Microsoft Releases XBox Controller That Doubles As Marijuana Pipe

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a bold move by Microsoft, the company has begun shipping controllers that double as pot smoking pipes, or bowls, for their XBox 360 and XBox One consoles.

“This is a fucking game changer,” said Joe Goldsmith, avid video game player and pothead. “I mean shit, before I had to pause my game, put down the controller, then pick up my bowl, smoke it, and then put it down, pick up the controller…it was a processes. This is a much better idea.”

Microsoft said that the design came after many people complained that they had a hard time smoking weed, playing video games, and eating munchies all at once.

“We know that, for the most part, gamers – especially XBox gamers – are potheads, and we just wanted to do something to give a little back,” said Microsoft spokesman Jim Dugan. “We’re really glad to be able to launch a product like this, that will be so helpful to so many gamers and pot smokers.”

The controller will retail for $42.00, several dollars less than the current controller, but what Microsoft says is a “way more amusing” price point.

‘No Shave November’ To Roll Into ‘Decorative Beard December’

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Hipsters everywhere rejoice! Once November has run its course, you do not have to shave your tragically un-cool facial hair. Instead, you can join with dozens of other hair men by partaking in Decorative Beard December, a new trend sweeping the nation.

“I plan to decorate my beard with garland and little ornaments,” said bearded man Joe Goldsmith. “It will be fantastic. I think, somehow, there is a cause involved? I have no idea, though. Who cares? I just want an excuse to grow a beard.”

Many men forgo shaving throughout the month of November, a movement originally referred to as Movember, a way to bring awareness to men’s health issues, such as testicular cancer.

“I knew there was some sort of cause!” said Goldsmith, when he was told why he wasn’t shaving in the first place. “Frankly, I just do the No Shave November thing because my wife bitches if I try to grow out facial hair any other time of the year. She, like most sane women, hate beards. I’m glad now that there is a reason to keep the beard through December.”

“I plan on spray painting my beard green, and sprinkling some glitter into it,” said hipster Franz Silver. “It will look very beautiful, no doubt about it. Man, I sure do love a reason to do what every living man can do, and grow out a disgusting beard. Thanks, Christmas!”

Giant Skull Of Unknown Creature Washes Ashore In San Fransisco Beach

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Researchers are scratching their heads over a giant skull that washed ashore on a beach in San Fransisco early yesterday morning, saying they have never seen anything like it before.

The skull, which resembles that of a canine, but measures over 10 feet long and stands over 8 feet tall, seems to be of a creature who died only within the last few years.

“This is not some prehistoric skull that washed ashore after millions of years tumbling under the waves,” said research scientist Anthony Moore. “This is a creature that died only a short while ago, probably within the last 2 years. It’s mind-boggling that there could be a creature out there of this size, and no one had seen it previously.”

Based on the size of the skull, the research team estimates that the creature, which they’re referring to as “Sandy,” would be approximately 40 to 50 feet long, and could potentially way as much as 3 killer whales.

“It’s intense, really, because if there are more of these creatures out there, they’re definitely not friendly. These teeth, they would kill most other animals in seconds flat,” said Moore. “We’re at a loss, really, for what this is or where it might have come from. It is definitely real bone, though.”

Taiwanese Man Born With No Bones Celebrates 30th Birthday

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TURKEL, Taiwan –

Charlie Chen is a marvel of the medical community. 30 years ago, he was born completely healthy, except for one small problem: he did not have a single bone in his body.

“They told my parents that I would be lucky to live one full day, but here I am, 30 years later, and I’m doing fine,” said Chen from his home in Turkel. “I have actually outlived my parents, both of whom died within the last few years. Surprising, really, because they were both really healthy.”

Chen says that he lives a normal life, for the most part, and loves to sit around and watch movies, eat junk food, and have his government pay for everything.

“They think I’m special, so they keep me fed and pay for my bills,” said Chen. “Basically, I am an American but I am actually from Taiwan. Hahaha.”

Doctors are constantly watching over Chen, and they say at this rate, they see no reason why he wouldn’t live until his 50s or 60s, the average age for this in his country.

Man’s Habitual Nose Spray Habit Causes Hole To Form In Face

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Massachusetts –

A 52-year-old man who has reportedly used one bottle of nose spray a day for over 20 years was hospitalized after he burned a hole through one of his nostrils.

Ingredients in the nose spray, especially menthol, are reportedly to blame for the hole that has formed on one side of the man’s nose.

“It’s horrible, really, because now I look abysmal, and doctors aren’t sure they can fix it,” said the man, who chose to remain anonymous, but wish to get his cautionary story out to the masses. “On the plus side, I can breathe a whole lot better with this hole in my nose.”

“We want to repair the hole, and make [name redacted]’s face look normal again, but we know he’ll just end up ruining it with his nose spray habit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard Medical Center. “I haven’t seen someone snort this much of anything since my days of attending school at Yale with George W. Bush.”

Doctors are hopeful they can help to reduce the man’s nasal spray habit in hopes of rebuilding his face.

Woman Gives Birth To Baby Born 36 Weeks Late

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Selena Myers, 38, gave birth to a happy, healthy, 18 pound baby yesterday afternoon at an Atlanta hospital. The child, which clocks in at one of the heaviest ever delivered, was also an astounding 36 weeks late.

“It was very odd, because normally, you’re only pregnant for about 39 or 40 weeks,” said Myers’ midwife, Donna Landers. “Selena was not even closing to being to term at 40 weeks. In fact, she gestated extremely slowly. Her baby was almost 9 months late.”

Doctors are unsure how it is the Myers was able to carry her baby for the extra length of time, or why her body did not grow the child at a “proper rate,” but so far, all signs point to a healthy baby.

“During the pregnancy, I’d go in for my checkups, and they thought that maybe the baby would just be a little smaller than normal,” said Myers. “After a while, though, we realized that it was still going to be the size of a gummy bear when I gave birth, if I did so at the 9 month mark. In the end, I was closer to the 19th month.”

Myers has said that she is naming her baby Miracle Sparkle Myers.

Man Loses Arm After Smartwatch Explodes

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

An unidentified 32-year-old man was rushed to the emergency room in Louisville yesterday after his Apple smart watch exploded, removing most of his arm in the blast.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this, but it’s definitely a good warning to not wear stupid Apple products,” said Dr. Charles LeMar of the Louisville Regional Hospital. “According to bystanders, the man began to scream in pain, as if his arm was burning, and then a loud explosion blew 90% of his arm clean off. It’s crazy. He’s lucky he survived.”

This is the 3rd incident in as many months of smart watches exploding, although this was the first time it happened while the owner was wearing it. The previous times, the watches were charging when they overheated, causing them to blow.

“I think this provides enough proof to show how dangerous smart watches are,” said anti-technology advocate Mark Churn. “Wearable technology is highly volatile, and things like this could happen more and more as we begin to wear stupid, electronic things. This man should be glad he wasn’t wearing Google Glasses, or he’d have lost his eyes. iPhones are stupid enough – do you really need to wear an iPhone on your wrist, too, you pretentious bastard?”

Apple representatives could not be reached for comment.

Woman Who Was Born With Giant Legs For Body Becomes Nude Model

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MENDOZA, Argentina –

Misty Lendzo, 27, was born with a rare body disorder that left her with a normal-sized head and arms, but her body is entirely a set of legs with extraordinarily large feet.

“I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I thought my body was so ugly,” said Lendzo. “As I got older, though, I embraced my body, and I started to show it off more and more, and I became more confidant.”

In a chance encounter with world famous photographer Carl Xavier, Lendzo was asked to pose for a series of nude photos.

“I’d never done anything like that before, but Carl said I was gorgeous, and he wanted to photograph me and show the world that beauty can mean anything,” said Lendzo. “It took me awhile to decide, but I’m so glad that I did it. My pictures are everywhere now, and I think people find it inspiring. That makes me happy.”

“She is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and she’s simply enchanting,” said Xavier, 60. “I’ve photographed thousands of girls in my career, and Misty is by-far the most amazing. She’s also the first one I haven’t been able to have sex with, because she has no vagina, but that’s okay. She still has a hell of a mouth.”

Caitlyn Jenner Sues Family Of Woman She Killed In Car Accident

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MALIBU, California –

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly suing the family members of a woman she killed in a car accident earlier this year. After receiving a lawsuit from the family against her for wrongful death, Jenner said that she decided to sue the family as well.

“There was substantial damage to my car that was not covered by insurance,” said Jenner. “Someone needs to pay for that, and it shouldn’t have to be me. I’ve suffered enough, what with killing someone and all. The blood that was on the car took Jose, one of my employees, over 6 hours to scrub off. It was disgusting, and he should be heavily compensated for his time.”

Jenner maintains that the accident, which killed 69-year-old Kim Howe, was not her fault.

“I mean, just because I wasn’t paying attention and someone got killed doesn’t mean that it’s my fault,” said Jenner. “Mrs. Howe was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and sometimes, people just die. That doesn’t mean that I need to go to jail, and it certainly doesn’t mean that her family can sue me without getting sued back.”

Jenner has filed a $1.9 million dollar lawsuit against the family for, among other things, car repair and defamation.

“They said that I killed her, and that I had no remorse,” said Jenner. “That’s just not true! I think it’s pretty much not okay to kill someone, but like I said, accidents happen. My heart goes out to them, but my lawyers are going out to them, too.”

Japanese Trend of Having Eyes Dyed Comes To United States

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

For the last several years, Japanese teens have been spending plenty of money on a massive trend mostly favored by the dance club scene, wherein surgeons will permanently dye and change the color or design of their eyes. The insane trend, which began in late 2008, has finally made its way to the United States, with many plastic surgeons saying they cannot keep up with the demand from clients.

“I have had about 20 teens over the last 2 weeks all come in to have their eyes changed, dyed, and decorated,” said Dr. Marsha Lawrence, of Lawrence Plastic Surgery in Los Angeles. “It’s insane. The technology is very new, even with the year that it has been happening overseas, so the risks are still high. Sadly, of those 20 teens, 3 of them have already completely lost their eyesight. They say they don’t mind, though, as their eyes look awesome.”

Teens across the country have been making appointments with plastic surgeons to have eye work, as the trend is so new it isn’t currently regulated, and is open to anyone of any age.

“I have done it to anyone younger than 14 myself,” said Dr. Lawrence. “I know, though, of some colleagues that have done children as young as 9. They really love it.”

Parents are urged to talk to their children about FX contacts, instead.