Beyonce Releases Surprise Album of Herself, Jay-Z Singing Lullabies to Blue Ivy

Posted on February 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Fans of Beyonce were over the moon when, in December 2013, she released her surprise self-titled album. It went on to garner critical acclaim, with singles like “Drunk In Love” and “Flawless” considered among her best.

Early this morning, in collaboration with husband Sean “Jay-Z” Carter, Queen B suddenly dropped her latest release, “Bedtime With Blue.” It’s an experimental album that’s set to turn the music world on its head.

“Each track consists of a lullaby sung by me or Sean to Blue Ivy,” Beyonce explained. “After every song there is a few seconds recorded of Blue’s sounds and words.”

The implications of this is that Blue Ivy is credited on every composition. Already in 2012, the then 2-day-old’s cries were featured on Jay-Z’s hit, Glory, making her the youngest person ever to appear on a Billboard chart. Critics suggest that the popstar couple are attempting with this album to shoot their daughter to early stardom, accusations which Beyonce’s publicity team have swiftly denied.

“I think everyone can hear from the first single that this is far more than a publicity stunt,” said agent Zoe Jensen. “The family’s performance of “Rockabye Baby” [the first single released from the album] is revolutionary. To take a classic like that, sung by the best voice of our generation, with a rap by Jay-Z about himself, splitting the third verse and final chorus, is something that’s never been done. It will bring back childhood memories, giving you a glimpse of the success of the beloved couple in the process.”

The pair, who have for years kept their relationship and their daughter from the public eye, released a joint statement explaining their shift.

“We owe it to our fans to hear what goes on in our house at night,” they said, “if only for the reason that it’s something no one else will ever be able to replicate. We get to experience the joy of our voices combining in serenading the most important being in our lives, but the proletariat has always had to settle for their own toneless rendition of uninteresting tunes. Now, not only do they get to enjoy our talents, but their children get to grow up knowing what they can aspire to, always aware that it’s beyond their reach.”

NBC Launches Remake Of Popular Sitcom ‘Friends’ Aimed At African-Americans, Show To Be Titled ‘My Niggas’

Posted on February 6, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NBC has announced today that they will be doing an ‘altered remake’ of one of their most popular sitcoms to date. The new show will be loosely based off their hit show Friends, and is tentatively titled My Niggas.

The show will include a cast made up entirely of African-Americans, and will have the same structure as the original Friends sitcom but with what executives are calling “a little more edge.”

“The show will also still be based in New York, but no one wants to watch upper-middle class white douchebags anymore,” said NBC spokesman Dennis Belding. “This show will take place in the ghetto, a much harsher area. What we want to do is bring ‘,’humor out of the hood and show the American people that no matter what color skin you have, we all have our friends, or in this case, you got your niggas.”

Casting is currently under production, and while they report the show’s main stars will be African-Americans, they will have a feature white character appear on the show down the line, if the show is a success.

“Just like Jim Carey kicking some ass on In Living Color back in the day, you know?” said Belding. “This isn’t about cutting out one race or another, it’s about setting a comedy in a place where there normally isn’t very much laughter. There also aren’t too many white people there, either. We’ve updated everything to be more ‘black.’ So no more coffee shop, now the hangout is the check-cashing place on the corner. And the apartments aren’t going to be bright and nice, either. This is a sitcom based on the ‘real ‘hood,’ for sure.”

The creator of the original Friends sitcom is excited to bring back the essence of a classic NBC, show while also bringing new life to a major company. “I can tell you right now, My Niggas is going to be the hottest show on TV this fall. You wait and see,” said David Swan. “Oh, and don’t worry about the name. It’s cool, because it’s Niggas, and not, well, you know. That other version.”

Casting continues on the show until the end of February, and the show begins filming in April. Producers have already said that after the show takes off, President Obama is more than welcome to join the show as a recurring cast member once his presidency ends next year.

Man Sues Government For Right To Marry Dolphin

Posted on February 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Malcolm Brenner, the controversial subject of a documentary detailing his year-long love affair with a dolphin in the 70s, inspired a SeaWorld trainer to sue the government for the right to marry his new mistress, Sally. Carl Sanders, a SeaWorld trainer for over 20 years, says that Sally is a perfect specimen of Dolphin, the majestic sea creature considered to be the third most intelligent species in the world.

“Sally is obviously not her real name,” said Sanders in a press conference earlier this morning. “She is known in the dolphin world as Eeeeeee eee eeee ee. Sally is what her human captors called her, as if she wasn’t important enough to dignify learning the correct pronunciation and intonation.”

Reporters asked him why he had a preference for dolphins, what was so special about Sally, and if he thought he could win this thing.

“Firstly, dolphins have a really tight and wet orifice,” he responded. “That’s usually perk number one to any good relationship. Secondly, they’re smart and witty, are always smiling, and can sing me to sleep. Secondly, Eeeeeeeeee eee eeee ee just has a personality that fits with mine, and she’s the most attractive specimen I’ve met. I know that all dolphins look the same to you bigots, but I for one can tell the difference.”

Naturally, reporters began circling the question that was on everyone’s mind – whether or not Sanders thought he could win in court, and marry “Sally.”

“Do I think I can win? Stranger things have happened. Why should two lovers not be allowed to wed? Marriage inequality is a throwback to the undemocratic days of America – which already ended over a decade ago.”

Professional homophobe, Rush Limbaugh, gave a long diatribe against Sanders on his radio side-project.

“I knew this would happen!” he shouted. “When they gave the homosexuals the right to marry, I knew it was only a matter of time till they allowed bestiality. Those liberals think they can have sex with anything that has a hole. Soon they’ll be raping water-pipes!”

Probable Democrat Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, was overheard saying to Vice-President Joe Biden, “I sort of want it to happen, just so we get to see what their kids look like.”

7-Year-Old Boy, 8-Year-Old Girl On Bank Robbery Spree Across Midwest

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

OMAHA, Nebraska –

While some may have thought that outlaw bank robberies were a terror that only our great-grandparents had to deal with, one duo has proven it is anything but.

Robert Middleton and Stacey Antworth are not your run-of-the-mill bank robbers for many reasons. The main reason being that the two have combined for a total of 15 years on the Earth. Middleton turned eight in January, according to his mother. Antworth is seven, and will be eight in April.

The two have committed 16 bank robberies as they cross the country, and the reason for their success is simple: “They’re too cute to say no to,” says bank teller Rebecca Oliver. “When they come through the door in their oversized suit and dress, and they try to sound tough and point finger-guns at you… you kind of just have to turn the money over.”

Ohio bank manager, Lauren Whittle, stated that she did apprehend them at one point, but only to give them the biggest hug in the whole wide world. “I just wanted to love them forever,” she said. “The rules clearly state that when someone comes in and demands money, our job is to give them the money. The problem is that due to all the gushing over how cute they are, we all forgot to alert the police until it was too late.”

Both children were reported missing in Pennsylvania by their respective parents in September. Detectives assigned to the case had originally believed the parents had been involved. However, it now appears the two children have made their route via hitchhiking. The two have since been seen in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa. As to how they got there, officials stated the two were catching rides with friendly truckers.

“I don’t know who could say no to those faces,” said Geoffery Jefferies. The long-haul trucker stated he picked up the duo in Indiana. I saw them on the side of the road and waving their finger-guns in the air and holding a bag of money.” Jefferies stated he simply felt compelled to pick them up.

“Look, you have two adorable kids holding up a wad of cash and trying to make a mean face. You have to give them a ride. They were adorable as hell. They tell the best stories… it was the best cross-state trip I ever had.”

When asked if he felt the kids are in danger, Jefferies scoffed and claimed, “Ain’t nobody in this world is dumb enough to hurt these kids. They’ve been known on the two-ways for a month now, and we take care of our own on the highways and byways of this country.”

The two adorable bank robbers are assumed to be somewhere in Nebraska. Their parents are hoping that someone will be kind enough to reunite them to their children soon.

Man Attempts To Kill Girlfriend After Dreaming She Cheated On Him

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

TALLAHASSEE, Florida –

A Florida man is behind bars today after he allegedly tried to take his girlfriend’s life. According to the victim, the altercation occurred when Wrangle had a dream that she was unfaithful to him.

Jacob Walter Wrangle was arrested on Wednesday following a vicious attack on his girlfriend, Jennie-Lynn Smyth. According to the victim, Wrangle reportedly awoke at 4 AM, and begin shouting and thrashing.

“He was screaming ‘Oh no you don’t. Not like this!’ and started grabbing at me,” said Smyth. “But he just kept screaming and saying ‘You can’t make me a fool. I’m your man!’”

Smyth said she then realized he was in the midst of a dream and attempted to calm him down. According to Smyth, Wrangle overpowered her and began to reach for a weapon. “I knew he had the handgun under the bed. But I was able to make my way to a phone when he stopped screaming at me and started talking about the orange flamingos taking his pants.”

Sheriff Deputy Steven Gordon arrived on the scene minutes later and attempted to reason with the sleep-walking Wrangle.

“The individual kept stating that the victim, Ms. Smyth, was making him look like a fool. My partner and myself attempted to reason with him until it became clear he was not fully cognizant. At that time, we decided to take utilize our tasers and subdue the individual.”

When reached for comment, Wrangle’s public attorney stated his client was sure that an act of infidelity occurred. According to the attorney, Wrangle saw Ms. Smyth and an unidentified man in mid-coitus on top of a unicorn at the local supermarket.

Jackson 5 Reunite for American Tour Featuring Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson Hologram

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In news that will excite music fans from the 60s-through-80s, the remaining members of the Jackson 5 have announced that they will reunite, touring with Bruno Mars on lead vocals, as well as a hologram of deceased member Michael Jackson.

“We’re all very excited about this,” said Jermaine Jackson, who has only recently re-entered the music scene. “Once Michael died, we thought it was over. And when Randy vowed never to sing with us again, it seemed all but impossible. But Michael is still with us, if only technologically, and Bruno could pass for one of us. Yeah, he’s not really black, but white people won’t know the difference. Never have before.”

Michael Jackson’s hologram, in its first ever statement to the press, agreed with Jermaine’s assessment.

“Back in the day there were purists, who only wanted to hear the original five,” the Hologram said. “Those people are all either dead or too old to care. I’m the only one that people remember by now, anyway. Even I can’t remember the others’ names offhand – I have to search the database Google installed in place of a mind every time I need to make reference to them.”

Bruno Mars blogged his excitement at the privilege of joining the five, saying that he believed it was down to the success of Mark Ronson’s smash hit, “Uptown Funk.”

“I look so cool in that video. I watch it every day, checking out the moves I never knew I had. The King of Pop himself would be envious, if his hologram could experience human feelings.”

The five are expected to start touring in early May, following the three months necessary to teach the hologram to moonwalk.

Taylor Swift Incites New Feud Between Rival Gangs Crips, Bloods

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

A long list of Taylor Swift’s ex-lovers has been leaked onto the internet, inciting renewed fighting between rival West Coast gangs, the Bloods and Crips. The tally included high percentages from the combined 60,000 members of both gangs, and as such, each gang considers Taylor to be their ‘territory’. Immense revenge attacks are being waged, leading to concerns over deaths of innocent bystanders.

“Lots of gang members from both sides, all of whom allegedly slept with Swift at some point, have been killed,” reported eyewitness news correspondent, Lisa Mcintosh. “The numbers of civilian deaths is not as yet known, but many people are speculating that the number could be in the triple digits.”

Unsubstantiated rumors suggest that celebrities who have been involved with the “Blank Space” singer have found asylum in police safehouses until the hostilities die down. Professional fame-by-association junkie, Harold Horvath, told reporters that his own evidence suggests this to be true.

“I’ve had no sightings of John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Harry Styles, or Cory Monteith in days,” he explained. “Neither have any of my vast network installed in popular celebrity restaurants, outside their houses, or even at Victoria Secrets fashion shows.”

Taylor Swift released a statement in response to the bloodshed. It read, “I am shocked and horrified of the war being waged on my account. However, I refuse to harbor the blame.”

Friends of the singer agreed that she’s doing really well to shake it off.

“You can’t blame her for who she sleeps with,” said Claire Kowakian. “Except for Taylor Lautner. She has no excuse for that one. I mean, who wants to sleep with someone who shares the same first name? When he’s crying out your name in bed, how can you be sure he’s not just super vain? I’m just glad that all this ex-lover stuff might actually give her useable fodder for a new hit song.”

Members of both the Crips and Bloods have independently stated that the feud could soon be over as, “everyone seems united in the belief that Taylor is insane.”

‘Dexter’ Creator James Manos Jr. Admits Series Ending Was ‘Horrible,’ Plans To Bring Show Back For One Final Season

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

MIAMI, Florida –

It can sometimes be hard to admit when a mistake is made. It can be doubly difficult when the mistake costs millions to produce and leaves a following of fans unsatisfied and despondent. That is why James Manos Jr’s admission that he could have done better with the series’ ending was such a breath of fresh air to Dexter fans.

“Quite frankly, we screwed up. It was horrible, and we’re ready to make it right with a true final season” said Manos Jr.

The Dexter series pulled in millions of fans to its twisted storyline of a serial killer tied to a bizarre moral code. Throughout eight seasons, the show wowed audiences while keeping them guessing at every turn. Unfortunately, the final episode undid all the positive motion that the previous seasons had built. A ruined climax and a rather uninspired ending left many crying foul and wanting a redo. Now, unhappy fans will finally get their wish.

“To be honest, the ending was simply thrown together because we ran out of time,” said Manos Jr. “We were all dealing with a big bout of writer’s block by the end of the show’s run. We heard that Breaking Bad was putting Walter White in the Northwest forests. We thought it would be great to put our murderer there as well. Can you imagine? A forest battle between Walter White and Dexter Morgan? We thought it was going to be brilliant.”

Unfortunately for Manos, the AMC series turned away from its original concept and killed off Walter White in the final episode, leaving Dexter in the woods alone.

“Without warning, their ending was totally different. We were left hanging there with our murderer out in the forest with no antagonist. But it was too late to save the finale since ours was a week prior to their own. They screwed us, and in turn, we screwed the fans. So now we’ve simply got to do a true final season.”

Manos Jr. Stated the ninth season could begin as early as 2016. Fans are already starting the gossip mill on who will be the antagonist, with many clamoring for Jesse Ventura.

“At the very least, even if we screwed up again, I can promise this,” said Manos Jr. “we will definitely not just cut to black in the middle of a conversation. Sorry, Sopranos. You’re alone in that boat.”

Melissa McCarthy Says She’s ‘Spreading Her Acting Wings’ In Ghostbuster Reboot

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Melissa McCarthy says she is sick of playing the same role all the time. Now, she is ready to ‘spread her wings’ and take on a more challenging concept for the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot.

“I have been sitting uncomfortably in the same character for a long time,” the actress stated. “It’s time I come out of my shell, and show what I can really do.”

According to sources, McCarthy caused a stir when she told the producers of her decision to tackle a new dynamic in her acting prowess. Paul Feig, who is heading the project, had this to say about McCarthy’s decision.

“Obviously we hired her for a specific role type, and felt she was right for the character we had in mind. But, after she approached us about the character and her direction with it, we feel comfortable letting her expand the character.”

McCarthy, who came to fame for her roles in both TV and movies, said she wants to be more inspiring, both to herself and to others.

“I’ve just become so tired of playing the same shackled character. I think it’s time I really express myself, and stop playing such ‘between the lines’ kind of characters,” said McCarthy. “I want my new characters to be more brash, outspoken, and crass. No more having to try to figure out what my characters are all about. I’m tired of the subtly and unspoken dialogue I have to portrait. I’m going to make them sassy, bold, full-figured women. The meek characters are all over for me.”

When confused entertainment reporters asked McCarthy to expand on how she viewed her previous characters, she explained frankly, “Well, you know – you can only play the straight man for so long. Now it’s time for me to show my goofball side. I’m going to tickle the hell out of your funny bones in this one. Just wait! It’s going to be a side of me that you never thought you’d see.”

Benedict Cumberbatch Eyed To Play Next James Bond; Fans Both Outraged, Thrilled

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

A document leaked by an employee at Eon Productions – the production company responsible for producing the James Bond film series – suggests that Oscar nominee Benedict Cumberbatch will succeed Daniel Craig as the iconic Secret Service agent.

Initial reaction from the public was incredulity, and even outrage. However, soon after the story hit news outlets, the internet began to concur that, actually, it kinda makes sense.

“The bizarrely named individual, recognized by his strong, high cheekbones and sharp chin, is an unlikely figure to make it big as an actor in the first place, but he totally kills in Sherlock,” Said IMDb message board user MovieDude6969. “Also, he played Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness, and who would’ve thought he’d pull that off? Hell, didn’t he play the voice of Smaug in The Hobbit series too?”

Another internet user, Federico Macheda, who says he is a big fan of James Bond, and is a purist when it comes to the literature, had a similar reaction.

“He doesn’t really fit in with the archetypal Bond figure, and that bothered me at first. But then I realized that, actually, he’s the perfect James Bond. He can be suave. He has plenty of action scenes in Sherlock – which he pulls off better even than Robert Downey, Jr did in his vapid attempts at playing the legendary sleuth. He’s even got that huge following of fans, the ‘Cumberbitches,’ so he’s clearly a hit with the ladies.”

Eon Productions have denied the reports, dismissing the idea as a hoax, and saying they “have never considered Benedict Cumberbatch for the role,” although an executive at the company, who wished to remain anonymous, did say “Although… now that you mention it… maybe we should give that a shot.”

Facebook users are expected to start up a petition to ensure that Cumberbatch gets the role, since everyone now agrees that it’s really got to happen. Everyone is encouraged to wait a few moments if they have any doubts about signing it, so that they have a chance to realize how awesome it’ll actually be.