Foster Parents ‘Rent Out’ Child In Exchange For Crack

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

Think you had bad parents? Reggie and Amanda Knowlton have been charged with criminal neglect and child endangerment after allegedly “renting” there foster child, whose name has not been released, to settle drug debt.

Although neither party has commented, the pair allegedly alerted police when their daughter had been missing for five days. Police became suspicious of their involvement in the kidnapping when the couple admitted the girl had gone with her “uncle Larry” for a visit, days before, and that it had taken this long for them to file a missing persons report.

The twelve year old girl was recovered from Larry Cosley’s van, when local police happened upon his vehicle in an abandoned lot. Officer Brown says the girl is receiving medical care for the alleged rape. “She’s still in shock. Cosley did not admit to any crimes involving the girl, but when crack cocaine was discovered, he did admit to holding the girl as collateral until he was paid.”

Text messages tell a different story. The Knowltons appear to have agreed to trade her for one night to settle past debt. They then agreed to let her stay another night if she would be returned the next day with “an eight ball” of cocaine.

Man Beats Wife To Death After She Burns His Steak Dinner

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOBILE, Alabama –

A Mobile man, Joel Randolph, 51, was taken into custody after he admitted to police officers that he had murdered his wife of 11 years, Janet Randolph, 38. According to police reports, Randolph murdered his wife after he arrived home from work and found that she had burned his steak dinner.

“For years, my lovely cooked the meat perfectly. Oh, how lovely cooked the meat,” said Randolph. “I came home from work, and I could even smell it far away. I walk in the door, and she had burned the steak. Burned that bastard to a crisp. It was disgusting. I work hard for the money that purchased the meat, and I’m sorry, but it’s unforgivable.”

Police chief Carl Moore said that Randolph was being arraigned later this week, and if convicted, could face life in prison.

“I wish this was still the good ol’ days, when only men served on the jury,” said Randolph. “I’d never be convicted it it were men. They know how to keep a good wife in line, and if she burns the meat, she deserves whatever is coming to her.”

Randolph says that although he regrets admitting to the crime, he does not regret that it happened.

“She tried to apologize, too. ‘Hope you got strong teeth today, Joel,’ is what she said. ‘I’m sorry, I burned the steak!’ Well bitch, I have strong teeth, but I got a stronger backhand, apparently. We used to have no strife in our relationship – she was a lovely, lovely wife. What a shame to have it end like this.”

Death Row Inmate Allowed To Choose Method Of Execution Picks ‘Old Age’

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHMOND, Virginia –

A Virginia man, Charles Demar, on death row since 2001 for the murder of his wife and two sons, was recently allowed the option of choosing his method of execution by the state supreme court. A statement, released by Demar’s lawyer, says that he has chosen the option to die of ‘old age.’

“Mr. Demar, when given the opportunity to choose the manner in which he would be executed, chose to die by ‘old age,'” said Demar’s attorney, Richard Cheatum. “The state, forced to accept this request, have no choice legally but to let my client go free, so that he may die at the same natural rate as any other person.”

The laws in Virginia appear to be written in such a manner that a request of this nature is perfectly acceptable, with one supreme court judge quoted as saying that he “couldn’t believe” that no one had ever thought to choose that option previously.

“It would be one thing if we were just going to keep him in prison, maybe move him from death row and place him in general population, but with the way our laws are currently written, this particular inmate was able to find a loophole in the system that would grant him the ability to be executed by ‘old age,’ with that time being lived outside of the prison,” said Judge George Morris. “It’s safe to assume that we will be keeping a close eye on Mr. Demar as his time in prison comes to an end and he is allowed to merge back into society.”

“This is an amazing feat that we’ve been able to accomplish, and I am very proud of the work that we have put in to ensure that my client is afforded his ‘perfect ending,'” said Cheatum.

“Fuck yeah, I cannot wait to get the hell out of here,” said Demar. “I have some scores to settle with the sonsabitchin’ jury that put me in here in the first place.”

Demar is set to be released May 1st.

Death Row Inmate Who Escaped From Prison In 1947 Found, Executed

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HARLAN, Texas –

Greg Ferguson was 26 when he was sentenced to death for the murder of his brother and sister-in-law, and was sent to a federal correctional facility just outside of Harlan, Texas. That was in 1946. In 1947, Ferguson successfully escaped from prison, and had been on the run ever since.

Last month, authorities in Dallas arrested Ferguson, who is now 95-years-old, as he sat drinking coffee in a small diner. The waitress serving him said that he had been coming into the diner every morning for as long as she could remember.

“I can’t believe that nice old man was an escaped convict!” said Marissa Fuller, 28. “I’ve been waitressing here since high school, and Mr. Ferguson was always so nice. He always left a good tip, and he always took his coffee with cream and sugar. Why, every killer I’ve ever met only drank their coffee black. Just goes to show you, I guess.”

Police say that they had received an anonymous tip that Ferguson may still be residing in Texas, and that he had been seen in Dallas.

“As it goes, Mr. Ferguson went with us very peacefully, and didn’t try and run,” said Police chief Mark Hamlin. “Of course, it would be hard for him to have run anyway, as he was barely able to stand on his old legs.”

Hamlin says that Ferguson was returned to a cell at the same correctional facility in which he was originally sent, and was executed a week later.

“We don’t screw around in Texas when it comes to killing people,” said Hamlin. “We missed out on our chance to fry this ol’ boy for the last damn near 70 years. As soon as we could, we put him down.”

Ferguson leaves behind a wife of 45 years, 3 sons, and 11 grandchildren – none of whom say they were aware that he was a violent killer.

New Panties That Prevent Pregnancy and STIs

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

QUEENS, New York –

Dirty sluts, rejoice! Protective panties are coming to a bathroom vending machine or sex shop near you. New Woman’s Choice brand medicated underwear are predicted to replace condoms as the preferred contraceptive method for the one night stand.

You can slip these discreet underwear on up to six hours before intercourse, and they will help protect a woman against pregnancy and many sexually transmitted infections.

The special undergarment is coated in a blend of antibiotics, spermicide, and pesticide, which is up to 99% effective against chlamydia and gonorrhea, pregnancy, and pubic lice. It must be worn for at least 80 minutes before sex for maximum protection.

It does not prevent the transmission of viruses like herpes or HIV, and is not intended to be used regularly.

Clinical trial participant, Joulee Brown says she is thrilled about the product. “A lot of brothas complain they can’t keep it up with a condom on, and sometimes I’m so drunk I forget the risks. If I’m going out to the club I put the sheer pink panties under my regular ones, and in the morning I don’t have to worry, What happened last night? I can’t wait until I can pick them up at Walgreens.”

Sinister Secrets Of Your Local ‘House of Pizza’ And The Illuminati

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

EVERYTOWN, USA –

Ever wonder why there is a House of Pizza located in every small town in America? The truth is more incredible than you can imagine.

Conspiracy-theory expert, Paul Young claims he uncovered documents that will send shockwaves through the internet. He obtained them while employed as night manager at his local House of Pizza. “People need to realize these Greeks aren’t just about slinging subs and calzones. They’re more concerned about setting themselves up in positions of power in the New World Order.”

Young claims his suspicions started when he got a look at the books. “There was no way we were making as much as they claimed. At first I thought they must be laundering money. The owner was visited by mysterious men in suits, so it all made sense.”

When another employee discovered Illuminati symbols stamped on the underside of a table, Young became concerned. “I started digging into the files in the office, and I made a shocking discovery. All these Houses of Pizza are connected, forming a network of sleeper cells around the country. Don’t believe me? I’ve found the mark of the all-seeing eye under many House of Pizza tables. I suggest you look for yourselves.

Although many believe the Order of the Illuminati is no longer active, Paul insists that’s just what they want you to think. “There is abundant evidence that the Illuminati exists and our leaders are just puppets with no real control. I have studied it extensively on Youtube. Anyone with a computer can confirm this. The problem is the masses just believe whatever they’re told by mainstream media.”

Man Arrested for Eating Bald Eagle

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Texans are calling for the death penalty for a man accused of disrespecting America in the worst possible way, shooting and eating a bald eagle.

Larry Tucker says the eagle asked for it. “Damn bird kept picking off my chickens so I shot it. A man has a right to protect his livestock from predators.”

Arrested under the Eagle Protection act, Tucker expected to be fined for poaching and sent on his way. Because he admitted to broiling the bird, he now faces additional charges. Although his lawyer advises him there is no way he will actually get the death penalty, the public outrage against him has really hurt Tucker’s feelings.”

“I’m not un-American. Got a flag on my front porch like everybody else. I’ve always liked to try different meats, and it would have been a waste if I didn’t eat the damn thing. I truly regret it. Damn thing didn’t even taste good.”

Man Has Glass Bong Slide Removed from Urethra

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Don’t let your half-baked idea land you in the hospital. Mica Dorsey required emergency surgery to remove glass that had broken off in his urethra.

The man admitted to it was not the first time he engaged in “urethral play,” which is a fetish involving insertion of hard or soft objects into the urethra during masturbation. Dorsey’s object of choice was a glass bong slide.

After applying pressure to his shaft he felt a sharp pain followed by blood. Upon removing the glass tube he realized the end had shattered, and amazingly was able to drive himself to the hospital.

Although most people would be too ashamed to admit this publically, Dorsey talks openly about his experience. “People do a lot of shit behind closed doors, and I just want anyone thinking about doing this to know the dangers. I don’t want to see this happening to anyone else, and no I wasn’t even stoned, actually.”

Toddler Overdoses On Pop-Tart Pastries

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Texas –

Parents of Ricky Frappier never thought the boy’s favorite snack could be deadly. The 6-year-old boy allegedly got into the snack cabinet at nine in the morning on Friday before his parents had woken up. His mother, Celina, found him unconscious on the kitchen floor surrounded by more than twenty pop-tart wrappers and a mess of uneaten crust.

Celina promptly called 911, and EMTs suspected he had gone into a diabetic coma. “We didn’t know he even had the diabetes. Sure he was a little husky like me and his dad, but I figured a growth spurt was bound to clear that right up.” Social workers are concerned that he did not have a healthy diet, and Ms. Frappier has agreed to attend voluntary nutrition classes.

“What was I supposed to do, starve him? All he’ll eat is chicken nuggets, french fries, hot dogs, toast, and Pop-Tarts. I can’t stand it when he screams, so I just end up feedin’ him what he likes. Things are changing once he gets outta the hospital though. You bet your ass they are.”

The boy’s father, Bucky Rogers, says he’s seen this kind of thing before, but did not know it could happen to his son. “Had I known I would’ve put a pad lock on that damn snack cabinet. It’s like this goat we had when I was a kid. It got into its feed and just kept eating till he died. We usually sleep till noon, and Ricky makes his own breakfast. I’m just glad Celina found him when she did. From now on, I’m keeping the snacks out of his reach so he doesn’t end up dead.”

Young Man Kills Dog After It Eats His MAGIC Card Collection

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Georgia –

29-year-old Paul Hunter now finds himself imprisoned after killing the family dog in a fit of rage. Paul says the dog got into his bedroom and chewed a binder full of rare Magic the Gathering Cards, worth thousands of dollars.

“Of course Shadow didn’t touch the binder full of more common rares. He went right for my foil Mox Ruby. I had a plateau, limited edition, Ancestral Recall. When I saw they were all chewed up, I just blacked out.”

Hunter’s stepfather, Matt Smith called police after tackling Hunter and prying a metal bat from hands.

“Sick kid was basing my dog’s brains out. I couldn’t believe it. I told his mother he needed to get the hell out of the house, but of course she couldn’t make him leave- or even get a steady job for that matter. He had delusions about going pro-nerd or something. Never was gonna happen.”

Hunter explains his actions. “They were not just cards! It was not just some baseball collection. It was my future. I’ve won a bunch of tournaments at Spellbound. I was just waiting to win a qualifier, and I was going pro. Traveling the pro-circle was going to be my career. I was going to see the world. With Magic you gotta pay to play, though, so without those cards in my arsenal, I was screwed.”

Hunter now finds himself even more screwed, facing up to two years in prison, without a soft place to land whenever he does get out. Stepfather, Matt says, “No way that psycho’s coming back into my house after this one. He’s lucky his mother even comes to visit him.”