Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

Posted on February 10, 2015 by JP

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

Parents and students at St. Petersburg high school are in shock and tears today after the news of the death of 16-year-old Katy Campbell. Campbell, a junior at St. Petersburg, died while attending a school dance, and the county coroner is claiming her death could have easily been avoided.

According to Dr. Joe Goldsmith of the St. Petersburg Medical Examiner’s Office, Campbell’s stomach imploded, and she died during the high school Winter Wonderland Dance.

“Katy died due to a large amount of built-up methane gas in her stomach,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, we believe she was holding in a bad case of stinky flatulence, this causing her stomach and bowels to rupture. If she had just broken that wind, she would still be here today.”

Police investigators are ruling the death accidental, and say no foul-play is suspected. “Basically, Katy Campbell had the biggest date of her life, and apparently her parents, who are vegans, forced her to eat a giant plate of beans, kale, and spinach before she was picked up,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the St. Petersburg Police Department. “She tried desperately to hold in her gas so she would not be laughed at by her hunky jock date. Sadly, it ended her life. The parents have been through enough, so we will not be charging them as accessories, despite forcing the horrible meal onto poor Katy.”

“I wish she had just run off into the bathroom, or a dark corner somewhere, and just let that fart go,” said Katy’s date, Bob Eakafe. “I mean hell – I farted a couple times while we were dancing. Don’t think anyone noticed. Poor Katy, she probably thought she did it. It’s depressing really, because now I have no one to take to the spring dance next month.”

In lieu of flowers, Katy’s parents request donations be made to your local natural gas company.

Susan Boyle To Appear Nude In Playboy Magazine

Posted on February 10, 2015 by davittslat

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

March’s issue of Playboy will feature a celebrity like none before. Susan Boyle, the former Britain’s Got Talent megastar, will appear au natural as Playboy’s monthly centerfold. At 54, Boyle will be the second oldest woman to bare all for a Playboy pictorial. Boyle’s publicist, Jacque McMaster, has confirmed the news.

“Susan is a very determined woman,” stated McMaster. “She’s extremely proud of her body. She’s been known to flaunt it at the beach too. She’s not afraid to go topless either. To be honest she’s kind of pissed off she wasn’t asked to pose for the magazine earlier. Not many people know this, but she took photos when she was in college.”

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner pushed for Boyle to appear, as he believes the ‘curiosity factor’ alone will boost sales of the magazine.

“Susan represents the ‘every woman.’ I love her story of perseverance. I’m proud she said yes,” said Hefner. “Crystal [Harris] is always listening to ‘I Dreamed A Dream.’ I get teary just listening to that record.”

Boyle is expected to have a concert at the Playboy mansion celebrating the release of her issue, and a new album as well. Reportedly, Boyle will be doing the second half of her set naked.

“Everyone will get to see Susan as beautiful externally as she is internally. She’s excited, but she’s not going crazy with crash diets or exercise,” elaborated McMaster. “Susan wants to be accepted for who she is now and she’s excited to prove people wrong about her physique, just like her voice. Get ready for the most downloaded woman in the history of the Internet. You watch. She’s going prove the haters wrong.”

Edward Norton Overdoses On Heroin While Researching A Film Role

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Famous Hollywood actor Edward Norton was hospitalized this morning after reportedly overdosing on heroin. Norton claims he is researching a role in an upcoming film in which he plays an heroin addict.

“When I take on a role, I take it all the way,” said Norton. “For Fight Club I learned to fight; I even went to bars and picked fights with guys just to get experience. For American History X, I bulked up and joined a skinhead group all in the name of research. Now that I’m going to play an heroin addict, it should come as no surprise to people that I started using heroin, only for research of course. I didn’t mean to overdose, but I guess thats part of the learning curve of being an addict. I’ve got to say, heroin is really, really good. I guess that’s how I ended up using too much, in the name of research. I want to thank all my fans for their well wishes and I’ll be alright once I get out of the hospital, so I can continue to research my role some more.”

“I have no idea what he is talking about,” said Norton’s agent, Saul Ruben. ”If there was a movie deal I would know about it. I certainly didn’t get him the deal. I find it a little odd that he’s researching something that no one has heard of. I’ll tell you though – he’s as method as they come. Seriously. For Death To Smoochy, he used to really wear his purple suit around, months at a time, and would only talk to children. He also beat the shit out of Robin Williams on a regular basis, just to keep them hating each other. He’s an extreme actor.”

“His career was in the toilet until Birdman came out last year, and now he’s on the fast track to win an Oscar. I was hoping he was making a comeback,” said movie critic Carmine Classi. ”Maybe he’s on to something, though. Next time my wife catches me cheating, I’ll tell her I’m researching infidelity.”

You Won’t Believe the Reactions to Ellen DeGeneres’s Latest TV Prank

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Ellen DeGeneres has not shied from edgy pranks in the past. From fake failed proposals, to her and Justin Bieber scaring people in bathrooms, her practical jokes have become the gold standard of celebrity misbehavior.

Her latest stunt involved showing up on unsuspecting people’s doorsteps and, after they recovered from the excitement of the celebrity’s appearance, solemnly informing them that a loved one has been killed and eaten by Bob, an escaped gorilla.

The responses to this prank may be the best yet. Unfortunately, she has been prevented by the sulky victims from showing their reactions on her show. Here are some of the best, described by the lovable star.

“The first one was quite a hoot. It was a twenty five year old newlywed. When I told her her husband was dead, she literally collapsed. It took ten minutes to revive her, and then when I revealed that it was a hoax, she fainted again!”

DeGeneres says that normally she is more for the “light-hearted” types of pranks, but she thought that no one would really fall for the joke when she said they’d been eaten by a gorilla.

“The next could not have been scripted. I told this thirty-something male that his wife and baby daughter had been eaten by Bob, he burst into tears and ran to the kitchen. I chased after him with my film crew, just in time to catch him sticking a kitchen knife into his stomach. Wow, he almost bled to death, but he was such a sweetie that he had no idea how to murderously use a knife.”

A production assistant on the show, who was on-location as Ellen performed her pranks, says that they had so much fun filming, they nearly stretched the bit to fill an entire hour-long episode.

“One of my favorites was the old lady who thought she’d lost her entire extended family,” said Mary Clarke, production assistant. “Poor woman was in a retirement village, and when Ellen told her the news, she was so distraught that she actually gouged her eyes out. I’ve never seen anything like it. To add to the fun, when I told her the truth, she threw her eyeballs at me. Oh my God, what a day!”

DeGeneres says that she will be paying for all medical bills for the people who appeared in her prank, as well as giving them all paid vacations to anywhere in the world. “I just want to be the next Oprah,” said DeGeneres. “You get a hospital bill, and you get a hospital bill, and you get a hospital bill!”

Gym Bags Filled With Cash Hidden In Chicago, Residents On City-Wide Scavenger Hunt

Posted on February 9, 2015 by katy_rev

CHICAGO, Illinois –

In the past week, residents of Chicago have found a total of 3 gym bags filled with money. The bags were placed in different spots around the city, and so far residents, as well as local officials, are at a loss for where the money is coming from.

The first bag, found by Charles Gordon, 28, contained over $35,000. It was simply left under a bench on a bus stop.

“Craziest thing that ever happened to me,” said Gordon, a fitness instructor. “Thing of it was, I never would have found it if my car hadn’t broken down that day. There I was, cursing my crappy life, and I find a bag with enough money to be a new car. Heck, two new cars if I wanted!”

The second bag, found hanging in a tree in a downtown-area park, contained over $80,000. The third, which contained an astounding $200,000 was found on a school playground.

“The bag was on the top of a slide, but the ladder was removed,” said the lucky finder, who wished to remain anonymous. “I saw the bag sitting up there when I was, uh, well. You know, I don’t really have a good explanation for why I was at an elementary school in the middle of the day. But screw you, I don’t need an explanation, now. I’m rich! It did take me almost an hour to climb up the slide from the wrong side, though. Damn, those things are slippery.”

Inside each bag is a short, hand-written note. All three have had the same message: ‘There will be more. Look for it. Be ready.’

Residents of Chicago are now on a wild scavenger hunt. People are running on the streets with shovels, ladders, and binoculars. Sadly, many area also carrying knifes, baseball bats, lead pipes, and other weapons. Some incidents of violence have already occurred, including yesterday when two men and a woman got into a fight after they all noticed a bag in front of a supermarket. It turned out the bag belonged to a tourist who wanted to buy beers in the shop and left his luggage outside. All 3 were taken to local hospitals and treated for minor injuries, and later arrested for assault.

Now, it also seems that fake bags are being placed around the city as gags. “I found a gym bag yesterday and I was so happy, but then I opened it and found a little, creepy clown toy inside of it, not money,” says Sara Moore, a resident of Chicago. “It seems that someone is trying to trick us. I just wanted some money, damnit!” Other residents have reported that they have found bags containing monopoly money, discarded porno magazines, used underwear, and human hair.

Authorities are asking residents to remain reasonable when seeking out these large sums of cash, and to please take care of each other’s safety.

Jennifer Aniston To Retire From Acting After Oscar Snub, Plans To Become Waitress In Coffee Shop

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

After being snubbed for an Oscar nomination for her acclaimed appearance in indie film Cake, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly made the shocking decision to retire from acting. The former Friends star was slated for the award after her performance received terrific reviews, and nominations from every other major voting body in Hollywood.

“I’ve worked hard to finally achieve success as a serious actor,” the distraught 45-year-old said in a statement to the public. “Now that my strongest showing has been disregarded along with the rest of the dross, I no longer have the motivation.”

When asked what she planned on doing with her time, she revealed that she already had a job lined up as a waitress in a New York coffee shop.

“I have a bunch of quirky pals who already hang out there,” she said, with a hint of nostalgia in her voice. “They’re also unsuccessful actors – well, except for a stint in the 90s – but their lives are a mix of fun, jokes, and comedic confusion. That’s exactly where I envision myself finding happiness.”

The Society for Patrons of the Plat (SPoP), the self-appointed organization for the protection of waiter rights, have raised their ire at Aniston’s assumption that she can adequately fulfill the difficult post of a waitress.

“These pompous rich folk think that anyone could be a waitron,” said SPoP spokesperson, Jeremy Hendler, insisting pretentiously on using the politically correct, gender neutral term. “Well Jen is in for an unpleasant surprise. Her pretty little ass will struggle with the tedious work in a coffee shop. And if she thinks she can sit around and speak to her friends all day, she’s not gonna like the consequences.”

The manager of the coffee shop, known simply as Gunther, has however stood up for Aniston, saying that he knows her to be a hard worker.

“She’s been hanging around here for a while,” said the light-blond sad sack. “I can tell that she has all the qualities it takes to succeed in the industry. Customers will love her, even if she is a clumsy, emotional mess with a set of weirdly elitist friends at her beck and call.”

Late this morning, Aniston tweeted a defense of her capabilities in the service industry, stating, “I spent years serving the public with little appreciation. I can deal with shitty customers who are probably just extras failing at being actors anyway.”

Michael Jackson’s Daughter Paris, 16, Confirms Pregnancy

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

After much speculation, Michael Jackson’s 16 year old daughter, Paris, has confirmed that she is pregnant. The announcement comes in the wake of sightings of the teenage Jackson with a burgeoning belly, and recently raising a glass of water instead of wine during a dinner toast.

The child of the deceased singer stated that she had nothing to hide, and that teenage pregnancy is fine, as long as the parents are in love.

Regarding the father, Jackson made the shock announcement that Dr. Conrad Murray is the man who impregnated her. Murray was recently released from prison after 2 years for involuntary manslaughter in relation to the King of Pop’s death.

“I never knew Con while dad was alive,” said Paris. “While he was in prison, I went to speak to him, to find answers. It didn’t start out well. His first words to me were, ‘Hello Parise,” mispronouncing my name in a creepy tone of voice. After a while, he started to fascinate me. I saw the human being inside him.”

Prison authorities are now under pressure to explain how the underage Paris was permitted to sleep with the convict. Harold Pearson gave a press conference contradicting her admissions.

“Paris never entered the prison, let alone slept with the convict. Her words are the obvious delusions of a diseased mind. Such negligence would not occur in such a tightly run establishment. Besides, I’m a big fan of the King’s career. I treated Murray like shit while he was here.”

Despite Conrad Murray denying the accusation, Paris is sticking to her story.

“Of course he denies it. It’s statutory rape. But it happened, and I won’t be silent, as it’s a testament to how such good can come from a bad situation.”

Murray’s lawyer told sources that the doctor will be releasing a cover of the Michael Jackson hit, Billie Jean, replacing the titular character with the Paris’s name.

“He is the one,” Paris responded. “The kid, who I will be naming Comforter, is definitely his son.”

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

Posted on February 8, 2015 by JP

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana –

Thomas May, age 46, died early Friday morning in his Baton Rouge home. May’s death was caused by his dog, in a brutal attack that neighbors are saying they aren’t at all surprised to finally see happen.

“He would leave his dog out for hours upon hours, and personally I have never seen him feed the dog or pick up any of his droppings,” said Claire Devin, who has lived next to May for 5 years. “He has had the dog for as long as I have lived here, and I did call animal control on him several times. It appears my calls never worked because I never witnessed anyone come check his home for animal cruelty. Tom was a lonely man, he never had company, and the only time I would see him was when he would came out of his home to grab his paper, always just in his underwear.”

Police found May brutally attacked in his living room, with his pants around his ankles and peanut butter covering his groin. It appears from a DNA sample that the dog was licking the peanut butter off of May before attacking his neck and killing him.

Normally, under state law, a dog that attacks has to be put down, but a judge made an exception in the case of May’s dog, who was named Taco.

“He was going to be put down, but a local family heard the story and decided to adopt the dog. I have decided to spare the dog’s life, as it is clear he was under heavy strain and probably abuse, and that is why he attacked Thomas May,” said Judge Joe Goldsmith. “The family says that they have already bonded with Taco, and that the Chihuahua has become fast friends with their children, and their other pets.”

NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams Claims He Shot Osama Bin Laden

Posted on February 8, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

News reporter Brian Williams, who was recently caught in allegedly lying or embellishing news reports of things he saw on assignment – including those about being shot down in a helicopter during the invasion of Iraq – has made another shocking claim. After what critics have called a ‘lame apology,’ Williams is now saying that while on assignment in 2011 in Pakistan, that he is the one that fired the bullet that killed Osama Bin Laden.

“I was on assignment with the SEALS when we got the green light to take down Bin Laden,” said Williams. “Flying over Pakistan towards the compound, the SEALS were nervous, luckily they all looked up to me, so I just smiled at them and said ‘this is what we train for, boys!’ After landing in the compound, I was the first man through the door, I shot one of Bin Laden’s guards and one of his wives, then I let SEAL Team Six finish the sweep of the first floor.”

Williams claims that he was left alone to check the rest of the building, but that he was happy to do it, because it meant that the SEAL team didn’t have to face would could have been certain death.

“Heading up the stairs, I could see the fear in the eyes of the SEAL team, so I said ‘don’t worry boys, I got this this,’ and headed up alone. When I got to Bin Laden’s room, I kicked in the door and found him hiding in the corner. I just leveled my gun and said, ‘this is for the NBC Nightly News BITCH!’ and put a round between his eyes. I couldn’t have done it without SEAL Team Six, but I feel relieved to finally get it off my chest. It’s just like when I won the medal of honor in Vietnam. Or maybe it was in Korea. Actually, I think it was both. Yeah, it was both. This was just as exciting as that.”

Most viewers say that they feel sorry for Williams, and that he may have some sort of disorder that forces him to lie uncontrollably.

“Personally, I think Brian has a problem, in that he needs to feel important,” said psychologist Mark Cartman, who does not treat Williams. ”I think with years of therapy and some heavy doses of medication, he can get that whole, you know, embellishing problem fixed.”

“What’s next, is he going to tell us he’s Santa Claus?” asked NBC Nightly News buff Carmine Classi. ”Get this meathead off the air, he obviously has no credibility. I’d rather watch the reanimated corpse of Walter Cronkite report the news. That man had class!”

Stephen King To Revolutionize Book Industry; New Novel To Be Printed Directly Onto Live Horses

Posted on February 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BANGOR, Maine –

Book critics have long been awaiting Stephen King’s next move. The horror master has long been seen as an innovator of unexpected novelties in modern day fiction. In 2000 he began an online serialization, which was the first of its kind. Later that year, he became the first popular author to publish a full-length story entirely in digital format.

With King’s recent announcement that he was working on something “never seen or even considered before,” the literary world has barely been able to contain its excitement. And on Thursday afternoon, the prolific author did not fail to disappoint.

“In just sixty days,” he announced on his website, “I will be releasing my next novel. It is a maudlin story about a young boy who learns to speak to animals, and uncovers a world of terror and madness within their tortured brains. In staying with the theme, the novel will be printed exclusively on live horses. Each copy will span the length of three full grown stallions, and will not be on sale. Readers will be able to buy access to ranches being built around the world specifically for publication of my novels.”

Publishing houses across the globe have hailed King’s revelation as a masterstroke. Thomas Bernstein, spokesperson for King’s longtime publisher Simon & Schuster, discussed with the press how the author came upon this piece of genius, and how it will change the literary world.

“I think everyone in the writing business will agree that the past decade has been hard on the industry,” he explained. “With internet piracy flourishing no matter what measures have been taken against it, revenue has dropped drastically, and an alternative needed to be found. We believe that Stephen has found the solution. No writing implements or digital devices will be allowed onto the ranches, so that unless the reader has a photographic memory, there is no chance he or she can create a copy of King’s works.”

While the response from the public has been mostly positive, Young Adult fiction writer and YouTube vlogger John Green, best known for his book The Fault In Our Stars, has heavily criticized the project.

“We’re in an age where literature is becoming widely available to those who, in the past, could not afford more than one book a year,” he complained on his YouTube channel. “Authors should not be so concerned about the money they make, and rather worry about getting their work out to as many readers as possible.”

As of this writing, John Green’s rant has garnered 14 million views – amounting to around $200,000 in advertising revenue.