Ryan Reynolds Hit By Car While Filming ‘Deadpool,’ Destroys Car With Bare Hands

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VANCOUVER, BC, Canada –

Movie star Ryan Reynolds was hit by a car in an apparent hit-and-run while filming on location in Vancouver, Canada for his new movie Deadpool. The star, whose film credits include The Proposal and The Green Lantern, reportedly was struck and knocked down while on a downtown street in Vancouver.

According to witnesses on the scene, several people rushed to help Reynolds, but he sprung to his feet and chased after the car, leaping over other vehicles, a fence, and by hanging onto the back of a city bus. He caught up with the car only 14 blocks from where he was struck.

“Basically, when I finally caught up the car, I yanked the driver out of his seat, and immediately went to work at kicking his ass,” said Reynolds. “Not the guy, mind you. The car. It was this stupid, ugly, yellow Prius, and honestly, it just pissed me off so much. I beat that car’s ass with my bare hands.”

The car was left nearly totaled, after the actor, who reportedly put on over 20 pounds of pure muscle to play the dark, smartass anti-hero in his new film, punched and kicked out the windows, lights, windshield, and ripped off each door.

“The guy just kind of stared at me as it happened, but you know, he deserved it,” said Reynolds. “I found out later that he loved that car more than anything in the world, but you know, if you hit someone, and then you’re too much of a coward to face the music and you try and leave the scene, well – you deserve to have everything you love taken from you. I’ll take it from you. With my bare goddamned hands.”

The driver refused to press charges on Reynolds for destroying his property. Reynolds says that the man has ‘suffered enough,’ and will not be pressing charges, either.

Deadpool is scheduled for release in 2016, with fans clamoring for the Marvel character to make his R-rated debut on the big screen. Reynolds previously played the character – sort of – in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Woman Terrified of Being Raped Has Her Vagina Surgically Sewn Shut

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A college Sophomore in Idaho has reportedly had her vagina sewn shut by a cosmetic surgeon, after she learned about rape statistics in one of her courses.

“Did you know that 1 in 3 women will be raped or sexually assaulted in her lifetime?” said college Sophomore Desiree Price, 20. “Statistically speaking, I am even more likely to be that 1 in 3, since I’m super hot and often walk along through the campus late at night on my way back from my stripper job. So I knew something had to be done.”

Price says she originally started by carrying mace in her purse, but still didn’t feel safe enough.

“I took self defense classes, bought a gun, learned to shoot – but still, nothing was making me feel safe. I knew some guy, at some point, was going to rape me. Every guy will rape if given the opportunity, that’s a fact. I learned it in my Current State of Feminism class. So, I took a drastic step.”

Price says she never wanted to have kids, so she had no reason to have an open vagina.

“I went ahead and had my ovaries and my tubes all completely removed. I no longer have a menses every month. They have built a small, tube like funnel made of skin taken from my calf, and attached it to my urethra so it sticks out, sort of like a penis I guess. I can still reach my clit so that guys who I want to touch me can touch it, or like, whatever, and I can touch it, but that’s it. If a guy tries to stick his thing in there, he’s going to be pleasantly surprised to find that there’s nowhere to stick it.”

According to Price’s mother, Victoria, she’s “very proud” of her daughter for doing what she needs to do to protect herself.

“Desiree has always been a smart girl, and knows what she wants,” said Victoria from her home in Phoenix, Arizona. “If she wants to cosmetically close her V, that’s her business. I’m just happy to know she’ll be safe from penetration from here on out.”

Price’s step-father, George Durkee, says he thinks his step-daughter is a complete and total moron.

“The dumb bitch still has another hole down there to get penetrated if some unlucky guy decides to rape her,” said Durkee. “If there’s any hole she should have had plugged, it’s that one in her face. The only thing I’m grateful for is that she can no longer breed. Amen to that!”

Stores Begin Denying Patrons Who Want To Pay By Check, Explain New Policy As ‘It’s 2015’

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

Patrons in the Best Buy in Salt Lake City were surprised recently when the store informed them that were changing their policies on payment, and would no longer be accepting checks for purchases.

“I could’t believe it,” said Mary Hutton, 82, who was there to buy a new washing machine. “They said that they took cash, credit, or debit, but no longer took checks. I was shocked. I still am. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Best Buy, as well as several other retailers, say the answer is simple – it’s 2015, and checks have been a dead payment format for decades.

“Ever since banks started issuing debit cards with every checking account, the only people who have used checks are old women and people who are floating a check because they don’t have the money in their account to cover the purchase yet – or they don’t have it at all, and are committing a crime,” said Best Buy CFO Tim Lorde. “Either way, we have no use for checks.”

Employees of several locations say they are extremely happy that the stores have stopped taking checks, as the process for accepting them is extremely slow, and more often than not, the checks are declined anyway.

“We took checks, and just ran them, essentially, like a debit card,” said Best Buy employee Molly Hamlin. “It would be instantly approved or denied. Of course, people didn’t know that, and they were trying to get something for nothing when they had no cash in their accounts, and they’d get declined – then they’d get mad at me, like it was my fault their broke ass couldn’t afford a new TV. Sorry, but pay in cash or by credit like a normal person.”

Many grocery stores and department stores are also starting to phase out check systems in their stores.

“We really want everyone to just pay, and get the hell out,” said grocery store manager Troy Lippit. “Checks slow everyone down. You can see these old women coming in, every Sunday, buying a gallon of milk and having to write a check while behind them a line of people forms, angrily staring her down wondering why she hasn’t gotten into the next century.”

According to banking professionals, checks should be completely obsolete by 2017, with most stores not accepting them by next year. They will, at that point, only be used to pay rent.

Edward Snowden Reveals He Has Seen Every American Man’s Penis

Posted on April 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNKNOWN LOCATION, RUSSIA –

John Oliver, host of HBO satire Last Week Tonight, interviewed NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, in a clip released on Sunday evening. In the course of the interview, Oliver asked Snowden if the NSA had every man’s dick pics. Snowden responded that he himself has personally seen every man in America’s penis, and what he knows is not pretty.

“Every single man in the USA has sent a dick pic at some point in his life, even just to himself,” said Snowden, who is reportedly still in Russia. “And I’ve seen them all. Long, short, fat, thin, ugly and beautiful – I know what yours looks like.”

The interview, organized by Snowden himself, is an apparent attempt to force the government’s hand in granting him immunity from treason charges. Now that the political, legal, and social system in general, are aware of Snowden’s access to the secret of their genitalia, few will be brave enough to try to prosecute him.

“Yup. If you try anything, I’ll tell everyone what an ugly cock you have. In fact, I kept a database of all the dick pics, and I’ll show them to the world!”

Supreme court judge, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, says that they will not be cowed by Snowden’s blackmail.

“You don’t scare us. You think a few dick pics are gonna let you off the hook? You’ve got another thing coming.”

Ginsburg later retracted her comments, after male members of the Supreme Court begged her not to force his hand in releasing the pictures of their male members.

President Barack Obama proudly announced he has nothing to hide.

“I’m proud of what I’ve got, and so should every man be,” Obama wrote. “As Martin Luther King proclaimed, ‘I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color, shape or size of their foreskin, but by the content of their character.”

Free Conversion Therapy Offered to Gays Who Have Been Refused Service By Indiana Businesses

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

In an attempt to compensate for individuals and groups affected by the state’s new so-called ‘anti-gay’ law, Indiana is offering free conversion therapy to anyone refused service by a store-owner. Governor of Indiana, Mike Pence, has come under intense pressure from activists to step down from his post in the wake of the controversial ruling, but he hopes that this gesture will prove he and his district are not maliciously trying to discriminate.

“Conversion therapy becomes very expensive, with many sessions required in order for it to work,” Pence said about the therapeutic process which supposedly can make a gay person straight. “Yet we want to show that we’re committed to all our citizens, even the homos. Especially the homos – they’re really lucky to be offered such a treat.”

Conversion therapy took its place center-stage a few months ago, after transgender teen Lellah Alcorn (17) committed suicide, attributing her decision to the damage done to her by the controversial treatment.

“It’s fortunate that we’ve been reminded it exists,” continued Pence. “Personally, I’d forgotten all about it – that it was an option, y’know. But the whole of America is now talking about it, and I think even the president mentioned it recently, so that’s quite something.”

President Obama indeed spoke about the treatment, calling for it to be banned. The statement released by his office read: “We share your concern about its potentially devastating effects on the lives of transgender as well as gay, lesbian, bisexual and queer youth. As part of our dedication to protecting America’s youth, this administration supports efforts to ban the use of conversion therapy for minors.”

Pence continued to assert that “as far as I know, lots of research has been done into the treatment. We’re proud to say that any homos or lesbos who felt offended by so-called discrimination, now have something good in store.”

Pence admitted that the research he referred to has continually proved conversion therapy ineffective and potentially harmful but reminded us, “no pain, no gain.”

Google Planning to Release Life-Sized Pac-Man onto Streets

Posted on April 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

On April 1st this year, Google turned its online Maps application into a game of Pac-Man, on the very streets of your hometown. But 6 days after April Fool’s, it seems the option is here to stay, and the world’s largest search engine have announced that adding such features to Maps will be an annual tradition. What we can look forward to in 2016, is our streets literally turning into a giant game of Pac-Man.

“There’ll be big yellow Pac-Men gliding along the roads, eating ephemeral pills and running away from ghosts, Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde,” Herman Melpille, the man behind the initiative, said in a press release. “Road users will be able to impact the game by bashing their cars into the soft characters, causing them to change direction and compromising the strength of the ghosts.”

The game is but a small part of a larger process, which will see Google take over 60% of the world’s streets over the next year.

“Google is moving beyond online maps and into the real world. They’ll be digitalizing the earth’s terrain, starting with first world countries but eventually moving on to those still developing,” explained tech website, Slate. “They’ll be revolutionizing not just the way we look at the world, but how life actually works. The Google car will be the beginning, but eventually our streets and buildings will belong to Google.”

Analysts speculate that the release of games such as Pac-Man is an attempt to soften the public towards their slow takeover. The web giants know that humanity can be appeased by offers of free entertainment.

“We’ve seen it in the past,” Martin Scorpese told Empire News. “With their takeover of the internet, came games such as Plants Vs Zombies. Let’s be honest, that’s not great but it caught the public’s imagination. YouTube was a stroke of genius – endless hours of free entertainment to make the fact that Google captures our most embarrassing moments.”

Among other initiatives rumored to be in the pipelines, are Super Mario characters running around the pipelines, plants actually resisting a zombie apocalypse, and a chance to rescue a princess from an evil gorilla atop a tall building.

Kate Middleton’s Baby Expected to Crown With a Real Crown

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LONDON, England –

With speculation predicting Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton’s due date to be within a month and a half, excitement is growing, and we have added details to get your anticipation to another level. The baby, expected to be a girl, is going to crown wearing an actual crown. When the little princess starts to emerge from Kate’s vagina, sharp points of a crown of pure gold will tear through, ripping the baby from its mother’s womb in true royal style.

“We can confirm that Kate and William’s second baby will literally be crowning,” a spokesperson for the royal family said. “While this may be a painful ordeal for Catherine [Kate], it is a momentous occasion, as this little bugger will be the first ever royal to do so.”

Bookies are taking bets over whether or not Middleton’s anatomy will be ruined for any future babies, with a cesarean section reportedly out of the picture.

“They don’t want surgical procedures to ruin the crowning, and so the Duchess will have to suffer for it,” royal analyst Peter Simon told The Daily Mail. “I’m betting that there’ll be reconstructive surgery, but lightly done so that the next child can crown with an even bigger, more elaborate crown.”

Prince William reportedly supports this logistical decision for the birth, although it may impact on his sex life. Unnamed sources claim to have heard him say, “I can easily get another vagina, but not another crowning baby with a crown.”

When the late Princess Diana was pregnant with Prince Harry, speculation also suggested that the prince would crown with a crown, but in the end he simply emerged wearing a royal blue robe. This time, however, the rumors have been confirmed by the royal family themselves, and we can look forward to getting illicit videos of the event from the paparazzi.

Lorde to Drop the ‘E’ and Reveal Herself as Lord and Savior

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW ZEALAND –

18-year-old singer-songwriter Lorde is expected to drop the ‘e’ from her name and reveal herself as our Lord and Savior. The New Zealander, formerly known as Ella Yelich-O’Connor, has apparently been waiting for the Easter weekend to pass, to initiate the Second Coming, in accordance with New Testament lore.

“I returned from the dead three days after the Crucifixion,” she wrote in a letter to the New York Times. “Three days from that, ie. this coming Tuesday, I will complete my resurrection, using the medium of pop music to bring in the new Messianic era.”

Christian aficionados around the world reacted with anticipation and fear to the announcement, having waited 2000 years for this moment.

“When she released [her breakthrough single] ‘Royals’, I knew,” said Pastor John Harryworth. “‘Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin’ the hotel room’ is clearly a reference to the incarnation of Christ, through the consumption of his blood in Communion. Ball gowns refers to the parties that will follow her revelation. Trashin’ the hotel room refers to the rapture, when the world will be trashed, like a celebrity’s hotel room.”

But many are worried that the world is not ready for Lorde’s revelation, saying that the rapture will take only the righteous few to heaven, leaving the rest of humanity to hell on earth.

“Look, I appreciate what Lorde’s trying to do, and I must say I love her music – remember that when you choose the righteous, sweetheart – but it’s not the right time,” said Rev. Jesse Jackson. “We need a few years to convert the majority of the 7 billion human beings, and your music will be able to do that. You’re just superb.”

The announcement dispels previous rumors that Lorde was to drop the ‘r’ and become part of a rock formation.

Indiana Looks Toward Future; Hopes To Ban Blacks, Jews From Stores Next

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The state of Indiana may have shocked the LGBTI community when governor Mike Pence brought the so-called “anti-gay” law, which allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers based on religious principles. But lawmakers have indicated that this is only the beginning. According to reports, the state is looking towards the future in the hopes of approving discrimination against blacks and Jews some day soon.

“We’re very proud of our tradition of bigotry,” said Governor Pence. “It’s a big victory for us, this anti-gay thing. But we must remember there’s a long way to go. The fight against progressive values is still in its early stages, and kicking faggots out of stores is great. The bigger goal, however, is to bring back hatred of blacks and Jews. It’s taken a backseat recently – we’re not okay with that.”

President Obama, amongst others, has condemned Pence’s decision to enact the controversial bill, and has expressed his concerns about the direction the state has chosen to take.

“It’s been a dark couple of months in Indiana’s history,” the President told reporters. “Our proud nation has worked tirelessly to bring equal rights to all citizens. Discriminatory laws such as these are a big blow to liberal democracy. To think that one day I, the president of this great nation, might be kicked out of a store in Indiana by a Bible basher, is devastating and absurd.”

Jewish groups have also made their voice heard in protesting the bill. The Anti-Defamation League (ADL), who usually don’t give a fuck about LGBTI rights, have swiftly denounced Pence, stating that “this is a kick in the guts for all those who are against discrimination. If reports are accurate that Jews are next, then the LGBTI community is responsible for fighting the law, tooth and nail, and we’ll be with them all the way. If not, well, they can take care of themselves.”

American Airlines Annoyed That the Media Loves Plane Crashes

Posted on April 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CINCINATTI, Ohio –

American Airlines has expressed its annoyance with the media’s obsession with plane crashes. The major corporation says that it can no longer tolerate the collective wankfest that takes place after every air disaster, regardless of nationality or even cause. Their patience was seemingly tried to breaking point by the recent response to the Germanwings plane crash, precipitated by a suicidal co-pilot. Approximately 150 passengers were killed, a detail the media repeated over and over again, presumably with its metaphoric dick in its hand.

“The Malaysian flight that got lost… that was more than enough,” said Doug Parker, CEO of the transport giants. “With all their screwy theories, and the excitement over every bit of non-evidence… Then the flight that got shot down over the Ukraine, now this. It seems like all you see on CNN is plane crashes. It’s just not fair.”

Media analyst, John Tremp, agreed with the sentiment.

“The ratios are pretty insane,” said Tremp. “The number of planes that crash in a year – less than 200. The amount of airtime it gets on all media platforms – fucking enormous. It’s like the porn industry – there are exponentially more pornos portraying a housewife getting fucked by the pool boy than what happens in real life. It’s no wonder American Airlines is pissed.”

But the media has collectively promised not to stop the immense over coverage of such events saying, “America perves over this stuff. Traffic on RedTube and YouPorn goes down – pardon the pun – during coverage of air disasters. We as the media are committed to giving the citizens of the USA what they want, even if it is somewhat sickening.”

According to statistics, even articles blasting the obsession bring in unnecessary details of the event. For example, such articles will tell you that the co-pilot had been treated for suicidal thoughts, which surely is not something everyone has to know. Also routinely reported is inside info of the captain’s final words, including the devastating cry of “For God’s sake open the door!” – pure voyeurism.