Woman Claims Donald Trump Gave Her Baby Herpes During Meet-and-Greet

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Presidential candidates have long been known to kiss babies during meet-and-greets, so much so that it has become common for people to thrust their babies in to the arms of candidates without so much as a word. One woman, though, has plenty to say, as she says her baby contracted herpes after being kissed by Donald Trump during a rally last month.

“I absolutely love the things that Donald Trump says, and I think he’s amazing,” said Irene Jones, 29. “I want my son to grow up in a world where Donald Trump is president, because I don’t pay much attention to things in life, but when someone says, basically ‘fuck the Mexicans,’ I listen. But this – this is too much for me to handle.”

Jones says that last month she attended a Trump support rally, and asked the aging billionaire candidate to kiss her baby.

“I thought that’s what you did with babies when you brought them to rallies,” said Jones. “I thrust little Joe over to Trump, he gave him a little squeeze on the cheeks, then kissed him. Now my damn baby has herpes!”

Doctors say that it’s impossible to tell where the baby would have contracted the disease, but Jones says she knows for sure it was Trump.

“I don’t let many people kiss my baby, and I haven’t had an outbreak in months, so I know it’s not from me kissing him,” said Jones. “It had to be Donald. I’m pretty upset, but in the long run, it’s not a bad thing to know that our future president passed his STDs to my son. It’s kind of an honor, almost.”

Woman Sues School After Homework Causes Daughter To Have Brain Aneurysm

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Maine –

A Maine woman, Joleene Marques, is suing her daughter’s school, Portland High School, after the teachers’ union decided to increase the amount of homework students were given from approximately 2 hours a night, to an ungodly 9 hours per night.

“Every class that my daughter Samantha had assigned her with hours of homework. She would get home from school at 3PM, and start homework immediately, and still wouldn’t finish until after 1AM every night,” said Marques. “It was crazy. It got so bad, I admit that I had to do some of the homework for her.”

On Monday evening, Samantha, 14, reportedly collapsed and died in her home after working on homework for over 9 straight hours. Doctors say she suffered a severe brain aneurysm. Mrs. Marques is now suing the school over their increase in homework, which she says caused the stress that killed her daughter.

“High school is already a sad, pathetic joke,” said Mrs. Marques. “It doesn’t teach you nearly any real-world skills. It’s just rote memorization of dates and times and a lot of, pardon my French, shit that doesn’t at all matter. They should be teaching kids useful information, but instead, they’re killing them, literally, with bullshit.”

Mrs. Marques says she has retained a lawyer, and will be seeking damages of $50 million from the school district.

13-Year-Old Being Cyberbullied Shuts Down Computer, Goes Outside To Play

Posted on February 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Bobby Jennings is your average, 13-year-old teen. He enjoys hanging out with friends, going to the movies, posting on Facebook, and has a blog on Tumblr. But 2 months ago, things for Bobby changed drastically.

“I posted a funny picture of my on my Tumblr, and I immediately had a bunch of people calling me ugly, telling me I should kill myself. The hashtagged me as #yousofat, things like that,” said Bobby. “For a minute, I was upset. It got really bad, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“He was devastated that kids were making fun of him, and I didn’t know how to help him,” said Bobby’s mother, Joanne Jennings. “In my day, kids bullied you in the real world, not over the internet. Those were hard times.”

“When my mom told me she used to be bullied, and that she would come home crying every day, it made me sad,” said Bobby. “So It was then that I realized, though, that times for her were different. She was poor growing up, and she couldn’t always afford to do laundry. Sometimes the water was shut off, and she couldn’t shower. She told me all that years ago. But we’re not poor. We have a nice house. I have friends in real life. So it came to me what I should do, and I shut off the computer.”

Bobby says that ever since he shut off the computer, things have been so much better.

“I went outside to play and ride bikes with my friends. We built a tree house. It’s pretty awesome, honestly,” said Bobby. “I’ve felt so much better ever since I got off the internet. I think more kids who are being bullied online should do what I did and, you know, get offline. It’s pretty easy.”

KKK Hopes To ‘Adopt A Highway,’ Wants To Rename Road ‘Dead N*gger Street’

Posted on February 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Ku Klux Klan, everyone’s least favorite sheet-wearing terrorists, have been battling the state supreme court on whether or not their organization is allowed to Adopt A Highway. Normally, groups that adopt roads are charities or non-profit groups, and none of them have ever asked about renaming roads, either.

“It’s not really so much of an issue that the Klan wants to Adopt-A-Highway, so much as they want to change the name of it as well,” said AAH Project Manager Joel Goldstein. “The Klan wants to not only clean up the highway, but the want to call it ‘Dead N*gger St.’ To me, that’s just crossing a line.”

“When you adopt a kid, you can re-name it whatever you want, and then you go on keeping that kid clean and fed and looking nice,” said Klan member Richard Dawson of Huntsville, Alabama. “If we are gonna adopt a road, and keep it looking nice, and keep it clean, then we want to rename it. And what better way to keep niggers off that street than to call it ‘Dead N*gger Street?'”

According the Supreme Court, the group has every right to Adopt A Highway if the AAH Commission signs off on it, but that they are contesting the group’s request to rename the road with use of a racial slur.

Sleep Deprivation Diet Helps You Lose Weight By Staying Up For Days

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

One of the newest crazes in America and the weight loss industry is the Sleep Deprivation diet, which consists of staying up for days on end, with no food, in order to starve the fat out of your body. All of the people who have tried it say that the diet works immensely well, and that staying up for long periods of time is easy with chemical help.

“I’ve been up for 4 days straight, and I’ve already lost 9 pounds,” said Jamica Jackson of South Central, California. “The first day or so, it was hard keeping my eyes open, so I just started smoking tons of meth, and that keeps me wide the fuck awake, not gonna lie.”

Most of the people on the Sleep Deprivation diet are also hardcore drug addicts, who stay awake by snorting cocaine, smoking meth, or taking copious amounts of speed.

“Oh shit, yeah. I get so much work done, and I don’t eat shit when I’m on speed,” said Peter Berg, of West Memphis, Tennessee. “I was up for 6 straight days last week. Lost 31 pounds. This diet is amazing.”

The diet was created by a former addict, Mario Lorne, who says he started preaching about the diet after he lost 22 pounds on a week-long binge.

“I smoked enough meth to kill a tenured prostitute, and then I did more lines than a bad stand-up comedian,” said Lorne. “That was a year ago. I was up for 8 straight days before I crashed out. Didn’t want to eat a thing while I was high on crank and shit, and I lost a ton of weight. I realized that was the best thing going, and I started spreading the word.”

Lorne has said that several major publishers have approached him about writing a self-help book about weight loss, and that he is expecting the trend to become much larger nationwide as time goes on and more people hear about the Sleep Deprivation diet.

Trump’s Plan To Secure Funds For Mexican Wall? Discontinue Food Stamp Program

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has been asked multiple times in the course of running for president how he plans on building a wall around Mexico to keep immigrants out of the United States. Normally, he says that he’ll “Make the Mexicans pay for it,” but in keeping with his long list of horrendous ideas, today he announced his official plan for making sure that we have secure borders.

“The only way that we can pay for something that will give us the safety and security we need, as well as keep jobs in this country, is by cutting spending somewhere else,” said Trump. “The biggest cuts we need to make are on the freeloaders and the scum in this country, so cut number one will be to the food stamp program. No more free handouts.”

According to Trump, he doesn’t just plan to make budget cuts to the program if elected, he plans to discontinue it all together.

“There’s no reason that people need these handouts from the government, and when I’m elected, they won’t be getting them anymore,” said Trump. “We need this money for other things. Better things. Bigger things. Solid walls need solid cash to be built. Instead of handouts, we get these people a job building the wall, and pay them for their time. No more handouts necessary.”

Trump is currently leading the Republican race, a highly disturbing fact that any conscious, thinking person should be terrified to hear.

Woman Suffers Severe Rectum Burns After Cell Phone Falls In Toilet, Shorts Out

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida –

A 28-year-old woman was hospitalized with severe burns to her buttocks, rectum, and vagina after her cell phone fell out of her pants pocket while she was in the process of sitting down in a restaurant bathroom, landing in the toilet. The water shorted out the phone, causing a small explosion inside the toilet bowl. The explosion is what caused the woman to get burned.

“I’m not going to lie, it was really hilarious,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Daytona Medical Center. “My wife drops her stupid phone in the toilet constantly. So does my teenage daughter. I don’t know why women insist on putting their phones in their back pocket. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Dr. Brown says that the patient, whose name is not being released, will have minor scarring, but in the future, he warns that the case could have been a lot worse.

“She could have died, easily, from her injuries,” said Dr. Brown. “I caution women everywhere to stop putting their phones in their back pockets, stop wearing stupid little jeans with tiny pockets, or stop having phones all together. This is a tragic, yet stupidly ridiculous, circumstance, that I never want to have to deal with again. Be safe, girls.”

Couple Admits That Living In ‘Tiny House’ Sucks Huge, Huge Balls

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

The ‘Tiny House’ craze has been sweeping the country for the last few years, with many people eschewing their former lives as “regular house” renters and owners in favor of moving in extremely tiny, “microhouses.” The craze is so popular that there are even several TV shows dedicated to seeking out and buying tiny houses.

Almost everyone who has ever lived in or stayed in a “tiny house” says that it is amazing, but one couple who gave up their former life as teachers in New York to move to a tiny house in Phoenix say that it’s anything but.

“Living in a tiny house sucks major, unbelievable, massive elephant balls,” said Mark Lawson, 30. “My wife Joanne and I watched all the shows about tiny houses, all the people buying and loving them. Yeah, well, what they don’t show is the shit those people have to deal with day in and day out. They should go back into those homes and visit 6 months later. I bet many divorces have been caused by tiny homes.”

“I can’t even get up from the bed without smacking my face on the walls or the ceiling,” said Joanne Lawson, 31. “Then I go into the shower, which is also the toilet, and you have to do your business at the same time as you’re cleaning yourself. Then the kitchen – oh my God. It’s a nightmare. It’s either microwaving or dining out for us. That’s all we can handle.”

The Lawsons say that they paid almost $300,000 for their tiny home in the Phoenix desert, and they’re doing everything they can to sell it.

“This was the stupidest idea we ever had,” said Mark. “For the money we paid for this, we could have bought a 30,000 square foot home in Detroit. Lived like kings. Instead, we’re sleeping on bunkbeds inside of a shipping container. This sucks so much, so big, so hairy, all the balls.”

“The dick, too, really,” added Joanne.

Hillary Clinton Trademarks ‘Feel The Bern,’ Sues Bernie Sanders To Stop Use

Posted on February 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hillary Clinton has reportedly trademarked the popular Feel The Bern phrase that has spread like wildfire throughout the internet in support of senator Bernie Sanders. The Clinton campaign now claims that it will start legal proceedings against Sanders if he doesn’t stop using it to promote himself.

“We have that term trademarked, and we plan to enforce the mark now that it has been granted,” said Clinton. “If Senator Sanders continues to use it on his marketing materials, signs, and in internet postings, than we will be forced to file suit against him.”

According to the Clinton campaign, they plan to also consider suing individuals on the internet who make posts using the saying, even if it is in hashtag form.

“I have hired a team of people to google the term each day, and to anyone who has used it since the mark was granted, we will send a cease and desist,” said Clinton. “If they do not, then we will file suit against them as well.”

Mother Names Baby ‘Roofie’ After How She Became Impregnated

Posted on February 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

KEENE, Louisiana –

A new mother has reportedly named her son Roofie after she was apparently drugged and raped during a party. The woman, Felicia Gregory, says that during a visit to Boston College last May, she was drugged and impregnated, but that she “wouldn’t change any of it.”

“Yes, I was roofied while at a party, and that’s why I named my son Roofie,” said Gregory, 23. “He may have been born out of wedlock, which I never would have asked for. He may have born born of rape, which I never would have asked for. And he may be the by product of any one of the 17 men who had sex with me that night, which I never would have asked for, but I’m still so glad he’s mine.”

Gregory says that she never told anyone except a few close friends what happened, because she didn’t think anyone would believer her. When the baby was born, doctors were surprised that she would choose such a controversial name.

“I was originally going to just name him Rape Baby, but I thought the point might be a little to straight forward, so this was second best,” said Gregory. “My son will always be special to me, and Roofie Jesus Gregory is the love of my life.”