Sesame Street To End After 46 Years, Producers Say ‘Today’s Kids Just Hate Puppets’

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

It’s a sad day for all of those who grew up in any of the last four decades. Long-running childhood favorite, Sesame Street, will soon be no longer. The news of its demise was revealed by insiders at PBS, who explained that today’s kids “just hate puppets”.

“What can we do?” asked PBS CEO Paula Kerger. “Times have changed, and our beloved friends Bert and Ernie are now despised by children across the globe. Kermit, Big Bird, the Cookie Monster – all our beloved characters are no longer desirable. In fact, our research showed that kids would rather watch animated anthropomorphic turds fighting than spend another day looking at puppets flapping their unnaturally flat mouths around.”

Eight-year-old, Jimmy Prober, confirmed their sentiments.

“I fucking hate puppets,” he said on a CNN broadcast. “Their fake fur is gross, and their complexions look sickly. If we wanna see strange colored characters, we’re gonna watch The Simpsons. Come on dude – nothin beats Bart’s catchphrase of ‘Shove it up my ass’, or whatever.”

Kids watching the broadcast from a live studio audience nodded their heads in agreement, some shouting encouragement with phrases such as “Down with the reign of the puppet authority!” and “I’m eating Big Bird for dinner!” being flung around. Many parents were driven to run out of the room crying, as their children denigrated characters with whom they themselves had grown up.

When asked why he thought kids had turned against puppets, current Sesame Street executive producer Super Grover answered, “I cannot say for certain, but perhaps today’s children were collectively molested by puppets. Or maybe they’ve just found something better in iPads, Family Guy, and Playstations.”

“I always knew this day would come,” said Jim Henson, creator of Sesame Street and the Muppets. “Yet I did not think it would happen in my lifetime. In that assumption, I was correct.” Henson died in 1990 of a bacterial infection.

3-Year-Old Boy Runs Into Grandmother’s Burning Apartment Complex, Saves Peppa Pig DVDs

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BUNSONTOWN, Indiana –

Three-Year-Old toddler Kain Harrison of Bunsontown, Indiana is being hailed as a hero after courageously running into a burning Woody Acres apartment complex to wake his 52-year-old grandmother, Sandra Clemens, who was asleep during the blaze.

Witnesses say the boy had been playing outside in the snow, building an igloo with three homeless men, when they noticed smoke pouring from the roof of the building in which he had been staying with his grandmother. Harrison had been staying at the home following his mother’s arrest for possession and intent to distribute heroin inside an elementary school.

Leroy Johnson, 62, one of the homeless men the boy had befriended, said that once everybody saw smoke and flames, they knew it was too late to run inside.

“I been on this here Earth for a long time, longer than I can remember, and I never seen anything like that in my damn life!” Johnson said. “That little Kain, I tell ya that boy is something else, you know like Batman or something. It is not normal. Anyway Lil K-Roo took off running and we just let him go. He ran inside, at this point the flames were flying out the damn windows, so we thought, well he is cooked.”

“Few minutes go by, and then I tell ya, by the grace of the good Lord up in the mountains, here he comes strutting out, an armful of DVDs,” said the other homeless man, Gary Shidder. “For real, he ran in there and got his damned ole Peppa Pig DVDs. That boy is something else, he derserves a Purple Heart or something ya know?” Johnson said as he remained engaged in describing the wild scene.

Police say that Clemens, who was a sound sleeper, was not able to make it out of the apartment, and was killed. The Peppa Pig DVDs were saved, and according to reports, still play fine.

Hollywood Gives Up On Fighting Piracy, Plans To Release All Movies Directly To ThePirateBay

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Hollywood has issued a surprising statement, informing of their intention to stop fighting piracy. Instead, they will embrace the means available, and release new movies directly to ThePirateBay (TPB), and other torrent or peer-to-peer networks. This move was not only unexpected, but un-thought of, according to experts in the industry.

“I can’t believe that everyone agreed to this,” said Bernie Ackerman. “ Seriously, to get people in Hollywood to agree on what to eat for lunch is hard enough.”

Richard Gansit explained some of the implications of the move.

“This drastic decision will impact the income of millions of individuals, as well as bring many big companies to the ground. The only beneficiaries I can think of are those too cheap to spend a few dollars on a movie ticket,” said Gansit. “Free media is the death of industries. Look at the music industry. Ever since tape dubbing became a thing, the sales of albums have dropped year over year. It’s insane.”

Production companies may be the hardest hit, seeing as features which previously would have been produced for the big screen, will now mostly be streaming or downloaded to home devices.

“They’ve ruined us,” said OneProduction’s Robert Milton. “They’ve destroyed our prospects, and in turn, the lives of our families, friends, and anyone unfortunate enough to be associated with us. I guess it’s par for the course with Hollywood executives, anyway.”

Reception from hackers was similarly negative. The general sentiment seems to be one of suspicion, that some money-making plan is behind it all.

“I can’t believe TBP’s agreed to this,” said one loyalist. “I always thought they worked for us, for the common man, but now it comes out that they’re just in it for the money. I don’t know what Hollywood has offered them, but it can’t be enough to justify selling their souls.”

The vast majority of the general public, however, were indifferent, with their stance being that nothing has changed.

“I’ve been downloading movies from piratebay for years now,” said Henry Morris. “I’ll continue doing that as long as there are good quality movies for me to grab. The fact that Hollywood will be releasing films directly to the site seems like a great idea – every movie will be a pristine copy, and I’ll never have to deal with a cam version where I can hear people coughing and talking in the theatre. I download movies to get away from that shit. But, whether it’s criminals uploading or Hollywood uploading, and whether someone else is making money, who cares? I’m still getting it for free, aren’t I?”

Man Fakes His Own Death To Get Away From Nagging Wife

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In a story of resurrection and hope, Herbert Mancini, assumed dead for the past 10 years, has been found alive in New York. He claims to have faked his death in an attempt to escape the incessant nagging of his wife.

“We’re all so glad Herbert is alive,” said family spokesperson, patriarch Richard Mancini. “We knew he had it tough with Martha, but we never realized how bad it was. He put us through heartache and pain, and his two daughters both unsuccessfully attempted suicide after his ‘death’, but we appreciate why he had to do what he did.”

One of the two daughters, Sarah, made a statement from the hospital bed, where she lies, a vegetable.

“…..” she said. “… ….. ..”

Her sister, Roberta, translated her sentiments.

“She says she missed him. She’s very glad to finally have our father back, and wishes he had come back sooner. However, she wants to know why he didn’t just kill off mom, and save us all from her whininess.”

Martha Mancini, the unbearable nag that she is, told reporters that she had been waiting for his return, always having known he wasn’t really dead.

“I went on talking to him as if he was still there,” she explained. “I’d say, ‘Herbert, take the garbage out will ya.’ When he refused, I’d say, ‘Heeeerbeeeeeerrt, take the gaaaaahbage out, will ya.’ The garbage still hasn’t been taken out.”

Mancini himself has explained why he had to go to such great lengths.

“It was either kill her, kill myself, or pretend to be dead,” he told Empire News. “The first option was most appealing, but I don’t think I coulda got away with it. The second option was no good – I’da been dead. So I took the only one left open.”

He then went on to describe how it was to be back with his family.

“That first option’s seeming kinda good again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, you know. I really fucked up in returning. But it was hard living incognito all those years. My next funeral is scheduled for next week. Meantime, I’ll be in the Bahamas.”

Justin Bieber’s Birthday Would Go Unnoticed by You if Not for This Article

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MONTREAL, QUEBEC, Canada –

Justin Bieber’s 21st birthday fell on Sunday the 1st of March, and you would not have known it had you not read this article decrying the cult of celebrity. Why does anyone care about this mediocre singer’s celebrations? we ask, and by doing so have drawn your attention to something about which you neither knew nor cared.

The young troublemaker has been in the spotlight since the tender age of 16 – that’s five years already! – and we constantly question the reason for this, bringing further attention to events and people with no cosmic relevance. You clicked on this article out of interest in something you had not been interested in before, and now you have even more useless trivia to go with your anger at pop culture.

Why are there so many articles about Selena Gomez not being invited to Bieber’s birthday party? This question is especially good if we are aiming to give you gossip about this matter we claim to despise. This was an obvious snub to the star’s ex-girlfriend and is great for our SEO content.

Has the world gone too far in worshiping the likes of Bieber, Gomez, Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift? Are you thinking about those four artist now? Good. Because Miley Cyrus especially is one that you shouldn’t be thinking about. Her rumored affair with Nicki Minaj sets a bad example for children, who know about it because we decided to share it.

What about Taylor Swift? The epitome of sweet, harmless pop stars is apparently into S&M, which is bad for her image and that of young girls around the world, particularly because we bring it up in this chock-full article.

In short, the cult of celebrity is getting out of hand. In this 300+ word article we have spoken about four individuals whose lives should mean nothing to us, and have made you think about their sometimes despicable actions, which should mean nothing to you. Shame on our society for following this modern day religion. Think about it, and remember to check in for our future updates.

Small, Gated Texas Community To End ‘Pizza Delivery Neutrality’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Basil LeVermin

HOUSTON, Texas –

The neighborhood of Comcast Trails near Houston, Texas has announced the adoption of an unusual new revenue scheme. They are calling it the Express Pizza Service, and it has some residents at odds as to whether it is good for anyone who lives there.

Empire News spoke to local man Dan Howard, who explained how the small community plans to make money using dedicated gates and lanes for each local pizza eatery.

“Before we began this process, I could order a pizza from Papa Johns, Domino’s, Double Dave’s, or any other small pizza delivery place, and they would all get there around the same time, because they use the same roads, same entrance to the neighborhood, and the same traffic lights,” Howard explained. “This concept is commonly referred to as ‘pizza delivery neutrality.’ However, my neighborhood wanted to become a gated community, so we requested bids from all the local pizza restaurants, and have reached a deal with Papa John’s to allow their drivers exclusive access to a special, new, faster entrance to the neighborhood. Domino’s drivers will have to pass through a different gate, slowing them slightly, but still allowing faster pizza delivery speeds than Double Dave’s, or any of the other local places, who will have to park their car outside of the neighborhood and carry the pizza into Comcast Trails community on foot.”

“We are very thrilled to be able to use the express lane to deliver to Comcast Trails community,” said Papa John’s spokesman Arnold Jones. “The folks in Comcast Trails are some of the fattest people in the country, and they eat more pizza per-household than anywhere else in the United States. Being able to get to them faster means they’re more likely to order from us than any other local establishment.”

Double Dave’s and other mom-and-pop pizza restaurants say it’s “completely unfair” that they are forced to walk into Comcast Trails when others get to use the fast lane.

“We can’t afford to pay the kind of money that Domino’s or Papa John’s can pay, leaving us in the dust,” said Double Dave’s spokesman Charles DeMar. “Basically, when someone orders from us in Comcast Trails, we’re going to have to really haul ass to make it to their house. It’s about a quarter of a mile from the gate to the closest house, so we’re expecting to be hiring a lot of very fit, young athletes to be delivery drivers from here on out.”

At press time, UPS and Federal Express were also engaged in a bidding war over exclusive access to the newly-proposed Express Delivery gates.

Iran’s Supreme Leader Not a Fan of ‘American Sniper’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TEHRAN, Iran –

Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, has spoken out against critically acclaimed film, American Sniper, saying that he is “not a fan.” The screenplay, which portrays a real-life US soldier who killed 160 ‘enemies’, struck a nerve with the spiritual head of the Islamic country.

“The dialogue is poorly written, and some of the secondary cast is very poorly chosen,” Khamenei told TMZ. “In addition, the soundtrack does not do the visuals justice.”

Some have criticized the film for portraying Islamic people as ‘uncivilised’ and the conflict as ‘simplistic’, but the supreme leader’s criticisms have gone far beyond what he calls “possible thematic inaccuracies”, sparking a feud with director and producer, Clint Eastwood. “What bothers me most is the way the camera angles make the action look contrived, bastardized to resemble any other Hollywood action movie,” he added.

Eastwood, who reminded us that he is the man responsible for the highest-grossing war film in history, hit back at Khamenei’s comments, saying, “Who is he to judge? I’ve seen his work. [1991 Iranian drama] Mother totally sucked – yes, it wasn’t Hollywood-ised, and it was gritty and moving, but it hardly had a budget, and some of the actors were clearly amateur and didn’t even speak English!”

After half an hour of Googling the Ayatollah’s filmography, we managed to track down the movie in question, and found it to be attributed to Iranian director Ali Hatami, and not Khamenei, to whom Eastwood inaccurately credited it.

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, publicly disagreed with the supreme leader, simply saying, “Eastwood is legendary. Don’t f*** with him.”

8 Things You Already Know About Next Year’s Oscar Host

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California –

This year’s Oscars may have come and gone, but already the Academy is preparing for their next major showcase. And while you have heard trivia about 2015 host, Neil Patrick Harris, there are also things you may already know about next year’s host. Here are our top eight:

It won’t be Neil Patrick Harris. The Oscars have never had the same host two years in a row, so chances are slim that NPH will get a second go at presenting the show he so badly butchered.
It won’t be NPH’s husband, David Burtka. David Burtka is not famous enough to host the Oscars, and we can be pretty sure he won’t be in the limelight in February 2016.
S/he is not married to David Burtka. David Burtka’s husband is NPH, and NPH is not the 2016 Oscars host. The 2016 host is therefore not currently married to Burtka.
S/he did not play the iconic character of Barney Stinson in sitcom How I Met Your Mother. After finding out that Neil Patrick Harris played that character throughout all eight seasons, we now know that next year’s Oscars host did not.
S/he is not known for the catchphrase “Legen-wait-for-it-dary”. That was Barney Stinson’s catchphrase, and NPH played that role.
His/her first major role was not as child doctor Doogie Howser, M. D. That plaudit goes to NPH, and not next year’s Oscars host.
His/her parents are not Sheila and Ronald Gene Harris. Those are NPH’s parents, and he does not have famous siblings.
S/he will not be the worst presenter in the history of the Academy Awards. That title will likely belong to NPH for the foreseeable future.

These are the most significant attributes that you need to know about the host of next year’s Oscars. Are there any we left out? Leave your suggestions in the comments below.

Michael Keaton Only Now Realizing That ‘Birdman’ is Based on his Own Life

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Birdman star Michael Keaton is only now realizing that his character, for which he was nominated for an Oscar, was in part based on his own life. Keaton plays Riggan Thomson, an actor best-known for his once iconic role as the lead man in the Birdman franchise. Since then, however, Thomson’s career has faulted, and he is portrayed in the 2014 film as attempting to recapture his former fame by acting, directing, and producing a major theater production.

The acclaimed box-office hit loosely mirrors Keaton’s own career, having peaked in the 80’s and 90’s when he played the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman, in Batman and Batman Returns. His later roles were in films of various levels of success which never came close to reaching the stardom he gained from playing of the reclusive superhero.

“I realized that Birdman sounds sorta like Batman,” Keaton said. “But I didn’t put two and two together. I thought it was just a coincidence – that [director] Alejandro [González Iñárritu] had contacted me because he was a fan of my work and adaptability. I should have known, I guess, that roles in Cars and Robocop weren’t enough to bring my career back to the heights it once reached.”

Iñárritu, for his part, told reporters that he hadn’t considered the need to tell Keaton about the connection, and had assumed he had caught on when he agreed to take the meta acting part.

“Why else would I have called Michael Keaton?” he said, somewhat bemused. “It’s not like he’s been at the top of everyone’s minds for the past 20 odd years. When he expressed doubt over whether he could realistically play the role of a former iconic superhero, I assumed he was messing around. I said to him, ‘I see. This part doesn’t reflect your own life in any way at all.’ We laughed, but obviously he only pretended to get the joke.”

Keaton is reportedly preparing to go through the same existential crisis that character Riggan Thomson faces throughout the entire film.

‘50 Shades’ Actor Jamie Dornan Cast in Exciting New Film Role

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

Following the Box Office success of recent release, Fifty Shades of Grey, leading man Jamie Dornan has been cast in what he is calling an ‘exciting new role’. The Irish actor has gained prominence from his portrayal of Christian Grey, and he attributes the success for his casting in his next challenge, a film that has been tentatively titled Fifty Shades Freed.

“Personally, I’m really proud,” Dornan said in an interview with celebrity gossip magazine, Heat. “Getting to play Christian Grey was a dream come true, and it was exhilarating and sometimes frightening to have to widen my range of acting abilities. This new role should be even more thrilling.”

The character he will be playing is not yet finalized, but Dornan believes it to be that of a “domineering, sexually driven man. He is a wealthy entrepreneur, who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.”

These characteristics will bring out the best of Dornan’s skills.

“I think I can do it; I think I can be that man. Usually I’m quite reserved, and I have too much respect for women to try and dominate, but with a bit of effort I can put myself in his shoes. Fifty Shades of Grey was a challenge in a very different way, but it’s given me the belief and confidence to get out there and take chances with my parts, to audition for movies I never would have in the past.”

For this new role, however, Jamie says he did not have to audition.

“Sam [Taylor-Johnson, director of Fifty Shades of Grey] called me and simply told me to come in for rehearsals and have a look at the script. He didn’t ask or anything, just assumed that I was willing and capable to take on such a tough role. His confidence in me is really touching.”

Heat has since found out that Dornan’s costar in Fifty Shades of Grey, Dakota Johnson, will also be appearing in this exciting new project.