Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Raped, Murdered In Prison

Posted on February 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

According to local police, Jared Fogle, the disgraced former Subway pitchman who was convicted on child pornography and sex charges, was found dead in his prison cell on Thursday afternoon. Prison officials say that it appears that Fogle was raped and sodomized and stabbed with a prison-made shank.

“Mr. Fogle had, until recently, been in protective custody to assure that this exact thing did not happen,” said prison warden Michael Ross. “After he was released into general population on Wednesday evening, we heard rumors that an attack was imminent. Unfortunately, we did not move him back into PC in time. Mr. Fogle was pronounced dead at 3:14PM on Thursday.”

Many of the prison’s gangs have reportedly taken accountability for the act; all of them say that it was their men who did it.

“Oh man, it was my boys in the Aryan gang, dude,” said gang leader Mark Smith. “We might hate a lot of people, but the worst are the child fuckers. They always gonna get what’s coming to them, man. It was ours for the taking, and we took it.”

Other gangs also claim that they are responsible, including the Latinos, bikers, the Jews, and the African-Americans. So far, police say they have no leads as to who is actually responsible, but that they’re not too worried about finding out, either.

KKK Hopes To ‘Adopt A Highway,’ Wants To Rename Road ‘Dead N*gger Street’

Posted on February 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Ku Klux Klan, everyone’s least favorite sheet-wearing terrorists, have been battling the state supreme court on whether or not their organization is allowed to Adopt A Highway. Normally, groups that adopt roads are charities or non-profit groups, and none of them have ever asked about renaming roads, either.

“It’s not really so much of an issue that the Klan wants to Adopt-A-Highway, so much as they want to change the name of it as well,” said AAH Project Manager Joel Goldstein. “The Klan wants to not only clean up the highway, but the want to call it ‘Dead N*gger St.’ To me, that’s just crossing a line.”

“When you adopt a kid, you can re-name it whatever you want, and then you go on keeping that kid clean and fed and looking nice,” said Klan member Richard Dawson of Huntsville, Alabama. “If we are gonna adopt a road, and keep it looking nice, and keep it clean, then we want to rename it. And what better way to keep niggers off that street than to call it ‘Dead N*gger Street?'”

According the Supreme Court, the group has every right to Adopt A Highway if the AAH Commission signs off on it, but that they are contesting the group’s request to rename the road with use of a racial slur.

Obama Looks To Pass ‘No Texting While Eating’ Law

Posted on February 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Almost every state in the country has laws against texting while driving, but it looks as though President Obama plans to take the “no texting” rule even further, seeking to have congress help him pass a law that would ban people from using their phones while eating at restaurants.

“When we have dinner as a family, I tell the girls that they are not allowed to have their phones out at the table, and in turn, we have a lot more family things to talk about. We have more fun,” said President Obama. “When I am out, eating at restaurants, no matter where I am in the world, I see people with their faces down in their phones, missing out on the world around them, and losing out on the family time.”

Obama says that he hopes to get the law passed so that more people are encouraged to actually interact with others, and not be so tied into technology at all times.

“I’m the most powerful man in the entire world. If I can find the time to put down the phone, anyone can,” said Obama.

Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

State Agencies Begin Arresting People On Animal Cruelty Charges For Making Cucumber Cat-Scaring Videos

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Cats have long been the internet’s most famous animal. Whether you love or hate cats, there is a meme, a video, a picture, or a song online about cats. Over the last several months, one of the most trendy videos to make is one where you scare your cat with a cucumber. As crazy as it sounds, people love filming their felines becoming terrified as they discover the oblong shape when it is placed near them without being noticed.

PETA and the ASCPA have lobbied several states to begin tracking down and arresting people who torture their pets in this way on animal cruelty charges, as it is extremely harmful to the cat.

“When a cat is eating, he is in his safe zone. He needs to feel like that area is free from predators and harm,” said ASPCA member John Lewis. “When your cat is eating and you place a cucumber – or anything, really – behind him, and he turns around, he instantly becomes scared because he assumes it is a snake or other predator that is there to harm him. In turn, this makes cats stop eating or drinking, fearing for their safety by not returning to their food area.”

The long-term effect this has on felines have not been tested, but PETA and ASPCA say that the gag is enough to warrant arrest based on animal cruelty, and several state governments have agreed.

“Georgia, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Vermont, California, and Nebraska are just a few of the states that we have convinced to track down and arrest these animal abusers,” said Lewis. “We are all working closely with Google, as most of these people who have accounts are making money on their cat videos with Google’s AdSense service – which requires them to give a real name and address. We believe we can successfully stop people from creating these harmful videos, and show love and care to their furry feline friends.”

Snake Bites Boy At Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORLANDO, Florida –

A family from Alabama plans to sue Disney World after they said an escaped snake at Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom dropped from a tree and bit their young child. The family’s attorney, Matt Morgan, said Thursday that the boy’s grandmother saw the snake bite him, went into cardiac arrest from fright, and died soon after. They boy was treated with a band-aid and continued to enjoy the park after the incident.

While the family mourns her death, they say they will remember Grandma’s sacrifice as they spend the money they will receive from this lawsuit. “She would have said, ‘I’m old. I lived my life. Let God take me if it means my family can go on more memorable vacations.’ Next time we won’t be going anywhere with snakes though,” said one of the family members. The names are not being released at this time.

Disney says the snake was wild and not part of their attraction. Attorney Jeff Kendell plans to represent the snake, who did not intend to harm the boy. “The snake was nonvenomous, so it did not plan to hurt anyone. It was merely speaking out about the destruction of its wild habitat for a tourist destination in the only way it knew how.”

Ice-T Trademarks Name, Sues Snapple and Arizona Over Infringement

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Rapper and actor Ice-T has reportedly trademarked his moniker with the intention of suing major companies who infringe upon the mark with their products. Ice-T, whose real name is Tracy Marrow, says that he has been referring to himself after the tasty summer beverage longer than many companies have been selling the drink.

“Ice-T, Ice Tea, Iced Tea – it doesn’t matter what you call it or how you spell it, the name is the same, and these companies are infringing on my mark,” said the entertainer, who is perhaps best known for his song “Cop Killer” and for playing a police detective on TV on Law and Order: SVU. “I don’t really need the money, but I also don’t want companies shilling a product that I haven’t put my stamp on. Frankly, I don’t like iced tea that much, and I’d rather them call it something else.”

T has reportedly met with lawyers for companies such as Snapple and Arizona in hopes that a settlement can be reached without going to court.

“I don’t want these companies to go out of business or anything, I just want them to change the name of the product to something else, and let me be the only T, or tea, that’s around,” said Ice-T. “I’ve made a few suggestions, such as ‘sugary shit’ and ‘lemony liquid’ that they could go by, either of which I think would easily catch on with people who like to drink that stuff.”

Representatives for Snapple could not be reached for comment.

Judge Releases Steven Avery From Prison After Realizing He’s Not Black

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MANITOWOC COUNTY, Wisconsin –

After looking over the case of Steven Avery, the man who spent 18 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit before being exonerated and then re-arrested on separate murder charges, Judge Joe Goldsmith has said he will sign for the release of Avery, after determining that he was not, in fact, black.

“In is a grave miscarriage of justice when a man who is not a minority is treated with such loathe and disrespect by the American Judicial System and by police and government agencies,” said Judge Goldsmith. “When the case was brought to my attention, and the facts presented to me, I naturally assumed that he must be guilty, but that – based on harassment he’s received over the years from law enforcement – that he must also be black. Imagine my shock when I started watching Making a Murderer on Netflix, and discovered that Steven Avery is a white man.”

Goldsmith says that he plans to discuss the case with prosecutors in Manitowoc County, who may bring charges on local officers guilty of harassing a man who does not fit the “minority minimums” for legal and allowed police harassment.

“Steven Avery is way, way too white to be receiving such mistreatment, and as such, he will be released in the coming weeks with a full pardon,” said Avery’s law team. “We are extremely grateful for Judge Goldsmith’s swift hand of justice, and we look forward to the trials of police who are guilty of giving a white man a bum deal.”

Tide Detergent Counterfeiting Ring Seemingly Unstoppable

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Inner-city gangs have branched out from dealing in crack and heroin. Tide liquid detergent is now one of the hottest commodities on the streets. Many drug dealers now accept Tide as payment, encouraging shoplifters to load up carts of detergent and flee from stores. Others pay small amounts for new-looking tide bottles, which they can fill with generic detergent and resell on the black market.

Shanice Williams says most women she knows would not be caught dead at the laundromat with anything other than Tide detergent. “It’s a status thing. Tide’s classy. Don’t matter if it’s a knockoff as long as it’s blue cause they aint gonna stick their noses up in your laundry. Me though, I only use the real thing, and two cap fulls – ’cause I like my drawers smelling fresh. You gotta watch it though. Bitches will run off with your bottle if you turn your back for even a second. I even seen bitches getting stabbed for they Tide.”

Knock-off bottles are flooding the streets on Compton, Detroit, New York City, and even Des Moines. The FBI says the counterfeiting ring is difficult to stop. Not only are small-timers filling bottles with generic detergent at the local level, but thousands of counterfeit bottles are making their way into the United States from China.

“This is one of the most difficult cases I’ve ever handled as a detective,” said policeman George Lawson. “I have been working with my team tirelessly to get the Tide rings under control. Not being able to do so in a reasonable amount of time has been a real stain on my career.”

Robert Fratta Kills Himself 12 Years Into Life Sentence; Note Blames Taunting From Inmates

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Fratta, the sexual deviant who made headlines for killing his wife back in 1994, has reportedly killed himself in prison. The suicide note says other prisoners, who had heard the details of his case, would not stop pinning him down and defecating on his chest. Fratta also denied the allegations that he had ever liked it, saying he “never had asked his former wife to do something so disgusting, either.”

Bob Fratta was convicted of hiring Joseph Prystash and Howard Guidry to kill his wife, Farrah Fratta, who was shot twice in the head with a .38 caliber pistol outside her home. The killing occurred during the course of a custody battle between the victim and her husband. In the custody papers, Farah cites Bob Fratta’s sexual perversions as one of the reasons for divorce.

Bob Fratta reportedly had been going to the prison chapel frequently, asking forgiveness for his sins in the months prior to hanging himself in his jail cell. Prison officials say there were no reports of the alleged assaults on the prisoner.