Professional Chef And Cannibalism Expert Denied Restaurant Permit

Posted on September 16, 2014 by DvanL

BROOKLYN, New York –

Charles Freihoffer loves food. He also happens to hold a degree in psychology, and is an authority on people who practice, or claim to practice, cannibalism. “I’ve been called on to offer expert testimony on cases where some pretty grisly crimes have taken place. It’s a very specific disorder and the work takes its toll, so my stress relief for all that is cooking.”

“I wanted to open a dungeon-themed restaurant called Ground Chuck,” Freihoffer explained, with a wry smile. “I decided to ‘go dungeon’ because the space I found was a basement space. So I went and applied for the permits, but I got turned down.”

“Charlie should be able to open a restaurant,” says his mother, Danielle. “I’m not just saying that because he’s my son and I’m his mother, I’m saying it because he’s good at what he does. This is supposed to be the land of free enterprise and that type of thing, last time I checked!”

“I had menu ideas going and everything,” said Freihoffer. “I wanted it to be fun, so I put together some traditional stuff, but with my sense of humor in it because a lot of my friends know what kind of job I do. So I came up with some fun stuff: ribs, leg of lamb, pork shoulder, elbow macaroni, kidney beans, artichoke hearts, things like that, real ‘groaners.’ I think it’s a great idea and fun for the neighborhood, but I guess no one has a sense of humor anymore.”

Susan Metzger, Administrator for the New York City Food & Beverage Commission, was able to give some advice to Freihoffer after his permit was denied. “I told him that even in a so-called ‘edgy’ city like New York, with all the restaurants and trends and themes and whatnot, unless you’re a Disney or a Planet Hollywood or a Guy Fieri, it’s gonna be an uphill battle. Honestly, some of the ideas he had, they came off a little too, um…creative and scary.”

“Believe it or not, the big guys are afraid of the little guys,” she continued. “The reality is, New York is becoming more conservative. Even from where I sit, I can see that. I told him how to appeal and to apply again. I wish him luck. He seems like a nice guy. It sounds like a fun idea.”

“This isn’t the same place I grew up in,” said Freihoffer. “The edge is gone. All the fun is being squashed out by the big-wigs and the corporations so little guys like me get screwed. I don’t know any famous people like Rachel Ray or folks like that, but I mean how am I supposed to get my start? It’s bad enough that opening a restaurant in the NYC means that at any time they could ban a random food item, like they tried to do with large sodas. The city is crazy.”

Freihoffer remains optimistic and appreciates the help and support he receives from his friends and family.

“Well, now it’s just wait-and-see. Here I thought the hardest part was going to be finding the right place to open up,” said Friehoffer. “That was the easiest part! Now it’s all this red tape. Hey, I’m going to keep trying, so stay tuned!” he said, giving the ‘thumbs-up’ gesture.

World’s First Pregnant Man: ‘I Can’t Wait To Get This Damn Thing Out of Me’

Posted on September 15, 2014 by L.J. Mainville Jr.

SAN DIEGO, California –

Back in 2009, Thomas Trace Beatie, a public speaker, author, and advocate for transgender and sexuality issues with a focus on trans fertility and reproductive rights, became the first man to become pregnant. Beatie, who was born a woman, had gender reassignment surgery in 2002, and later became known as ‘The Pregnant Man.’ It was Beatie’s pregnancy that gave doctors and researchers at Scripps Memorial Hospital in San Diego the idea of impregnating a natural born male.

Over the entire span of medical science, doctors believed human males did not have the anatomy needed for natural embryonic and fetal development. However, Dr. Paul Chambers, a pioneer of in-vitro fertilization, believed the theoretical idea of a male ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside the uterine cavity) by implantation could be completed with close monitoring, along with some modern medical intervention.

“I don’t see why it can’t be done,” said Chambers. “Why should women have all the fun, right fellas? We’ve worked very hard on the science and health risks involved. We studied the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior, watching it over and over, and we don’t see why this can’t work, albeit with some strict monitoring. There won’t be any Lamze classes for our pregnant man, though.”

Dr. Chambers stresses that the concept of ectopic implantation, while theoretically plausible, had never been attempted and would be difficult to even justify to the scientific community. The need for justification, though, went out the window when they received a willing volunteer.

The 31-year-old man, who we will refer to as ‘Tom,’ volunteered for the experimental pregnancy when it was learned that his wife of six years could not get pregnant due to severe endometriosis. The risks were explained, and Tom consented.

“Even for women lacking a uterus – owing to the extreme health risks to both the parent and child, you can understand our concern for implanting a man,” said Dr. Miles Balderdash, a researcher for Scripps. “Regardless of our concerns, [Tom] was determined to give his wife a child. So we went ahead with it. I gotta say, the guy is a trooper.”

Doctors harvested several eggs from Tom’s wife, and fertilized the eggs with Tom’s sperm.

“Collecting the sperm was by-far the best part of this whole process,” said Tom. “They gave me a choice between video or magazines. I went with video. My wife doesn’t let me watch that sort of thing at home, but for science, for our baby, she said I could this once.”

Once a viable fetus was established from this fertilization procedure, Dr. Chambers implanted the fetus in Tom’s abdomen.

“Since a man does not have a uterus with the placenta, we attached the fetus to an the only internal organ the male has that could possibly sustain a fetus – the bowels,” Dr. Chambers said. He went on to explain that the colon area is made up of very vascular tissue, which can supply oxygen rich blood to the fetus. The colon is not as vascular as a uterus, but it is the most feasible choice to implant in a male.

Doctor’s at Scripp’s Memorial and researchers from San Diego State University Medical Center have been following Tom’s progress, and with proper medical treatment, he has been able to carry his baby for the past six months; However, doctors are becoming concerned.

“The weight of the baby is pushing his organs up into his chest cavity, and it is affecting his breathing. His blood oxygen levels are falling and putting the baby, and his health, at risk.”

“They’ve put me on bed rest for now,” Tom said as he wife tended to him. “As long as I keep my feet up and do as the doctors tell me, I’ll be able to give my wife the child she deserves.”

Doctors are obviously planning to deliver by Caesarean section. “We trust the doctors,” Tom’s wife said as she held her husband’s hand. “They’ve been so helpful this entire time. I just want a baby. [Tom] has been so strong this entire time. Women having been popping out babies for ages. It’s so exciting to know that we’ll be the first couple to have a baby that was grown in the father.”

Dr. Chambers noted that the abdomen is not designed to separate from the placenta during delivery, hence the danger of an ectopic pregnancy. “We never questioned whether this was going to work,” said Dr. Balderdash. “We more questioned whether [Tom] was going to live through it. He knew the risks, though, and we’re doing all we can to make sure he and the baby are safe.”

Currently Tom is still bed bound with his feet up and his wife tending to him as he breaths purified oxygen through a face mask. He says he feels great, and just can’t wait to get the ‘damn thing’ out of him.

Hoveround Designs Mobility Skateboard For Active Seniors

Posted on September 11, 2014 by DvanL

SARASOTA, Florida –

Hoveround, manufacturer of best-selling power chairs and scooters, announced today a brand new family of mobility devices aimed at the more active, sports-minded consumer.

The ‘Skate-A-Round’ product line was unveiled at the 10^th Annual Mobility Product Showcase held at Sarasota’s Municipal Auditorium.

“Our customers have come to rely on the dependability, safety and convenience of our scooters and wheelchairs,” said Boyd Miller, Hoveround Mobility Specialist. “More and more seniors are living longer and leading more active lives, and we received a few feisty letters and emails asking us for more exciting products.”

71-year-old Preston Jacobs attended the mobility showcase and eagerly volunteered to demonstrate the new Skate-A-Round. “It’s great!” said the retired tennis instructor. “I was what you call an all-around athlete. I played tennis, I swam, I enjoyed skateboarding and baseball — I once pitched a no-hitter in a celebrity all-star game for charity. I struck out Hank Aaron! He ran over and shook my hand. He sends me a Christmas card every year! Extraordinary guy!”

Jacobs demonstrated the electrically powered skateboard for the convention’s visitors. “First, you gotta snap down these 2 training wheel brackets on each side by stepping on this bar. Then you grab onto the handle where the activity lever is. You lean back on the seat, push the ‘up’ handle to go forward, and the ‘down’ handle to go back. It’s like being a kid again,” he said, as he sped from one product booth to another.

Another mobility product manufactured under the Skate-A-Round brand is the ‘Hipster,’ a wraparound device powered by 4 in-line skates attached to a specially modified walker.

“The Hipster is designed for the active senior who wants to feel a bit more stable,” explained Miller. “The belted waistband wraps and snaps around the lower body like a girdle, so there’s no fear of losing your balance, and possibly breaking a hip. Active seniors can still enjoy the full skateboard experience without the anxiety.”

“We’re excited to offer new options for our more active customers,” said Miller. Look at the crowd around our booth! This looks like another top-selling line for us!”

“I’ll be right back,” said Miller, rushing off. “I lost track of Mr. Jacobs. The last time I saw him he was doing a tailstop in front of The ‘Little Rascal’ scooter booth. They’re our largest competitor. I don’t want them studying our product too closely!”

Old Man Becomes Job Annihilator by Inventing Prescription Pill Vending Machine

Posted on September 9, 2014 by hollywriter1

MIAMI, Florida –

Joe Pruitt, a 74-year-old Miami resident, used to enjoy waiting in line for his prescriptions at the pharmacy every month. He considered this ritual of getting his Xanax, pain-killers, and Viagra as a pleasant experience, and he’d go home immediately to wash down his pills with a gin gimlet. He says that his trip to the pharmacy served as a comfort, to fill the empty void of his life as a retiree with kids who resent him and never call. All of that changed last month when a pharmacy employee did the ‘unthinkable.’

“That young whipper-snapper must have too many holes in her head from all those piercings. She told me that the doctor had not called in my prescription,” Pruitt said wringing his hands in anger. “Then she wouldn’t even check the bin for my bloody prescriptions, claiming she was ‘too busy’ and to come back later.”

Fuming and confused, Pruitt says he drove all the way home, up hill both ways, to call his doctor from his landline home phone. After waking from his regular afternoon nap, Pruitt says something ‘unbelievable’ happened.

“Around 5 pm, I went back to get my pills. The damn nine-to-fivers were rushing the pharmacy, and I had to wait in line for over thirty minutes,” said Pruitt. “That is when it came to me. A nice lady named Anna Smith, who was waiting in line to pick up an prescription enema for her son, was the first to hear of my new plan.”

“He was kind of making me uncomfortable,” Smith said, “and he was sort of mumbling to himself incoherently about robots and machines, and the ‘kids today.’ I was just hoping he wasn’t about to have a stroke.”

Although Smith says she was just scared listening to Pruitt talk, she should have listened a little closer, because Pruitt was describing an invention that may well revolutionize an entire industry.

“My idea is a machine that can help us all. I’ve invented an automatic, electronic pill dispenser. The pills are pre-filled by a doctor or whoever controls the meds these days – a politician, I guess – then all patients have to do is insert a card with their prescription on it. The machines reads it, and pills are dropped from inside. Kinda like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup from a vending machine, or for us old-timers, a pack of smokes.”

When Pruitt was asked whether or not he minded that he would be destroying jobs in the pharmaceutical industry, he seemed to not really care about the welfare of the next generation.

“That pharmacist’s job was just to put little pills into a bottle, and she couldn’t even do that right. Now she will be out of a job because, and I’m glad for it. Who needs these young ankle-biters when you can have a perfectly good machine to do the same job, only more effectively? This will teach them young ‘uns to get between me and erections or my naps,” Pruitt said, cackling in a creepy old-man kind of way.

With Pruitt’s new fortune he plans to put thousands upon thousands of pierced and tattooed millenials out of their jobs, and he can’t wait start on his next big idea – creating robot replacements for Starbucks baristas.

Family Claims ‘Fracking’ Responsible For Their Son’s Improved Report Card

Posted on September 9, 2014 by mattwardcomedy

TRIADELPHIA, West Virginia –

A Triadelphia, West Virginia family is claiming that recent changes to the local water supply brought on by the hydraulic fracturing, or ‘fracking’ as it is commonly known in the media, have been anything but harmful to their 10-year-old son Dale. Beverly and Dale Cochran Sr. say that since they began noticing a different taste to their tap water, they have seen a dramatic improvement in test scores for their son Dale Jr. Dale Sr. believes this coincides with the beginning of the Marcellus Shale gas exploration projects in the area.

“People are all up in arms about fracking, but I am all for it. Not only has it brought jobs to the area allowing my tackle and bait store to become quite successful, but Jr. has done so much better in school since the fracking,” said Dale Sr. “And it’s not just us that are seeing differences. A handful of other parents we know have made similar claims about their kids.”

“Dale Jr. went from a weak, C+ average student, to a very impressive B- student,” said school principal Monica Spooner. “I hear he even got an A on an English test last week. That sort of thing just doesn’t happen often here at Westdale High School. We quite honestly thought the kid was a dullard, but he showed everyone on test day, that’s for sure. Fracking may have saved this kid’s future.”

Others are skeptical, including Dr. Catherine Thomasson of the Physicians for Social Responsibility. “There is absolutely no proof that any aspect of hydraulic fracturing could result in increased performance from students in the area. It is far more likely that now that the families in the area have seen improved financial situations, they are able to afford amenities that improve the mental well-being of their children, resulting in slight improvements in their scholastic achievements.”

Locals that are on the fence about fracking in the area also don’t seem convinced that the Cocharan’s theory holds water. Local Triadelphia physicians refused comment on the Cochran’s claims.

“Many of these folks around here ain’t going to talk to you,” said BJ Steiner, a barber in nearby Moundsville. “They don’t want those guys to come knocking on their door after they speak up. Personally, I think that Dale just wants those workers to buy his custom-made flies to take up in the hills when they go trout fishing in their time off, like they tend to do.”

Empire News reached out to representatives at Range Resources Appalachia LLC, one of the primary companies involved in the industry in the West Virgina panhandle area, and they told us “While we appreciate the support the Cochrans are giving us, there are still no conclusive tests that prove our process has any effect on the local waterways or water supply,” stated Range Resources Public Relations Manager Ronald Figgins.

“They can say what they want, I know that when my child started showering more regularly and drinking a glass full of tap water every day instead of Mountain Dew like all his other classmates drink, He got smarter. Period,” Dale Sr. said. “And if anyone doesn’t believe me, they can come talk to me in person at my shop, Cochran’s Camp and Fish Gear, located on Halifax St. I’ll be there Monday through Saturday from 9am til’ close.”

Six-Year Old Steps On Crack, Breaks Mother’s Back

Posted on September 8, 2014 by DvanL

SALINA, Kansas –

First-grader Timothy Barton enjoys things that typical youngsters enjoy — playing with action figures, spending time with his older brother Tucker, and running around the house. When asked to name his favorite food, he enthusiastically replies “pizza!”

“He loves jumping,” says the six-year-old’s mother, Judy. He jumps on everything.” Barton, the mother of two young sons, is now confined to a hospital bed, recuperating from a spinal fracture suffered as a result of Timothy’s high-spiritedness. “He’s very energetic.”

Judy was practicing yoga when Timothy, just up from an afternoon nap, dashed from his bedroom to the kitchen for a snack. “I was on the living room floor and he ran right over my butt, and I heard a ‘pop.’ I knew something was wrong. I crawled to the phone and called 911.”

While Timothy was enjoying his snack, unaware that he had seriously injured his mother, EMT crews worked to stabilize Judy, who complained of dizziness and numbness in her legs and feet.

“She was going into shock,” said Midge Wood, emergency responder first to arrive on the scene. “I kept telling her to breathe. I kept telling her to stay alert. She did pretty well, considering.”

Fortunately for Judy, doctors say her back injury will not result in permanent damage.

“She got lucky,” said Dr. Heather Hammond, of the Salina Regional Health Center. “We took a series of x-rays, and did an MRI scan which revealed no permanent damage. She dislocated the LI vertebra in her lower back. There may be some temporary nerve damage and she’s going to need rest, and then physical therapy, but we’re confident she’ll be back on her feet very soon.”

Barton’s architect husband, Scott, rushed to his wife’s bedside upon hearing the news. “Judy called me and told me she was at the hospital and immediately I thought Timmy or our other son Tucker had hurt himself or banged his head or something. I didn’t expect this. He’s at that age you know, where he bangs into everything, he jumps off the bed pretending to be Superman, knocks things over – you know how kids are.”

“Mommy’s going to be in the hospital,” said Timothy. “Daddy’s going to stay home to take care of me and Tucker so Mommy can get better again and come home later. I got sad when she had to go to the hospital.”

“It’s just one of those things,” said Judy, as Timothy and brother Tucker jumped on the empty bed on the opposite side of the room. I’m pretty tough and I’ll bounce back from this like everything else,” she added. “Timmy-boy feels pretty bad, but I told him Mommy’s going to be all right, it was just an accident. The staff here has been super. They brought Timmy some pizza and gave the boys some hospital gowns and masks to wear, so we’ll be all right.”

Meteorologists Predict Record-Shattering Snowfall Coming Soon

Posted on September 6, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SILVER SPRING, Maryland –

Chances are you will hear a lot about El Niño in the next month or two. Meteorologists and weather science experts at the National Weather Service (NWS) say that there is a 99% chance that the we will start to see a massive cold-front sooner in the year than has ever happened, which will produce not just record-breaking snowfall, but according to Dr. Boris Scvediok, a doctor of global weather sciences, record shattering snow storms across the board, affecting the entire United States.

“For the sake of comparison to the past winter, lets say that your area received a total of twenty inches of accumulative snow for the season. Because this year the snowfall is predicted to start by the end of September or the beginning of October, you can expect to multiply that number by up to five, ten, maybe even twenty times in some areas. In the worst zones, you could see 50 times the amount of snow you’ve had in the past. This is the type of winter the American public needs to prepare for. Several meteorologists are saying not to buy into what the models are showing. I can tell you from forty years of scientific weather research, they are doing you a disservice,” Dr. Scvediok told the Associated Press on Friday. “The Northeast, Ohio Valley, and Midwestern states will definitely get hit the hardest.”

Edward F. Blankenbaker, Senior Administrator of Meteorologists, also told the media that this will be a once-in-a-lifetime kind of snowy winter.

“Pretty much everyone will see snow like they never have in their lives. Most younger people don’t even know what an actual blizzard looks like, but by the end of March, they will be seasoned survivalists,” Blankenbaker said. “Everyone needs to make sure they have their weather emergency kits prepared and ready to go. There will undoubtably be mass power outages, which along with freezing temperatures and enough snowfall to immobilize entire cities, will most likely, and unfortunately, be a very dangerous recipe. Safety always comes first and the time to prepare is right now.”

Along with the mention of severe winter weather, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) predicts supply and demand could cause shortages, causing the prices of bread and milk to increase substantially. FDA spokesperson Rebecca Miller suggests alternatives in preparation of the coming months.

“We are encouraging that you go out and purchase bulk amounts of dry, powdered milk which can be stored in your cupboards. This will prevent frantic trips to grocery stores and super markets as the onslaught of storms begin to fall upon your respected region.” Miller said. “As far as bread, we suggest you buy as much as you can efficiently store in your freezer. Bread can be frozen and thawed without compromising the integrity of its quality. Preparations such as these are crucial and the fact that technology has brought us to a time and place in which such events can be predicted is quite remarkable. So stock up on your powdered milk and fill your freezer with loaves of bread, because once the blankets of snow begin to fall, brave souls will confront the elements to raid stores of these products like some sort of scavenger hunt. Don’t be a part of the Snowpocolypse, it’s a dangerous battlefield of crazed-shopping, winter-bitten weather zombies.”

milkbread — Stock up! Prices could more than triple in some locations

Public safety organizations also encourage the masses to prepare themselves by obtaining proper necessities. James Satterfield from the National Fire and Safety Advisory Board says preparation can save lives. “Don’t wait until temperatures plummet into a freeze; obtain cold weather clothing and footwear, including wool thermal socks. It is also crucial to have plenty of batteries, candles, weather radios, you name it. Get prepared, it’s coming.” Satterfield stated. “First and foremost, make sure you have an effective plan in place to make sure you have plenty of bread and milk.”

Dr. Scvediok says to be prepared for a storm that could come as early as the end of September, and plan for the entire winter season, which this year, he says, will more than likely spread into next June.

Dr. Oz Research Shows Surrounding Yourself With Obese Friends Makes You Appear Thinner

Posted on September 6, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Television star Dr. Mehmet Oz, who also directs the Cardiovascular Institute and Complementary Medicine Program at New York-Presbyterian Hospital located in New York City, announced that extensive medical research on how one can make themselves appear thinner has concluded, and the results are groundbreaking. Their discovery was that hanging out with people who are more overweight than you will actually make you appear thinner.

“It is a joy to reach this conclusion, which will most certainly improve the quality of life and socialization of those who build a new group of friends who are fatter than they are. Being the ‘thin’ guy, or gal, in the crowd will make you the ever-so-popular life of the party. Many Americans are completely satisfied with their large figures and that is perfectly okay because they make the best friends!” Dr. Oz enthusiastically expressed during a daily taping of his popular television daytime life and health talk show, Dr. Oz, on Friday.

The month-long study included sixty single, overweight volunteers, many considered obese, split into six groups. The person with the lowest body fat percentage was then declared the priority test subject. Each group proceeded to go out and participate in random social events during the day and hit the bars at night. All six priority test subjects reported their sex lives had improved dramatically, and felt an overwhelming improvement in self-esteem while socializing with the nine chunkier friends.

“It is a win/win situation,” Oz said. “Obese people get to make lots of friends, while the average beer-bellied bachelor draws all the attention, vastly improving social skills for all involved. There is always one person who stands out in the crowd, you can still be overweight, just make sure your friends are more overweight. Frequent places that attract a lot of overweight people such as buffets and bingo halls, those places are packed to the gills with satisfied, big, loving, wonderful human beings. Use Facebook or Twitter to stay in touch with your skinny friends, just don’t go out with them anymore.”

Some members of the audience left in disgust, saying Dr. Oz is spreading exploitation of overweight people, such as Mary Parker from Dayton, Ohio. “I can’t believe Dr. Oz is telling everybody to hang out with people fatter than them, I am usually the big girl, where am I supposed to search for friends? I’m usually the one at the buffet with a stack of five or six plates,” Parker said.

Others left with a completely different point of view, such as Josh Sweeney from Fairdale, Kentucky. “I’ll tell ya what, if they don’t like it, this is what they need to do, lose some f**king weight. It’s their choice ya know?” Sweeney blatantly stated. “I have lots of fat friends, that’s why I have such a pretty girlfriend. Keep your fat friends close!” Sweeney added.

It seems that the late, great Rodney Dangerfield was a genius after all. Dangerfield once said, “I found that there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people!” His words at the time, though had been interpreted as some joke, fetching no legitimate respect.

New York-Presbyterian Hospital.^[14] His research interests include heart replace

Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

Posted on September 3, 2014 by DvanL

KANSAS CITY, Missouri –

Gummy Worms; Creepy Crawlies; The Cootie Game — the more repulsive a brand name sounds, the more popular it becomes with kids.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you haven’t heard of “Blister Pops™,” a frozen mixture of sweetened, brightly colored syrup, packaged in bubble-wrap. It’s the newest in-demand frozen treat aimed at kids.

When placed in the freezer, the blister packs expand, pop, and ooze the sweetened, semi-thickened fluid, which can be sucked directly out of the bubble, or through a syringe-shaped toy straw.

The product’s commercial jingle has become a nationwide “earworm,” and features a group of 8-year-olds pounding on a refrigerator door, chanting: I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP! I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!

“Kids love to be grossed out,” said Constance Feck, vice president of Unilever, owner of the Popsicle brand, one of the world’s most recognized frozen confectionary brand manufacturers. “The Blister Pops™ idea was pitched to us at the same time we were trying to re-invent some of our brands. Adults are eating less and less sugar, but when it comes to kids, they just can’t get enough.”

Parents and nutrition experts have expressed wildly mixed reactions about the controversial product. Stay-at-home Mom Stella Christy finally had to give in to her son’s demands for the frozen treat.

“I was in frozen foods,” said Christy, from her local Price Chopper Supermarket, “And little Jeffy-Ray saw the Pops in the dessert case. He recognized them from the commercial. He wouldn’t let up until I got some, and just like in the commercial, he didn’t want to wait. He begged for them before we even got to the checkout. Everyone kept looking at me like I was a bad mother because he kept asking if we had to wait ‘til his blisters popped! I was embarrassed. I went through the express line just as fast as I could. I left many items behind.”

Controversy over Blister Pops™ has prompted a reaction from the nation’s First Lady, Michelle Obama. In a statement released from The White House, Mrs. Obama said:

More and more unhealthy and empty calories are making up the bulk of our children’s diets. My “Let’s Get Moving” initiative emphasizes a balance of exercise, healthy eating habits and snack foods in moderation. Ultimately, it’s up to the parents, but if this frozen candy ends up as a school cafeteria menu item, I’m going to step in.

Feck understands the concerns and offered reassurances to concerned parents. “Our Blister Pops™ are a fine addition to a healthy, balanced diet. The Orange Blisters contain 50% of the minimum daily requirement of vitamin C, and that’s more than you get in a Florida orange! The Black-And-Blueberry Blister has added calcium for strong bones and healthy teeth! And if you get an actual burn,” added Feck, “you can apply any one of our blisters on your skin to prevent a blister!”

Popsicle brands plan to introduce more dessert and confectionary items aimed at the disturbed-youth market within the coming weeks.

Coming soon are Sweet ‘N’ Scabby Fruit Leathers, Pus-Ups, and Cand-Aids, citrus flavored chewing gum, in the shape of a Band-Aid.™ “We can’t wait until children from coast-to-coast tear those off and chew ‘em up! We’re positive kids will love them!”

Lay’s Potato Chips To Introduce New ‘Kim & Kanye’ Flavor

Posted on September 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Chairman and CEO of PepsiCo, Indra Nooyi, announced yesterday that a new flavor of potato chip would hit the shelves in time for the holidays. The new flavor, ‘Kim & Kanye’, is the first flavor of Lay’s potato chips to be named after actual people. Nooyi says it was important for the company to stay in touch with modern-day culture.

“It was something we wanted to touch on, we knew we wanted to begin naming flavors after celebrities, but didn’t know which ones. We decided on Kim & Kanye, obviously referring to Kim Kardashian-West and Kanye West, because they are celebrities that all Americans love, and together they have a very unique flavor,” said Nooyi.

Lay’s set the standard for being the first potato chip company to introduce a flavor other than the traditional salted, original flavor, in 1958 when they introduced barbecue flavored potato chips. The company has since led the way in offering more and more variety of flavors in recent years with a campaign called “Do Us A Flavor,” in which contestants invent a flavor themselves. The 2012-2013 contest consisted of sriracha, chicken and waffles, and cheesy garlic bread flavors, with cheesy and garlic bread earning its way into the permenant line up according to sales.

The ‘Kim & Kanye’ flavor is a finalist from the 2014-2015 contest developed by self-proclaimed chef Tanya Brown. When asked what her key ingredients were to this bizarre name of chip, she simply said, “A little bit of this, a little bit of that. A lot like what you could imagine Kim and Kanye tasting like if they were a potato chip.”

Other flavors in the finals, which are currently available for purchase, include bacon mac and cheese, cappuccino, wavy mango salsa, and kettle cooked wasabi ginger. Although the Kim and Kanye chip was submitted during the contest, Lay’s representatives decided that it would be a stand-alone flavor, and they would use it outside of the normal contest regulations.

“They told me the idea of the actual flavor being a bit of a mystery was intriguing to them,” said Brown. “I could not believe they agreed to stick with the name, and they actually told me it was something they had considered doing for quite some time. So they kind of pulled the idea away from the contest. Sad I can’t win, but the chips are still going to market, and that’s awesome.”

Some of those who have had samples of the new flavor say the chips have a unique taste. “It tastes to me like a combination of chocolate and butter pecan ice cream, and is strangely very good!” said John Osbourne of Brooklyn, New York. Others say that the chip is horrendous, and they can’t believe it’s even going to market.

“It tastes like straight up body sweat and lard, with a hint of tangy mint and…I’m not sure. Walnuts, maybe?” said Robin Waverly of Los Angeles. “It’s really hard to pin down. Whatever it’s supposed to be, they were really pretentious tasting, which I suppose what I’d expect Kim or Kanye to taste like. Then again, I rarely think that these contest chips taste like what they’re supposed to. So maybe it’s just me.”

The Kim & Kanye flavored Lay’s potato chips will be available at grocery stores one week before the Thanksgiving holiday says Nooyi.