Elderly Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

Posted on February 14, 2015 by katy_rev

BURNSVILLE, West Virginia –

94-year-old Margaret Holmwood from Burnsville, West Virginia gave a birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday morning, and both mother and baby are reportedly doing fine. The baby, named Mary, weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Margaret Holmwood already has two previous children. Her first, Jeremy Halmwood, is now 62 years old, and her daughter, Jennifer, is 71. Reporters reached out to Jeremy to discuss how he felt about having a new sibling who is over 60 years younger than he is.

“Well, it’s a little bit strange, I admit, but my mother has always been an unconventional woman. She divorced my father and married a man 48 years younger her junior,” said Jeremy Halmwood. “Three years ago, she climbed Mount Everest. She dances cha-cha at at a local dance studio every other day. I’m not so very surprised. At least my grandchildren will have some company to play with.”

Doctors from St. Mary’s Medical Center are impressed with Hollwood’s strength and young spirit. “Mrs. Holmwood has lived a very healthy lifestyle. Even though she is 94, she has the body of a 40-year-old. The birth was simple, we encountered no difficulties. It’s incredible,” says Dr. Patrick Collins.

Holmwood is interested in Eastern philosophy. She practices yoga and tai chi, eats only organic vegetables and lots of rice. She claims this is the way to stay young and fit for many, many years. “In my free time, I dance, climb, cook vegan delights. I don’t sit in front of TV with a bag of chips. I feel full of energy, and I am ready to raise Mary now,” says Margaret. “They will certainly keep me young. I only hope these ol’ teats will still deliver. God knows that no baby likes powdered milk!”

According to the doctors, Holmwood is a proof that people could live longer and age slower.

“She’s a miracle of modern health and science,” said Dr. Collins. “I only hope that when I’m 94, I’m half as energetic as Margaret.”

California Man Dies After GPS Directs Him Off Cliff

Posted on February 12, 2015 by JP

ANAHEIM, California –

Investigators are still looking into a car accident that happened Tuesday evening, but initial reports say police believe that the crash could have been avoided if it wasn’t for a faulty GPS navigation system. Carl Povaromo, age 34, died Tuesday after driving his car off a cliff in Anaheim.

Weather in the city being perfect and clear, the fact that there were no brake marks in the road, and no alcohol or drugs found in Povaromo’s system, the accident was first declared a suicide. It wasn’t until police found a GPS system in the car that they realized the cause was due to negligence behind the wheel.

“We were able to use the navigation system to re-trace the route of Mr. Povaromo,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “The route that he had been traveling before the crash was right along the edge of a very high cliff, and the GPS had told him to ‘turn right,’ and unfortunately Mr. Povaromo took the instructions literally, immediately turning right, and driving off into the ravine.”

Police are unsure at the moment if the GPS had a glitch in its system, or if the road packet in the unit had never been updated. Either way, police on the scene told Empire News that they often have people use their GPS as an excuse to get out of tickets for traveling on dangerous, unfinished roads, or the wrong way down one-lane or one-way roads.

“You should always pay attention to the road and not your navigation system,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, you have to be just straight staring at your GPS to go flying off a cliff to your death like a moron. People get so caught up staring at these navigation systems, it is ridiculous. They talk to you for a reason, and you never should take your eyes off the road.”

The company that distributes the GPS, called Let’s Roam! claims they have never had a problem like this before. “We test all of our systems, and update maps as often as possible. We’d like to give our deepest sympathies and condolences to the Povaromo family. We are sorry to hear that Carl has passed away, but we are very happy that he chose one of our GPS units to lead him to those pearly gates in the sky.”

Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

Posted on February 10, 2015 by JP

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

Parents and students at St. Petersburg high school are in shock and tears today after the news of the death of 16-year-old Katy Campbell. Campbell, a junior at St. Petersburg, died while attending a school dance, and the county coroner is claiming her death could have easily been avoided.

According to Dr. Joe Goldsmith of the St. Petersburg Medical Examiner’s Office, Campbell’s stomach imploded, and she died during the high school Winter Wonderland Dance.

“Katy died due to a large amount of built-up methane gas in her stomach,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, we believe she was holding in a bad case of stinky flatulence, this causing her stomach and bowels to rupture. If she had just broken that wind, she would still be here today.”

Police investigators are ruling the death accidental, and say no foul-play is suspected. “Basically, Katy Campbell had the biggest date of her life, and apparently her parents, who are vegans, forced her to eat a giant plate of beans, kale, and spinach before she was picked up,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the St. Petersburg Police Department. “She tried desperately to hold in her gas so she would not be laughed at by her hunky jock date. Sadly, it ended her life. The parents have been through enough, so we will not be charging them as accessories, despite forcing the horrible meal onto poor Katy.”

“I wish she had just run off into the bathroom, or a dark corner somewhere, and just let that fart go,” said Katy’s date, Bob Eakafe. “I mean hell – I farted a couple times while we were dancing. Don’t think anyone noticed. Poor Katy, she probably thought she did it. It’s depressing really, because now I have no one to take to the spring dance next month.”

In lieu of flowers, Katy’s parents request donations be made to your local natural gas company.

Gym Bags Filled With Cash Hidden In Chicago, Residents On City-Wide Scavenger Hunt

Posted on February 9, 2015 by katy_rev

CHICAGO, Illinois –

In the past week, residents of Chicago have found a total of 3 gym bags filled with money. The bags were placed in different spots around the city, and so far residents, as well as local officials, are at a loss for where the money is coming from.

The first bag, found by Charles Gordon, 28, contained over $35,000. It was simply left under a bench on a bus stop.

“Craziest thing that ever happened to me,” said Gordon, a fitness instructor. “Thing of it was, I never would have found it if my car hadn’t broken down that day. There I was, cursing my crappy life, and I find a bag with enough money to be a new car. Heck, two new cars if I wanted!”

The second bag, found hanging in a tree in a downtown-area park, contained over $80,000. The third, which contained an astounding $200,000 was found on a school playground.

“The bag was on the top of a slide, but the ladder was removed,” said the lucky finder, who wished to remain anonymous. “I saw the bag sitting up there when I was, uh, well. You know, I don’t really have a good explanation for why I was at an elementary school in the middle of the day. But screw you, I don’t need an explanation, now. I’m rich! It did take me almost an hour to climb up the slide from the wrong side, though. Damn, those things are slippery.”

Inside each bag is a short, hand-written note. All three have had the same message: ‘There will be more. Look for it. Be ready.’

Residents of Chicago are now on a wild scavenger hunt. People are running on the streets with shovels, ladders, and binoculars. Sadly, many area also carrying knifes, baseball bats, lead pipes, and other weapons. Some incidents of violence have already occurred, including yesterday when two men and a woman got into a fight after they all noticed a bag in front of a supermarket. It turned out the bag belonged to a tourist who wanted to buy beers in the shop and left his luggage outside. All 3 were taken to local hospitals and treated for minor injuries, and later arrested for assault.

Now, it also seems that fake bags are being placed around the city as gags. “I found a gym bag yesterday and I was so happy, but then I opened it and found a little, creepy clown toy inside of it, not money,” says Sara Moore, a resident of Chicago. “It seems that someone is trying to trick us. I just wanted some money, damnit!” Other residents have reported that they have found bags containing monopoly money, discarded porno magazines, used underwear, and human hair.

Authorities are asking residents to remain reasonable when seeking out these large sums of cash, and to please take care of each other’s safety.

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

Posted on February 8, 2015 by JP

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana –

Thomas May, age 46, died early Friday morning in his Baton Rouge home. May’s death was caused by his dog, in a brutal attack that neighbors are saying they aren’t at all surprised to finally see happen.

“He would leave his dog out for hours upon hours, and personally I have never seen him feed the dog or pick up any of his droppings,” said Claire Devin, who has lived next to May for 5 years. “He has had the dog for as long as I have lived here, and I did call animal control on him several times. It appears my calls never worked because I never witnessed anyone come check his home for animal cruelty. Tom was a lonely man, he never had company, and the only time I would see him was when he would came out of his home to grab his paper, always just in his underwear.”

Police found May brutally attacked in his living room, with his pants around his ankles and peanut butter covering his groin. It appears from a DNA sample that the dog was licking the peanut butter off of May before attacking his neck and killing him.

Normally, under state law, a dog that attacks has to be put down, but a judge made an exception in the case of May’s dog, who was named Taco.

“He was going to be put down, but a local family heard the story and decided to adopt the dog. I have decided to spare the dog’s life, as it is clear he was under heavy strain and probably abuse, and that is why he attacked Thomas May,” said Judge Joe Goldsmith. “The family says that they have already bonded with Taco, and that the Chihuahua has become fast friends with their children, and their other pets.”

Stephen King To Revolutionize Book Industry; New Novel To Be Printed Directly Onto Live Horses

Posted on February 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BANGOR, Maine –

Book critics have long been awaiting Stephen King’s next move. The horror master has long been seen as an innovator of unexpected novelties in modern day fiction. In 2000 he began an online serialization, which was the first of its kind. Later that year, he became the first popular author to publish a full-length story entirely in digital format.

With King’s recent announcement that he was working on something “never seen or even considered before,” the literary world has barely been able to contain its excitement. And on Thursday afternoon, the prolific author did not fail to disappoint.

“In just sixty days,” he announced on his website, “I will be releasing my next novel. It is a maudlin story about a young boy who learns to speak to animals, and uncovers a world of terror and madness within their tortured brains. In staying with the theme, the novel will be printed exclusively on live horses. Each copy will span the length of three full grown stallions, and will not be on sale. Readers will be able to buy access to ranches being built around the world specifically for publication of my novels.”

Publishing houses across the globe have hailed King’s revelation as a masterstroke. Thomas Bernstein, spokesperson for King’s longtime publisher Simon & Schuster, discussed with the press how the author came upon this piece of genius, and how it will change the literary world.

“I think everyone in the writing business will agree that the past decade has been hard on the industry,” he explained. “With internet piracy flourishing no matter what measures have been taken against it, revenue has dropped drastically, and an alternative needed to be found. We believe that Stephen has found the solution. No writing implements or digital devices will be allowed onto the ranches, so that unless the reader has a photographic memory, there is no chance he or she can create a copy of King’s works.”

While the response from the public has been mostly positive, Young Adult fiction writer and YouTube vlogger John Green, best known for his book The Fault In Our Stars, has heavily criticized the project.

“We’re in an age where literature is becoming widely available to those who, in the past, could not afford more than one book a year,” he complained on his YouTube channel. “Authors should not be so concerned about the money they make, and rather worry about getting their work out to as many readers as possible.”

As of this writing, John Green’s rant has garnered 14 million views – amounting to around $200,000 in advertising revenue.

Man Sues Government For Right To Marry Dolphin

Posted on February 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Malcolm Brenner, the controversial subject of a documentary detailing his year-long love affair with a dolphin in the 70s, inspired a SeaWorld trainer to sue the government for the right to marry his new mistress, Sally. Carl Sanders, a SeaWorld trainer for over 20 years, says that Sally is a perfect specimen of Dolphin, the majestic sea creature considered to be the third most intelligent species in the world.

“Sally is obviously not her real name,” said Sanders in a press conference earlier this morning. “She is known in the dolphin world as Eeeeeee eee eeee ee. Sally is what her human captors called her, as if she wasn’t important enough to dignify learning the correct pronunciation and intonation.”

Reporters asked him why he had a preference for dolphins, what was so special about Sally, and if he thought he could win this thing.

“Firstly, dolphins have a really tight and wet orifice,” he responded. “That’s usually perk number one to any good relationship. Secondly, they’re smart and witty, are always smiling, and can sing me to sleep. Secondly, Eeeeeeeeee eee eeee ee just has a personality that fits with mine, and she’s the most attractive specimen I’ve met. I know that all dolphins look the same to you bigots, but I for one can tell the difference.”

Naturally, reporters began circling the question that was on everyone’s mind – whether or not Sanders thought he could win in court, and marry “Sally.”

“Do I think I can win? Stranger things have happened. Why should two lovers not be allowed to wed? Marriage inequality is a throwback to the undemocratic days of America – which already ended over a decade ago.”

Professional homophobe, Rush Limbaugh, gave a long diatribe against Sanders on his radio side-project.

“I knew this would happen!” he shouted. “When they gave the homosexuals the right to marry, I knew it was only a matter of time till they allowed bestiality. Those liberals think they can have sex with anything that has a hole. Soon they’ll be raping water-pipes!”

Probable Democrat Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, was overheard saying to Vice-President Joe Biden, “I sort of want it to happen, just so we get to see what their kids look like.”

7-Year-Old Boy, 8-Year-Old Girl On Bank Robbery Spree Across Midwest

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

OMAHA, Nebraska –

While some may have thought that outlaw bank robberies were a terror that only our great-grandparents had to deal with, one duo has proven it is anything but.

Robert Middleton and Stacey Antworth are not your run-of-the-mill bank robbers for many reasons. The main reason being that the two have combined for a total of 15 years on the Earth. Middleton turned eight in January, according to his mother. Antworth is seven, and will be eight in April.

The two have committed 16 bank robberies as they cross the country, and the reason for their success is simple: “They’re too cute to say no to,” says bank teller Rebecca Oliver. “When they come through the door in their oversized suit and dress, and they try to sound tough and point finger-guns at you… you kind of just have to turn the money over.”

Ohio bank manager, Lauren Whittle, stated that she did apprehend them at one point, but only to give them the biggest hug in the whole wide world. “I just wanted to love them forever,” she said. “The rules clearly state that when someone comes in and demands money, our job is to give them the money. The problem is that due to all the gushing over how cute they are, we all forgot to alert the police until it was too late.”

Both children were reported missing in Pennsylvania by their respective parents in September. Detectives assigned to the case had originally believed the parents had been involved. However, it now appears the two children have made their route via hitchhiking. The two have since been seen in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa. As to how they got there, officials stated the two were catching rides with friendly truckers.

“I don’t know who could say no to those faces,” said Geoffery Jefferies. The long-haul trucker stated he picked up the duo in Indiana. I saw them on the side of the road and waving their finger-guns in the air and holding a bag of money.” Jefferies stated he simply felt compelled to pick them up.

“Look, you have two adorable kids holding up a wad of cash and trying to make a mean face. You have to give them a ride. They were adorable as hell. They tell the best stories… it was the best cross-state trip I ever had.”

When asked if he felt the kids are in danger, Jefferies scoffed and claimed, “Ain’t nobody in this world is dumb enough to hurt these kids. They’ve been known on the two-ways for a month now, and we take care of our own on the highways and byways of this country.”

The two adorable bank robbers are assumed to be somewhere in Nebraska. Their parents are hoping that someone will be kind enough to reunite them to their children soon.

Man Attempts To Kill Girlfriend After Dreaming She Cheated On Him

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

TALLAHASSEE, Florida –

A Florida man is behind bars today after he allegedly tried to take his girlfriend’s life. According to the victim, the altercation occurred when Wrangle had a dream that she was unfaithful to him.

Jacob Walter Wrangle was arrested on Wednesday following a vicious attack on his girlfriend, Jennie-Lynn Smyth. According to the victim, Wrangle reportedly awoke at 4 AM, and begin shouting and thrashing.

“He was screaming ‘Oh no you don’t. Not like this!’ and started grabbing at me,” said Smyth. “But he just kept screaming and saying ‘You can’t make me a fool. I’m your man!’”

Smyth said she then realized he was in the midst of a dream and attempted to calm him down. According to Smyth, Wrangle overpowered her and began to reach for a weapon. “I knew he had the handgun under the bed. But I was able to make my way to a phone when he stopped screaming at me and started talking about the orange flamingos taking his pants.”

Sheriff Deputy Steven Gordon arrived on the scene minutes later and attempted to reason with the sleep-walking Wrangle.

“The individual kept stating that the victim, Ms. Smyth, was making him look like a fool. My partner and myself attempted to reason with him until it became clear he was not fully cognizant. At that time, we decided to take utilize our tasers and subdue the individual.”

When reached for comment, Wrangle’s public attorney stated his client was sure that an act of infidelity occurred. According to the attorney, Wrangle saw Ms. Smyth and an unidentified man in mid-coitus on top of a unicorn at the local supermarket.

NYC Residents Report Polar Bear Sightings Throughout City

Posted on February 2, 2015 by katy_rev

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Yesterday, inhabitants of New York reported seeing polar bears in different public places. Scientists are trying to understand how the animals got to the city.

“First I thought I got crazy, I mean, I saw a bear in the middle of the city! Then I asked my girlfriend if she saw it too. She did! Man, there was a real polar bear walking around NYC as if it was some kind of Antarctica!” says Matt Barrow, one of the witnesses.

Bears were seen in East Village, Astor Row, Bushwick and Greenpoint. Three times it was one single grown-up bear, and once a person reported seeing a whole family of bears. Only one bear was caught, and has been taken to the Bronx Zoo.

Today, scientists from Columbia University and New York University met to discuss the issue. “It’s a puzzle, but we have a few theories and we will find out if one of them is real,” says Dr Hannah Sparks.

Scientists think the event might be connected to the harsh winter New York City is now experiencing. Some of them believe black bears that live in the state of New York suddenly evolved into polar bears. This incredibly fast evolution is supposed to be caused by weather conditions.

“Perhaps bears adjust better than humans. People still cannot accept it’s snowing so much,” says Dr. Sparks. “We believe the bears left the woods and came to the city, because they got shocked with their own sudden transformation and started wandering around. Other scientists say the bears traveled to The Big Apple from Canada. Animals sensed the coldness of New York City, and realized it is now a great place to live. According to one theory, they traveled through the land, while the second claims they used ice floes and sailed the ocean.”

Authorities are urging people that if they see the polar bears on the streets of New York City to please call Wildlife Management or the local police. They warn residents that they should not touch the animals, as they aren’t just white, adorable balls of fur. The fluffiness is just a cover for strength and danger.