “take a Lamborghini through Times Square at 120.”

At the close of the interview, Bieber stated that proceeds from the production will be donated to a support group for celebrities who have been defamed by the media.

“That’s right homies, the sun will come out tomorrow,” Bieber said, with a fist-bump to the chest. “The Biebs has got all ya’lls back.”

When asked if more gender-bending stage performances could be anticipated in the near future, he replied, “Right now I’m in talks with Alex Timbers to do Anne of Green Gables.”

Tickets go on sale August 1st, 2014.

Coca-Cola Recalls 2 Million Bottles With The Name ‘Michael,’ The Reason Why Will Shock You

Posted on July 29, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Coca-Cola spokesperson Gabriella Sanchez announced in an impromptu press conference this morning that the iconic cola company is urgently recalling all twenty-ounce size bottles of the drink with the name ‘Michael’ on them due to “compromising of ingredients”. She went on to say that several customers had returned their drinks to stores and/or called the Coca-Cola customer service hotline after noticing their personalized bottles, with the name ‘Michael’ on them, had an odd taste.

“Several calls began to come in on Friday afternoon with customers complaining that their bottles of cola had an odd taste, all of which were part of our ‘Share a Coke With…’ campaign, and had the name Michael on them.” Sanchez announced to the unassuming press. “Naturally, we immediately launched an investigation on the issue and after thorough lab testing we discovered that the ingredients of a particular series of batches were compromised. Our investigation and research found a disgruntled employee, who is not being named due to criminal investigation, had been adding literal top soil – dirt – into her batches. If consumed, these bottles of cola are not necessarily considered dangerous so there is not cause for panic, but of course we do not want our very loyal and longtime Coke lovers ingesting this foul-tasting soda.”

Sources close to the situation, which requested to remain anonymous, leaked the story to a reporter about the case as early as Sunday morning, saying that a female employee, who was claiming sexual harassment by her supervisor, who just happened to be named ‘Michael,’ had ‘spiked large batches of the drink with top soil she had been bringing to work,’ via her purse. She did so after discovering that all batches she was put in charge of would be added to two-million 20-ounce bottles which would be labeled “Share a Coke with…Michael.”

Coca-Cola said that the unidentified employee had filed harassment documentation against the supervisor, whose name is also being withheld due to the ongoing criminal investigation, and told co-workers that her complaint had been ignored. Another Coca-Cola employee, also female, stated anonymously that the women in the Atlanta, Georgia bottling plant ‘are treated like objects on a regular basis.’

“The young woman who had contaminated the drinks, in my opinion, deserves to be fired and face criminal charges, even though she was wrongfully driven to commit the act,” said the employee. “The people, the customers, do not deserve to drink dirt, that was absurd. That being said, we should be thankful it wasn’t something more dangerous she put into the bottles.”

“We encourage all who have the ‘Michael’ bottles to call our customer service hotline immediately. Do not throw the bottles away, you will be asked for the bar code number, your name, address, the store where you purchased the items, and we’ll also ask that you mail us back, at your cost, the remaining soda in the bottle. We will be refunding your purchase price via gift certificate, which can be redeemed anywhere Coca-Cola is sold, as long as that store does not also sell Pepsi. We apologize to all who have been affected by this inconvenience, and we want the world to know that this matter has been fully resolved. Increased security measures are already in place that will prevent any possibility of future attempts of corrupt, bitchy employee tampering.”

Sanchez added, “To those who have already drank the bottles of soda but didn’t notice there was dirt in it, do not worry. It is no worse than breathing dust on a hot, dry, American summer day while drinking a cold, crisp, refreshing Coca-Cola.”

Vice President Joe Biden Spotted Wandering Drunk Through D.C. Suburbs

Posted on July 28, 2014 by A.R.

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Vice President Joe Biden was spotted visibly drunk in several places over the weekend, with several people even getting pictures or videos of his antics, posting them to Instagram and Facebook. One such image even shows Biden urinating on a McDonalds’ storefront in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Mychal Lewis, Assistant Manager of the McDonalds, explains that the VP was acting belligerent before leaving and eventually disgracing the restaurant.

“He demanded a Whopper. He was slurring his words pretty heavy and kept saying something like ‘I’m the goddamn Vice President.'” said Lewis. “I tried telling him he was in the wrong place and there’s a Burger King just a couple blocks down, but he wouldn’t listen. Finally he left and I turned to go back to the kitchen. I hear a knock at the window and there he is again, this time with his pants around his ankles, pissing on the wall outside. He was staring at me and smiling the whole time. It was terrible.”

Later that same evening, Biden was videotaped in Bethesda attempting to start a fight with a homeless man. In the video, Biden can be heard declaring himself the “Secretary of Kickin’ Ass” before slapping the vagrant in the back of the head. The two exchange a series of awkward punches before Biden toppled over and the homeless man shuffled away.

The next morning in Arlington, Virginia, the owner of a house that is painted white was alarmed when Biden stumbled in through the back door. The home owner threatened to call the police, but the Vice President talked him out of it. They shared a pot of coffee and Biden left amicably. Apparently, Biden thought he was entering the White House.

“It wasn’t just that it was white. The columns threw him off,” said the home owner, who wished to remain anonymous because he is a ‘die-hard republican.’

The Vice President frequently referred to himself in the third person as “Ol’ Joe” when discussing his drunken adventure.

“Yeah, Ol’ Joe got a little frisky last night. Does that make me a bad person? Can’t a guy have some fun? So I got a little carried away. We were all having fun. It ain’t easy being Ol’ Joe. Barry’s always trying to put me in a box. Please don’t say this, please don’t do that. Well, sometimes Ol’ Joe just got to be Ol’ Joe.”

Political analysts believe that rather than try to prevent future gaffes from Biden, the current administration will instead encourage more raucous behavior from the VP in an attempt to distract from the VA scandal, a perceived-to-be tepid foreign policy, and any future controversy.

Pittsburgh Steelers Give Tryout To First Female Player

Posted on July 28, 2014 by L.J. Mainville Jr.

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

It used to be that women in the NFL were cheerleaders. Until recently, there has been a few novelty football leagues such as the Women’s Lingerie Football League (LFL) or the Independent Women’s Football League (IWFL); however, much like Women’s Basketball there is not much of an audience for these games. Other than the occasional “wardrobe malfunction” with the LFL, there really is not much excitement to these games.

With the recent ‘War on Women’ in the political arena, the NFL has decided to take a serious request in considering allowing female players in the NFL, when a request from 24-year-old Kaitlyn Saunders of Erie, PA arrived at St. Vincent College in Latrobe Pennsylvania requesting to try out as a kicker.

“I felt bad, but I told her this was the practice field and we don’t hold walk-on tryouts,” said Dan Calbright, spokesman for the Steelers coaching staff.

Traveling with her father and brother, Kaitlyn made the three hour trek just for a chance to try on the Black and Gold.

“I played soccer for years and I can really put a good boot on the ball,” Kaitlyn said with a toothy smile.

“She’s got a real strong leg,” her brother, Todd Saunders reported. “We were goofin’ off and she actually made a 53 yard goal.” Kaitlyn’s father backed up the story and stated they had her do it several times just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.

A spokesman for Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner, stated they would give consideration to Kaitlyn pending an evaluation from Pittsburgh’s special teams coach, Danny Smith. When word of Kaitlyn’s skills made it back to Art Rooney, she was invited back to the Steeler’s main practice facility on Pittsburgh’s south side where she met with Danny Smith and the rest of the special team coaches.

“She’s an outstanding kicker and clearly has a strong leg,” Dan Smith reported. “She made a 58-yard kick at our south side facility.” Kaitlyn was 12 for 16 on the day during her invitational workouts, missing two from 45 yards out that she simply didn’t get enough lift on. They were knocked down by a net that is set up for the drill to ensure proper height. Kaitlyn also missed one from 50 yards out and another from 40 yards away.

Coach Smith gave no indication as to whether or not they would recommend Kaitlyn for an actual combine try out, however Roger Goodell’s office is making the consideration a possibility. When asked about drafting such a player, Danny Smith said, “If she’s invited to the combine I’d give her some serious consideration.”

“I’m just hoping that I can open up a couple barriers for the NFL next season,” said Kaitlyn. “They’ve seen what I can do, and now we’ll play the waiting game.”

‘Ghost Adventures’ Star Gets Fired, Reveals Disappointing Truth About Paranormal Television Series

Posted on July 28, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Aaron Goodwin has been fired from the Travel Channel television series Ghost Adventures, according to Travel Channel executive and spokesman Richard Roscolelli. Goodwin was fired from the series following a rant while being interviewed on a popular podcast. During the interview on the Are We Alone show hosted by Joshua Sweeney, Goodwin went on about an eight minute rant about how the Travel Channel took everything that was authentic and truly paranormal about the show and made a mockery of it by making the crew record its own voices in place of actual EVP’s (Electronic Voice Phenomena) when filming did not reveal enough evidence to satisfy producers.

During the two-hour podcast, Goodwin dished out the disappointing facts. It did not stop with the Travel Channel making them record their own EVP’s but he says they actually made them go back and film reactions of the crew so that they would act surprised when hearing things that did not actually occur.

“If we film all night long and came back with uneventful material, they actually make us go back, and act out scenes. It’s sickening really,” said an angry Goodwin. “This started off as a real thing, it is just not consistent and active enough for the big-shots at the network, so they basically have turned us into liars. We have been committing a fraud in my eyes and I’ve just about had enough.”

Co-stars of Goodwin, Zak Bagans and Nick Groff, have been unavailable for comment. Roscolelli says he expects the show to go on without Goodwin despite his efforts to ‘expose the truth.’

“We are not sure why he said what he said but it is all false. We suspect there may be a feud involving one, or both, of his co-stars, and what better way to get at them than attack the show?” Roscolelli said.

Ghost Adventures, which premiered October 17, 2008, just recently concluded its ninth season on July 12th. No plans or announcements have been made on when, or even if, there will be a tenth season. Some believe the show may have been cancelled, hence the statements made by Goodwin.

“Sounds to me like the show isn’t being renewed and its time to tell all for the crew,” said super-fan Hannah Belew. “It’s too bad. The show was fun. I think everyone watching knew it was faked anyway. Even people like me who really believe in ghosts and spirits know you can’t just walk into an old building, turn on some stupid night-vision cameras, and start seeing things. It was just good entertainment.”

Representatives for The Travel Channel were not available for further comment.

10-Year-Old Girl Receives Breast Implants From Mexican Doctor

Posted on July 27, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LONDON, England –

Sarah Burge has been making international headlines for close to a decade as the ‘human Barbie,’ a woman who has spent almost a million dollars on plastic surgery and body augmentation. She last made waves in the news in 2011, when she gifted her then 7-year-old daughter, Poppy, a gift voucher for almost $16,000 worth of surgery in the form of breast implants. She said that the voucher, although extravagant, could not be used until Poppy turned 18.

Since that time, Burge has apparently changed her mind, recently allowing and paying for her daughter, who is now 10, to get breast implants. The pair had to fly to Mexico to find a doctor willing to perform the surgery on such a young child.

“Poppy kept bugging me to have it done,” said Burge. “She’d stomp her feet and throw a tantrum, and say things like ‘Mommy, you had your first surgery at 7! I’m 10 now! I want my surgery!’ After awhile, I realized that she was right, and I had to give in.”

Burge says that she did try many clinics in both the UK and the US first, and every doctor she spoke to turned her down flat. Some even threatened to inform child protective services.

“They were very rude, very crass,” says Burge of the doctors she spoke to. “I even offered to pay double their normal price for the cosmetic surgery, and the still refused. We finally found Dr. Rodriguez in Tijuana, and he was willing to perform the surgery for actually a lot less than anyone else.”

Dr. Jose Rodriguez is a non-certified plastic surgeon who works out of his offices, which are actually just small rooms attached to his apartment, in Tijuana, Mexico.

“I have been a surgeon for many, many years,” claims Rodriguez. “Sarah came to me after being turned down by lots of doctors. People with ethics and concerns for children. Me, I don’t have those things. I performed the surgery, and it went very, very well. Young girl, she has a great set of breasts now. She is going to be a beautiful woman, just like her mama.”

Burge’s young daughter, Poppy, said that she loved the experience of the surgery, and cannot wait to have more of them.

“I really want to get my ears trimmed back, like Mommy,” said Poppy. “I also want to get my butt tucked in and my hips shaved down. I don’t like my fingers, so I might have them shaved down, too. I also want to have my eyes dyed a different color and to have my lips puffed way out like Mommy’s. I want to be beautiful.”

“Plastic surgery is a multi-billion dollar industry throughout the world,” said Rodriguez. “It makes people happy, makes them feel better about themselves. What’s wrong with that?”

Burge has reportedly gifted several other vouchers to Poppy over the last few birthdays and holidays, including a $12,000 voucher for liposuction and $15,000 for various additional cosmetic surgery. These vouchers usually come as birthday gifts, at parties where Burge spends anywhere from $40,000 to $75,000 for Poppy and her friends.

“I like to make her happy. Everything I do is for my Poppy,” said Burge. “I can afford to do anything and everything to make her dreams come true, so why wouldn’t I do it?”

Michael Vick Sustains Season-Ending Injury After Being Attacked By Dog

Posted on July 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

On March 21st, Michael Vick signed a $5 million, one year contract with the New York Jets. Yesterday the big pay-day was put in jeopardy after a dog running loose in his New Jersey neighborhood, ironically of a pit bull breed, attacked the quarterback and caused extensive muscle damage to his right leg, which doctors say will keep him from playing football in 2014.

A clause in his contract states that if he is unable to perform at all during the 2014 season due to injury outside of football, he stands to lose up to 85% of the $5 million.

“We certainly hope Mike recovers more quickly than expected and is able to play but according to team physicians it looks highly unlikely,” said team publicist Bryan Welch.

Vick served 18 months of a 23 month sentence for operating a dog fighting ring in 2009. The case was very high-profile and received massive media attention due to the fighting, torture, and executions of pit bulls at the hands of Vick. He missed two complete NFL seasons, and was released by the Atlanta Falcons in August of 2009, making him a free agent. Vick eventually signed with the Philadelphia Eagles where he played until last season. Vick signed the one year deal with the New York Jets in March.

Some are calling Vick’s unfortunate incident poetic justice, such as Jets fan Carmine Vinotossi of Brooklyn, New York.

“He got what he deserved. I am a Jets fan, born and raised since I was 1-year-old, and I was sick the day the Jets announced they hired this bum as a quarterback. $5 million for one year? Give me a break,” said Vinotossi. “What were they thinking, these guys? It looks like karma got it all sorted out now. God is, in fact, a Jets fan.”

It is reported that the dog that attacked Vick was, coincidentally, part of a liter of puppies that had come from an animal shelter that housed dogs from Vick’s dog-fighting ring. The owner, who says that his dog, L.T., which is named after New York Giants’ great Lawerence Taylor, is an extremely loving dog, and will play with the neighborhood children. He has never shown the slightest bit of aggression to anyone prior to the attack.

“L.T. is a super sweet dog,” said owner Aaron Silver. “He loves kids, he loves other dogs. We even have a cat that he sleeps next to every night. When he saw [Vick] walking down the street, it was the first time I’d ever seen any anger in him. I think he could sense Vick’s history, and he knew they had bad ties. I think it was L.T.’s way of getting one back for his family.”

Per state law, dogs that are responsible for an attack are automatically put down. According to police reports after the attack, the dog was actually returned to his owner per request of Vick.

“Mike feels like this was his chance to give a second chance to a pit bull, and that God himself caused the attack as a form of payback,” said a friend. “He got a second chance at life, why shouldn’t this dog?”

UFC Partners With Richard Branson and Virgin Group For First UFC Bout in Space

Posted on July 27, 2014 by Jon Smith

LONDON, England –

Early morning reports are that in a stunning merger, the Ultimate Fighting Championship with partner with Virgin Group in a joint effort to put on the first mixed martial arts event into orbit.

The UFC, the premiere organization in mixed martial arts, has recently expanded the number of fights it broadcasts per year in an effort to expand to even larger, global markets. Events thus far have expanded into South America, Australia, Europe and Asia.

When reached for comment, UFC President Dana White told reporters for Empire News, “F— you,” and hung up the phone.

Conversely, when reached for comment, Virgin Group founder and Chairman Richard Branson was far more open and amiable with reporters. “It really was the smart business move.”

Branson, 64, first made stellar headlines with the announcement in September, 2004, of the formation of Virgin Galactic, a company which would focus on the previously nonexistent industry of space tourism. Then, in July, 2012, Bronson announced plans to build an orbital space launch system designated LauncherOne.

“We’ve been out of the news for a while,” Bronson told reporters, “and with England blowing the World Cup, I figured we needed to get back on the map by merging with MMA. I mean, Michael Bisping has been a bust for us, so I figured it was time to step up.”

Details have been vague, but reports from inside Virgin Group suggest that LaucherOne will have a modest arena built within the orbiting platform in which approximately 25,000 of the world’s wealthiest and most self-conscious people will allowed to watch live the first low-gravity mixed martial arts fight in history. Other amenities will include several tanning/hair salons, an Apple Store, a celebrity detox facility, franchises of Starbucks coffee, Chipotle, Subway, Juicy Couture, Ed Hardy, and Lululemon.

At time of publication, no fighters have yet been confirmed for either the preliminary or the main event card, but one name that continues to be circulated is former WEC champion Uriah Faber, who gained some increased popularity with his Full Contact Skydiving video on YouTube.

Faber, who has since adamantly denied rumors of a UFC in space, admits that the video was his attempt at a joke and that he doesn’t really understand how satire works. He in no way endorsed the idea of low- or zero-gravity combat.

Bronson, who has seen the sky diving video several times and has used it for research in the building of the arena is determined to “launch the little fu—- into orbit” anyway and “maybe show him some episodes of Benny Hill or A Bit of Fry and Laurie for an education in proper humor.”

Sources inside the Nevada State Athletic Commission suggest that referee Steve Mazzagatti is on the short list to officiate the event since “we’ve been thinking about launching him into space for years anyway.”

Muhammad Ali’s Olympic Gold Medal Found In Ohio River

Posted on July 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Once a year, volunteers who live near and along the great Ohio River participate in an event dubbed “The Annual Ohio River Sweep,” which extends the entire length of the massive waterway, from Pittsburgh, PA to Cairo, Illinois. Organizers said when the River Sweep started 25 years ago, finding items like washing machines, cars, and sunken fishing vessels was common.

“We’re not finding any of the large objects anymore, but we are finding what I call lots of ‘convenience items.’ A lot of the pop bottles, a lot of the plastic bags. So there is still a lot of work to be done on the Ohio River,” said River Sweep coordinator Lisa Cochran.

This year the great sweep fell on June 21. It was business as usual for volunteers from state to state, that is, except for one man. Robert Bradbury was born, raised and has lived his entire life in the thriving city of Louisville, Kentucky. Home of boxing great and humanitarian Muhammad Ali. What he found during the Sweep is most definitely one of the more mysterious and infamous pieces of sports hardware in American history.

“I saw something round and fairly large – well, bigger than any coin I know of, sticking out of the mud. I went to retrieve it and I realized it was a medallion of some kind,” Bradbury said. “As a joke, I walked over to my wife Pattie and told her ‘Hey I found Ali’s gold medal that he threw off the Second Street bridge in 1960!’ We both laughed as I tried to get it clean enough to make out what the design was on the thing.”

It was when he started to make out a figure on the medallion that Robert started to wonder what it really was.

“I finally rubbed the thing off enough so that I could see an image on the medallion, it almost looked to me like some ancient Roman God or something, then it clicked, I looked at my wife and said, ‘Oh dear Lord, the 1960 Olympics were in Rome!’ The thing totally looked Roman to me so I started to get excited. She told me to calm down because most medallions have that kind of design on them.”

It turns out that his wife was wrong, and there was a definite reason to get excited.

After about a week of searching for an appraiser, they located an Olympic Medal collector and expert living in Indianapolis, Indiana. So they made the two-and-a-half hour drive to meet Wade Somerville, who has been collecting Olympic Medals for fifteen years. Somerville used a special cleaning solution designed specifically for fragile, valuable precious metals.

“Not five minutes went by before he lit up like a Christmas tree, turned and said to us ‘What you have here, is an authentic 1960 Olympic Gold Medal. This thing is the real deal.'” The three of them were speechless. They all knew the old story.

Ali, then named Cassius Clay, cherished his gold medal from the 1960 Olympics so much that he wore it all the time, even while sleeping. Then one day, sickened by a horrific bout of racism he encountered that evening, the 18-year-old light- heavyweight boxing champion stood on the Second Street Bridge and threw the medal into the Ohio River.

He never revealed the story until a documentary was made about him in 1975, and he explained what happened. For various reasons, however, people seemed to want to believe he was making the story up to get a rise out of his fans and the Olympic committee, just being dramatic as he always was. The incident took place in the fall of 1960. Fast-forward fifty-four years. June 21, 2014, Robert Bradbury pulls an authentic 1960 Olympic Gold Medal from the muddy banks of the Ohio River.

“There is no doubt in my mind that this is the very gold medal Cassius Clay threw off that bridge. It is the most amazing thing I could possibly see with my own eyes!” said Somerville.

“I was like, ‘Oh Lord, now what do we do?'” Bradbury revealed. “We decided the only right thing to do was somehow contact the Ali family, so we went to the Muhammad Ali Center and swiftly handed it over to the curator. They were extremely excited as you could imagine and treated us like royalty.”

About a week went by when the Bradbury’s received a phone call from Chief Curator Sarah Lynn Jeffcoat, she asked the couple to meet them down at the Center as soon as possible. When they finally arrived, they were amazed by what was waiting for them. A check, written by the Ali family for the sum of $200,000.

“We both just burst into tears,” said Bradbury. “It is such an amazing thing to be actually now be a part of this amazing human-being’s story. We are linked with him for eternity, and they could not have been more thankful and appreciative. They have reached out and changed our lives forever, we are so grateful!”

Peyton Manning Injured, Team Says He’s Out For Season

Posted on July 26, 2014 by JP

DENVER, Colorado –

Not only will fantasy football rosters be ruined for everyone, but a season is in jeopardy for a team thought to be the top competitor coming into the NFL season this fall. Reports of Peyton Manning being out for the season have been confirmed by the team doctor after an injury that occurred in a walk-through practice.

The team was doing simple drills with no pads or contact, and Manning still found a way to break his ankle in three places, leaving him off the roster for the Denver Broncos.

The injury occurred when Manning dropped back for a pass and tripped over equipment that had been left out.

It is unclear when and if he will return to the field, but sources have confirmed that the equipment manager has been fired due to the incident. The Bronocos will be looking for hope in their back-up quarterback Brock Osweiler.

Osweiler says that he is nervous, but also ready to lead the team back to the Super Bowl.

“It’s crazy how it happened but when you get a chance to start in the NFL as a quarterback you have to take it,” said Osweiler. “Being a backup QB, I am more than prepared for this type of thing to happen, but I also thought if it did happen it would be during the season. I’m not saying it won’t be tough to follow Peyton Manning, but I have nothing but faith in myself, the team, and the organization.”

Tests are being run on Manning to see how critical the damages are to the ankle and if returning to play during the 2014-2015 season will be an option for the all-star quarterback.