Johnson & Johnson Announce New Tylenol With THC To Hit Market In Select Cities

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Johnson & Johnson, the makers behind Tylenol pain reliever, announced today their intentions to begin selling their name-brand product with a THC additive. The company says that along with helping in pain relief, the THC also creates a “mild euphoric effect,” which can help patients in chronic pain.

“We’ve been studying the effects of marijuana, and its active ingredient, THC, for many years,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Hal Williams. “When combined with acetaminophen, the active ingredient of Tylenol, THC will work wonders in helping patients in long-term, chronic pain, to get some relief.”

Williams says that the company will only be marketing the product in places where medical or recreational marijuana has been made legal, but that they hope that, within a few years, they will be able to sell it openly, over-the-counter, everywhere in the United States.

“America has made leaps and bounds in legalizing marijuana and THC, specifically, but we’re not all the way there yet,” said Williams. “Johnson & Johnson definitely supports the efforts of groups looking to legalize, and we openly support the idea that this plant can be used as a medicine to treat many diseases.”

Cell Phone Carriers Secretly Adding Data Overage Charges To Bills

Posted on April 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After a year-long study conducted by the FCC, today it was announced that every single major cell phone carrier in the United States has been secretly adding extra data charges to the bills of customers, in a scheme to make more money that was allegedly concocted by the CEOs of each company.

“All the carriers have been found to be in cahoots,” said FCC spokesman Mario Redding. “They have all conspired to add costs to the bills of their customers. Sometimes, it was only a matter of a few cents. In other cases, it was several dollars, and in rare instances, it was upwards of twenty or thirty dollars in overage charges. We are still investigating the matter.”

Redding says that his job over the last year is to comb through the bills of cell phone customers, as well as the billing practices of the carriers, looking for over charging patterns.

“We expected to see very few instances of gouging, but instead, we saw it on every single bill that we looked at, going back over several years,” said Redding.

The FCC is still investigating the charges, but they did say that a layman would “never notice” the charges on his bill, because they don’t just show up as overages.

“These companies, they’re stupid, but they’re not that stupid,” said Redding. “They have their ways, and we’ve caught on, and notices have been filed. If you think you’re getting ‘free’ data on your carrier’s plan, think again. Nothing is free, nothing is unlimited. There’s always a catch, you just have to find it.”

Glacéau SmartWater Plans To Mine Antarctic Ice Caps For Fresh, Colder Water

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

SmartWater, everyone’s favorite overpriced bottled beverage, say that they now have plans to mine into the melting antarctic ice caps so that they can get water that is more fresh, and always ice cold.

“The ice caps in Antarctica are melting, thanks mostly to global warming,” says Glacéau CEO June Hastings. “Because of this, we are able to get up there, and get some of the coldest, most refreshing water on the face of the planet, and it will become our next level of SmartWater brands.”

The company says that they are “overjoyed” with the effects of global warming, because it has led them to be able to get this water that would otherwise be unattainable.

“Currently, you’re paying $2 or $3 a bottle for our product, and it’s basically filtered tap water,” said Hastings. “With this new colder water, which is more expensive to mine, expect for that price to rise substantially, but for it to be totally worth it.”

Pepsi Announces New Version Of Cola With 50-Times Sugar Content Called Pepsibetes

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

PepsiCo, Inc has announced another new product that they plan to launch later this year, following in the footsteps of their 1893 brand, which uses real kola nut in its processing. Now, the company says they plan to launch a version of their original cola that has 50 times more sugar than their original blend.

“Pepsibetes is going to be, essentially, more sugar than anyone should ever consume in one sitting,” said Pepsi spokesman Rick Harris. “It’s delicious, and totally sweet. We have spent years developing this particular recipe in hopes that people will enjoy a new, amazing drink that will really kickstart your day.”

The caffeine content of the soda is expected to also increase, but Pepsi is reportedly not planning to market the drink as an energy beverage.

“We just want another soda option out there, to give someone who maybe hasn’t had a Pepsi in a while a new reason to buy our soda again,” said Harris. “Be sure to keep your insulin at hand, though, because this soda will turn your blood into paste.”

Company Creates Candles, Perfumes That Smell Like Dirty Sex Organs, Sweat

Posted on April 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Kansas –

A new startup company has begun selling candles that smell like dirty sex organs and sweat, in scents they are labeling as “adult friendly.” The new business, called Dirty Birdie Scents, was started when couple Rick and Sheena Morrison realized how much they loved the smell of their home after a long, dirty sex session.

“Whereas some people have sex, and then need to air out the room or spray it down with colognes, we would have sex, and the stench of sweat, pussy, and ejaculate would fill the air, and we loved it,” said Rick Morrison, 30. “Sheena and I used to have sex in every room in our house just so we could keep it smelling that way all the time. We knew we couldn’t be alone in loving it.”

As it turns out, the couple was right. They began selling their products in 2014, and have since sold over $7.3 million dollars worth of sex-scented candles and perfumes.

“We love that people love the ‘smell of the fuck,’ as we call it,” said Sheena. “It’s a beautiful thing to make love to your partner, or even to some random man or woman you’ve never met, whatever floats your boat. Either way, the smell that is left behind is wonderful, and it’s obvious people agree.”

When they were asked about how they collected and bottled the scents that smelled so much like ‘dirty, raunchy pussy,’ ‘swamp ass,’ and ‘crusty limp dicks,’ the couple would only smile and shake their heads.

“That’s definitely our secret,” said Rick.

McDonald’s Says ‘Secret Menu’ Item McGangBang To Be Added To Official Menu This Summer

Posted on April 5, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

For those in the know, most fast food restaurants have always had a ‘secret menu,’ a place where savvy customers could order crazy items built from other items off the ‘common’ menu. At the top of the list of secret items was McDonald’s McGangBang sandwich, which is the biggest, cheapest, item you can get. The sandwich features a McDouble burger, as well as McChicken, smashed together to form a towering heart attack.

McDonald’s long denied the existence of their secret menu, but in the day of the internet, nothing stays a secret for long. With the McGangBang sandwich becoming public knowledge, and a slew of people beginning to not only order the item, but also post pictures online, McDonald’s has said that they are now going to be putting the item on their official menu.

“We are sad that the internet has ruined our secret menu, but at the same time, we’re happy to offer the McGangBang to all our customers,” said McDonald’s CEO Charles King. “We will be officially releasing the product in August to most locations, and it will still only be $2.00 before tax, the cost it is now when ordered as two separate dollar-menu items.”

Man Sues Sonic Restaurants After Spilling Frozen Drink On Crotch

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Kansas –

Mark Jameson, 38, says that he is suing Sonic Drive-In Restaurants after they gave him a frozen drink with a lid that was not attached properly, causing him to spill the frigid beverage all over his crotch.

“I got shrinkage like you wouldn’t imagine, because the drink was so cold,” said Jameson, a computer technician. “Not only was my junk frostbitten, but I couldn’t get an erection for several days. My girlfriend was extremely dissatisfied.”

Jameson says that he has been frequenting Sonic restaurants for years, and that even though they have always had sub-par food, their drinks are okay.

“This one time I go through, and it ruins my week,” said Jameson. “Clearly there’s some compensation that needs to happen, here. My lawyer says I have a hell of a case.”

USPS Says Stamp Cost To Be Raised To $2.00 Each Starting In August

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US Postal Service says that they can “no longer survive” on the low cost of stamps, and after several increases in their cost of shipping packages, they are finally going to be increasing the cost of their individual stamps. Currently, a first-class stamp for a letter or a card would cost you less than two quarters. Starting in August, though, you’re going to need to get change from a $5.

“On August 3rd, we will officially be raising the price of stamps to $2 per each, with sheets of 25 stamps selling for $50,” said post master Tom Thomas. “We understand that this is an incredible increase in one jump, but the cost of shipping has not gotten cheaper, and we have not had an increase in several years.”

The current cost of a stamp is only .49 cents, but the USPS says that they can’t survive charging so little.

“We’ve tried to last, and only increase the cost of specialty packages, but it’s not working,” said Thomas. “We have to change with the times, and although this was a difficult decision, we feel it is the right one.”

Thomas suggests that people go out now and buy the post office’s “Forever Stamps,” which are still only .49 a piece, and will be good forever, regardless of future price increases.

Habitat For Humanities Funding Cut; Charity To Begin Building Trailers Instead of Houses

Posted on March 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Habitat For Humanities, who have been building houses for needy families for years announced today that their funding has been cut by over 70%, and that donations have slowed to a trickle in the last 6 months.

“We’re not sure if we’re going to be able to continue at this rate, but so far, what we’ve decided is that we cannot let families go without a home,” said Habitat president Joanne Miller. “With that in mind, we’ve come up with a cheap alternative, and we have started building modular trailers for our families in need. They’re smaller, and probably a little trashier, but at least it has four walls and a roof.”

Miller says that she hopes that at some point donations start coming back in, but she’s not hopeful.

“It’s very hard to get people to want to donate money to have a house built for someone,” said Miller. “I mean, in all seriousness, I don’t even have my own house, you know? People don’t see it as a real need, because they’re struggling to pay their rent or mortgage, and here we are asking for money to give someone else a free house. It’s hard.”

So far, since funding was cut, Habitat for Humanities has built 3 new trailers in the Atlanta region, with plans on having at least 2 more done by year’s end.

Man Sues Hooters After Getting Small-Breasted Waitress On Visit

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Kyle Reese, 50, says that he is taking suit against a Hooters location in Miami, Florida, after a recent visit to the restaurant. According to Reese, he was assigned a “tiny-titted” waitress, and was refused service after he requested a girl with a “bigger rack.”

“As the great Chris Rock said, ‘No one goes to Hooters for wings,'” said Reese. “I went there, and I wanted to oogle. I have gone many times, and I always get good looking, stacked chicks. This time, I got some small-titted, timid girl. It’s not my type. I asked to be seated somewhere else, and they said no. Then they refused to serve me at all when I demanded a hotter girl.”

Management in the restaurant say that they had no choice but to ask Reese to leave after he began screaming about “tits and ass” inside the family establishment.

“We are a family-friendly place, and we had many other people eating at the time,” said manager Joel Silver. “This was not the kind of environment we want our other guests to have to deal with, so Mr. Reese was removed from the property.”

Reese is seeking $2 million dollars in damages, claiming that the restaurant falsely advertised their product.