KFC Protested After Patrons Begin Finding Watermelon, Grape Drink on Menus

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

Restaurant chain Kentucky Fried Chicken is stirring the pot in the southern states this week, after several patrons noticed that many of their local franchises had added watermelon slices, grape drink, and corn bread to their menus.

“It was an outrage,” said frequent KFC customer John Limon. “Watermelon? Grape drink? Clearly this restaurant has no idea how to cater to its white customer base, and I for one, will never come here again until they remove these items from their menu.”

Company spokesman Shirley Gordon says that they were trying out new things on their menus, but that they were trying to reach a new audience, not alienate their current customers.

“We have been selling to mostly white families for decades, and we felt it was time to stretch out a bit, and possibly reach some African-American households,” said Gordon. “We already had fried chicken on our menus, of course, but that wasn’t bringing them in. We assumed it was because we were missing the proper sides and beverages. We now have that.”

“It’s too bad that all them white folks are making such a fuss about this watermelon deal,” said Patrick Lamar. “I don’t know why. They don’t have to get the damn watermelon. I love watermelon, and until KFC put it on their menu, I had no interest in going. I hope they don’t cave to the demand of the white guys, like companies always seem to do.”

KFC says that at this time the items are in “test markets” only, and they have not made a final decision about fully rolling it out to all locations. KFC is part of the YUM! brand of restaurants, which also owns Taco Bell and Long John Silver.

Shire Pharmaceutical Company Announces Plans To Release Adderall As Over-The-Counter Medication

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

Shire, PLC, the company that manufacturers the prescription drug Adderall, has reportedly reached an agreement with the federal government to have their drug’s schedule 2 status removed, and allow for over-the-counter purchases in stores. Currently, Adderall, which is used in the treatment of ADHD in children, teens, and adults, is only available through prescription from a doctor or license medical professional.

“We have finally reached an agreenement with the necessary agencies and we can announce that Adderall will become fully available, in multiple strengths, in an OTC, or over-the-counter manner, starting later this year,” said Shire spokesman Andy Roider. “We as a company feel that most people know when they have attention or focusing problems, but they need to see a doctor to get a prescription, and that’s a hassle. This will cut out the middle man.”

Adderall, which is one of – if not the most – abused prescription drugs in the United States, is commonly taken by high school and college-aged students who want to stay awake for long periods of time, whether it be to study or to party.

“Oh man, I took like 400mg of Addie the other day,” said high school junior Mark Dodson. “I’ve been up since Saturday. Seriously, it’s fucking awesome. I love Adderall. But they’re like $10 a pill right now, and it’s insane. I can’t wait for them to be legal to just buy. I’ll get mine at Wal-Mart in bulk. It’s going to be so amazing.”

Many parents are upset that their children will have regular access to the drug, and say that it’s only going to increase the amount of kids who are abusing it.

“It’s bad enough that they legalized weed in Colorado where we live, now they’re going to just let my kid start taking pills legally, too?” said a mother of a 15-year-old teenage girl, Kelsey, in Aspen. “I’ve gotten Kelsey off of marijuana, cigarettes, booze, tar, crack, and molly – now I’m going to have to get her off her anticipated Adderall addiction. Wow, thanks big pharma.”

The drug is slated to be downgraded in the fall, pending government sign-off.

Fast Food Restaurants Busted For Selling Drugs Through 24-Hour Drive-Thrus

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

Several fast food restaurants in Massachusetts and Rhode Island, including 2 Wendy’s locations, a McDonald’s, and a Taco Bell, were raided recently by DEA agents after a tip lead them to discover workers selling drugs through each restaurant’s 24-hour drive thru.

According to police reports, over a dozen arrests were made at local Providence fast food restaurants when DEA agents were given an anonymous tip that several fast food workers – some who actually had jobs at multiple locations – were providing marijuana, prescription pills, and even heroin along with a customer’s Big Mac and fries.

“About two months ago, it was brought to our attention that a minor female who worked the drive-thru counter at a local Wendy’s was selling marijuana, using the restaurant as a base,” said DEA agent Alex Jergens. “We watched several customers use the drive-thru as normal, ordering a regular meal, but asking for an ‘extra side’ of muenster cheese – something none of the restaurants have on their menus. This was the code word we were looking for, and we were able to take down the first person.”

From there, says Jergens, it was easy to spot the locations that were selling drugs.

“We would go through, ask for some food, and ask for extra Muenster. If they didn’t bat an eye or question it, 9 times out of 10 we’d get some drugs from them – unusually, they were even at ‘fast food’ pricing, super cheap. Sometimes though, they were just lazy employees who didn’t want to explain they didn’t have that cheese, and we’d get American on our burger like normal. That’s okay, we like food, too. Gotta eat, even while on the case.”

In total, 14 arrests were made, with 4 of the arrests already coming back in positive convictions for drug dealing.

“We really lucked out with this one. These restaurants, they’re the perfect cover for drug operations. I cant’ say I blame them for wanting to supplement their income. God knows that these kids, they’re making shit money working fast food, but still – the law is the law, and I gotta uphold it. I’m like the Judge Dredd of drugs, I like to say.”

All the restaurants involved say they are planning on performing “internal investigations” into the matter, and most say they are planning on hiring completely new staff from janitors through general managers.

Snapchat Adds New Feature For Adults Users To Send Nudes, Will Block Underage Sexting

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Snapchat, one of the most popular apps for Android and iPhone devices allows you to send a picture or text to someone who has up to 10 seconds to view it, before it is immediately deleted. The service, which was clearly designed for its users to send nudes back and forth, has fought through scandal in the past, as a hack found that the company was storing images on its servers. Many pictures were stolen and leaked to the internet, some of them quite risqué.

After several recent updates that added new options and emojis, Snapchat is set to launch another new feature – a separate section for ‘adults only,’ verified through a snap you send holding your ID next to your face, which will allow its users to send nude photos back and forth, and also be ‘tipped’ via coins which can be transitioned to real money, much like pornographic webcam services.

“This plan is fool proof,” said Snapchat spokesman Sam Clip. “With our new system, kids will no longer be able to send nudes. We are going to actually implement a software that will not allow someone to send a naked image if they have not sent us a snap of them proving their age. If they are under 18, the snap will automatically fail if they try and send it and any penises, breasts, or vaginas are visible. The software is so good, it will even block out a picture taken of another picture of nudity, whether it be in porn or of art.”

Young Snapchat users say that they are very disappointed that the service will no longer be allowing them to send nudes to their friends.

“I sent pics of my tits to like, every boy in my class,” said sophomore Meghan from Georgia. “I want them all to see how great I look naked. The more boys that see me naked, the more I’ll be popular in school. All my friends do it. Well, at least we did until this new update was announced. How are we going to get to be popular now? I guess I’ll just show them in person instead.”

Most parents say that they are happy that Snapchat is taking measures to protect the safety of their children.

“I bought my 12-year-old son a phone, and I expect the app companies to make sure he uses it properly,” said Marie Jacobs of Arizona. “If my Freddy is sending out…dick pics…then Snapchat should stop him. I don’t want him to lose any chance at a life because pictures of his little wiener are out in the ether and on the web.”

Snapchat is expected to roll out the update by the end of April.

Bill Gates To Appear On Next Season of ABC Show ‘Shark Tank’

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Although they had tried to keep the news quiet, ABC recently confirmed rumors that the world’s richest man, Bill Gates, the former chairman of Microsoft Computers, would be a guest on their hit TV series Shark Tank.

“We are super, super excited to get Bill Gates onto our show,” said producer Ryan Miller. “He’s the richest man in the world, worth over $52 billion dollars. He could theoretically invest in any product that comes his way, and whether it’s a winner or a loser, it wouldn’t matter in the slightest – he’d still be the richest man in the world.”

Fans of the show they are very excited to see Gates on the series, as he is well known for his extreme generosity when it comes to charities and investments.

“It’s going to be so cool! I hope he invests in everything,” said fan Marsha Tyler on the Shark Tank Facebook page. “He’s literally the American dream – build something, steal some things, drop out of college, and burn your way to the top. It’s amazing!”

Several people, though, are not as enthusiastic about Gates coming onto the show – the current panel of “Shark” Investors.

Marc Cuban, who is the only billionaire sitting regularly on the panel, says there is already animosity towards him because he is more wealthy than all the other sharks – combined.

“They already hate me because I make great business decisions, and I’m worth more money than all of them together,” Said Cuban. “Personally, I appreciate when others have success, even if it’s more success than me. I’m super happy to have Bill come on the show – but I know the others will be insanely jealous. Even the super-rich get jealous of those that have more than they do.”

Other guests on the show have included comedian and entrepreneur Jeff Foxworthy, who has an estimated net worth of $100 million, and GoPro Camera inventor Nicholas Woodman, who is the wealthiest investor to appear on the show so far, worth over $3.5 billion. Mark Cuban is worth an estimated $2.7 billion.

Bill Gates says he is “excited” to be on the show, but doesn’t know what he is looking to invest in, but hopes that at least one of the companies has created a new, better prophylactic.

Revealed: Pepsi Actually Produced by Coca-Cola to Make Themselves ‘Look Good’

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Josh Marcus

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Shocking news emerging from the refreshment industry. Coca Cola has revealed that Pepsi is their own “reinvention,” brought from obscurity in order to make their product look better in comparison. According to Coca Cola Company CEO, Muhtar Kent, the venture was meant to be a short-lived marketing ploy, but surprised executives and investors alike when it gained popularity among portions of the population.

“We created a cheap imitation of our most popular product and used the existing PepsiCo which we had bought as its vehicle,” Kent told a press conference. “It was specifically designed to be palatable, but not nearly as tasty – the sort of drink you only buy because it’s cheaper. But we kept prices relatively equal and, although it succeeded at creating further brand loyalty among our customers, Pepsi gathered its own following. So we kept and expanded it.”

The revelation was made after rumors began circling that Coca Cola was unfairly treating Pepsi, and had stolen recipes along with some of their best inventors. The rumors were false, but had cast a shadow over the integrity of the company. They felt they needed to put them to rest, and end decades long speculation of Coca Cola being the industry bully.

“It’s unfortunate that the facade had to end, because a lot of people rely on both Coca Cola and Pepsi to fulfil that need for beverage preference competition,” Kent continued. “But investors were worried that the inferior product might become more popular by virtue of the bad reputation we were getting, and we didn’t want to be second best to what amounts to liquidized crap.”

Analyst Robbie Martin says that, although the secret is out, brand loyalty will still remain.

“People need to fight about everything. Why compete over soda anyway? It’s not like you made it. So people will still defend the Pepsi brand, even though Coca Cola makes it taste like piss.”

Marilyn Manson Threatens To Sue Denny’s Restaurants After They ‘Allowed’ Him To Be Assaulted While Dining There

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ALBERTA, BC, Canada –

Marilyn Manson, the shock-rocker known for his outlandish stage shows and dark and brooding songs and lyrics, was recently assaulted at an Alberta, Canada Denny’s restaurant by another patron. According to reports from the assailant, Manson had made rude comments about the man’s girlfriend, and he punched him after Manson allegedly called her a ‘bitch.’ According to Manson’s management, that’s not how the altercation started.

Manson’s manager claims that Manson was posing for pictures in the restaurant after a late-night concert, when the assailant ‘came out of nowhere’ and punched him in the face. Police reports say that at least three people were involved in the incident, but no one was charged. Manson’s manager said that Manson plans on pressing charges against his attacker, but it appears now he is taking it further.

“I’m going to sue the shit out of that Denny’s,” said Manson during a morning radio interview in Alberta. “If I had been anywhere else, like a hotel or a private club, and someone tried to swing on me, security would have stepped in and beat his ass. At Denny’s, they’re too busy fucking up the drunk at the next table’s order of Moons Over My Hammy and refilling my shitty coffee to worry about stopping a famous celebrity from getting punched in the face. It’s ridiculous.”

Manson was reportedly not seriously injured in the altercation, but is seeking heavy damages.

“Damn right they deserve to pay, I could have been seriously hurt or killed. I’m not as young and spry as I used to be, and I bruise easily in my old age. The guy who hit me, he’ll get his turn in court, too, but Denny’s – I’m coming for you, and all your breakfast money.”

A spokesperson for Denny’s corporate attorneys, George Omlet and Richard Egg, could not be reached for comment. Lawyers for Manson say they think he has a “strong case.”

Director Michelle MacLaren Leaves ‘Wonder Woman’ Film, Studio Scrambles To Replace Her With Man

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Film director Michelle MacLaren has reportedly parted ways with the studio over creative differences on the film Wonder Woman. As the studio scrambles to find another director to replace her, executives at Marvel say they are ‘so glad’ that they can put a man at the helm now.

“Basically, what’s happened is that we’ve shown that a woman cannot handle a film of this magnitude, with a character this iconic,” said a Marvel executive, speaking anoymously. “We always wanted a man to be in place as director, because – well, men can do this job, and women can’t. Which should be obvious by the extremely small list of female directors that there are period, let alone the number who have successful careers or Oscar wins.”

According to insider reports, the studio is hoping to be able to get someone for ‘cheap money,’ but that can accomplish the job in the ‘way that they wish.’ Names that have been thrown around so far include indie horror director David Robert Miller, whose current film It Follows is generating tons of buzz, as well as former directing superstar Spike Lee.

“The problem with those guys, though, is really just a matter of preference. Miller could do it, but he’s hot right now, It Follows is destroying critic expectations and is making huge money on a nothing budget – so he could ask for more money than we feel like paying,” said the executive. “Spike Lee – well, he’s a guy, yeah, and that’s what we want, but he’s also a little ‘too black,’ if you know what I mean. I mean I’m cool with black people, but he’s like, extra black. And his movies, they sound a little too ethnic for a comic book movie.”

Until the film has another director, production will presumably be put on hold. The film is not slated for release until 2017.

Stores Begin Denying Patrons Who Want To Pay By Check, Explain New Policy As ‘It’s 2015’

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

Patrons in the Best Buy in Salt Lake City were surprised recently when the store informed them that were changing their policies on payment, and would no longer be accepting checks for purchases.

“I could’t believe it,” said Mary Hutton, 82, who was there to buy a new washing machine. “They said that they took cash, credit, or debit, but no longer took checks. I was shocked. I still am. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Best Buy, as well as several other retailers, say the answer is simple – it’s 2015, and checks have been a dead payment format for decades.

“Ever since banks started issuing debit cards with every checking account, the only people who have used checks are old women and people who are floating a check because they don’t have the money in their account to cover the purchase yet – or they don’t have it at all, and are committing a crime,” said Best Buy CFO Tim Lorde. “Either way, we have no use for checks.”

Employees of several locations say they are extremely happy that the stores have stopped taking checks, as the process for accepting them is extremely slow, and more often than not, the checks are declined anyway.

“We took checks, and just ran them, essentially, like a debit card,” said Best Buy employee Molly Hamlin. “It would be instantly approved or denied. Of course, people didn’t know that, and they were trying to get something for nothing when they had no cash in their accounts, and they’d get declined – then they’d get mad at me, like it was my fault their broke ass couldn’t afford a new TV. Sorry, but pay in cash or by credit like a normal person.”

Many grocery stores and department stores are also starting to phase out check systems in their stores.

“We really want everyone to just pay, and get the hell out,” said grocery store manager Troy Lippit. “Checks slow everyone down. You can see these old women coming in, every Sunday, buying a gallon of milk and having to write a check while behind them a line of people forms, angrily staring her down wondering why she hasn’t gotten into the next century.”

According to banking professionals, checks should be completely obsolete by 2017, with most stores not accepting them by next year. They will, at that point, only be used to pay rent.

Oreo To Change Color Of Cookies To Combat Rumors Of Racism

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHELSEA, New York –

Oreo, America’s favorite chocolate cookies with the cream center, announced today that they would be changing the color of their cookies after rumors of racist behavior by the company.

“We have received threats against out headquarters and factories, alleging that the cookies we make are representative of two black men sexually assaulting a white woman, based on our chocolate cookies with the white cream,” said Oreo representative Vanessa Jill. “Although we obviously think these rumors are stupid and baseless, we can’t have people threaten our company and employees and not take action. As such, we have decided to change the color of our cookies to show that they are in no way racist or sex related.”

According to Jill, Oreo – which is owned by Nabisco – plans to change the color of their cookies to a lightly-toned magenta, almost a ‘hazy purple,’ a color they say they have researched and determined that no one ethnicity lays claim to.

“We have been dyeing our cookies that dark black since the beginning, and we’ve always been able to change the cream color depending on the flavor of any special edition,” said Jill. “We will now begin dyeing the cookies magenta, in hopes that no one will be offended by our cookies anymore.”

“That is so offensive, like, ohmygod,” said LGBT Alliance member Charlie Day. “I mean, it’s totally clear that Oreo is trying to make a gay reference, putting two hot pink cookies outside of a nice, white filling. Obviously they’re trying to rile up us gays, and it’s working. We will definitely be fighting this choice, and pushing for more neutral colors.”

“Oh give me a Goddamn break,” said Jill. “It’s a cookie. Just eat it, and shut the hell up already.”