Animal Shelter in California Initiates “Scared Straight” Program for Rebellious Puppies

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

ORANGE COUNTY, California –

The stereotypical profile of a pitbull walking the streets at night and getting picked up by dogcatchers is all too familiar for most people living in California. That’s why it’s the first state to have a “scared straight” program to put troubled young dogs back on track.

Scared Straight is a program that was originally designed for troubled teenage human children, but M. Walden, the owner of a dog pound in Orange County, saw the program’s design as an opportunity to extend help to other communities.

“These dogs don’t know what it’s like being locked up,” Walden told Empire News in a recent interview. “We’ve had youth intervention programs before where we just talk to them, but they all just look away like they don’t even understand what we’re saying. It’s frustrating.”

The program operates in much the same way with dogs as it does for troubled teens. Puppies, usually age two months to two years, are brought in and put through the same process as impounded dogs. They are harnessed, muzzled, and transported via cages.

Walden explained a typical day at the Scared Straight program to us:

“We show them what it’s like being locked up inside. Stuck in a cage in a room full of obnoxious barking dogs all day. These dogs don’t care – most of them are in here for life. But they see these young puppies walk in here with everything to lose and they really feel for them. We let them talk one-on-one for a while. The transition of growling dogs everywhere to a real sincere chat with a heartbroken lifer really gets to some of these pups.”

Walden says the hardest part is seeing some of the same puppies come in a year later to be locked up, but also that they make the next generation that much more scared to continue their destructive behavior.

The program is expected to spread to other parts of California with some funding and community support. So far its response has been overwhelmingly positive, and bad behavior in young puppies has dropped significantly.

Amazon Unveils ‘Amazon Crime’ Service, Offers Black Market Products at All-Time Low Prices

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

SACRAMENTO, California –

Amazon’s newest innovation is set to open its doors next month. Meet “Amazon Crime,” a service that provides much needed mediation for black market products and exchanges.

“The problem with the black market is that you have no security. You don’t know if you’re getting the drugs or weapons people say you are, and on the other side you don’t know if your buyer is going to pay you or shank you,” Amazon’s CEO explained in an interview. “Amazon Crime fixes that.”

Early previews of the platform are promising. Some features from Amazon’s existing marketplace will make their way into the service in the future, for example assassinations fulfilled by Amazon, free two-day shipping on human trafficking, and more.

“By providing a central, secure place for illegal activity, we hope to bring these products and services to the common middle-class family – not just impoverished people, neglected inner city children, and so forth,” an Amazon representative said in a press conference.

Many criminals have expressed their excitement for this platform, finally able to reach a global audience with their products and services.

“I feel like I’ll finally be able to start my career instead of just doing odd jobs here and there,” Trevor, a 24-year-old aspiring bank robber, shared with us.

Some of the more interesting categories expected to appear on the site include: prostitution, money laundering services, stolen government files, web attack bots, and chemicals. Amazon is also expecting to push out a new device, the Amazon Swindle, which is a combined criminal manual and pocket device to help the average user secure money from stolen credit cards.

According to the CEO, Amazon’s biggest challenge has been finding reliable suppliers. They have posted a number of job openings on their main website to recruit informants, writers, and other employees to help establish a unique but wholesome experience.

‘Game of Thrones’ Fans Find TV Series Spoilers in Local Bookstores

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

GLOBAL, Worldwide –

Fans of acclaimed HBO series Game Of Thrones have reportedly been finding books full of spoilers about the show placed secretly in bookstores around the world. The news has sent many impatient watchers rushing to purchase the volumes, while others have protested against the blatant disregard of the writers for the suspense for which the program is renowned.

“It’s insane,” said one fan delighted by the revelations. “The fifth season is only coming out in April, and already someone has leaked what’ll happen. I opened the one – it’s titled A Feast For Crows – and was shocked to find out that [spoilers removed]. I can’t wait to break it to my friends about [spoilers removed] dying. They’ll never believe it, nor will they believe that [spoilers removed] makes it all the way to [spoilers removed].”

“I don’t think it’s fair. I picked up A Dance With Dragons, innocently thinking it was fanfic about the Game of Thrones universe, and unwittingly found out that [spoilers removed],” said aggrieved fan, Stacey Jones. “I’m so scared that inconsiderate people will reveal to me what else is going to happen. Literally, I’m not looking at any blogs about the series unless they have disclaimers stating [spoilers removed].”

The source of the leak earlier today revealed his identity to be George R.R. Martin, one of the main story writers for the blockbuster series. He defended his actions by citing similar series and movies whose major plot were revealed by writers long before their release dates.

“Tolkien did the same thing,” said an unperturbed Martin. “He revealed that Frodo [spoilers removed] decades before the release date was due. Stephen King is another who consistently does this. It adds to the suspense – not only are you scared of what’ll happen to your favorite characters, you’re now terrified someone will tell you in advance.”

Critics have dismissed the news as unremarkable, stating that it’s characteristic of Martin, who has written such characters as [spoilers removed] out of the show to shock viewers, and never fails to disappoint in bringing fans’ anxiety to the verge of boiling point.

Google Glass Upgrade Will Let You Read Minds Of Significant Other

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California –

An unprecedented release from the corporate giant Google hit the tech market just before Valentine’s Day. The dot-com behemoth released a new beta software upgrade for Google Glass+ that allows one to read the thoughts of their significant other’s wants and desires.

“The desire center of the brain is relatively easy to read as compared to other segments of the brain,” Explained Dr. Dasa Sengupta of Google’s neuro-tech labs. “When someone wants or desires a particular item that is within proximity, the pleasure center lights up in a particular series of stimulation. The more one desires an item, the more synapse fires occur within the pleasure center. When this happens, the eyes also dilate and the cheeks and lips become slightly flushed. This is the key to the Glass+ program.”

Google Glass+ now has the capability to detect the slightest pigment change in a “familiar face,” which has been noted by the machine through multiple viewings. Once the Glass+ becomes capable of reading the face, it can note minor changes in the pigment, as well as eye dilation.

“This is a fantastic progress for couples,” noted Marketing Director David Gebner. “We felt Valentine’s day was the perfect time to release the product, as many men struggle to know exactly what their significant other wants for the romantic holidays. Google Glass+ will now at least give them a bit of a nudge in the right direction.”

Update: Google quickly pulled the software only two days after the release, as the product was found to cause more harm to relationships than it did help. An official release stated there were, “A multitude of reports citing couples separating, or getting into physical altercations, after the Google Glass+ noted a partner’s interest in a third party. Future updates will remedy the situation.”

Bill Gates Loses $1 Billion Dollars At Horse Races

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Bill Gates is reportedly missing one billion dollars after he lost it at the race tracks. Gates said that he was just there to watch the horses, and the money must have fallen out of his pocket. Sources say that, although he never bets, he can often be seen at the tracks, as he is a big lover of the majestic equines.

“He graces us with his presence all the time,” said track owner Reilly O’Connor. “We let him examine each horse, explain which ones are the favorites, which are the best bets, how the weather conditions will affect them, and all sorts of other insider information. Then he sits down with a drink and placidly watches.”

Top Forbes journalist, Macy Taylor, spoke to us about what impact this has on his status in the financial world.

“Bill essentially lost 1.25% of his net worth. Although that sounds small, when you’re dealing with big numbers, it’s enough to feed a small country for the rest of their lives,” said Taylor. “Still, it is not enough to oust him from his position as the richest man in the world.”

However, close friend and associate to the business magnate, John Henry, says there is cause for concern.

“He’s doing it more and more often,” he told the press. “Last week it was $10 million while watching a poker tournament. The week before it was $100 million visiting the restaurant at a casino. Maybe he shouldn’t be carrying such big amounts around, but what’s really concerning is how absent-minded he’s become.”

When asked about the incident, Gates chuckled nervously and said, “I guess it’s time to get some new pairs of pants. The old ones obviously have big holes in the pockets!”

Lottery Officials Say Homeless Texas Man Winner Of $500M Powerball Jackpot

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

A homeless man, identified as 63-year-old Harry Mills has reportedly won the $500 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery game, one of the largest jackpots in the history of the tickets.

According to game officials, Mills turned in the ticket in Austin at the lottery offices early Thursday morning.

“At first, we thought another random bum had wandered in, thinking we were a bar, or looking to wash himself in our bathroom sink, but Mr. Mills came in and walked right over to our secretary, Jane, and said ‘I’ve won, and I want the money!'”

Mills said that he did not purchase the winning ticket, and like most of his possessions, it was found in the garbage on the streets of Austin.

“Yup, found it just sitting in a stack of newspapers and rags on Tuesday night,” said Mills. “At first I almost put it into my pile of ‘things to use as toilet paper,’ but the I noticed the date, and that it hadn’t been drawn yet. I figured it would be wise to at least wait until the pick the numbers, and then I could wipe my ass with it.”

Fortunately for Mills, he held onto the ticket, and according to lottery officials, he is entitled to the money.

“Where someone gets a winning ticket is not our concern, unless a crime was reported in the process of obtaining, such as an armed robbery,” said lottery spokesperson Joan Allan. “Because this ticket was simply lost or discarded, Mr. Mills is entitled to the winnings.”

“This means a whole better life for me,” said Mills. “I can move out of my box in the alley off 3rd street, and I can get a bigger box off of 9th and Broadway. I don’t have a bank account, so I guess I’ll just get one of those big bags with the giant money symbol on it, and I’ll put it in my shopping cart. But oh, I’m definitely getting a new one of those, too! God, this is the greatest thing that’s happened to me since I took up drinking!”

Google Programmers Admit They ‘Don’t Know Celebrities’, Can’t Tell Difference Between Marilyn Manson, Shia ‘Labuff’

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California –

After sharp-eyed Google users began posting thousands of comments onto the company’s social media pages about a curious result to the search query “How Old Is Marilyn Manson,” Google finally admitted to the fact that they have “no knowledge” of celebrities, and that they don’t care to learn, either.

“Apparently, when searching for information on Marilyn Manson, users were greeted with a picture of Shia LeBuff…Labof. Of the Transformers kid,” said Google programmer Myles Jones. “To be frank, we don’t have the slightest idea who either of those people are, really. I seriously had to Google who Shia Labowf…Shia Lebeef…ugh, whatever – I had to Google him before I was even able to make this response. We at Google work hard to do things right, but pop culture? Celebrities? We just can’t be bothered.”

According to users on Reddit, people searching for information on Marilyn Manson, specifically his birthday, were given an answer by Google with the correct month, day, and year – but with a picture of actor Shia LaBeouf where an image of the ‘Beautiful People’ singer should have been.

“I thought it was a gag or something,” said Reddit user IPFreely69. “I laughed my ass off. Then I posted it to the web as a gag ‘conspiracy’ – Is Marilyn Manson and Shia LeBeouf The Same Person?!, and people jumped all over it, and then all over Google. Now I’m hearing that Google, the biggest search engine and most-trafficked website in the world, doesn’t know a thing about celebrities. So, I’m wondering if they really know a thing about anything. How do I know that any information they get for me is accurate?”

“We strive to make sure that all our user’s searches end with the correct information, or at least lead somewhere where the correct information can be found,” said Jones. “Whether it be searches for cat videos, searches for buying a new big screen TV, or searches for buying a new big set of titties, there’s a lot of really complicated algorithms and programming that goes into a massive search engine. We’re just a group of nerds working our asses off to make the site work. To be honest, should we really know who Shia Labuford…Shia Laroux? Shiaaa…aww, shit. Should we really have to know who Marilyn Manson is?”

Google says that they are working to fix the error made by their software team, and they don’t believe any specific programmer or developer maliciously swapped information or images in their search queries.

Uber Driver Charges A Passenger $14,000 For A Two Block Ride

Posted on February 9, 2015 by JP

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

A women is attempting to sue the driving services company Uber after she claims she was charged way too much for a short drive. Melissa Green, age 26, is furious with the company, and claims she will go bankrupt because of them.

The incident occurred on a rainy day in Philadelphia, when Melissa was walking to work and forgot her umbrella. She noticed on her Uber app that their was a driver on the same block as her, and decided to get a fast ride to work. What happened next she says she never saw coming.

“I just jumped in the car and told the driver I was just a few blocks down. I was soaked, and in a rush to make it to work on time. I had him swipe my card and asked the total, he said it would only be ‘about 14.’ That’s a little higher than normal for a short drive, but as I said, I really needed to get to work quickly,” said Green.

The next day she got a call from her bank, asking if she noticed any unusual activity in her account, and they informed her that she had over drafted by several thousand dollars.

“When they told me this, I thought my identity was stolen – until they told me that the big charge was for Uber – $13,850. The banker even laughed, and said that I must have taken a very long trip. I told them it was mistake, and they told me they would contact the company,” said Green. “They figured maybe the driver punched in the wrong amount, trying to charge $13.85.”

Unfortunately for Green, Uber claims it was no mistake, and that when they contacted the driver, he had assured them that he explained the charge in advance.

“Drivers are allowed to charge whatever they’d like, and at that moment, I felt like charging that uppity-bitch a ton of money,” said the anonymous driver. “She was rude, hopped into my car soaking wet, talked on her phone the whole time in a loud, obnoxious voice, and then had the audacity to not even say thank you. She’s lucky I didn’t charge her more.”

Green is currently taking the company to court in hopes that the issue will be resolved.

“It is ridiculous, if you can’t trust a random person with your money then who can you trust?” said Green. “Needless to say, he’s only getting a 2-star review from me. Despite the charge, he did come really quickly. He also drives a Lexus. Extra star for class, I always say.”

Apple to Release Screenless Macbook That Projects Visuals Directly Into User’s Brain

Posted on February 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Since CEO Tim Cook took on leadership roles at the company, fans of Apple have been underwhelmed by their new releases and updates. Critics constantly point out that little has changed in the smartphone market since the iPhone 4, and the Macbook has remained at the level of “just good.”

“Steve Jobs used to take flawless devices and make them better,” tech blogger, Robert Hobbes wrote. “But since 2011, we’ve been bored with gadgets that offer everything we could have wished for and more – will the next unimaginable novelty ever be released?”

Current Apple CEO, Tim Cook, answered that question today with a resounding yes. Cook was always going to have a hard time following the Jobs era, but his stock hit an embarrassing low after his cringeworthy excitement at the launch of the rather milquetoast Apple Watch. Now, however, he has come up with the next piece of technology to change the world.

“I have created the first screenless laptop!” he announced, the maniacal gleam in his eyes rivalling his predecessors greatest moments. The crowd roared in unison. “The public will never have to stare at a screen again. With the release of the Macbook ThinAir, the way we look at technology – or rather the way we don’t look at technology – will change forever.”

Apple’s website explained exactly how the product will work.

“The most advanced screenless technology to date is here,” it read. “The new Macbook ThinAir – named for the feature that the screen is made entirely of air which has been chemically depleted to be as lightweight as possible – will project the image straight from the processor into the user’s brain. The advantages of this new technology are far reaching. The average citizen will never have to use his or her eyes again. Instead, the Macbook will project visuals of the 360 surroundings of the individual, on which the content of the processor will be overlayed. Sounds and scents will be transmitted in the same way, making three of the five human senses superfluous.”

The Macbook ThinAir looks very much like the current Macbooks, except the screen area is just solid metal. In place of the standard webcam is the sensor that will input images directly into the brain of the user. ThinAir is expected to launch by the end of the year, with a price of $5000. A mouse will be available for purchase for $3000. A constant supply of $500 batteries will also reportedly be needed to retain clear eyesight, hearing and smell. Batteries, like all Apple products, will be aesthetically pleasing, available only from Apple, and will only ever be sold in single packs, with no discounts for bulk quantities.

Stephen King To Revolutionize Book Industry; New Novel To Be Printed Directly Onto Live Horses

Posted on February 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BANGOR, Maine –

Book critics have long been awaiting Stephen King’s next move. The horror master has long been seen as an innovator of unexpected novelties in modern day fiction. In 2000 he began an online serialization, which was the first of its kind. Later that year, he became the first popular author to publish a full-length story entirely in digital format.

With King’s recent announcement that he was working on something “never seen or even considered before,” the literary world has barely been able to contain its excitement. And on Thursday afternoon, the prolific author did not fail to disappoint.

“In just sixty days,” he announced on his website, “I will be releasing my next novel. It is a maudlin story about a young boy who learns to speak to animals, and uncovers a world of terror and madness within their tortured brains. In staying with the theme, the novel will be printed exclusively on live horses. Each copy will span the length of three full grown stallions, and will not be on sale. Readers will be able to buy access to ranches being built around the world specifically for publication of my novels.”

Publishing houses across the globe have hailed King’s revelation as a masterstroke. Thomas Bernstein, spokesperson for King’s longtime publisher Simon & Schuster, discussed with the press how the author came upon this piece of genius, and how it will change the literary world.

“I think everyone in the writing business will agree that the past decade has been hard on the industry,” he explained. “With internet piracy flourishing no matter what measures have been taken against it, revenue has dropped drastically, and an alternative needed to be found. We believe that Stephen has found the solution. No writing implements or digital devices will be allowed onto the ranches, so that unless the reader has a photographic memory, there is no chance he or she can create a copy of King’s works.”

While the response from the public has been mostly positive, Young Adult fiction writer and YouTube vlogger John Green, best known for his book The Fault In Our Stars, has heavily criticized the project.

“We’re in an age where literature is becoming widely available to those who, in the past, could not afford more than one book a year,” he complained on his YouTube channel. “Authors should not be so concerned about the money they make, and rather worry about getting their work out to as many readers as possible.”

As of this writing, John Green’s rant has garnered 14 million views – amounting to around $200,000 in advertising revenue.