State Agencies Begin Arresting People On Animal Cruelty Charges For Making Cucumber Cat-Scaring Videos

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Cats have long been the internet’s most famous animal. Whether you love or hate cats, there is a meme, a video, a picture, or a song online about cats. Over the last several months, one of the most trendy videos to make is one where you scare your cat with a cucumber. As crazy as it sounds, people love filming their felines becoming terrified as they discover the oblong shape when it is placed near them without being noticed.

PETA and the ASCPA have lobbied several states to begin tracking down and arresting people who torture their pets in this way on animal cruelty charges, as it is extremely harmful to the cat.

“When a cat is eating, he is in his safe zone. He needs to feel like that area is free from predators and harm,” said ASPCA member John Lewis. “When your cat is eating and you place a cucumber – or anything, really – behind him, and he turns around, he instantly becomes scared because he assumes it is a snake or other predator that is there to harm him. In turn, this makes cats stop eating or drinking, fearing for their safety by not returning to their food area.”

The long-term effect this has on felines have not been tested, but PETA and ASPCA say that the gag is enough to warrant arrest based on animal cruelty, and several state governments have agreed.

“Georgia, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Vermont, California, and Nebraska are just a few of the states that we have convinced to track down and arrest these animal abusers,” said Lewis. “We are all working closely with Google, as most of these people who have accounts are making money on their cat videos with Google’s AdSense service – which requires them to give a real name and address. We believe we can successfully stop people from creating these harmful videos, and show love and care to their furry feline friends.”

Pope Declares Series Of New, Damnable Sins

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ROME, Italy –

A “sin of the week” will soon be posted on the Pope’s social media accounts, causing those of the Catholic faith to have to keep up-to-date on what may send them to Hell. Upcoming sins will include voting for liberals, neglecting houseplants, and inconsiderate parking. Plans are also in the works to finally do something about ‘deviled eggs’ and high-carbon emissions, which are leading to the apocalypse.

High ranking and outspoken Cardinal Steve Jalsevec says he does not know what is going on in the Vatican, but something is terribly amiss. “I knew he was crazy when he started talking about how evolution was part of God’s plan. This finally proves it. I don’t know how his advisors are letting this happen.”

The Pope’s advisors are reported to be “having fun for once in their lives.” Publicly, the Vatican has said this is serious business.

“God has told Pope Francis his will be numbered on this planet. Before he is called Home to His Heavenly Kingdom, there is some business he must attend to. The Sin-A-Week plan will ensure he has time to take care of all the issues that are important to him.”

Robert Kraft To Sell New England Patriots To Highest Bidder After AFC Loss

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FOXBORO, Massachusetts –

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has said that he is selling the championship team after a 2-point loss in this year’s AFC championship game. According to Kraft, he can’t deal with the New England fans any longer.

“When we’re winning, the fans are amazing, and there’s nothing better than being the owner,” said Kraft. “Unfortunately, when we’re losing – or when we’ve lost – the fans become vile, vicious, and stupid. They send death-threat tweets to players. They tell players that they should kill themselves. It’s sickening, and it makes me want to leave sports completely.”

Kraft says that he wants to sell the team to someone who can handle being on the losing end of a New England sports season.

“New England fans are the most passionate sports fans I’ve ever seen,” said Kraft. “Red Sox Nation is amazing. They will follow the Sox ’til they die, but they don’t generally lob hate speech at them when they lose. Same goes for Celtics and Bruins fans – they’re passionate, but they’re not vile. Football fans are disgusting human beings.”

The team, which is one of the most valuable in the game, is worth an astounding $172 million. Kraft says he will sell them for a “maximum of $2 million.”

“Whatever gets me the hell away from these fans, I’ll do it,” said Kraft. “I am done being a part of this league if New England fans are going to get like this every time there’s a loss. Plus, I just can’t stand Tom Brady.”

13-Year-Old Impregnated From Toilet Seat In Burger King Bathroom

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

According to her parents, an unnamed 13-year-old girl has become pregnant after visiting a local Burger King restaurant, where they say semen that was on the seat must have caused her to conceive.

“The manger at the Burger King was throwing a man out of the restaurant as we were walking in, and when we asked what happened, they said they found him in the women’s bathroom,” said the girl’s mother, who asked to just be referred to as Mary. “It was disgusting, but there are a lot of perverts in this world. We still enjoyed our burgers and then we went home.”

Before they left, though, Mary says her daughter went in to use the restroom.

“She mentioned that it was dirty and there was something on the seat, and I scolded her for not hovering like I always say to do in public,” said Mary. “But I didn’t think too much of it after that, until about 6 weeks later.”

According to Mary, her daughter complained of cramps after a missed period, and doctors confirmed she was pregnant.

“Our daughter does not even have a boyfriend. She’s never even seen a penis before, so I know that she is telling the truth when she says it had to be the toilet,” said Mary. “I’ve confirmed with multiple physicians who say although rare, it’s entirely possible that the disgusting man’s semen could have impregnated my daughter if it is was still fresh enough.”

Mary says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Burger King for not “properly cleaning” their establishment.

“We’re a Catholic family, so abortion is out of the question here,” said Mary. “I will certainly make sure that Burger King pays for this child for the rest of its life, though, I’ll see to that. I only thank God that the pervert was white.”

Super Bowl 50 To Be Cancelled Over Possible Terrorist Attack

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SANTA CLARA, California –

The National Football League announced today that they would be canceling this year’s Super Bowl after credible terrorist threats were made. The NFL has been working closely with the FBI for the last several days after the threat was received, and it was at the urging of the government that the NFL cancel the biggest game of the year.

“We did not want to give up the game, because it’s the biggest and most important game of the year, and it brings in hundreds of millions of tax-free dollars for our organization,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow a game to be played, though, where people got be violently injured or killed. And in this rare instance, I’m referring to the fans, not the players, as their serious injuries come over years of play.”

According to FBI information, a secret organization of New England Patriots fans said they would detonate bombs around Levi’s Stadium during the Super Bowl, killing thousands. A message placed on several anonymous social media websites say that the fans are outraged that their team lost in the AFC championship game, and they planned to take it out on any fans of the two teams that are playing in the Super Bowl.

“We do not currently have plans to reschedule. It is possible we will play the game at a later date with no audience, and then air a taped version of the game, but as of now, no final decision has been made,” said Goodell.

Walmart Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy After Closing 100 Stores, Laying Off 10k Employees

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BETONVILLE, Arkansas –

Walmart Stores, Inc. has reportedly filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy as of the first of January, after announcing that they would be closing over 100 stores nationwide, with over 10,000 employees being laid off. The bankruptcy comes as the company, the world’s largest employer, has steadily lost sales over the years to online retailers like Amazon.

“We can’t compete with Amazon, we’re not even close to their pricing on nearly anything,” said Walmart spokesman George Glass. “These online stores, they’re killing us. I work for the world’s largest company, and I only made $92,000 last year. How am I supposed to feed my family on that? We have filed for bankruptcy in hopes of restructuring the company and regaining the stranglehold – excuse me, I mean foothold – that we’ve had in the marketplace for the last 4 decades.”

Walmart employees say that they are the ones who are going to be hardest hit by this restructuring, which will more than likely include closing of several hundred more stores, leaving thousands more out of work.

“It’s just like when I worked for Ames. Then I worked for Circuit City. Then RadioShack. All these companies are becoming more and more obsolete every day,” said Walmart store manager Phil Angel. “At this point, I think the only thing really to do would be go and work at Amazon. Give it another 5 years, and there won’t be physical stores anymore for anything. Shit, I even do my grocery shopping on Amazon, and I work in a Walmart store with a grocery department – Amazon has better deals, even with my 6% employee discount!”

Flint Residents Urged To Boil And Drink Their Own Urine During Michigan Water Crisis

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLINT, Michigan –

The small town of Flint, Michigan has had a serious problem with polluted drinking water for the last few years, but the problem has recent reached epic proportions after national news outlets picked up the story, making people aware of the lead-filled river water that residents have been drinking.

Diseases and sickness have caused multiple hospitalizations and even several deaths since the city’s government began telling people that the water was safe to drink, despite its brown and yellow color when straight from the tap. Because of the national media attention, the city officials have decided to recant their statements about the water’s safety, and instead suggests that residents boil and drink their own urine.

“It is much, much safer for you to urinate into jars, bottles, or jugs, boil it, and then drink that,” said Flint city council member Roger Lewis. “You can drink your own urine up to three times before it becomes poisonous, but that is still safer to drink than the river water we’ve been saying was safe for the last few years.”

Residents are currently being given water from other states by the US government, but they must show a valid Michigan license with a Flint address on it to qualify, as well as provide a social security number. Flint city council members say that the water crisis may not end for some time, and that they will continue to research methods for residents to obtain water, including saving saliva and sweat for possible use.

Trix Bunny To Be Replaced With New Rabbit That Survived Animal Testing

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

Few people know that the cartoon Trix rabbit, designed by Joe Harris, was actually based of an actual lab rabbit. After eating Trix cereal, the rabbit went crazy for more as if the cereal was crack. Even though he was hopelessly addicted to cereal, he did not suffer any health consequences.

“We’ve had the Trix bunny as the spokesanimal for so long, that people have forgotten the story,” said Galdwell. “But now it’s time to teach the world that there’s a new bunny in town, and he’s survived, too.”

The Trix rabbit will temporarily be replaced by Cinnabun, the lucky rabbit who survived when he was fed a new version of Trix cereal. To meet changing consumer demand, cereal giant General Mills has had to change their recipes, favoring all-natural ingredients.

Malcolm Galdwell, who worked on the new recipe says, “General Mills cares about children, so they test out all their new cereals on lab animals. The cereals must pass a rat test first. Then if the recipe makes it through that round, then it goes to the rabbit round. After that, it is considered safe for children. Changing the recipe to more natural products, while making it just as addictive, was quite difficult. Cinnabun nearly died, but was able to pull through at the last minute.”

Zika Virus Spreading Through United States Via Mosquitos

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

UNITED STATES –

The mosquito-born Zika virus is rapidly spreading throughout the Americas and is expected to soon reach the Southern United States.

CDC representative James Levine, M.D. warns, “This virus is like a combination of malaria and Lyme disease. Symptoms include fever, rash, fatigue, joint pain, conjunctivitis, and temporary paralysis. We also suspect a relationship between the Zika infection and malformations and neurological birth defects. We recommend that any that suspect they may have been afflicted with the virus delay pregnancy for at least two years.

“Although the disease has been around since 1947, it is suspected that God Almighty caused a mutation which makes transmission easier and the effects more severe.”

Residents of Florida and Georgia are advised to be on alert as early as April 2016. Since the Zika virus is spreading so rapidly through mosquito populations, the CDC warns there is a chance the virus will have reached each side of the country, from Oregon to Maine, by August.

Doctor Who Attacked Uber Driver Checks Into Rehab

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Anjali Ramkissoon, the Miami doctor who lashed out at an Uber driver in a drunken rage, has reportedly checked herself into rehab. After being placed on administrative leave by her job, Ramkissoon says she has nothing left to do but focus on her recovery.

Ramkissoon begged for the public’s forgiveness, but it was not forthcoming. She admitted, “There’s absolutely no excuse for my actions. I am ashamed. I am so sorry. I’ve hurt so many people with this – my family, my friends… The Uber driver – no one deserves to be treated that way.”

She hopes while she is in rehab the public will forget about her and random strangers will stop urinating on her car. She says she does not intend to stop drinking, either.

“It’s not the alcohol that’s the problem. I’m not going to stop drinking. God no. It’s my food addiction that’s the problem. I love Snickers bars, and I’m just not myself when I’m hungry, so then I get bombed and lash out at people who don’t deserve it. I hope after I’ve successfully completed treatment my job will take me back and Uber will lift the ban on me. This was just the one time, guys! I’m really sorry.”