Ice-T Trademarks Name, Sues Snapple and Arizona Over Infringement

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Rapper and actor Ice-T has reportedly trademarked his moniker with the intention of suing major companies who infringe upon the mark with their products. Ice-T, whose real name is Tracy Marrow, says that he has been referring to himself after the tasty summer beverage longer than many companies have been selling the drink.

“Ice-T, Ice Tea, Iced Tea – it doesn’t matter what you call it or how you spell it, the name is the same, and these companies are infringing on my mark,” said the entertainer, who is perhaps best known for his song “Cop Killer” and for playing a police detective on TV on Law and Order: SVU. “I don’t really need the money, but I also don’t want companies shilling a product that I haven’t put my stamp on. Frankly, I don’t like iced tea that much, and I’d rather them call it something else.”

T has reportedly met with lawyers for companies such as Snapple and Arizona in hopes that a settlement can be reached without going to court.

“I don’t want these companies to go out of business or anything, I just want them to change the name of the product to something else, and let me be the only T, or tea, that’s around,” said Ice-T. “I’ve made a few suggestions, such as ‘sugary shit’ and ‘lemony liquid’ that they could go by, either of which I think would easily catch on with people who like to drink that stuff.”

Representatives for Snapple could not be reached for comment.

Gwen Stefani To Give Up Sex In Exchange For Shoes

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

After finding incrementing text messages between Blake Sheldon and his ex, Miranda Lambert, Gwen Stefani says she is done with men. She recently tweeted to fans, “Shoes are so much better than sex.”

She later tweeted that she had gotten a steal on some gold Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers with vibrating soles. Although some say she is just using shoes as a distraction to forget her heartbreak, her shoe fetish may have, in fact, negatively affected her relationship to begin with.

Stefani’s now ex-boyfriend, Shelden, has told Source Magazine that Gwen’s shoe fetish was something that always came between them. “Hey – nothing was going on between me and Miranda, but I may have asked her for some advice. Gwen would demand we have sex in her shoe closet. It was uncomfortable! Or she’d stop riding me to change shoes. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes when she got off. She’d stare at her Busemis. It was tragically bad. I should have know that I’d end up her ex-boyfriend.”

‘Labyrinth’ Reboot To Use CGI Version of David Bowie As Star

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Last week, Tri-Star Pictures announced that they would be working with Jim Henson Co. to create a reboot of the 80s classic film Labyrinth, which starred Jennifer Connelly and the late David Bowie. In the film, Connelly’s character wishes that her baby brother would be taken away by the Goblin King, played by Bowie.

“The original is such a classic staple of many people’s lives,” said Tri-Star CEO Joel Briggs. “We want to recreate that magic again, but without someone as amazing and…regal as David Bowie to play Jarreth the Goblin King, we weren’t sure we wanted to go ahead with our planned reboot.”

Briggs says that after discussing it with the studio’s in-house effects department, they have decided that the best course of action is to re-create Bowie’s original character using CGI special effects.

“No one could pull of playing that part in the way that Bowie did, and at this point, we don’t want to spend years searching for something we know we can’t find,” said Briggs. “We’ve come to an agreement with the Henson company that we will be digitally creating David Bowie as Jarreth for the reboot of the Labyrinth film.”

“I think it’s an amazing idea, because they’re right – no one could play that part like Bowie did,” said Donnie Lewis, a production gaffer who was hired to work on the new film. “I grew up with that film, with those characters, and no one could have the grace or magic that David Bowie had. No one. He was the ultimate superstar.”

Source of Kanye West’s Talent Discovered

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper and producer Kayne West says he did not realize it until recently, but his music did not get “good” until after a car accident that caused him to suffer a mild traumatic brain injury. In 2002, Kayne’s music was still relatively unpopular, when he was cut off in traffic, causing him to crash his rented Lexus into a fence.

Kayne says he thanks God for that night every waking day of his life. “God works in mysterious ways. My jaw was wired shut, which gave me a chance to shut up for a minute and hear what He was trying to tell me; and what He was trying to tell me is that I’m a God among men, and I should show the world how talented I am through new music, no matter how bad or retarded it may sound.”

The effects of the traumatic brain injury can clearly be heard in his subsequent tracks. Former friend Whoo Kid says, “Yeah he sounded a little slow, but people kept kissing his ass anyway, saying how brave he was. Boy got even cockier after that crash man. He still sounds a little slow, but that’s just part of his sound now.”

Woman Takes Testosterone Supplements While Pregnant To Make Baby More ‘Manly’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TORONTO, Canada –

Tragically, Kathy Martin did not know the consequences or seek a doctor’s advice before taking testosterone supplements while pregnant. She says her husband, Dave, encouraged her to take them so their baby boy would be more masculine than their first child.

Their newborn son was delivered 5 weeks premature, suffering from severe birth defects. Androgen supplements are considered a class D drug and should obviously never be used during pregnancy.

“We just didn’t want another little flamer like the last one,” says David, who is facing criminal charges for supplying the supplements to his wife after purchasing them illegally over the internet. “Don’t get me wrong, we love our oldest son, but at four years old you can already see the he is afflicted with the disease of faggotry. He says his favorite color is pink and his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. That’s not the son I wanted, but yeah, we love him. He’s from my loins, unfortunately.”

Kathy says, “As a good Christian woman it is my responsibility to honor and obey my husband without question. He assured me there would be no risks to the baby, and that the mustache I grew would surely fall right off after the baby was born.”

Both parents are being investigated by child protective services as well as local police.

Teens Make Pregnancy Pact Hoping To Get On MTV Series ’16 & Pregnant’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The parents of Marley Simpson, age 16, and Brittany Lott, age 15, have been granted permission by a local court to keep their children under house arrest after the parents found out the girls have made a pact to get pregnant.

Marley’s mother, Kaitlin Simpson, says they wanted to get pregnant at the same time so they could be on MTV’s show 16 and Pregnant. “Marley says I shouldn’t have been snooping and reading her diary, but I am damn glad I did so I could put a stop to this nonsense. I told the girls that 15 minutes of fame is no reason to throw their lives away and bring a child into this world. Of course, you know I would be the one taking care of it anyway.”

Courts have approved the petition of the Simpsons and Lotts to keep their daughters under house arrest, even providing ankle bands so police will be alerted if the teens try to leave the house.

Brittany’s father, Jim, says he has also installed cameras around the house so he can monitor his daughter remotely. “Brittany’s a sneaky girl. I knew keeping her home wasn’t enough. I had signs made with pictures of me and my rifle and I posted them all over the lawn. I imagine that will keep those boy and their little peckers away, but if it don’t, I’ll be watching from inside.”

Waitress Fired For Throwing Coke In Man’s Face; Man Claims He’s Blinded From Assault

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Iowa –

Former Ruby Tuesday waitress Cassandra Stephenson says she should not have been terminated after dumping a glass of Coca-Cola on a patron. Bobby Gagne says he plans to sue the restaurant chain, as he now says he’s lost sight in both eyes from the sugary drink.

Stephenson admits telling other servers Gagne had annoyed her, but says she did not mean to dump the drink onto him. “He asked for a Pepsi, and I said, ‘We have Coke – is that ok?’ He sighed, like it was the biggest inconvenience of his life or something. I hate people like that. I didn’t do it on purpose though. It just slipped!”

Gagne says Stephenson gave him a meaningful look before dumping the coke. “She said ‘Here’s your Coke,’ sort of sarcastically, and I thought, ‘this bitch isn’t getting a tip.’ I wasn’t expecting her to dump it on me though. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people these days. I have been blinded by this woman. I’m suing her, the restaurant, and hell, I may even sue Coca-Cola because of this fiasco! How harsh is this stuff?!”

Doctors say that it would be nearly impossible to be blinded by Coca-Cola, despite its harsh chemicals and use in cleaning auto parts and rust from metal. Lawyers for Stephenson protest that Gagne is a “serial asshole” who has sued more than 200 people or establishments in his lifetime.

Man Assaults Nephew With 12 Point Buck Trophy

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERVILLE, Maine –

Brad Reed learned the hard way not horse around in the house after knocking his uncle, Jacob Reed’s, prize buck head off the wall. Brad and friend Kenny Williams were fighting for a video game controller when Brad knocked Williams into the deer head. Brian says he “didn’t know what to do with it,” so they set it on the couch and fled.

Brad returned alone later, and found his uncle was waiting for him. “I could tell he was drunk the way he was petting the deer and talking to it,” says Brad. “I told him we tried to put it back together but needed superglue.”

Jacob Reed then allegedly threatened his nephew with the detached antler, demanding Brad bend over and take it in the behind. When the boy refused, Jacob beat him with the antler.

Brad’s mother Shirley Reed says they will not press charges. “Well, the boy got what he deserved, but I for one am glad I don’t have to look at that damn deer head anymore. Only supposed to be hanging on our wall till Jacob found a place of his own. Well it’s been three years, and he’s still on our Goddamn couch.”

Woman Crushed To Death While Having Sex With Horse

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Elvis, a spotted saddle horse, has been removed from his owner’s custody after crushing a woman to death. According to husband Rick Brownlee, Mary Brownlee had grown up around horses and this wasn’t her first time, so he was not worried she would be injured.

Rick Brownlee, Steven Hutchinson, and Joseph Hutchinson, who all live in the home where the horse was stabled, were not immediately forthcoming about the manner in which Mary had been killed.

Officer Michael Deschenes says at first they pretended not to know how she had been killed when they were questioned.

“Of course it was suspicious because she had her pants around her ankles. There was a puddle of what appeared to be a large amount of ejaculate. I told them that they were going to fess up or they was all going to jail.”

The men finally confessed, and police seized a video showing Mary Brownlee’s last minutes. On the video the men can be heard cheering, laughing, and breathing heavily while the horse mounted Mary. Investigators say the cracking of her ribs can be isolated on the tape. Because Mary was being crushed she was unable to scream for help.

Joseph Hutchinson says they honestly did not know she was in trouble. “I heard a snap. Just thought it was the fence starting to give. I’m real sorry the horse had to go through this. You can tell he’s awfully traumatized over it.”

According to police, the horse will be placed with another local rancher who has promised that he will not let anyone have sex with it.

Man Arrested After Stealing Money From Step-Daughter’s Piggy Bank

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSBAD, California –

Charlotte Melcher, age 7, called 911 all by herself to report that her stepfather, Drew Ellis, had stolen her money. Ellis admitted to police he had taken ten one dollar bills from the piggy bank to buy beer and cigarettes.

On the 911 call Charlotte says, “That was my money. Mine! I earned it doing chores and from Christmas. I told him not to take it!”

Police in Carlsbad did not take the offense lightly, charging Ellis with petty larceny after he admitted taking the money.

Mother Sierra Melcher says she thinks the arrest was unfounded and says Ellis would have replaced the money when he got paid. “I told Charlotte not to worry about it. I didn’t know she would call 911. Of course I don’t dare to spank her for doing it. Not now that I know she knows how to call the police. Next thing I know I’d be the one getting arrested.”

Ellis could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer, Joe Wickersham, says he is confident the case will be dismissed. The district attorney says that he is pushing for the maximum of 2 years in prison for the crime.